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User Topic: When A WS Leaves For Their OP
Paladin
♂ Member
Member # 38367
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, March 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read that the success rate for relationships born from infidelity is 3%....

So either they are beating the odds...or its only a matter of time before it falls apart...

My WW wouldnt give up OM..so I eventually tossed her out...it took her living with him for her to finally "get it" about him and burst her fantasy bubble..


Me BH 49
Her WW 42
Together 27 Married 23
DS 22,DS 20,DD 11
D Day 11/8/11
Separated trying to R

"When you understand the nature of a thing, you know what its capable of"...musashi...the book of five rings


Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Paladin
foxglove
♀ Member
Member # 21791
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, March 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Dumped&Replaced)))

Your story is very similar to mine-long term marriage with kids in college at the time. The affair took place in the college town of our oldest son. The boys tolerated her, but I think primarily not to rock the boat with their dad.

My XH left for the OW and they were together for four years. It didn't really occur to me that he would want to come back because he was so convinced that we had a terrible marriage and this was the best relationship of his life. It turned out not to be so, since her behavior could be impulsive and she also kept him on a very short leash. It took a while to extricate himself from the relationship, including involving my college age boys in helping him secretly move out.

For approximately a year, he sent me letters, email, text messages, and twice came to see me unannounced. I was actually a little fearful at one point because he seemed so desperate. He kept telling me how sorry he was and I do believe he is, but it's a very shallow kind of regret.

He's sorry, but only to the point that it has not worked out for him. He cannot understand or even acknowledge my pain or the pain he's caused the kids. Six years later, it's still all about him. Furthermore, after all this time alone working on myself and making my own decisions, I'm not the same person anymore. I've grown so much that I wouldn't allow myself to go back to the same marriage in which I was a doormat-and that's just exactly what he would like.

ETA: He currently lives with yet another woman, who the boys like even less than the OW. And guess what? He's not happy. He refuses to consider that his choices are the common denominator for why he is so unhappy.

[This message edited by foxglove at 6:20 AM, March 28th (Thursday)]


Me (BS)47
XH (WS)53
Married 21 years
Divorced 2/19/07
Two sons 21 and 23 in college

Posts: 1451 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Northern Michigan
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH has lived with OW for most of a year. Made a double life for himself and told people he was staying with a sibling.

Keeps stuff at OW's house, "our" house and siblings. Sibling knew of A most of the time and didn't do anything about it.

I am a pregnant BS (during false R) trying to get back on my feet after the third or so DDay a few months ago.

Any advice for dealing with feelings would be great...every time he brings DD home and I know he is going "there", I gag.

He confessed the A to family but is still in it and speaks of a "future with OW".

Curious though...if I let anyone tell me anything about WH, they say he doesn't ever say her name, he calls her "her". I wonder why that is? But he also calls DD "her" too.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My first anniversary alone was in August.

I spent the entire morning and afternoon in tears and alone. By late afternoon could not stand it.

An old friend and I have been in touch, so she joined me for dinner.

It really helped because at the end of the day and after it, I could look back on it as not empty.

So when other occasions have come, that became my pattern.

I struggle with knowing that people really do still care about me, but the one I cared about most and in such a different way, threw me away.

At my birthday last month, my family hada large dinner at a restaurant. All these cousins came from out of state, interrupted their lives, all for me. I sat at the head of the table where they placed me and kept asking myself why I was still important to them but not him.

Cleary I am an okay person somehow, if all these people came? They overwhelmed me with gifts and a cake and now, thankfully, Easter is gone, the last of the first holidays in this new and lonely life.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These stories are so similar to mine. I have suspected WH is going through a midlife crises as well.

He even talked about his father, who died when he was a kid, in the fall and his childhood. He rehashes our M and trashes it, forgetting the good parts, blaming me for the bad in his life.

He looks different and acts very different...juvenile and obnoxious and constantly arguing or ignoring.

He believes his A is far more real than our M and tossed out M like nothing mattered, 20 years of work and good times.

I have been told that MLC's are processes after a breakdown and it is not known who will come out on the other side, but also that if an A occurs during one, the WS may see it as an escape from their problems? When in reality it is causing far more.

I have to sit and watch WH throw his life away, his reputation, family are angry at him, but what amazes me is that none of this matters when a tryst is possible?

We had an active sex life for the most part, but I think the escape idea is probably spot on for WH and some others I have heard of locally.

WH speaks to people of a "future" with OW and her family and has entwined himself in their house and lives. He calls them "good people", who learned he was M and kept him?

For a long time I spewed about OW and blamed her, but I know now that she doesn't even know me or owe me anything, really. But I will never understand a person who does not turn an M person away when they know it, know matter what lies they hear.

And, how can she believe this is "real", when they started out on such massive lies-or anyone who does?


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I saw a few posts on this thread asking why WS betray BS in the cheating ways.

Many times I have asked people that question. Though I am not an overly religious person-or otherwise, I am rather neutral there-the person whose answer helped me most was my childhood priest and the one who married us.

