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When A WS Leaves For Their OP

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patienthusband posted 9/28/2011 12:35 PM

Wannabenormal, she doesn't typically hang out with the guy until the kids are in bed, and she is not overnight with him, that was definitely not in the table... our economic situation is such that we don't have a lot of other options, so I'll put up with it for as long as I can. The kids are young enough that they don't know anything, and they never know she is gone... hardly a perfect scenario, but she is also a stay-at-home mom, and there are few full time jobs on the horizon. What WILL be confusing for the kids si that if we tell them that we're separated now, but still only have one family residence. The goal is to get ourselves set up in different households and have her in a full-time job by that time as well. This is not ideal but I have a lot of reasons to do this, and I'm going to accept that I'm going to take my lumps in the meantime - looking at short term pain for long term pain. As for how much pain it is, I've been strangly okay with it - I know exactly where we stand now, and I can now focus on taking care of me, while still getting to see my kids EVERY day for the next year, instead of half the time. Considering that they are both under 5, that is hugely important to me. I can 'move on' and 'find someone else' later... for now, my focus is the kids, and I mean that. If I were in some kind of limbo where I thought my WW and I still had a chance, I wouldn't do this, but that door is closed, and I'm moving on.

Edited to include the following point:

Wannabenormal, you asked about the weekends - she works every second weekend (part time job), and on the weekends that she doesn't, I can either do my own thing, or we'll spend time with the kids together, because that's what the kids will benefit from. Call me crazy, but any scenario where I can delay only getting my kids 50% of the time is fine by me. I can worry about having spare time to 'move on' when this next year is up. A two year old boy changes so much in a year, and I refuse to miss anything more than I have to.

[This message edited by patienthusband at 12:39 PM, September 28th (Wednesday)]

RedTulip posted 1/2/2012 10:05 AM

I am a member of this horrible club nobody wants to be in. My 32 year old husband decided his 40 year old single coworker is worth throwing away our lives for. All of a sudden the 12 years we were together did not matter anymore, nor did the house we bought, the life we built.

He now lives in an flat on his own, and as far as I know still seeing OW. She lives in a different country but they work for the same international organisation. So he's given up a lot to be with her, and I still hope that he will come out of this fog to realise what he's throwing away for this woman.

We had a good marriage, and I think he did not realise the slippery slope of the EA, and it sucked him right in.

He told me he's filing for divorce but this was a while ago and so far I've not heard anything from his solicitors.

To help my own healing in what is by far the most difficult time of my life I've gone NC.

I always thought that if he cheated I'd kick him to the kerb but now being in this situation, I still really want him back.

[This message edited by RedTulip at 10:06 AM, January 2nd (Monday)]

CanISurvive posted 1/3/2012 01:58 AM


You have my condolences for your SI Membership.

To help my own healing in what is by far the most difficult time of my life I've gone NC.

I always thought that if he cheated I'd kick him to the kerb but now being in this situation, I still really want him back.

Many of us felt that way. Some successfully Reconcile, others end up in Divorce. Only you and he will be able to decide the best path.

Looks like you've only posted twice. Just in case, start checking out The Healing Library. There is lots of really good information there. Post often, ask any questions you need to. Key things up front:

1.) Drink lots of fluids, especially water. Stuff with electrolytes is also very good, as are protein shakes if you find you cannot eat, etc.
2.) Eat as soon as you are able. Many of us went through what is called "The Infidelity Diet" where you lose a *lot* of weight.
3.) Sleep as much as you can; many end up with insomnia.

Have you looked into counseling to help with everything you're going through? Do you have family and friends you can lean on?

Post often.

RedTulip posted 1/3/2012 03:01 AM

No family, unfortunately. I moved to a different country to be with WH and contact with relatives peetered out over the years. I do not come from a very large or close knit family. Friends are supportive, but many do not really want to know about infidelity, or have very strong opinions on the matter.

D-day was about 6 months ago, so the initial shock stages have subsided.

I still have trouble sleeping, and my appetite isn't fab but I'm coping. Besides, I can't be bothered to cook for just me most of the time...

I've been having couceling for about 4 months, and it helped a lot.

Also, my job is keeping me on the straight and narrow, and helps me maintaining a daily routine.

