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When A WS Leaves For Their OP

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velveteer posted 6/20/2011 11:07 AM

Feelnumb - I know what you mean and the 'statistics' do not give good odds on an A turning into a lasting relationship, and yet it does happen. A friend of mine was brought up by her mother and the AP.

I guess these are not the norm though. My WW is very flirty and always has been - she aint going to change (even this weekend she was out at a party and sitting on men's laps - I wasnt there but saw pics).

What happens the first time she pulls that shit with OM around. I knew her before we M and knew she was flirty - its part of who she is, and I also trusted her so the flirting was never that big a deal. OM on the other hand knows she is capable of lying and cheating. How long till they're checking each other's phones?

Anyway - as I said, this is NOT MY CONCERN. Indifference is the goal we must all work towards. Live well and forget about them.

There is a member on here whose sig I have adopted - "When a man tries to steal your wife, the best revenge is to let him have her"

Amen to that.

Feelnumb posted 6/20/2011 13:30 PM

I love that quote Velveteer. I think it's a really great attitude to have about all of this. It's that kind of thinking that has kept me from contacting OW. I wonder if she thinks about it all in the "if he's so great, why isn't she fighting harder?" kind of way...

I was talking to a woman recently whose husband left her and their young daughter for her best friend. The WS and best friend got married and continued to be together for the next 30 years.

Guess what- the WS and the "best friend" are now getting a divorce. She cheated on him.

takinit posted 7/9/2011 20:47 PM

The divorce is now 18 months ago in the past. He has been with her for the past 3 years. They purchased a new beautiful huge house. Actually I think they deserve each other. Karma really does exist. She is repeating her pattern just like she did with her first and second marriages, now with my XH. He is repeating his hollow insecurity by being everything he thinks she wants him to be. I'm kinda sitting back watching how this is unfolding. From Afar. Its kind of like seeing a car crash. I am interested but can't get involved, mainly because it has such a high entertainment value. I really am happy to not be with him any longer. It really has made me stronger and wiser. One day we will all be able to look at this experience and be thankful for where we are. Life really will only get better for each and every one of us.

luviswhereiamnot posted 7/11/2011 20:19 PM

You can safely assume that any problems you had with the WS are the very ones they will have in their relationship with the OM/OW, but it will escalate faster because they've taken full-blown issues into that.

Usually we don't know until it blows up that it was blowing up. My ex still talks to me and admitted that they got into a fight about two weeks after the wedding and haven't had sex since, which is about a year and a half.

I shouldn't laugh, I know, but I do. It's predictable.

So even though I used to feel bad because I was in that less than 5% everyone said actually left, I feel better knowing that at least that cursed relationship is crap and likely to get worse and a complete failure that will end eventually.

daisylvr posted 7/11/2011 21:24 PM

Wow, wish I could get to where the last 2 posters are. It is really hard to heal knowing WS is still with her. I'm 9 months from dday#1 and 6 months from dday #2 so i know I need more time. It's so hard to not focus on it, when I sit here trying to figure out how I'm suppose to move on with my life and he seems to have it all. I know it's not a healthy relationship because how it started, but boy it still hurts.

purplefinch posted 7/12/2011 10:37 AM

So much of the messages on this forum have to do with people who are trying to reconcile, who have spouses who never moved out, etc.

I kicked mine out, but gave him an option to come back 2 weeks later. We tried MC, but he was continuing the affair. He is now shut down emotionally altogether, and is seemingly happy with her. He lies constantly, chronically, to everyone from me, to his daughter, to his best male friend and his parents. I really think its because he can't face what he has done and thinks going to the other bitch is easier than dealing with our 28 year long marriage. I have now accepted he won't be back. But it SUCKS. Sorry to all of you in the same boat, but I am glad that I am not alone in losing him to the OW.

purplefinch posted 7/13/2011 11:27 AM

How many of you had your spouse tell you they still want to be friends? In my case, my stbxwh still wants to be "best friends". I told him I didn't think I could do that, and besides, I didn't know of a woman on this planet, even his OW, that would allow him to spend time with me as best friends do.

ETA: He replied with, "but it would have to be a condition of the relationship that I would still be able to spend time with you doing all the fun things we like to do together".

Yeah, like that is going to fly. or last. what an idiot.

