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When A WS Leaves For Their OP

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trixie2010 posted 3/18/2011 01:05 AM

I have been reading this site as well but never posted on this particular one.

I wanted to respond to the last post--Loveherstill...

To me, after reading your story it seems as if your XW is saying all those things about trying again but is still living with OM--she is keeping you around just in case it doesn't work out with him. Actions speak louder than words. If she wanted to work it out, she would not be with him. I don't mean to sound harsh.

I know it is hard to walk away from those many years together and it is great you are going to IC. Have you read the healing library? There are so many great articles there. Also, there is something called the 180. I think this would be perfect for you.

Right now you are willing to drop everything if she calls. If she were to ask you back, you most likely would go. I am just guessing but from your post it seems as if you would. You deserve so much better than that.

The 180 is just right for someone in your case. You have to make a copy of that and read it until you have it memorized. You need to think about yourself and let her know you will not be there for her if it doesn't work out with OM.

trixie2010 posted 3/18/2011 01:05 AM

Sorry, other post posted before I was finished and it posted twice!

[This message edited by trixie2010 at 1:07 AM, March 18th (Friday)]

Gottagetthrough posted 3/19/2011 19:34 PM

how many WS who leave for the OP for a long time come back to the BS?
(mine was living w OW for over a year)

i feel like im a wierd one,

ItsRocky posted 3/19/2011 20:55 PM

Well today is the 6 month anniversay of my celebacy. It is how I expect to spend the rest of my life.

All I can do is cry. Today was the first day of the primal animal screaming. There were 2 months of false R and HB of which I am horrible ashamed but also grateful for because I know that part of my life is over.

I guess it wouldn't feel so bad if I didn't FEEL SO BAD

He is just so damn happy with the thief. His head is so far up his butt he doesn't know what she is! He has no idea how bad her financial state is. He bragged to me after he filed for divorce but wouldn't move out that she was in better shape financially than he/we were. She has been married to 2 men with his job at his company previously. Some of her property is now for sale, approved by mortgage holder as short sale. He doesn't know and he says he doesn't care about her past.

It is the whole soulmate schmoozies thing. He has been lying to my kids for years and I have lost 2 of them in this mess. Because they don't want to hear about how I am falling to pieces. Daddy doesn't talk to me about the divorce- well duh! why would he, he moved in with the woman he's been dating for 4 years! What else is there to tell?

After 32 years of marriage he just threw me away - and that says a lot for a packrat who never threw anything away.

ZoeB posted 3/25/2011 20:23 PM

My STBXH ended his affair, but we are still divorcing b/c he wants to. He has never apologized or shown me any remorse.
I go through periods of acceptance and periods of denial.
I find myself hoping that he will "snap out of it" (the decision to divorce) the same way he finally decided to end the affair. I keep hoping he will finally take responsibility for his choices and stop blaming me for his unhappiness.
Does anyone else struggle with hoping? I am afraid that hoping will just hurt me in the end and keep me from really healing.
I've been in IC since DDay last year and am working on being a healthier person with or without him.
I want to kill the hope, though, and just move on.

dontwantthis posted 3/30/2011 06:56 AM

How do you get over the fact that they are still with this person? I do believe that they had a very small time, possibly 2 weeks, where they weren't together. Backstory is I confronted them together on Dd #2, she didn't know he was married and had 3 kids. Though I later found out she had SEEN his ring, but then he wasn't wearing anymore so she though he was separated. Hello! So she didn't bother to ask or wonder if a 41 year old man had kids. I actually felt bad for her at first since he was lying to her too, but I now think of her as the clueless homewrecker. And furthermore this a "smart" woman, she is the same high level in the company my H works for, how she can be so stupid and not check on him is beyond me. Didn't google him until after I blew it out of the water. Guess she didn't care.

So everyone tells me how it's not going to last. But here we are months later and still together. She apparently has forgiven him for lying to her the entire relationship. I'm sure he has made me out to be horrible and he was soooo unhappy. But I wonder how can she reconcile that fact that he lied about not 1, not 2, but 3 children! He did tell his sister the night of Dd #2 that she has her own issues.

I'm sorry this had turned into a rant, but feeling pretty raw today. Just need to know there are others like me out there.

