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When A WS Leaves For Their OP

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LeftBehind08 posted 5/28/2013 22:25 PM

I hope their time will come. I really do!!

KatiesMom -- I think we have the EXACT same story, even down to the years...

Kajem posted 5/28/2013 23:04 PM

Their time does come. I know I would not want the life my XH lives. He lives on one very short leash, with the threat of her divorcing him if he doesn't do as he is told. My 2 youngest have told HIM, he is living with a bully, that he is being abused, and he should leave her. He cries to them and says he can't leave.

I think the Karma bus arrived at his house.

I used to think it would make me happy. Instead it makes me sad for him and incredibly sad for my kids to see the relationship he has with his wife. It is soo disfunctional it borders on mental issues.

I am sad for him, not my place to do anything about it... so I'll just be sad for him, in a detached thru the TV kind of way. It really is all I can muster...I think that is more than he would be able to muster if the situation were reversed.



allatsea posted 5/29/2013 06:20 AM

At the stage I'm at I really need to see some kind of recognition that she has caused total devastation to our family. She is in the land of lust and passion right now and considers that any emotional pain is entirely my own fault. She had "no choice but to find someone better".

I almost envy the folks in the R forums. I would have liked to have been part of the decision about my future

suckstobeme posted 5/29/2013 07:24 AM

She isn't gonna see that at this point, Allatsea. She just isn't. She's a selfish, self centered, cruel woman who doesn't care about anyone, including her own children, but herself.

I know the pain you are feeling and the total pissed off frustration that comes with having no choice in the future of your marriage and family. Believe me I do. It makes you want to rip your own hair out and scream bloody murder at the world.

But, once you reach the point where you truly accept that this had nothing to do with you and that it really has nothing to do with OM, you will no longer feel envious or upset that you didn't have the chance to R. She's really broken, my friend. Really. Normal, healthy people dont go around demolishing others for self gain. Normal healthy people dont compartmentalize and trivialize the feelings of the people who are closest to them in the world. They dont. Broken, fucked up people with all sorts of issues we dont even see do that.

You're having a hard time seeing that now because of the shock, so you are self blaming and buying into her bullshit. This isnt your fault! Once you realize that you will recognize that you would never have wanted to R with this sort of monster. She's a monster and her day will come. This phase where she plays happy go lucky swagger girl will end. Trust me on that. But until then, focus on you and how to heal from this mess.

Ashland13 posted 5/29/2013 07:49 AM


Perv also told me he didn't go to OW when he "officially" abandoned us.

It's been said to me and I feel that this is protection of the AP, as they've (geneerally, sorry if it's labelling) become the most VIP in WS life. It is protection of AP at all cost, and it will not matter how they were treated during the M they had with you, they will rewrite it as part of their justification.

I don't know any WS who left permanently who can face what they did in and of themselves, so we become the bi.... and bas..... because it's far easier and better to blame us than themselves.

And I've heard of some who are a few years into the A and gone from the M and family they abandoned and this is when, for some, the "true" remorse and and sorrow comes forth. The few I know, including Perv, are too busy living the high life without their "horrible" spouse and enjoying life without toe straps.

Many people believe, as do I, that it takes actual moving in and new M and papers and legal ties to the AP sometimes to show a WS what they have done.

I don't know if that will help anyone, but it helps me.

I do hear of one friend who is also a BS, with similar situation, where the ExH is crying often and doing this at their children and very interested in the BS's activities and life she has re-created for herself.

The OW is still around in that situation, but it seems, from the outside looking in, that they've created a situation they don't know how to get out of, if it makes any sense. This ExH also has tremendous pressure from OW to create a life for her that the exW has worked 20 years building...and that's what's happening with Perv and the situation he made for us.

But it seems like there are OW/OM who don't want to put in the time, who want everything quick quick qiuck? and feel very justified in helping to ruin other people's lives.

It's also taken me a while to get it in my head that my focusing on OW wasn't doing any good, as she didn't even know me-just thinks she does because of all the stuff Perv told her. Rather, my mind is better spent thinking of myself, DD and things under "my roof" because that's what I can control. If not this OW, it may have been another and another and another, for this is an exit affair where he didn't want to be alone when he left our marriage.

