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When A WS Leaves For Their OP

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WarpSpeed posted 7/24/2011 11:09 AM

CIS - I know exactly how you feel. That feeling of being disposable is the worst. If we would have at least had some input in all of this; if this wasn't the most selfish, unilateral decision; if they didn't decide by themselves and pretty much in secret to end our lives together, then maybe it wouldn't be so bad. It would still be painful to end a M regardless, but this the worst way to do it.

My wife left me for her old HS BF. However, I had no idea that it was anything other than her leaving a marriage that she thought was bad and didn't want to fix.

Short time line . . .

End of Jan 2010 found a note on my bed and closet empty. Basically got the "I need to take care of me" speech.

First of March 2010 she filed.

First of May 2010 divorce was final.

End of May 2010 she moved back home to Florida.

Mid July last year I was dating, and she found out and THAT is when she told me she had not just divorced me but was running to a fantasy life with old HS BF.

Shockingly The fantasy disappeared give a bit of time and that was when she finally emerged from her fog and decided maybe we should talk.

It was an incredibly selfish and unilateral decision . . . made in the midst of a pretty major midlife crisis . . . and it was stupid.

Fortunately for her/us . . . I love her . . . and we worked through it . . . and we got remarried last August on our 23rd anniversary.

I still hate feeling disposable. I still hate that she could be that selfish. But, I still love her and she's working awfully hard to fix the broken parts in her that led to the massively painful shitstorm she through us into.

purplefinch posted 7/25/2011 09:07 AM

Congratulations, I hope it works out for you, WarpSpeed.

I kinda hold out a little hope in the back of my broken heart that this too may happen for me. Just a smidgen.

Best of luck.

CanISurvive posted 7/27/2011 01:14 AM


Glad to hear she defogged and is doing the work. I wish u the best of luck at reforging a new/different relationship with her, that it is stronger than before, and that you both get to a much better place.


CanISurvive posted 7/27/2011 01:14 AM


Glad to hear she defogged and is doing the work. I wish u the best of luck at reforging a new/different relationship with her, that it is stronger than before, and that you both get to a much better place.


CanISurvive posted 7/27/2011 01:15 AM

Crickey...sry 4 the dbl post...

takinit posted 7/29/2011 14:06 PM

I'm not sure if I am in legal trouble or not, but in a small revenge like way, I am smirking.

Back in '08 when I just found out about D-bag and C-words affair, I was looking for some sort of support online. (Before I found SI). I went to divorce360 and posted my story. In that story, I was asked about my greatest fear. I stated that I was afraid of C-word (I used her full name) having contact with my innocent daughter.
I checked my email and my X posted that I need to remove my blog because I used C-words name and it is just plain wrong.
I have to laugh because it has been up for 3 years and when her name is googled my blog comes up as the third website. Needless to say, I have removed her full name in my story and refer to her as the OW. They can come after me with a lawsuit, but I didn't write anything false. I was just expressing a fear. Let me know what you think...........

CanISurvive posted 8/1/2011 23:07 PM

It was probably wise to remove her name.

I do not know what legal grounds they'd use to go after you. I may be wrong, but I think slander only applies if you are wrongfully besmirching someone's good name with lies or hearsay...I don't know if they can complain because your blog revealed that you were upset at the possibility of the OW interacting with your daughter and/or the affair.

That said, frivolous lawsuits eat up money just like legitimate ones, so I still stand by removing the full name.

[This message edited by CanISurvive at 6:58 AM, August 2nd (Tuesday)]

takinit posted 8/10/2011 20:00 PM

Thanks for responding CanISurvive. I actually removed the entire blog. It was from 3 years ago. Besides, I don't need to give him any more contact with me.
It felt good to see where I was 3 years ago to see how far I have come.

crazynot posted 8/29/2011 04:07 AM

My WH left me and our DS (then 14, worshipped his dad and physically tried to stop him leaving) for a woman who lived a mile away, when our DD was 18 and travelling before uni. This was after months of 'false R'. I almost lost my reason, had serious clinical depression, and thought I'd never live through the pain. And yet now I realise I never really felt passion for him and we weren't suited. I'm looking forward to the future and can't wait to move away from here. He's still with her - yet so pathetically grateful that kids are speaking to him (after six months not). He comes to my house every day to see them and does more or less any chore I ask him to... after 30 years of friendship, marriage etc he is a good friend, and I almost feel he did me a favour in releasing me from a passionless marriage. Kids have never met HER and are still adamant that he must end relationship. This is a rotten thread to be in... being left for someone else must be one of the worsst things that can happen to anyone, yet we can live and be happy...xxxx

crickett posted 9/23/2011 01:06 AM

My situation is not like on tv where the cheater begs to come home.

Mine he said he left her, we were living apart cause of his job and I was sick.

So we buy a home near where he works, and move, and then he deserts me.

He is with her been over a year now. I feel like an idiot, he did all this when I was in cancer treatment.

My life with him seems like it didn't happen.

I don't know what to do, I love him.

[This message edited by crickett at 1:11 AM, September 23rd (Friday)]

daisylvr posted 9/23/2011 23:45 PM

(((crickett))) It's horrible enough to do this to a person, but to do when you're sick or use that an excuse is down right evil.