I just feel a bit in limbo, I so want J to come out of the fog and come home, but on the other hand I am not holding out much hope for this to happen. He can be incredibly stubborn.

From reading up on various infidelity related websites I have gained a lot of insight and my WH is behaving like a typical wayward in a lot of ways.

But, unlike most waywards who regret their actions, he is convinced his AP is his 'soulmate' and shows absolutely no interest in me or our marriage anymore whatsoever.
He is doing the classic rewriting of our history and demonising of me and that is truly sad and painful.

I have not read about many marriages getting back on track from this.

[This message edited by RedTulip at 3:03 AM, January 3rd (Tuesday)]

DarkestHour215 posted 3/13/2012 16:06 PM

I definitely belong here, I have read all 35 pages of post and are about to read them again because all of you have had such good insight to a similar situation, So here is my story

Me and my EW was married for 9 years, we separated in Nov 2010, Dday was April 2011, and we divorced July 2011,

She left me for a coworker, like many of you I didnt see this coming, it just was all of a sudden she was unhappy about everything and irritable, about every and anything, no matter what I did it was never right, I just had no clue what was wrong

when we separated she gave me the typical I love you but not in love with you speech, and that she needs some space, I thought hey if thats what she needed I would give it to her, I had no clue that she already was well into a relationship with the OM, There are no words for the devastation when I found out through FB that she was having an affair, now before all of this I totally believed anything my ex said and never would have thought she would do anything like this, and later thats when I figured it was that very reason that she was able to get away with so much right under my nose, it was because I didnt even think it was possible for us to go through such a thing, anyway when I confronted her, she was angry at me for finding out, and then she goes on to rewrite our whole marriage and say she was never happy, and EVERYTHING was my fault

She has moved in with the OM and they have a life together now, and if I'm being honest it absolutely kills me inside even 14 months after she has been gone, she has since changed her cell, so I dont have it, but she wanted to call me from work and said we should email eachother once a month and be friends, I told her she was crazy

but as I said it hurts like hell to be replaced, and even now today she rather be with him, she still calls private and hangs up (cant figure whats that about) but this whole situation is definitely one of the hardest things I ever had to face, and its a continuous effort to put one foot in front of the other

seriously?99 posted 4/15/2012 01:28 AM

Oh yeah. They can sit together & whine about how crappy their marraiges were and how terribly unhappy they were until the found each other. I hope she has to work extra to pay MY kids child support, he sure isn't gonna do it.

zoebell posted 4/21/2012 14:06 PM

Just a funny story about karma biting you in the butt!

My XH cheated, apparently a bunch...married 13y two DDs ...the final OW was my Dd's best friend's mother (MY FRIEND).. well he left she left her H and they married..end to story..NOT!

I caught them and told them before they moved forward that my best revenge was to let them have each other and boy was I right!
They were married a total of 6 years. After the first year OW called me and said "I think he's having an affair with you" I laughed and said he's your problem now!!!

They divorced after cheating on each other multiple times and OW had the nerve to call me and ask to be friends again!!!

oh well sometimes letting WS go accomplishes the best healing

purplefinch posted 5/11/2012 13:00 PM

I love these karma stories!

sometimes letting WS go accomplishes the best healing

You got that right!!

dumped&replaced posted 5/12/2012 22:04 PM

Well, Sadly, i keep checking this thread and hoping to see the story I want to see:

Yeah, he moved in with MOW.
Discovered the grass really is NOT greener on the other side.
He Learned that living together 24/7 is a far cry from from f***ing each other at a hotel right down the street from my house.
His adult kids (and hers from what I understand)will NEVER sanction this relationship and in fact, have no desire to meet her. So I would like to hear from him that , yeah, in retrospect, maybe this was a really bad idea...

And STBX's parents will be coming to DS HS graduation 6/13..and from what my boys have shared my mother and father in law are NOT happy with STBX, do NOT approve of his affair or his refusal to try counseling with me and his moving in with whore. They told my sons they are so sorry but have no control over the situation and have NO idea what to say to them or me.

So that's the big picture. And yet dumbass is still living with whore and pretty much ignoring his kids, except for the occasional "let's go golfing" or "let's meet for lunch".