I don't know if that helps anyone and sorry for the long post.

katiesmom posted 5/30/2013 15:51 PM

LeftBehind08--so sorry to hear that you had to endure the same trauma. It's been a tough road and still is.

I am not sure what to do to make the pain go away, but I'm with you. I hope their time will come. I am still waiting and can't wait for the day the karma bus runs over them both!!

katiesmom posted 5/30/2013 16:06 PM

Allatsea, I have been waiting for three years for some sort of acknowledgement from my ex about the devastation he caused and what he did to me and my daughter.

I've got nothing, no apology, no acknowledgement, nothing. I realize I may never get this from him. It would mean he would have to admit he did something wrong and he's not about to do that.

And it really sucks to have your future decided for you and to have no control whatsoever. But it sounds like your wife, is very selfish and is not ever going to see any other side of it but her side. It's an admission of wrongdoing and, like my ex husband, she is never going to take responsibility for her actions.

I spend my days wanting some form of apology from my ex, but I think it's time I give up on that. It's not gonna happen.

allatsea posted 5/31/2013 01:54 AM

I've seen that many of us BS's really would benefit from acknowledgement from the WS that it really wasn't our fault or that the marriage was bad. For me, I think it's to do with trying to comprehend how they view our marriage so differently from the one I was in. My brain says that I wasn't at fault but my heart says otherwise.
This is definitely my biggest obstacle right now. Although my friends and family all agree that she is 100% in the wrong and the re-writing of marital history and blameshifting is retrospective in order to justify her behaviour, it's her I need to hear it from; The one person who I won't hear it from.

wannabenormal posted 5/31/2013 02:07 AM

AllAt - don't ever wait on that apology because it'll likely never show up. Just KNOW it really wasn't you. We can look at it from 537 angles and even though we're right, they will never ever admit it. So don't sit around waiting on that. You'll go nuts!

Kajem posted 6/1/2013 18:27 PM

If I was to speak to XH it would be my fault he HAD to have an affair.. because I wouldn't give him permission. And our marriage was just horrible.

I got an apology from XSO when DDay happened. It's just words until action follows up the words. There is no action backing up his heartfelt apology. It basically means nothing accept that he wants to feel better about his actions. " I cheated on Kajem, but I apologized so she should forgive me." It doesn't work quite like that.. well not in my book.


[This message edited by Kajem at 2:06 PM, July 8th (Monday)]

Jewlz posted 7/8/2013 12:59 PM

I'd like to hear from others on this topic...when do you stop hoping your WS will wake up and show remorse? When do you accept the reality that they are really gone and never coming back?

It's been nearly 3 months since Dday and nearly 4 months since he said he was leaving and I just want to be able to let it go and move on but I am feeling like I miss him more and more sometimes. I wish I could just remember the bad times but for some reason, I think the rejection is making me think it was so great.

Anyway, I know everyone is different and there is no set timeline but is there hope that I will get "over him"? I can't imagine it right now.

h0peless posted 7/8/2013 13:33 PM

It's been almost a year since my Dday and I still sometimes slip into hoping that she will show some sort of remorse. She never will and at this point, I think I just want the opportunity to tell her to fuck off, as sadistic as that might seem.

After a year, I am really starting to sort things out. It took quite a while to get to acceptance of the situation.

Kajem posted 7/8/2013 14:12 PM

I would love to see both X's realise they made a mistake in leaving. BUT, I don't want them back.

I know that doesn't make sense... but it is how I feel.

My friend calls it wanting to be unrejected. It is the closest thing I can say that covers how I feel.

But really at this point, my life is about me... and moving forward. While it would mean closure to a part of my past. They effectively closed that door behind them when they left and I exited that room another way which takes me on a different path.

And it is OK. I am OK. YOU will be OK TOO.



powerthroughpain posted 7/8/2013 23:12 PM

I read Women's infidelity and it was pretty enlightening. Today I decided to file for divorce, I have a ww that is deep in the fog. However, even when she gets out of it, I don't know if I would even want to be with her any more. I am in the process of giving up the hope and dream of a better relationship with her. Ultimately, that's why most of us are holding on. One thing the book said, is that most people that are cheated on and then move on have a better life and don't regret it. We are punishing ourselves by remaining with people that don't fit our standards. Would you marry them the way they are now? Nope, so what are we waiting for, some magical made for TV movie about how our spouse comes to our rescue. Fuck that. I'm taking control of my life and I know that my life will be great with or without them. My wife fucked up and I'm done paying the price of admission to her. If she wants to come back, she has to pay the price, not me. Let go of the dream, its not based in reality. I am not an option or a back up plan.