Know you're not the only one in a bad place tonight. My son and I returned home after an amazing high school football and he needed to call his dad to say goodnight. He tried STBX house phone and nope no answer. Then called his cell, he answered right away. Bet I can guess why he didn't answer house phone, he's at his whores place.

I just can't handle the fact that he is still involved with this person. My IC said it's too soon and going to take awhile for me to do so. That's just wonderful. Meanwhile I am sitting wide awake knowing that he sleeping soundly with her in her bed. Going to be a long night.

I wish this post was frequented more as I could really use some help with how to deal with this.

cas1987 posted 9/24/2011 00:06 AM

I fit here, my WH said he wanted the marriage but never stopped contact with MOW. I put up with him for 6 weeks before kicking him out, I think he was glad, he met right up with her 1st thing. We do have weekly contact but it is limited, I believe this helps with detachment, he tried being friendly I gave him angry, nipped that in the bud, he doesn't want to look bad too friends and family, but of course he does..Are marriage was not great before the A we had grown apart, but it was still very devestating.. Kids even though they r older r having a hard time, dtg exspecially...

crickett posted 9/24/2011 01:56 AM

Hey daisy and cas, this is rotten just rotten. And there is no excuse for cheating, none. I mean at least try, or talk, something. Our kids are in college and this has torn our family to shreds, he doesn't have anything to do with them, for over a year and a half now.

I try to stay up and read until I get really sleepy about 4am. That is what I do now, and I watch old frasier re runs that helps.

cas1987 posted 9/24/2011 03:19 AM

crickett yes it is hard.. I was on the fence about wanting to R or D in the beginning,but the choice was taken away when I realized he was still contacting her, Last week when he was at the house (selling) we actually talked more then usual he implied he wasn't seeing her but I know he is lying.. My dtg has been really affected by this she is 21 she says he won't talk to her.. I tried at first to cover and say I'm sure he feels guilty and ashamed but I now just tell her their r others in her life that love and care for her...

insecure posted 9/27/2011 09:25 AM

yes I think they do believe all the crap they tell us.

Mrs Jenkins posted 9/28/2011 07:53 AM

My WS walked out because I asked questions about why the OW was constantly contacting him. WS refuses to talk to me or our 2 adult children who both still live at home. It's as though we don't exist anymore now he has a new life with OW who he originally told me was a 'mother figure'. Nothing makes sense - everyone says he looks so unhappy and sick.

patienthusband posted 9/28/2011 09:08 AM

We were separated for a month after D-Day when my WW agreed to my conditions for R (NC with OM, therapy, counselling, etc.). There was a lot of hope, but within a week, she was quiet, and moping around the house - she claimed she was maintaining NC, and I believed her, and still do, because she was absolutely miserable. By the third week, she was openly musing about ending our attempt, even after our first MC session. We kept trying to 'talk through it', when I realized it was no longer my fight... she was either strong enough to maintain NC, or wasn't, but it was not my fight. She loved me but didn't know if it was enough, and that wasn't my fight either. Two nights before we ended our attempt at R, she once again mused about leaving, and I said "Just go, then." - and I felt a release and relief that I never felt before. It's been almost a week since I told her that, and a few days since she chose to be with the other guy, and I regret nothing. I'm sad, but I'll survive - she said that she 'doesn't deserve me', and I'm tired to trying to prove her wrong. The surreal part is that she has 'emotionally left', but we are still sharing our rental house for the next year due to leasing, job stability, economic, and children concerns. I basically have accepted that most evenings, she will be with OM, but that she will be here every morning like normal, for our kids, until we can finally get separate houses. Thankfully, we always go along day-to-day, and still do... have never fought in front of the children, and roughly share equal parts of the household chores. We're now basically roommates raising children, but since I get to see my kids every day instead of one week on, one week off, I'll gladly put up with this strange scenario for a year, because I love my children more than life itself.

BooBoo! posted 9/28/2011 09:50 AM

your in for a roller coaster ride. I dont think if will be healthy for you that she satys and goes nights with the OM.
Goodluck, my thoughts are with you

wannabenormal posted 9/28/2011 10:03 AM

PH - IMO, I totally agree that if she wants to live the dream, let her do it FULL TIME.

I really don't think it's a good idea to have her around in the mornings and then not at not and what happens on weekends and blah blah?

Y'all can 'do' this now, you might even be okay with it for a few months, but it's confusing (for kids mostly), PAINFUL and just effed up really.

XH lived with us for 4 months after d-day until he got his own place and it was probably hardest on me - I can't imagine the coming and going.

She doesn't get to be mom in the morning and someone else's GF at night. Jacked up!!!

Exit Wounds posted 9/28/2011 10:27 AM

Mine left me and more importantly our kids for the OW and HER kids. That lasted about two weeks, and suddenly they are not together anymore!

Life is good (enough) for my kids and I. We are making it, but had to move to a 2 bedroom's OK. We are blessed, he is NOT allowed back -EVER!

ETA he left US on Father's day this year (2011).

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 3:03 PM, December 23rd (Friday)]

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