My X also married OW a couple of weeks after our divorce was final. 6 months from when he was told to leave. That was in 2003.
My DDs (4 of them ages 8-12 at the time) all went along with him for fear of loosing his love. With me they let the anger flow... I had 1 DD beating up her sisters and on a suicide watch. Another took to pelting a punching bag... another took to mouthing off at me. Other dd took to eating and doubled her weight in a year.
We mucked thru... got therapy.. and mucked our way thru some more. It wasn't perfect in my house... they saved that for dear old dad.
10 years later:
He has NO relationship with the suicidal DD.
He barely has a relationship with another DD.
He has a little better relationship then the oldest DD.
3rd DD is a bit better than oldest DD.
Youngest DD has the best relationship with him, even though she admits that his wife (not her stepmom) is a biatch.
Thru the years when they traditionally hit 18 he stops helping them. That is when their relationship suffers.
Hugs, it isn't easy... but we much thru... no other choice...yanno?
Thank you for your response to my first ever post
There are days when I feel like I am just going through the motions. It's hard. But I know it will get better and I keep waiting for that karma bus to hit him and the homewrecker head on. That sounded so evil! I think what makes it even worse is that he never admitted any wrongdoing. It was all my fault, of course. And just "really bad timing" --his words--that the OW just happened to be around at the same time he was considering leaving me. How convenient for him!
Anyway, I have been really down lately and happened upon this website. Knowing that I am not alone is a great comfort to me!
You are not alone... This is my third website of stories like ours.
MY X blamed me for the demise of our marriage also. According to him I control everything that goes wrong in his life. He actually made wrote in an email (ccing HIS attorney) that the 2004 hurricanes (5) that hit florida were my doing because they happened on the weekends he had visitation!
Yep, I am THAT powerful!!
He is delusional!!!!
They do justify don't they?
Keep going thru the motions... doing that is hard enough some days. Eventually you will find some time that you want to fill with something else - that has to do with where you are now. When that happens be sure to let us know..we love those kind of things here.
My children break my heart every time I see them. They are obviously confused and struggling with the new situation and want to be with me in our family home.
It destroys me to see WW and POS setting up home together and acting like a family with my children. They've now been living as a family for 6 weeks and there are no signs of the bubble bursting. She seems totally oblivious to the damage she's done to our family and the hurt that ravages me every minute of the day. I still suffer pangs of shock and incredulity that this has happened. Everything gone, in an instant and never to be the same again.
[This message edited by allatsea at 9:44 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)]
Having to see him twice a week on my doorstep after visitations and every other weekend after he brings my daughter back to me seems to make it worse. The hurt, anger and humliation seems to come rushing back. And when I see the homewrecker in the car, sitting in MY driveway, I have to restrain myself from going out there and going off on her.
My thoughts are with everyone on this board. It is truly an awful feeling ...to feel rejected and discarded and replaced. But at least we can hold our heads high, knowing we have our morals and standards, knowing that we are not the ones that destroyed our families. They will have to live with what they did the rest of their lives.
The down days are so hard, especially in the beginning. I know.
Please try to remember, while you are grieving and focusing on yourself, that all that we see on the outside is rarely, if ever, truly the case. The bubble will likely not burst for a while, but trust me, it's floating around a giant pile of shit and will eventually break apart.
Right now, the kids are confused and hurt, but mom is doing what she can to fill up those voids with superficial fun crap. Reality hasn't hit this yet. Yes, they've moved in, but it's still in the la la land phase.
My exWH moved in with the slunt a few months ago. Before that, they lived close to each other so visitation weekends were spent a lot with slunt and her two kids.
A good friend warned me to watch out in the beginning for lots of talk of fun. Fun, fun, fun. Then, somewhere down the line, she promised, true colors will come out.
In my case, those colors are out and flying around with zero abandon.