[This message edited by purplefinch at 11:29 AM, July 13th (Wednesday)]

wannabenormal posted 7/13/2011 11:39 AM

Your d-day is REALLY new still. Telling people you're still friends allows him to look good to others.

How bad could things really have been if you're 'still friends'?

Wanting to hang out and such means - will you be available when Ow's not?

A condition of your marriage was that he didn't date - he didn't honor that, so f*ck his request for a condition of being besties.

Friends don't treat each other like shit.

1cewasthe1 posted 7/13/2011 12:15 PM

Checking in very late to this little party.

S over 3 years ago, moved out 2 months later, OM moved in a month after that.

They got married a little less than 2 weeks ago and are on their honeymoon as I type this.

I actually hope things are good for them... because I can at least have some solace knowing that someone I loved so deeply is happy.

Yes, I despise what they did to me, and I do not want her in my life more than she has to be for DDs sake, but I did love her (still do in a way I suppose - I never would have taken a vow to love her forever if I didn't figure I could), and ultimately her happiness is important.

If only our WSs had loved us enough not to have hurt us in such a profound way.

purplefinch posted 7/13/2011 21:38 PM

I agree - friends don't treat friends like shit. After all the lies he has been telling why would I want to spend time with him????? I think he says this to all his friends so he feels better about what he has done. They have all told him he is living in a dream world.

luviswhereiamnot posted 7/14/2011 08:56 AM

Purplefinch - you know, I did stay friends with my WH. I had a lot of reasons for it. He had an EA until he left.

One of the reasons at the top of the list was that I knew it would make OW crazy. And it does. He did make it a condition of his relationship with her that he would be friends with me and spend whatever time he wanted.

I didn't want him anymore and knew R was not a possibility, despite the fact that I loved him - still do love him, just know we can't be M.

Revenge sometimes is just being the thing they fight about. I know it may be a warped viewpoint, but it's worked for me and freed me up more than anything else to move on with my life.

ruinedandbroken posted 7/14/2011 21:50 PM

Hi there. I unfortunately belong in this forum too. He left me for OW but I didn't find out until 8 months after he left because he swore up and down that he and OW were done. I'm such an idiot for believing him. Anyway, we are in the middle of D right now. It seems that he and OW are broken up or taking a break or whatever, but he still does not want me back. Real self esteem boost for me.

purplefinch posted 7/16/2011 21:12 PM

Gosh I hate going through this. Today, I am bummed out because there's an incredible music festival that he wouldn't go to with me the last 2 years but of course, he is there with her today. Asshole. I hope he got sunburn on his feet.

I want nothing more than for them to crash and burn soon.

ruinedandbroken posted 7/16/2011 21:24 PM

I know exactly what you mean purplefinch. EXACTLY!

daisylvr posted 7/16/2011 22:43 PM

With you today purplefinch. My weekend with my kids and we had a good day with friends. It's tainted by me knowing he is with her. Try as hard as I might, I just can't get passed it. It hurts so much. The total disrespect for me and our marriage. He has taken her places he took me and ruined those places for me. He does this and wants us to be friends? Just can't stand any of it.

CanISurvive posted 7/19/2011 02:58 AM

I found out that my WW was quite upset in a counseling session months back because she realized she had lost me as a friend. How can I be friends with her when she's still with her OW? Wouldn't THAT be a fun dinner. She has her OW to cheer her up whenever she gets down, so I guess its np. Apparently they are quite happy, but I believe its partially because they are still "in the closet" to most people, and are enjoying keeping everything secret from members of each other's families. WW is moving to be closer to her OW's college.

I have to admit, I would probably smile and/or laugh if I at some future time one cheats on the other.

It sucks to be in so much pain, to be treated as a disposable object. To have all those years feel like you might not be worth keeping around. That the person you invested so much of your life and your self in could just walk away so easily.

suckstobeme posted 7/19/2011 05:06 AM

CIS - I know exactly how you feel. That feeling of being disposable is the worst. If we would have at least had some input in all of this; if this wasn't the most selfish, unilateral decision; if they didn't decide by themselves and pretty much in secret to end our lives together, then maybe it wouldn't be so bad. It would still be painful to end a M regardless, but this the worst way to do it.

