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When A WS Leaves For Their OP

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lamb/lion posted 4/12/2007 13:31 PM

Count me in this club. I should clarify a bit; he didn't necessarily "leave" me for her. I threw him out and filed for a divorce almost immediately after finding out He cannot stand to be alone so after he knew I was not gong to stay married to him, he moved 900 miles away to life with her and 6 months later they got married. They have been married 9 months.

I have been D 2 years in March and I can honestly now say to the OW "Thank you so much, I am happier than I have ever been". I am so blessed to be free of him and have found a great SO that truly loves, respects and above all appreciates me!!

Jewels2505 posted 4/12/2007 14:24 PM

What's funny is that my EH went directly from me to moving in with the OW who lived just down the street from our family home, then 10 months later they moved in behind me.

They broke up last April and then EH went with another woman whom he works with and was seeing on the side while he was OW#1.

Now he lives 10 seconds away from where I work with OW#2.

I just can't get rid of the B@st@rd!

cassandra posted 4/14/2007 11:26 AM

the best book I read for the deserted bs -esp during the initial hurtful aftermath:

"the journey from abandonment to healing" by susan anderson

the author, a therapist, lived it and is most thoughtful in her approach. plus (the good part), she offers actual coping strategies for dealing with the range of wild emotions that can knock you sideways.

it's been a few years for me and although it was a long and tough road, it does get better. you will have a life with renewed clarity and will be amazed at your new-found wisdom and calm approach to life

[This message edited by cassandra at 11:27 AM, April 14th (Saturday)]

anniec posted 4/14/2007 20:22 PM

Count me in. He brings my daughters to her house and she brings her kid to his place. She left her husband to be with mine. Two messed up people if you ask me.

ittybittya posted 4/14/2007 20:38 PM

Ah....finally found this thread.

I was also left for the OW. My husband moved from our home directly in with her.....June 2005. Filing was done 20 days after I busted him and divorce was final by the end of October 2005.

Far as I know, they are still living and working together. Things aren't great tho. Guess their was some suspicion that she might be cheating on him with her XH...... oh surely not! You can't tell me that this woman that cheated on her husband atleast three times that we know of would honestly cheat on her SO (my exhusband)?!!!!

My children met her before our divorce was final. It was tough but I made it through that. Never met her personally because XH has gone to extremes to keep her well I'd waste my time......

Probably the most difficult thing for me has been the single parenting and isolation. I am many miles from close family and don't have alot of close friends to help when needed. So I've become fairly self sufficient and know who to call when I can't do something myself.

Life goes on.....

SithGoddess posted 4/14/2007 20:46 PM

Thanks for the tip about the book, cassandra. I'll check my local library and see if they have it.

I'm fairly far out from D-Day now, but you never still could give me some insight.

[This message edited by SithGoddess at 8:47 PM, April 14th (Saturday)]

runaway posted 4/23/2007 15:03 PM

I just posted this in general but I'd really appreciate advise from you guys who know what I'm talking about;

ok here goes...
D-day when x dropped his bombshell about the married OW and moved out that evening to be with her (claiming time to think etc. you know the story by now..) was nearly 2 years ago.

Divorce was hell as Married OW is a divorce lawyer specialising in children - though she admitted herself she hates kids before I knew any of this was going on. She meddled, stirred, advised my x against mediation, met kids behind my back, made up allegations about me (all disproved) etc etc.

Anyway, divorce was final on my birthday - august last year.

Apart from the OW taking every opportunity to gloat, turn up in her car at drop-off times etc. I've managed to pretty much avoid her - I blocked her from my email and try to ignore everything. (well at least hide my feelings from her and my babies)

so....last week I got a text message from my x's mobile:
Did you know FFFF had a one night stand with SSSS while he was married? X X

I texted back - whatever. I think I knew it was her - the OW, but my dad thought it might have been x's drunken mates maybe.

Next day X sends an apology (it's not heartfelt, x uses apologies to sort of say 'up yours' to people, me included) - Sorry, I see AAAAA (OW) got hold of my phone again. She just wants to hurt you but I think you are beyond that anyway. Sorry.

I cried. My mum (recovering from operation) cried. It does still hurt, even though I have someone else now in my life recently, who is a nice person who cares, it still hurts.

But I didn't reply. As usual I shut up and behaved. But my brother thinks I should write to her law firm and complain.

Part of me wants too because I think this is not just mean but bloody unprofessional - how dare someone like this be supposedly advising/acting for other women in my situation when she is causing this?

On the other hand will it just make things worse? X is totally in her pocket anyway and will just think I am being vindictive.

Wiser people than me - please advise

Petrinka posted 4/24/2007 19:03 PM

Me too. My husband of 35 years (at the time) moved in immediately with the 4 times married skank and they have been living together now for over a year. Our son will not talk to him, and our daughter only talks to him if he calls her. We are expecting our first grandchild in a few months and he will not be a part of her life. My family (he only has a sister across the pond)want nothing to do with him, and our friends are all on my side.

He has thrown everything away for nothing but a sad illusion.

hester posted 4/26/2007 05:11 AM

Runaway your situation sounds horrible. She sounds a really nasty piece but then I guess a lot of divorce lawyers get that way. Not sure if there is anything you can do as she is not acting for you in a professional capacity. You could look on the law society website and see if they have a code of conduct.

Ron7127 posted 4/26/2007 13:21 PM

Me, here. And, I agree. Susan Anderson's book was really good on this.

runaway posted 4/26/2007 16:43 PM

Thank you Hester. It all seems a lot of hassle and I really just want to move on. But god it is galling....