He said that STBXH's (I don't want to generalize) background is such that he is probably a massively broken person inside, who doesn't ever tell another person when he has real problems.

WH in my life grew up the youngest of over 10 kids, always feeling he had to prove himself. It is believed that that upbringing led him to seek ego/esteem boosts outside himself instead of inside and his A apparently does that for him...right now.

The priest told me as well that even if this A lasts a while and even after our D and it lasts and they get married, WH probably won't self reflect and fix himself-he'll just fix his problems with putting other people in his life instead and it won't matter the devestation left in his wake.

That really helped me because people everywhere say, "It's not you, it's him!", but they never say why exactly, so how do I believe that?

Wh in my case grew up with alcoholic parents in a giant family and the dad died when he was 10. Some siblings lost faith after that and he copied them, which I sometimes wonder if it would help with the lack of boundaries.

Then less than seven years later, a sibling died tragically when they were all home. I think there was no IC or C for any of them and another sibling tells me they all decided they weren't going to show the mother any feelings or hard times to make her worry more.

So this taught WH to conceal any feelings and problems his whole life long and not work on them verbally.

Sometimes, other counselors have said, childhood things that are not solved or put away for people may push them toward a personality or other that may lend itself toward an A. Rather than telling me his problems with M and me, he found another person to tell instead. In an odd way, that made sense and I hope it helps anyone.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
LeftBehind08
♀ Member
Member # 38705
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, April 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read that the success rate for relationships born from infidelity is 3%...

Seems so low. Maybe I was so lucky to see my ex marry OW as they beat the odds! Read: complete sarcasm!!


Sometimes it's lonely, Sometimes it's only me & the shadows that fill this room...
But it's a great day to be alive & the sun still shines when I close my eyes ~Travis Tritt

Posts: 77 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington
Kajem
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Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, April 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My dad was with his OW for 11 years before she died from brain cancer.

My XH is still with OW 10 years later.

XSO I assume is still with OW.. who moved in with him last summer.

I am feeling off today and things with X's have been on my mind... I keep replaying what he said in my minds theatre...

I need to find away to change this movie...I know the plot and the ending.. and it isn't good.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4857 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
rumorhasit
♀ Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I didn't mean for it to happen this way."

Biggest piece of b.s. ever. Exactly what did you THINK would happen?


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too, am in this club. My main post is in the JFO forum under "wife left me for her boss'
I gave her space in our house whilst I lived at my Dads. her idea of space was to continue seeing OP. I moved back in once I found out and within a week she had shacked up with him in a large house and taken my kids too. The kids are so confused.

I spend every waking minute hoping that their relationship will fail, even though I should focus on something else, I just can't right now.
I hold on to the statistics being in my favour and then I see examples where the WS never comes out of the fog and they live happily ever after.

I thought I knew extreme pain. All pain before this was a scratch in comparison to the open heart surgery (without anaesthetic) I'm going through now


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now pregnant
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 648 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 5:00 AM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's so important for us to all remember that generally speaking, things rarely are what they seem.

When this all started and exWH left for that skank, I was demolished. I did what everyone does. I blamed myself. I believed him when he said it was because of things I said or did years ago, regardless of whether he ever told me these things bothered him. I believed that OW was a younger, more fun, better version of me. And they put on the show for a while. They went on vacations together, he bought her things, they partied, and cavorted around our local work community like it was the greatest love ever found. Again, I was demolished. I was left behind, rejected in the most cowardly way to raise kids, work full time at a stressful career, clean house, food shop, and cry myself to sleep every night. I think I saw what hell looks like as a result of the pain and those awful dark, dark days.

ExWH and OW are still together. They live together now. For a while, I thought one of my worst nightmares had come true.

Little by little though, I've gotten to see, mostly by accident, that things are very far from what they seem. I don't go looking for information. It somehow comes to me, and most times, it makes me smile at what a mess he's in.

ExWH is horrid with money and doesn't have a lot. At least not as much when he was with me and the salaries were doubled. He has child support, a mortgage, massive school loans and credit card debt that he got to take all by himself as part of the settlement. They re no longer going on exotic vacations. OW works part time in a bar to make the bills.

ExWH has aged about 10 years in the last 2. When he left, he looked so handsome. Now, he looks like Columbo - an old, disheveled, dirty old man. He's at least sixty pounds heavier, all gray, bloated in the face and wrinkled. That's what hard living does.

They have no friends. She didn't just slide into my place like she thought would happen. Theirs was a work place affair and apparently, my exWH was not her first. The executive level men and their wives that we used to socialize with want nothing to do with them. The other secretaries hate her guts and let her know at every turn. In fact, OW is now claiming that she has to endure workplace bullying because of them. Poor waddle muffin.

My kids do not like OW. She's bitichy to them and treats them like a bother. She signed up to go after a dude who had two small kids and she can't even bother to fake any feelins for them.