[This message edited by dontwantthis at 7:27 AM, April 16th (Saturday)]

trixie2010 posted 3/30/2011 17:47 PM

How do you get over the fact that they are still with this person?

My STBXH is still with his OW. They moved in together in June when I kicked him out. He lied about it for months and just recently admitted they are living together. I honestly did not think it would last either but I am sure they are both on their best behavior. She needs a visa/greencard so she will be and do whatever she needs to get it.

To be honest, I really do not care anymore. I think he is a scumbag and I deserve better. I think she deserves him and really do not think about them that often unless it affects the kids and I.

I refuse to let my kids around the homewrecking whore though so until that happens and I have to deal with that...then all is ok. It took me awhile to get to this point and it really helped to see that it had nothing to do with me.

I have been dealing with this for almost 2 years now (first dday June 09) so that helps. I think it takes time and realizing it has nothing to do with you. You do finally get to a point where you no longer care.

backtobasic posted 3/30/2011 17:52 PM

i am 3 1/2yrs out from DD and my xh is now marrying OW. I ask myself all the time if 98% of cheating spouses don't leave then how did i get to be the 2%

HigherGround posted 3/30/2011 19:34 PM

I'm here too. Despite the fact that none of his friends, family, older kids, or anyone he knows really approves of them being together. She was his best friend's wife, two marriages were broken by their union.

I have two young kids and it will be a cold day in hell before i let her have anything to do with the kids. He only gets supervised formal access at his parents as the irony is that part of the reason he left was because he didn't want them.

I'm only a month and a half past d day but from what he's told me i don't expect to see any changes in him and i'm working on complete 180. I ended his "playing house" to see the kids, i've told him I want nothing to do with him and i've not actually seen him in person fo over two weeks.

So yeah i'm pretty sure i belong here, pretty sure it will all come crashing down on him someday too but the sad truth is it will likely be too late, i'll not be "the fall back plan" either.

luv2swim posted 4/1/2011 04:24 AM

backtobasics - you and I can join each other in the 2%.

Mine left and went directly to live with OW, though they had only know each other for a few weeks. It was the soulmate thing. They have been living together for a few years now, and are marrying next week.

I recently saw pictures of their engagement party, and a friend asked, as I was looking at the photos, if that was a man I would want to marry. I realized the answer was "NO!"

I wish for my ex, and his second wife, all they deserve.

LoveHerStill posted 4/3/2011 16:32 PM


Thank you, that is what I hear all the time. She is the only woman I have ever loved, it is so hard to try to understand why she would let someone else come between us. We had a very loving marriage up until the last year. I am not sure why, but it seems that she just decided to stop loving me, and she detached emotionally from our marriage without ever telling me how she was feeling.

Through many months of IC, I have come to understand how things went awry in our marriage, of which I contributed my share, and I understand the dynamics of how affairs occur and how they believe that the OP is their soulmate and that they think that this is love, but I simply cannot get my mind around the fact that she would willfully destroy our marriage and pursue this new relationship. I do loose hope every day, but I still have hope that someday she will fully realize what we had and end their Affair.

It has been almost a year (April 11, 2010 D-day, and April 17th when she abandoned me and got an apartment with OM, where she lived with him for 4 months before the divorce was final). I am no longer going to cover for her infidelity, I am going to come clean with my family, and my friends. I don't believe I have a right to tell her family, but if they ask, I will tell them the truth. I have not heard a single word from any of them. I feel that as a betrayal as well.

If she ever wishes to return, I will determine based on her feelings whether or not she is truly remorseful or not before trying to reconcile. I do not want to go through this again.

In the meantime, I am still NC with her and I have been doing the 180 and for the most part, these two actions have alowed me to begin to heal and move on with my life. I don't obsess as often, it has become increasingly less and less with time, however, I do occasionally get trapped and feel the intense pain of betrayal and abandonment.

I am back in AA and have been alcohol and cigarette free for about 3 months now, and that has helped as well. I have told her this and given her the name of my sponsor so that she can verify, but she has not contacted him, although she did encourage me when she broke contact on my birthday.

