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When A WS Leaves For Their OP

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Thelonious posted 1/21/2011 20:25 PM

I'm in this thread. After an amazing, great eight-year relationship, my WS suddenly had what she describes as a "awakening" and took up with a tour guide from a trip she was on last summer. While I was out of town on a business trip, she took him back to our house and slept with him in our bed.

We tried R for a week, during which she said she would go to MC. Then I found an email she had sent him saying that she was planning to end our relationship. We separated that day.

She's still with him, even though he has no fixed address. She's visiting him right now, on his current gig in the tropics.

She has shown no remorse or second thoughts. The word one of my friends used to describe her attitude was "nonchalant". The only times she has ever gotten upset since our breakup are when I stood up for my position and insisted I was right about something.

I feel like crap. This was the best relationship I had ever been in and I loved her very deeply. I have no idea where this came from and neither do any of our friends.

I am mostly NC now and I intend to stay that way for the foreseeable future. It hurts like hell.

[This message edited by Thelonious at 8:26 PM, January 21st (Friday)]

nooneeverthought posted 1/25/2011 08:38 AM


I am sorry that you find yourself here. Many of us know how you feel. The "nonchalent" is a great way to describe the way my FWS acted also. Like no big deal, 20 years down the drain, whatever.

The selfishness is unbelievable. I hope you are keeping strong and staying NC. Just step away from her madness.

Thelonious posted 1/27/2011 12:09 PM

Thanks nonoeeverthought. I apprecaite it.

Whalers11 posted 2/13/2011 10:59 AM

I'm part of this club too...

victory posted 2/15/2011 08:35 AM

Let me joing the club. WW and I seperated just to have distance while we work on us and she took that to mean it was ok for her to continue to see OM. She still goes over there and spends nightss. Meanwhile, the block of ice is frigid and cold towards me. Says nothing about how I'm doing or about the chaos she's created.

Merlin posted 2/15/2011 10:01 AM

My XW moved out six weeks after D-day. That was in October '08. She's with him still. Guess they found tru luv.

He's an unemployed, multiple dui low-life. They busted up our family over drinking, country line dancing and concerts.

She barely talks to the kids when they stay with her. She's destroying me in divorce court and compromising our kids' futures.

How does that happen after 24 years of marriage, threee kids and all that life? She burned out I guess. Now she's a kid again. Unfortunately, there's a lot of collateral damage to crawl away from.

rcantbleveit posted 2/18/2011 08:02 AM

My WH has gone back & forth between me & OW ever since D-Day.

We signed a revision to our divorce agreement last week & tears started rolling down his face. He says he will always love me & be there for me. I asked him to come home & he said he couldn't do it. He said he's f'd up more than I could ever know & every time he's with me, he's f'd up worse for days.

Although he has been living with her since October, he says that he has to plan his life as if he is going to be alone. They have talked about getting married a few times but he hasn't asked her, bought her a ring or planned anything. He says he doesn't want to be married to me, her or anyone else but I think he will marry her as soon as our divorce is final.

He seems very conflicted. He does act as if he still loves me. He does whatever he can to make my life easier. He called and said he missed me and hung up. Three days later, he called just to say hello & see how I was doing. He also sent an email thanking me for everything I've done for him & that he didn't deserve it. He contacted our attorny asking when our court date would be on the same day.

He's called in sick for work all week just so he could stay home with her.

I love him so much but sometimes I wonder if he is just playing me.

CanISurvive posted 2/18/2011 22:52 PM

One of the things I have seen around the SI forums in situations like this is that actions speak louder than words. I hate to say this, but he may be stringing you along, hoping to keep you as a backup option. He may also be hoping that keeping you conflicted will mean that he may be able to talk you into better terms with the attourney.