What I keep wanting to see on this thread is SOMEBODY, ANYBODY who can say:

"Yeah, the light finally dawned...he admitted he f***ed up bigtime. He knows all he did was "replace" me with her...and he is miserable."

Has this ever occurred in anybody's situation???

If that ever happens , please, could someone PM me???

Thanks SI friends...I swear I'd be in a mental hospital by now if it were not for all of u!!!!!

shiloe posted 5/18/2012 13:02 PM

I'm right there with you dumped&replaced

I too want to hear this from other people on here.


[This message edited by shiloe at 1:04 PM, May 18th (Friday)]

willthiseverend posted 5/20/2012 14:12 PM

Yeah, the light finally dawned...he admitted he f***ed up bigtime. He knows all he did was "replace" me with her...and he is miserable."

Has this ever occurred in anybody's situation???

Yes, it happened to me. He lasted 2 months with OW and realised it was all a fantasy, moved out, made inroads to me about R which I was considering when I found out that he was still in contact with her. At this point I went NC, zilch, except emails about kids and finaces, changed the locks. We didn't come face to face for months, despite his pleadings.

I was done!

He finally got his shit together, did IC, dumped OW, and just worked at trying to be a good father.

Eventally we started dating and moved back in together 8 months after he dumped OW.

He now looks back at himself with horror and is so grateful to me, says am the centre of his life.

He says the real wake up call was when I totally removed myself from his life.

I am so proud of my dignity in this awful situation. I know now that I will be okay, no matter what.

I think reading here that the ones who come back and face what they have done are far and few.

I think the real thing is to make sure that YOU are alright, realise that your happiness does not depend on them or any relaionship.


SerJR posted 5/25/2012 18:29 PM

"Yeah, the light finally dawned...he admitted he f***ed up bigtime. He knows all he did was "replace" me with her...and he is miserable."

If they were happy and functional, then why would they be such miserable and dysfunctional pricks?

It's rare for a WS that leaves the marriage to admit they were wrong. Doing so would be to take responsibility for a horrible and hurtful decision that would conflict with what they want to believe about themselves.

You don't need to look to him for validation of your worth. Respect yourself on your own merits - not on the merits of his failures and shortcomings.

HillBillie posted 5/28/2012 12:31 PM

Another member of this awful, awful club. It's been a little over a month since D-day.

I have been NC since the day I left the house. I'm in IC and trying to figure out how to survive financially.

Nine years (three married) down the drain. Things weren't going great, but were fixable until this happened.

His teenage son, who has multiple psychiatric diagnoses, was complicit in the whole affair and is supposedly very happy with th new family arrangments (yeah, I'd be happy, too, if I were a 17 yo boy with no bedtime, didn't have to comb my own hair, could eat whatever I wanted, didn't have to go to counseling any more, etc).

WH doesn't want to fix things (he's in luuuurve, you know), so I'm taking the next step.

SerJR posted 5/28/2012 19:01 PM

Welcome here HillBillie... it is an awful club... but it is stacked with some of the strongest, most resilient people out there.

Many situations are fixable... it just requires our WS to take responsibility for their actions and themselves, but unfortunately some find it too difficult and long for the fantasy of the affair.

Of course, that fantasy has no basis in reality, so often WS's will act as the "disney parents" and just take the easy way out of parenting instead of providing a solid end secure environment for children because... you guessed it... it's easier and they feel they will be liked for it.

I'm glad to hear that you're in counseling and looking to take care of the practical matters to protect what matters. It's a difficult time, but things will get better.

roseguide posted 7/20/2012 13:48 PM

Just checking in-

ManBearDivorce posted 7/25/2012 20:42 PM

I love you but not "in" love with you.

I want to build my world with my own two hands.

I was not happy with you.

You ignored me.

You never Loved me.

You don't care about me.

You are the meanest person in my life.

You are crazy.

You make me hate you the most.

You are the worst person in the world.

See how it is turned around to being my fault. 2 months of small talk gets me the bad person and WW the victim. I gave up and kicked her out. Best thing I could do. She is calling me for some reason right now but the NC rule is in affect. LOL

Kajem posted 7/29/2012 22:04 PM

I have the most unfortunate luck to have had this happen more than once. Yay me.