Has anyone here reconciled with their ex-wife after they were divorced and living with the OP? How long were they with the OP before their Affair ended? Did it seem to be more difficult to R since they had pursued the Affair instead of trying to work on the marriage?
Were you able to forgive them?
I am finding it very hard to start dating as I still feel married, I believe that marriage is for life, and I still feel morally and spriitually obligated to it even though we are divorced, even though my faith allows divorce in the case of adultery and I have been absolved of the marital bond by my priest. I still feel like I would be cheating on her. I know that this is just something I need to leapfrog in my head because it really has no rational basis, it simply is the way I feel. Has anyone else felt this way?


I am so sorry for your pain, I feel thrown away as well. It is as if we were in the car driving through life and all of a sudden there was someone else in the car and my wife kicked me out of the car into the ditch and sped off leaving me to bleed to death on the side of the road, all alone and lost.

I am not sure how happy she is, she was always able to mask her true feelings and always put on the happy face, but I have not had any real contact for about two months now. I suggest you go completely NC with him. This has helped me tremendously. It is very hard at first but it gets much easier. In moments of weakness when I feel like contacting her, I call my family or friends and have them talk me out of it. Very effective as they remind you why it is important. When I went NC with my wife, I made it clear what my feelings toward her were and told her that I would remain open to her, but that she is not to contact me as long as she is with OM. I also told her not to approach me if she is out in public with OM as she would not like the outcome of the encounter. I told her I never want to meet the OM and that I will not attend any parties with our mutual friends if they are attending.


I struggle with hope as well. My IC said that it is extremely important to detach emotionally from them for two reasons.

1) Until you do so, you will remain stuck in the pain of the past and reconciliation will fail while you are in your current state.

2) You need to protect yourself emotionally from any further harm caused by his poor behavior. YOU must do this, no one else can do it for you. If he chooses to just walk away, you will already be well on the way to healing.

My IC also said that it is OK to love them, you did nothing wrong and you do not need to decide to not love them if you wish. But do not confuse that with remaining stuck in the relationship unable to move beyond it and begin a new life. This is where I am at and it is so difficult to just let go of it, I know, i struggle with it daily still and it has been almost a year.

Go NC, I promise that you will be glad you did in a month.

LoveHerStill posted 4/3/2011 16:48 PM


How do you get over the fact that they are still with this person?

I struggle with this as well, she didn't even want to try to work on our marriage and lived with OM, for 4 months before our divorce was final. Ouch, that still hurts so very much

I hope that their relationship will fail. I cannot bring myself to feel otherwise, at least yet. I have been actively trying to forgive them through prayer and simply stating it aloud. It is very difficult to accept this unfair and cruel reality, but accept it we must. Just go NC with them, that is the only way out of the trap of feeling so horribly day after day. While you are still in contact, every time you contact them, it tears of the scab and the bleeding begins again. NC has allowed me to heal and the constant obsessing has subsided, It now only occurs occasionally and spaced more and more apart. NC keep you out of the trap of continually allowing yourself to be harmed. Detach, let go, I know I am still struggling with this, but I do see it's benefits now and I believe that I will get there in a couple months.

urwyfe posted 6/2/2011 21:42 PM

In 2008, my husband left me for the ow. After the storm, I took him back in 2009. I am still struggling. I dont think he fully understands the impact. I am truly struggling with trust. Sometimes I love him and other times I get flash backs and don't want him to touch me. When were apart, his mother supported me but in the end she started to pull
back from me. So at that time, I
didn't think I would ever take the WH
back. So, now I feel indifferent
towards his whole family. I just
tolerate them. How could you feel
comfortable with your son doing such
a selfish act. His own father
cheated on his mother too. I know I
have options and I'm not stuck. I just
feel alone even though we are back
together. How do you overcome this
feeling? I just feel irritated by him. If you understand how I feel, please comment.