Have you started IC yet? If not, I completely recommend doing so. It can be very helpful. Hang in there, post here often.

phoenix2011 posted 2/21/2011 07:43 AM

Hi everyone. This is my first post in this forum. With my divorce almost final, I have spent a lot of time this week (not sure why) thinking about OW. She is a co-worker of stbxh's and I've met her and spoken to her in the past, before any of this came to light (I always had my eye on her, as I knew he had a special "thing" for her). Anyway, I've read a lot of posts on SI about the OW being a disgusting drug addict, married and having an affair, broke and destitute, a prostitute, etc. From the limited things I know about OW in my case, she is a young, well-employed, single, attractive, "bubbly" person (puke). I don't feel like she is better than me, because I have accomplished a lot in my life and I was a very dedicated spouse, but I do sometimes struggle with not being able to say he left for a complete loser. Does that make sense? On the outside, it seems like he left for a pretty good catch...not saying anything about what he left behind. I don't's just been on my mind lately and yet another thing I can't make sense of. Thanks for listening.

LisaBrandNew posted 2/21/2011 08:51 AM

Phoenix - I can tell you that whether the OW is troubled or seemingly perfect, the BS will compare and find a way to feel bad about herself. I think the rejection and abandonment sends us into a spiral and we find wonderfully creative ways to perpetuate the wound. You feel guilty for anything you ever did wrong in your marriage, wonder if you would have done this or that would it have made the difference. But it really isn't about us. It is about fantasy and avoidance, not looking inward, doing the work, and honoring and investing energy into the marriage and spouse. The flaws within the WS are the cause. The "bubbly" girl is just a distraction.

wannabenormal posted 2/21/2011 08:58 AM

For me, OW also isn't sime gutter pig; on paper, she's also a 'good catch'.

But even though her resume might look pretty good, she still cheated on her H with a man who was also married.

I think it's not any easier if the OP is "less than, equal to or greater than"" the BS.

I don't think any of us in this position will ever understand that our spouse could leave for 'that'.

phoenix2011 posted 2/21/2011 17:15 PM

Thanks Lisa and wannabe. I sometimes wish my head would just erase the both of them.

Betterdays ahead posted 2/21/2011 21:26 PM

I've been thinking about this a lot. Why someone would lie and cheat to another person who they promised to stick with in sickness and health, in good times and bad...and here's what I think. About my XH anyway...I think he couldn't make it up the grown up mountain. It was just too hard, and he went tumbling down. Now he's a teenage grown up. Its embarassing, really. I take care of the kids and their day to day business and he gets to play with OW. At the end of the day, though, its a question of maturity. And a complete misunderstanding about love==love is a verb, not a feeling. When you get married, you are family. Just as you don't abandon your child for someone else's, you don't abandon your spouse for something that feels fun. Its a question of character, in my mind. A question of maturity. Sadly, the ones of us who are left to trudge up the rest of the mountain, carrying our kids on our backs alone, have the heaviest burden. But I can't help but think that doing the right thing in life gives you the best view when you get to the summit! So, try not to take it too personally--its a question of the other person not being able to be a grown up, nothing more.

impastit posted 2/21/2011 21:48 PM

He's an unemployed, multiple dui low-life. They busted up our family over drinking, country line dancing and concerts.

Merlin, I'm very close to this as well.

And she is neglecting the kids and can not see it.

All I can do is man up, sometimes it's a real bitch.

Sometimes I feel free of this crazy bullshit.

rcantbleveit posted 2/21/2011 22:57 PM

The OW in our situation is attractive & rich. She even wants my H to quit his job. She's pressing H hard to get our divorce over with. One of his friends said that he's really F'd up and he's worried about him. He thinks that once our divorce is final, she will calm down but I have a feeling that the pressure will really start. She's desperate to marry him. Her family thinks he was divorced when they met so they don't know about me and she's afraid that the more time that goes by, the bigger chance her family will have to find out. I want them to know what a liar she is but not sure how to let them know. Any suggestions?

SerJR posted 2/25/2011 20:10 PM

rcantbleveit - if he's in a rush and feeling pressured, you may be able to take advantage of it and get a very fair settlement for yourself. At the very least, you need to go talk with a lawyer to find out what options are available to you and what your rights are.