WXH was told to leave 4/2003 when I found him on the phone everynight with OW. We divorced 9/03, they married a few days after the ink was dry on the final papers. Fast forward to 2011, X and NW file bankruptcy loose a home and property. But they are sooo happy together. He cannot speak to his parents, me, 2 out of 4 of his kids, his sister or her kids without having NW/OW present and listening to the phone calls. He is also NOT allowed to visit his new granddaughter upon her birthin hospital. He is NOT allowed to attend her christening without NW being present. NW was NOT invited.

Sucks to be him.... but he chose he deserves her.... and she deserves him. She drives by my house regularly... I do not know why, but if she is looking for her H.... he is NOT welcome here. LOL.

I was in an 8 year relationship after my divorce with another BS. He had a 26yo colleague drunk dial him one night professing her attraction to him. He is 53. He has since broken up with me, and she is now moving in. Dday way june 15, 2012... she will be moved in by the end of the month.

I am done. He wants to be my best friend.. no one knows him like I do. yada yada yada...

My friends don't treat me this way and remain my friends.

I am done. I have no reason to contact him, and I won't.

But he contacts me .... what do I do?

luv2swim posted 11/28/2012 02:37 AM

When WS leave for their OP, do they have regrets?

As a BS I can not answer this. However, I recently asked my dad this question (he is an old guy who left my mom after 36 years of marriage, divorced her, and married his 13-years-his-junior secretary). His observation is that most men who bail on family for a younger women DO regret their move. But typically the regret comes many years later, and assuredly it is too late. The kids are grown, and wayward parent has often missed so much of their growing up. The betrayed spouse has moved on, and is (hopefully) thriving with another, or happy single. Meanwhile, as my own dad remarked, not a whole heck of a lot changes for the WS, except he or she, is older, the problems are still there, because typically it was not the old wife, or even the new wife. It is INSIDE the one who runs away and betrays! But now, he has lost the family he betrayed when he acted the ass, and ran to the other women.

Dear ole dad says he has known a whole passel of fellows with this same story. And of course, he was confessing to me that this was his story... and likely my ex Hs.

I never thought I married someone like my father, but it seems I did (sigh). Dear ole Dad assured me my ex would someday regret. Said he regretted divorcing my mom. "Wasn't worth it".

Sad truth.

[This message edited by luv2swim at 2:46 AM, November 28th (Wednesday)]

JW123 posted 12/2/2012 08:55 AM

Just before my Dad died, he phoned my Mom (They had divorced 18 years before as he had left for his secretary and they went on to get married). Anyway my Mom never took the call as she was out and he left a message saying that leaving her was the biggest mistake in his life and he so regretted her pain. He said he should have left OW and stayed with my Mom and made it work. He died two days after that message came through.

So I hope and pray that one day my XWH comes to the realisation of the pain he caused. He cant right now - he is still in the fog. The trouble is I have to stop the anger and move forward.

dumped&replaced posted 3/27/2013 21:36 PM

I was just long do these little lovebirds last?

My ex moved in with his (then married) whore in Dec's been almost 16 months now and they are still together. Seems he is taking her to his nephew's wedding in a couple weeks...guess she is being introduced as the new love of his life.

My college age boys were freaked out about the whole thing from day one and still refuse to meet her...they were just home for spring break and STILL...have not met her.

How does a person maintain a "good" relationship with his AP/ live-in lover when his own kids won't even step foot inside his new place, much less meet the girlfriend? He claims to love his kids...yet he clearly has chosen his whore over them. And from what my kids have said, her only daughter still refuses to see her or let her see her grandchildren..

I just don't get it...wouldn't this crap take a toll on their relationship????

Everyone tells me it won't last but so far, it IS....and I just don't understand how...

Thoughts???? Does ANYBODY get this phenomenon???

Paladin posted 3/27/2013 22:26 PM

I read that the success rate for relationships born from infidelity is 3%....

So either they are beating the odds...or its only a matter of time before it falls apart...

My WW wouldnt give up I eventually tossed her took her living with him for her to finally "get it" about him and burst her fantasy bubble..

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