It's hard, but part of me does believe that they don't walk away so easily. They will feel the impact of this at some point - we might never know it - but they will. They are living in their own hell right now - knowing that they are liars and cheaters who destroyed their families. Walk? They didn't walk. They ran. Unfortunately, they don't know that, instead of running from us, which is what they initially think, they are running from themselves. There's a reason that people say, "wherever you go, there you are." Can't run from yourself - they'll figure that out one day and that, in my opinion, will be a sweet, sweet day.

purplefinch posted 7/19/2011 07:46 AM

WOW CanISurvive and Suckstobeme, your words have hit home with me today. I do feel disposable. I just feel like he has thrown away 31 years of our lives. People tell me to remember we had a lot of good times and have a wonderful daughter as a result, and while that is true, I still feel like I've been discarded.

I do believe my stbxwh is having some internal strife but he is just not dealing with it except by drinking with the other hag/bitch and having a grand old time. As we go through mediation, his finances are deteriorating and I think he is starting to realize what a mess he's made. I sense a little bit of, not remorse or regret, but something that he is feeling badly. I hope that she is too but I doubt it. She won the cheating husband. Something to be really proud of. yeah.

And I don't know how I can be friends with him. He has his head so far up his ass he's seeing through his nostrils.

daisylvr posted 7/19/2011 16:19 PM

I know that disposal feeling oh so well. He decided to just throw it all away without even giving us chance. He made me feel like garbage.

I wonder how they can walk away so easily, without a look back. I had someone in my divorce support group (who's wife had cheated) say that my WS has to face myself in the mirror. I said it doesn't matter cause he thinks what he is doing is right. He said no, there is no way around it, there will come a time when he looks in the mirror and he WILL see himself. Like you say we probably won't know it.

I think the friends thing is just to help them feel well if she still my friend then I must not be a bad person. CanISurvive I agree with you, I can't be friends in the sense he wants as long as he is with OW. More cake eating, he wants her and my friendship.

[This message edited by daisylvr at 4:22 PM, July 19th (Tuesday)]

takinit posted 7/21/2011 18:47 PM

It has been 1 year 7 months from the D, but it has been 3 years 7 months from the D day. With hindsight being 20/20 there are a few things I would have done differently, but not many. I too have struggled with the idea that I was garbage that was so easily disposed. I have now been able to move away from that notion. I'm telling you it has taken close to 4 years. I have a feeling that when I look back in a couple of more years, I think my wanting to change a few things will include the notion of thinking that I was disposable. Think of this thought objectively. If this was your sister, brother, friend, and they told you that they feel disposable. I know my response will be to remind them that they are important and that she, he is valuable. I know it doesn't stop us from feeling this way because that is how each of us has been treated. But it is like taking advice from a person who knows nothing about what they are advising on. I need everyone here to remember that they are important, each and every one of you have a special value.
A friend of mine once told me that life isn't about finding is about creating yourself. Heck, each and everyone of us has been given a chance to create the true, real person that we are meant to be. We also have a front row seat in seeing from our X's on exactly NOT how to do it!

WarpSpeed posted 7/24/2011 11:09 AM

CIS - I know exactly how you feel. That feeling of being disposable is the worst. If we would have at least had some input in all of this; if this wasn't the most selfish, unilateral decision; if they didn't decide by themselves and pretty much in secret to end our lives together, then maybe it wouldn't be so bad. It would still be painful to end a M regardless, but this the worst way to do it.

My wife left me for her old HS BF. However, I had no idea that it was anything other than her leaving a marriage that she thought was bad and didn't want to fix.

Short time line . . .

End of Jan 2010 found a note on my bed and closet empty. Basically got the "I need to take care of me" speech.

First of March 2010 she filed.

First of May 2010 divorce was final.

End of May 2010 she moved back home to Florida.

Mid July last year I was dating, and she found out and THAT is when she told me she had not just divorced me but was running to a fantasy life with old HS BF.

Shockingly The fantasy disappeared give a bit of time and that was when she finally emerged from her fog and decided maybe we should talk.

It was an incredibly selfish and unilateral decision . . . made in the midst of a pretty major midlife crisis . . . and it was stupid.

Fortunately for her/us . . . I love her . . . and we worked through it . . . and we got remarried last August on our 23rd anniversary.

I still hate feeling disposable. I still hate that she could be that selfish. But, I still love her and she's working awfully hard to fix the broken parts in her that led to the massively painful shitstorm she through us into.

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