13yrsGone posted 3/2/2011 05:24 AM

my wife left for the other guy she sees some great future with him and she says she loves him and he makes her smile ... i wish she would come back and he would drop dead but neither of those things are happening ... i wish i could get over it but it is still too fresh ... i am thinking of filing for divorce

MikeMo posted 3/2/2011 09:31 AM

Damn man...That's very fresh. I'm sorry it has come to this. Did she take the boys with her?
Read up on and start the 180. Contact a competant attorney and discuss your rights and get the paper work started.
You are at the beginning of a long road to recovery. It's almost 10 months from DDay and things actually have gotten better. I'm getting back to my interests and hobbies and you will too.
You also need to know that it is NOT your fault. She may come back with textbook blame shifting so she can justify her infidelity in her own mind. But, there is no excuse what so ever.
You hang in there dude. Post as often as you care to.

13yrsGone posted 3/2/2011 11:08 AM

she took the boys but i am able to see them. i am filing for divorce as soon as possible i am tired of making things easier for her to do what she wants i thought i wanted to her relation ship with this guy would burn out if given what she wanted but i know i have been a fool and i want her name to always bear the mark of adulteress

LoveHerStill posted 3/13/2011 17:08 PM

I am a new member. I have been trolling this website for months and it has been extremely helpful. I have not posted out of fear of my extremely private WW finding the posts and retaliating. I no longer feel this way. On to my story.
We met during college orientation and have been together ever since. She was 18, I was 19, I know, very young, but we had an intense relationship for several years including well into the marriage 6 years after we met. We married 6 years after meeting.

Our marriage was good, and although we had typical problems, we were always able to resolve them and move on. All except what she told me was my problem with alcohol. We both drank throuout our entire relationsip and toward the end, I admit that my drinking escalated and I was drinking several days of the week, to the point of getting drunk. At the time I was in denial. Since our divorce, I have quit drinking during the weekdays, and recently, I have quit drinking alltogether. I did this when I quit smoking.

D-Day April 11, 2010, after returning from visiting my close friends in a nearby town, she dropped the bomb, saying that she has not been happy for years and that I have not responded to her pleadings for me to stop drinking, smoking and taking care of my health. She said that my drinking has seriously damaged her feelings for me and that she no longer feels the same toward me. She also briefly mentioned that she had feelings for someone else. She said that she cannot deal with the constant fighting (of which there was not, only occasional spats about my drinking), and told me that she wants a divorce and that I should find a place to move out to. I question her and am met by complete stubbornness and coldness. I slept on the couch that night and we don't speak until the following afternoon, when she returns from work. No progress, she informs me that she is going to find a place of her own and moves out 6 days after d-day.

I was a complete and utter mess for a month. I could not keep food down, I could not sleep, and in retrospect I think the only thing that kept me from a complete breakdown was going to work. My boss is also a personal friend who is strong emotionally and he literally held me up and forced me to do what was necessary to deal with the mess I was in. I think I would have wound up in the hospital or the morgue if it wasn't for him.

I started IC and that also marked the turning point of going from a complete basket case, to a somewhat functional mess. I have continued IC since and it has been extremely helpful, both in understanding the sitch and dealing with the pain and loss of the infidelity and abandonment.

A couple of weeks after d-day, she admits that she has been having and A for 5 months and that it has been physical for at least 2 months. Later I found out that she was lying and that she had moved in whith OP and not on her own.

He was also married and according to my wife, his wife was emotionally and physically abusive. They met in a workout class at the gym and after finding out that my wife was a psychologist, he poured his guts out about his marriage to her and then started pursuing her. My wife claims that she resisted at first and that it "just happened".

I begged and pleaded with her to seek IC and to discuss this sitch with someone whom she respected. She had only confided in her close friend who has had numerous failed relationships including some which she was cheated on and some where she had cheated. I told my wife that she was a fool for listening to her and that our relationship deserved better counsel. She said she would seek IC.

Long story short, my wife filed for divorce and after the mandatory 90 day waiting period in WA state (no-fault state), divorced me even after I begged her to convert it to a 6 month legal separation.

Four months later my wife bought a house from her father's inheritance and moved OM in. I told her that this was just another stab in the back.

Ever since d-day, I have tried to remain calm and reason with her, and although I was very emotional, I never disrespected her or treated her badly or called her names. I tried to be as amicable as possible and it took every ounce of control to do so. I have never so much as laid a finger on her since I met her and did not abuse her emotionally either.