[This message edited by urwyfe at 9:48 PM, June 2nd (Thursday)]

betrayedyoungman posted 6/7/2011 16:55 PM

I was asked to leave my STBXW a year ago, today. I flew from FL back home to MA. I didn't know of the affair (confirmed at least) until Feb, when she emailed me to let me know she had moved up to MA for a job. what she didn't tell me and what I soon confirmed, was that she moved up to MA from her hometown in FL to be with the OM. They have been together, based on my experience and everything I know now, for a year and a half. She moved up to be with him 6 months after she asked me for a divorce. They are still together. Wonder how long it will last.

adoreme4ever posted 6/16/2011 15:35 PM

Well, it's been nearly four years since I left my ex-husband due to his infidelity and immediately after I left he began seeing the other woman again, they quickly moved in together, they got married two years ago and have a year old son together. He and I have three sons, now ages 10, 8 and is much better than it was in the initial years...

velveteer posted 6/17/2011 03:17 AM

Looks like I'm joining up to this thread too.

WW is leaving me for OM - we are just starting the S process.

Seems there are quite a few stories here of WS's and their AP's still being together years later. I know I need to work towards indifference on this matter, but its too early right now - I still want their relationship to hit the wall with a bang. However, I know that should not be my concern and I have better things to worry about that them.

Sucks big style though.

Feelnumb posted 6/17/2011 10:13 AM

Velveteer- I have seen several stories as well of the WS staying with the AP for some time after they've left their spouse, but I just don't believe that that is the norm in the large majority of cases.

Eventually a number of these must fall apart. HOW can a relationship that started on lies and deceit ever be really true and pure? It can't. They may be together, but no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. More affairs, miserable communication, etc. etc.

When two dishonest people get together, how can there truly be bliss? I know I don't want to live that way, although it can be very frustrating to think of our WS's living a seemingly "happy" life with these people.

WarpSpeed posted 6/17/2011 14:02 PM

I'm a member of this club . . . but right through the divorce being final and her moving out of town I had NO IDEA I was a member of this club.

I came home to a note on the bed and an empty closet after a week away on business. She needed to "take care of her".

We had grown apart and had both contributed to the marriage becoming to folks living in the same house. I accepted my part of that and started working on me and begging her to talk.

She never did agree to talk . . . she had never once before talked about our marriage being in trouble . . . and she filed a month after walking out and we were divorced two months after that.

And . . . through all that I had no idea I was a member of this club.

So . . . a month or so after the divorce was final I started dating. She's five states away at this time. A month after I start dating, she finds out and THEN she wanted to talk. I broke up with the girl I was dating that day and flew to see WW.

That was when I found out she had reconnected with an old HS BF on FB and that was what she ran to.

We got remarried, on our 23rd anniversary, about a month later.

She wigged out . . . had lost her job, her youngest son to college and her dad to a nursing home . . . and stumbled into someone that told her what she wanted to hear and she just threw me away.

Lots of pain still . . . and a good marriage rebuilt to be even better. Funny how that works . . . lots of great times and lots of massive pain intermingled.

shangri-la posted 6/18/2011 08:48 AM

it's horrible here isn't it?

In my mind, I have a whole list of arguments and reasons why their relationship is wrong and doomed to fail and yet it still niggles at me that it might be successful. Having these thoughts in themselves bugs me. I wish I didn't care what they do.

lonelyandblue posted 6/19/2011 18:56 PM

Oh boy I can relate to all of the posts. I am new to this but I did manage to write my story today. Although it's been 3 years since DDay I'm still not over it. I'm hoping that one day I'll wake up and just feel wonderful about everything. I feel old and ugly (he said he hated my stretch marks and that I refused to get a tummy tuck - not that he ever mentioned that before) now he is married to someone 15 years younger.

velveteer posted 6/20/2011 11:07 AM

Feelnumb - I know what you mean and the 'statistics' do not give good odds on an A turning into a lasting relationship, and yet it does happen. A friend of mine was brought up by her mother and the AP.

I guess these are not the norm though. My WW is very flirty and always has been - she aint going to change (even this weekend she was out at a party and sitting on men's laps - I wasnt there but saw pics).

What happens the first time she pulls that shit with OM around. I knew her before we M and knew she was flirty - its part of who she is, and I also trusted her so the flirting was never that big a deal. OM on the other hand knows she is capable of lying and cheating. How long till they're checking each other's phones?

Anyway - as I said, this is NOT MY CONCERN. Indifference is the goal we must all work towards. Live well and forget about them.

There is a member on here whose sig I have adopted - "When a man tries to steal your wife, the best revenge is to let him have her"

Amen to that.

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