[This message edited by powerthroughpain at 11:13 PM, July 8th (Monday)]

hailstormer posted 7/8/2013 23:34 PM

JEWLZ...I am 3 years out and WS is living with the OP now and I am still not over it.
We were married almost 19 years and I miss him tremendously every day. We have kids together and I have only seen him 3 times in the 3 years because of court dates and 2 of those times HE cried to me that is the confusing part. Now when we try and talk on the phone we end up screaming at each other (never even raised our voices before all of this). I think she has a lot to do with it she is very controlling and a super bitch she actually came to "our" home in the beginning and waved her finger in my face and told me if I would have taken care of him while he was with me he wouldn't be with her now....needless to say I wasn't arrested if you know what I mean.
She comes with him now and then to PU our kids and I text her and tell her to stay away from my home...of course I call her a whore the last time she came she texted back and called me a C***. She is such a nice girl the problem I have is my kids are around her a lot and they are 13 (twins). My kids are too sweet and innocent to have to deal with such a loser and all of this crap.
There is a forum in here that asks how long it takes to get over this and a lot of the responses say 1/2 of the time you were together...Well crap that means I have 7 more years along with the 3 I have already suffered thru.
I think I am past hoping for reconciliation I just wish he would tell me how completely sorry he is for what he did to us and our kids.
Good luck to ya!

[This message edited by hailstormer at 11:36 PM, July 8th (Monday)]

PhantomLimb posted 7/14/2013 14:30 PM

It was clear from the beginning after DDay that WS wanted this to be an exit A. He thought he knew me well enough that as soon as he told me about it, I would walk away and never talk to him again. So he told me at first that she wasn't someone he would ever date even if he were single. That it wasn't a long-term thing. That she was getting emotionally attached and he wasn't at all. That they were mutually using each other. I think that was all crap to soften the blow. He probably thought, if she's going to leave anyway, no reason to tell her I'm in love with someone else. He admitted later that he WANTED me to walk out on him on DDay. That I didn't posed a major problem for him.

I knew something was wrong when he was genuinely surprised that I was willing to R... when I asked him what he would have done about her even if I had walked away, he said that he had planned to keep seeing her "to punish" himself. What?????

Three weeks later, I got DDay#2. He took the A underground. I had made it very clear that if he violated NC with her, it was over. So, at that point, I walked away. NC since (2 mos).

In our last conversation he kept telling me "I'm sorry this feels like a rejection" and "I'm not replacing you with her" (I heard that one at least 5 times). He told me he just couldn't work on the relationship with me right now because he can't lay off of the A and keeps "lying right to [my] face about it." His therapist told him his actions showed that he wasn't as confused as he claimed to me. He stepped over the one red line I gave him. In a move that might actually be somewhat generous (in a sick way) he told me he just couldn't expose me to that anymore. That I didn't deserve that. That I needed to find someone better than he is. That he's broken and he knows how much he's already "damaged" me.

The last time he handed me the "I'm not replacing you" line, I asked what he was going to do with her. He said he hadn't spoken to her in a week so "who knows now".... but then, back on the crazy train: "... maybe I'll start dating her 6 months from now, who knows." Again, WHAT?????

So I assume that they are still together. If he couldn't lay off of her when there were consequences with me, what's the stop him now except for some sense of morality he evidently never possessed.

The terms of our NC was that he couldn't speak to me until I was back from a major professional conference in July. I got back the day before yesterday. I haven't heard from him. In the meantime, our family photos are still up, but any other references to our relationship are now gone from his professional/business and FB pages. I assume it's only a matter of time until photos of his new family show up (she has a 2 year old). Probably after her divorce is settled.

I still wake up every morning in disbelief. I hate this sense of not knowing for sure, but knowing-- do you know what I mean?