Which book is that Ron - if I google the author it should come up though shouldn't it - thanks

Ron7127 posted 4/26/2007 23:07 PM

I thin it was entitled "the Journey from Abandonment". It really gives lots of info, especially from a neuropscych standpoint, of the physiological basis of the feellings one expieiences from betrayal and rejection,
It truly is amazing that there is a chemical basis for the feelings one goes through. Makes you realize that what you are feeling is normal and expected. It helped me to see that my pain, anxiety,depression after the A and the loss was typical. We humans are a lot alike.

runaway posted 4/27/2007 08:02 AM

Found it - just ordered it on Amazon, thanks Ron

roadlesstraveled posted 4/27/2007 15:14 PM

I have that book (Journey from Abandonment to Healing) and it is a good one! Thanks Cassandra for the recommendation :)
I think I might own every book out there on divorce/separation/infidelity etc...I have made Amazon a very happy company this year in my attempt to gain as much info as possible about my situation! (It's the best I can do in lieu of a real counselor- they aren't available over here).

yikes, the ow sounds like a total witch!! but overall I'd be willing to bet that she is extremely insecure. The fact that she bothers to send you messages/call/show up etc. means that you must have quite an effect on her. Otherwise, she wouldn't bother. You almost (note I said ALMOST!!) have to feel sorry for someone who is so desparate and has so little self-esteem. You obviously have the character and integrity to be the better person in this situation. Kudos to you

[This message edited by roadlesstraveled at 3:15 PM, April 27th (Friday)]

runaway posted 4/27/2007 17:12 PM

awww - thanks

it doesn't feel that way most of the time though...

mind you on good days now I do feel really goood for not responding!

baby_socks posted 4/29/2007 08:22 AM

My ex left for the OP... well he wouldn't decide between either of us when given an ultimatium. I told him he had to call and end it with her, or I was ending it with him. He just couldn't end it with her. He wanted to some more time to "think things out" or basically some more time "to date both of us." So I threw his stuff out and filed for divorce. Still though I gave him multiple outs and possibilities to come back if he would just permenantly cut off all contact with and agree to be an open book and do lots of counseling. He wanted to.. .he really did... so he said... but he cared for her and loved me... maybe even loved her and couldn't make a decision. Obviously his indecision was a decision. He never had the balls to outright end it. I really think he thought I'd stick around for his fun and be there. He did say he wanted to leave a few times...and I mean he did... but he would always come back to how he loved me and didn't want to see it end. Yada yada. Words with no action... he made a decision to leave and a continued decision not to come back.

Today he still with OW. It's been a little over a year. They are playing married. He is wearing a wedding band, yet swears on his life they are not married. She just wanted to wear them, and he wasn't ready to get married... so he says. Who really knows.

OW just had the affair baby. It was conceived after he moved out, but we weren't divorced until months later.

He has at least two kids... mine and hers... and maybe her other one. She has 3 children under the age of 3.

He is miserable. Can't and won't say he's happy. And claims even though it's probably manipulation that he's sorry and regrets his decision every day of his life.

I still deal with a lot of emotions. But I no longer look at him with love, lust or extreme hatred.

tnt60 posted 4/29/2007 12:16 PM

baby socks, you say that you still have many emotions a year later. This is something a struggle with. My STBX left me almost 2 months ago and the emotions I'm struggling with is the rejection. It kills me.

I don't think that I love him. I don't miss him at all but I am jealous that he gets to be happy. I suppose the best way to describe how I feel is inferior to the OW. I guess once I get over this I'll be O.K.

I'm curious, what emotions are you still feeling? I ask because the feelings you describe about your EX seem so neutral.

[This message edited by tnt60 at 12:18 PM, April 29th (Sunday)]

baby_socks posted 5/5/2007 15:01 PM

Tnt -- I am angry. Bitter. Cynical. Part of me has shut down and looks at the world and men in particular very negatively. I expect everyone to hurt me, betray me and leave me, so I don't let anyone in.

browneyedgrl posted 5/5/2007 16:52 PM

I should be here too. My STBXWH claims that the fact that he can be with OW now that we are divorcing is a bonus...Even though they have been having an affair for 3 years, he left me because he couldn't live with me anymore..

But yes, I experience the same emotions that everyone else has talked about. Except, I still am very much in love with my Ass of a STBXWH. Wonder on a daily basis, what to do with all this love. Any suggestions??

devastated07 posted 5/8/2007 13:56 PM

Part of me has shut down and looks at the world and men in particular very negatively. I expect everyone to hurt me, betray me and leave me, so I don't let anyone in.

It hurts reading that becuase I feel the same way. I just found this thread, believe it or not, and I too belong to this abandonment group. :(

runaway posted 5/8/2007 17:49 PM

"Part of me has shut down and looks at the world and men in particular very negatively. I expect everyone to hurt me, betray me and leave me, so I don't let anyone in."

I used to feel like that - on very bad days I sort of do a little bit. Except that 2 yrs on I can honestly now say that the good days massively outnumber the bad - and my faith in men is gradually being restored. Men such as the ones on this site who have expressed their dismay and disgust at the behaviour of my X, men who I have met on a purely platonic basis who have told me that they too are appalled by such behaviour, and most recently a very sweet friend from many years ago who got in touch when he'd heard what had happened and who now is patiently waiting for me - for as long as I want him too, he says.

It does get better. I am still angry and bitter towards him, but my feelings approach pity more regularly these days - even for her too.

[This message edited by runaway at 5:50 PM, May 8th (Tuesday)]

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