And, lastly, my kids have reported that OW is also bitchy to their dad. She yells at him and yanks him around by the nose. What she doesn't realize is that he will only take it for so long. He's the most conflict avoidant man alive so he will never tell her to stop bitching at him. One day, he will just turn around and leave.

So again, while this is the most crushing thing to endure in a relationship - that rejection, loss of control, and having to see their new love thrown directly in your face while you wipe noses, watch crappy t.v., and swallow medication to help get through the days - just remember that nothing is what it seems. I suspect we all believed before DDay that we had solid marriages. Obviously, that wasn't what it seemed. Don't buy into the new bullshit. The truth will eventually come to light and you will find that whether they stay together or not, it's a relationship built on lies, pain, and shit. Nothing good comes from that foundation.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2708 | Registered: Jan 2011
Ashland13
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Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My stbxh wants to marry ow and lives there since last year. He calls her family his friends. His own family has many people who won't speak to him after learning of his activities.

Why do the things a ws will lose not matter in the face of a? 20 years, a house we built, a baby coming and ds, reputation, its so much. Why does nothing matter but a person he hardly knows?
The karma bus has come several times, in huge ways, but he's so far in the fog he doesn't show signs of remorse.

During false r I finally saw how messed up he's become, but still I miss the good parts of life before it all began a year and half ago.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Ashland13
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Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While I dont know if I agree, I've heard that a married person symbolizes security to people willing to let themselves become an op.

Also, i hope this isn't too much generalizing, but this opinion also said that a wedding ring on a figer symbolizes security in a person that an op can't find any other way and wants so much they will compromise their morals and the married person's morals if they fall for it.

The willingness to destroy other people for their gain isn't important because other people aren't even thought of.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While I dont know if I agree, I've heard that a married person symbolizes security to people willing to let themselves become an op.

Also, i hope this isn't too much generalizing, but this opinion also said that a wedding ring on a figer symbolizes security in a person that an op can't find any other way and wants so much they will compromise their morals and the married person's morals if they fall for it.

The willingness to destroy other people for their gain isn't important because other people aren't even thought of.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While I dont know if I agree, I've heard that a married person symbolizes security to people willing to let themselves become an op.

Also, i hope this isn't too much generalizing, but this opinion also said that a wedding ring on a figer symbolizes security in a person that an op can't find any other way and wants so much they will compromise their morals and the married person's morals if they fall for it.

The willingness to destroy other people for their gain isn't important because other people aren't even thought of, only the a people.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for the duplicate posts. Can they be deleted?


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
rumorhasit
♀ Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My XWBF has been living w his 42 year old sugar momma for almost two weeks as far as I know. Maybe its been more. He still maintains a room at his moms house for when he has his daughter on weekends. (Her mother will not allow her to be around the OW) He never has our son on his own, let alone overnight.

I'm still hoping he comes to his senses... all his friends but one hate this woman. His family won't accept her. They love me and were hoping we'd get married.

This woman is a drama llama (she convinced him it would be funny to say they are "engaged" on fb. She is 42! That is teenage bs.) And she's totally on the rebound from one of XWBF's friends, who came to his senses early and never left his gf, he stopped cheating and they have R. They are now engaged. As in real life engaged not FB nonsense. I am happy for them. Miserable for me. I hope this bitch is gone soon!


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
roseguide
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Member # 35697
Default  Posted: 2:13 AM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


D final 12/3/12 6 months and 4 days from D-day
My only missteps were; 1. Listening to lies because I didn't want to see the painful truth, 2. Letting it go on this long, 3. Being capable of love beyond all reason and condition - Eumenides, SI member

Posts: 183 | Registered: May 2012 | From: New Jersey
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a new thought today, in that stbxh really did fail us. I've spent many hours on si and what stands out now is that we dont't seem to realize that this person failed us in some of the worst possible ways that human beings can.

When I remember this, I mourn for the memory of him, for lost dreams and the wreckage he left behind.

My dd will never be the same, nor will I. I dont consider her "his any longer, but a gift he left behind, like my baby on the way.

I think of myself like a widow, though the irony does not escape me as that was his a status.

I dont know if this will help anyone facing the same loss on si, but it helps me in my sorting process.

It doesnt lessen the grief, but small things like one less contact when I think of it help me feel better about myself.

When the grief comes, I think of the drama and pain he caused and what I want in mine and my childrens life instead.

When I read about "toxic" people, it is him and helps to know ow wont be able to keep him leashed for too long.

Ive heard they are having an "open relationship", which makes me gag and feel great disgust. Does she think this will help her keep him longer?

I just can't fathom that, but know its more and more popular.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure if this is posted on the thread yet, but I wanted to ask/complain about something that bothers me.

I read/see/hear advice that tells us that "outting the A will stop it." But in the case of STBXH it didn't and so I am failing to understand how/why that advice works. I get the concept, sure, but maybe am just angry that it didn't work here.

Thank you.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
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