In the beginning, I thought slunt was a better, younger, cooler, more fun version of me. I thought she must be the love of his life for him to just leave us like that. And it made me feel awful. All the time.
Now, i see it all so differently. She cant hold a candle to me. Her true colors are out and they show she is a nasty, mean, controlling trash bag who doesn't treat my children well at all. She is clearly jealous of them and sees them as a threat to her and her kids. She harps on them and criticizes them for nothing. She gets them nothing for birthdays or Christmas and, when her kids are not around and mine are, she doesn't cook and "lays down a lot". I've had to talk to exWH about the fact that the kids say she's nasty to them and makes them feel uncomfortable in their fathers house. They have told him that they feel like he goes along with whatever she says. (Ouch!) OW also works with him and has been very vocal about how, more than two years later, everyone in the office hates her. He lost all of his friends and pushed away his family for a time out of fear and guilt. He doesnt even want to face the kids more than he has to since they are still confused about why he chose that life over ours. The part that makes me smile is that the kids now tell me that she's also nasty to him.
So, while he had that same swagger that your WW has now, it has totally disappeared. He's gained a ton of weight and has aged ten years in the last two. People who see him, tell me he never smiles and frequently looks pissed off. To me, he's just a lost, weak individual who likely now asks himself all the time what the hell happened to his comfortable, nice, loving little world.
I honestly dreaded the fact that he stayed with her and had so much sadness and anxiety when she started coming around my kids. I hated that they lived near each other and moved in together. I hated hearing the stories of how they spent their time.
My counselor, on the other hand, told me that she had been waiting for it and wanting it. She said the move in was the nail in the coffin and that, regardless of how long they stay together and even if they marry, it's going to become crystal clear that he painted his stupid ass into a serious corner and that happiness will never be part of their equation.
I'm starting to see it and eventually you will too. Just give it time.
My Xh left for his affair partner 10 years ago. My kids were 12, 10 and 8 at the time. That was 2003.
He would always look good picking up the kids...and bring her everytime in the beginning.
10 years later our kids are adults, one doesn't speak to him because of a rift his wife caused. Another child barely has a relationship with him. 3rd child is on the fence. And 4th is playing the golden child.
They all know they are one step away from being discarded.. the older 2 have experienced it first hand. The younger 2 have seen it and know that dad and NW's love is conditional.
He looks 20 years older than he should. He is not allowed to speak to his family(parents, sibling) without her being present. To go against her wishes is to incur her wrath. If you think about it.. they can not trust one another as they both cheated in their former marriages.
They should have a long life together.
The future will unfold and a lot of things will be brought to light. Like the truth. Be there for your kids, the stable parent is the one the kids need and right now YOU are the stable parent.
This, Kajem, is absolutely true! You know how some couples have cute stories of how they met? Well, how cute is it to say "We were both married at the time and left our spouses for each other." Not cute at all. They deserve each other.
I think it took me a couple of years (or four) to stop triggering. Then they moved from 2 hours away to 10 minutes. Now they live less than a mile away. We share the same grocery store (our kids work at it) movie theatre, mall... and everything else.
In the almost 6 years they have lived in my area.. I rarely see them. Thank you, Jesus.
XH and I have had a lot of kid events to attend over the last decade. I always ignore them... I get to the event early and sit myself as close to the stage as I can.. so no one sits in front of me. That way I can concentrate on the event without having them in my peripheral vision. I don't turn around... I don't care where they are sitting.
I always ignore NW (new wife/narc wife) it makes her want to mean something to me. She doesn't matter.. I do NOT have to co parent with her.. HE does! I have to co parent with HIM. He doesn't seem to get that, and wants her and I to have a friendship. After all we fell in love with the same man - He actually said that to me. Umm No. Although I really wouldn't mind comparing notes to get the true story
Keep coming here... it sucks.. but any help we can give by telling you our experiences... you can have. I know it helped me to know that others were a bit further on this same path and were telling me where to watch my footing.