I was not able to heal or move on past the pain, so I went NC with her after learning that she moved the OM into her new house. She said she understood and has respected NC.

I broke NC on my birthday thinking that she probably wanted to wish me happy birthday, she responded with a brief hb message and sent me a card. She also mentioned that she has had an attorney write up a no harassment order against OM's wife as she keeps threatening her with her life. This has been ongoing and despite my concerns and insistence, she has not filed an order until now. I asked to see a copy.

There is soo much more to the story and I will post it in the my story section of my profile, I just wanted to give a brief synopsis of events.

I still love my now ex-wife and want her to return to me and begin a new relationship. I realize the old relationship is dead, but I feel that I have made several changes that were the source of a lot of our problems and that our marriage was strong and worth continuing. I keep getting foggy communication from her and she feels that we should give it time.

I am over the majority of pain and confusion, but I just can't get past the pain and feeling that she never really loved me and how easy it seems to me that she has seemingly moved on and doesn't seem to give a shit about our 26 year relationship. She keeps repeating that she is "sorry she hurt me", but that is all she can muster in the way of an apology. My IC says that she is either unwilling to face what she has done, or is unable (afraid) to face what she has done and that she has stuffed all of her feeling for me and our marriage. My IC says that I need to heal so that when some trigger causes my wife to break down, that I will be strong and be able to be there for her. My IC also says that I need to heal and detach because there is not hope for reconciliation while I am in my current state. I agree intellectually, but it is so hard to get the heart to follow. I feel so lost and alone, alone in the sense that the person whom I have always depended upon to help me and be there for me is now with the OM she betrayed me for. I would like to just forget her and move on but I have found that I am not able to as my feelings have not changed toward her. I despise her actions and behavior, I understand her personal issues stemming from her teenage years, and I just do not want to let her go, I believe we can start a new relationship and with IC, MC and re-commitment, we could have a much more rewarding and loving relationship. I realize that I cannot control her thoughts and actions, but I long for her to come out of the fog and see that possibility. I have not been able to make a dent in her fog. She has manipulated me asking me to not tell anyone of her infidelity because "if we should work things out sooner or in the future, you know that they would never accept me". I bought it hook line and sinker. I have since, slipped and told a few mutual close friends and one of my sisters whom I hold in high esteem. My WW has lied to and deceived her entire family as well as the majority of her friends and colleagues to this day. Apparently the OM's wife contacted my WW's mother and told her of the affair and when confronted, my WW denied it to her face and lied to her saying that they were just friends. I told my WW that I thought this was despicable and the she would regret it in the future and that her mother knows something is up because who would call up out of the blue making this claim? She had not response.

Sorry, this is kind of a rambler, but it is nice to be able to vent.

At this point, I have the biggest issue with the continued lies and abandonment. The infidelity and betrayal of trust hurst deeply, and although I believe I can get by that, the fact that she never wanted to try to reconcile and that she abandoned me and our marriage without any attempt to work on things has traumatized me and made me question everything, including my self-worth an ability to maintain a relationship. Again, I realize that the A is not about me and that I am not a bad person, it is just so hard to reconcile the intellectual arguments with my emotional feelings. I know you all can help, and I want to thank you all for your time in doing so.

Still Hurting almost one year later....

trixie2010 posted 3/18/2011 01:05 AM

I have been reading this site as well but never posted on this particular one.

I wanted to respond to the last post--Loveherstill...

To me, after reading your story it seems as if your XW is saying all those things about trying again but is still living with OM--she is keeping you around just in case it doesn't work out with him. Actions speak louder than words. If she wanted to work it out, she would not be with him. I don't mean to sound harsh.

I know it is hard to walk away from those many years together and it is great you are going to IC. Have you read the healing library? There are so many great articles there. Also, there is something called the 180. I think this would be perfect for you.

Right now you are willing to drop everything if she calls. If she were to ask you back, you most likely would go. I am just guessing but from your post it seems as if you would. You deserve so much better than that.

The 180 is just right for someone in your case. You have to make a copy of that and read it until you have it memorized. You need to think about yourself and let her know you will not be there for her if it doesn't work out with OM.

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