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 2:33 PM, July 14th (Sunday)]

tryingagain74 posted 7/17/2013 20:41 PM

I guess that I belong here as well. I didn't realize that this thread existed. The A was a dealbreaker for me, so even though XWH wanted to R, I didn't. When he realized that he wasn't going to walk all over me anymore and get his way, his NC attempt with the OW ended immediately. I think that he was under the impression that he'd either get to cake eat or that I'd do anything to keep him, to win him back, and he'd enjoy the slave-like devotion of a Super Wife. The reality wasn't what he expected: after dumping the OW (supposedly), I kicked him to the curb anyway. So he made sure to line her up as his soft place to fall, and she fell for it hook, line, and sinker.

One month after the D was final, they got married. While I haven't really heard anything hugely negative from the kids, things aren't as sparkly as I once believed they would be. Even if they are sparkly, and the two of them end up together forever, happy as the pigs in the mud that they are, I really don't care. The thought of being with him makes the contents of my stomach roil. I like that weightless feeling of knowing that I didn't do anything wrong-- I don't have to look over my shoulder, fearing that I'll run into the ex that I treated badly. I don't have to deal with the guilt of knowing that I helped to destroy someone else's family. I don't have to worry about the secret that my children will discover some day-- they'll never hear that I cheated on their dad and broke up the family. They'll know that I never lied to them.

While I am sickened by the fact that my children have to spend time with them, I can't imagine being so needy and so dependent that I'd immediately rush into marrying someone right after my first marriage ended. It must be depressing to have to look to someone else to find any happiness or joy in life. I haven't been with anyone since my marriage ended almost two years ago, and though life isn't perfect, it's far better than it would have been if I had stayed with him. Being on my own has made me far happier than being in a marriage where I was alone in many ways.

I guess I'm just putting this out there so that those of you who are still in tremendous pain can see that your future won't always be so sad or difficult. Think of yourself as a prisoner who has recently been freed-- although the world waiting for you outside seems strange and frightening, and you're not sure what's going to happen, it's a far better alternative than the jail that you had become used to. The jail might seem "safer" to you right now, but you know that you were always watching your back and worried about getting hurt again.

(((everyone on this thread, past and present)))

movingforward13 posted 7/23/2013 17:26 PM

My WS left for his AP, however his AP was innocent as he never told her he was engaged/married with the mother of his son.

Since the truth was revealed to her, I guess she couldn't take it and doesn't seem to be with him any more. She won't even add him to her Facebook and she has over 1000 friends.
My WS is stubborn though and rather than fix his family and repair himself, he rather pine away at a girl who doesn't want him.

It is just baffling. Now we are going through a divorce, his is paying an insane amount of child support a month, and our son has a broken family at the tender age of two... All for a girl who no longer wants to be with him.

Then I come back to myself... We had been together 5 years. Was I that horrible that he cheated and refuses to come back even though his new relationship didn't work out? I firmly believe his cheating has nothing to do with me. He started cheating once he got a job paying 3.5 times more than what he normally makes. Wining and dining females instead of the mother of his first born and soon to be wife.
It isn't like he is young... He is mid 30s, time to grow up.
I am looking for this light at the end of the tunnel. I am looking for this sadness to be over. Did I really deserve this? Did I really deserve to be left taking care of our child by myself because he thought he could find better?

[This message edited by movingforward13 at 5:29 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

Blackhair posted 7/23/2013 23:54 PM

My WS is determined to marry his OP ( who is 20 years younger, married) after chatting online for three months.

He flew to Philippine to see her three times in three months time.

All his family, relatives are not talking to him any more, they all very supportive to me, call me all the time, his mom told me, just wait and see what is going to happen once she arrives in Canada and gets her paper.

I am also scared to think in the future each time when WS comes to see the kids, she will be with him, it probably drives me nuts, i guess I will just live one day at a time..... It is hard..... It will not get easy.... It will be more painful to see the damage done to the kids, it SUCKS!

rosebud1966 posted 7/25/2013 11:01 AM

guess i belong here too. my x left me for a girl half his age. and now they have a baby together. and i too wonder all the time, what was wrong with me, what does she have that i didnt. they are not married yet, but have been living together for a year and a half. i have been divorced since oct. of last year. she got pregnant before the divorce, they had been seeing each other for a year before the divorce.

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