I hate them both. I have no forgiveness. I am struggling with letting go. I am filled with anger and thoughts of pay backs. That is the only thing that seems to calm me down.
I am so angry that he lied to me, that he deceived me. That he never fought for the marriage. I still blame myself for the marriage falling apart, a part of me still believes what he told me, even though my head knows he needs to paint me out to be a bitch in order to justify what he did.
I don't want the divorce.....I want the man I married back, I want the life I thought I had back.
My life feels so empty now, so void. All I have is this pit of pain, the anger and depression. I am simply going through the motions of my life.
The foundation that I built my life on is gone......I am grieving all that I lost. It's been almost 6 months now. I thought I'd be feeling some relief by now, but I am not. Still crying nearly every day. Still with this heavy weight on my soul. Feeling overwhelmed with the pain and that I can't take anymore.
I changed my phone numbers, blocked his email over a month ago. I have stopped checking on his whereabouts for the last two weeks. I feel like I am going through withdrawals. I have made a decision to no longer ask the friends we have in common, how he is doing. I kept hoping I would hear that the two of them broke up, but that's not going to happen. Or that she is a bitch and no one likes her. That his reputation is going down the toilet.
I did slip with NC. A few of my classmates had called the old house number, so I called to erase those messages and found out he bought a new couch, and that the landscape contractor had called him about the hanging baskets (that I know were her idea) and are having planters made for a veggie garden. That pissed me off because I spent the last 4 months that I lived with the pig, redesigning the gardens, the water features and I miss my garden so much. Also spent that time overseeing the remodel on the house, so I feel like I spent all that time getting the house ready for her to come in. The affair started soon after all the remodeling began. Makes me sick.........
So, my triggers now are veggie gardens, all music except classical, high heel shoes (that's all she wears), all the places I went with him - stores, restaurants and markets, movie theaters, all the charities he was involved with, banks (in particular Union bank where he works now - they have a billboard right by the exit I take to get home), Santa Barbara, the friends we had, pasta, coffee, apple pie, cook books, Ojai, the places we went on vacation, cameras, computers, iPhones, watches, couples walking hand in hand, Howard Stern, tv shows that we watched, the house I am living in now which was to be our retirement home. There are several more, but that's what comes to mind quickly.
I don't want to turn out to be one of those bitter, angry women that hates men. But I am a very angry ,bitter woman right now. I no longer trust love or believe in it.
I've just posted a question in the general forum about whether reconciliation by WS after they have left the BS for the OP is possible. Obviously it assumes that the WS has realised that the OP wasn't perfect after all! Is anyone here aware of anyone who has done this?
The only thing that helped me this year was getting out of town and going to my hometown to hang out with my family and friends.
In about 3 months, I would consider getting a PI on the OM. By then he'll be getting tired of the demands of real life and will be cruizing.
Maybe a delivery by a PI to your wife showing OM with another woman will start to wake her up.
I see some struggling badly here. I did too, but I also started to see this for what it is. The relationship between my WXW and OM is based on lies. I recently discovered that he has a history of cheating going back further than my WXW, and she herself has skeletons in her cupboard too.
They are both serial liars and cheats. They are both selfish. OM's ex-wife tells me that he is neglectful of his own kids, is arrogant and doesn't pay her the CS she is due. His kids say he is grumpy and miserable all the time. That will be because he has painted himself into a corner and because my WXW is HARD WORK.
However, he is a scumbag of the first order. A charming one sure, but a scumbag nonetheless.
So am I to believe that my WXW has left me for the love of her life - for a man that will make her happy for evermore? Eh, no.
So it rolls on for now, but I cannot believe it will end well. One or both of them will stray and it will be carnage when they do. It's not a fantasy over there. For now though, they cling to their bad choices out of shame. They have no other options. They are trapped, and if there is one thing a WS really doesn't like it being trapped.
So to those struggling - don't believe all that you see. Focus on yourself instead - their time will come.