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When A WS Leaves For Their OP

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rosebud1966 posted 7/25/2013 11:09 AM

sadly to say, i heard the im sorry for everything line. i have got to the point where i hate the word. its just a word. actions speak louder than words my friends. i dont believe for one second that he is or was sorry, ummm yea well sorry cause he got caught just saying

Monica63 posted 7/25/2013 12:08 PM

It is easy to "say" & "claim" to love someone. You first must "identify" what is meant by that claim and the definition of their meaning.

1 Corinthians 13:4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I think for "me" this pretty much sums up what "love" is.

c6284x posted 8/9/2013 16:42 PM

I unfortunately belong to this group as well. She left a few months after dday (to his house)and I have not seen her since. We have talked by phone, far too much for people who divorced with no kids.
As much as I try to take the high road the resentment is still overwhelming and I still wish bad things for them.
I wasn't perfect all the time but I thought I was a great husband, I thought no woman would give up a loyal decent man who loves her. I was wrong.
I knew this woman for twenty years and could not imagine her cheating and leaving like she did. How in hell am I ever going to trust someone else enough to make a commitment to them.
Reading these forums I realize my story is not unique, there are thousands of us on here and new stories every day in Just Found Out. I just don't know if another relationship is worth it. I may be too cynical but I think there is only a small percentage of people who take a marriage commitment seriously. If you get bored or want more excitement just move on no biggie.

[This message edited by c6284x at 10:51 PM, August 9th (Friday)]

homewrecked2011 posted 8/9/2013 17:10 PM

Reading these forums I realize my story is not unique, there are thousands of us on here and new stories every day in Just Found Out. I just don't know if another relationship is with it. I may be too cynical but I think there is only a small percentage of people who take a marriage commitment seriously. If you get bored or want more excitement just move on no biggie.

20 months out from dday and I still feel this way....

Blackhair posted 8/13/2013 20:48 PM

I totally agree with you two. I have been a great wife, supportive, bring him ever closer to his parents, all his family loves me, but one day when our twin boys are only five months old, he was bored and decided to go online and search his so called "soulmate". He has travelled to Phillipine three times, once per month since May. He wanted a divorce now! I was shocked to find out the one you loved for over 10 years can be so cruel and so cold over night! How can I move on with such a deep wound!? What happened to the world we are living in!??

Shockedman posted 8/21/2013 17:19 PM

I am so sorry for all of this pain. I too am in the club now. Together 17 years, married 10 and my sadistic, coward of a wife decided to string me along for a few months while she planned her escape. D-day 1 was 3 months ago. D-day 2 was 1 month ago. D-day 3 was today. I get a text from WW AP's wife telling me that he is leaving her for my WW. Now after months of continued lying and deception the bitch is moving on. Mind you, she was a huge cake eater for the past 3 months, proclaiming her love for me. To be fair she did not hide that she still had feelings for AP, but give me a fucking break. What a cruel joke. I have never been so disrespected ever.....and from person who was supposed to love me until we die. I wish we all had better luck, but there is someone out there for each of us. I do believe that. Just not going to try real hard to find anyone.

[This message edited by Shockedman at 5:20 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

Artemisia posted 9/5/2013 12:24 PM

I'm here. I wasn't married to my partner, which I know and acknowlege is a difference between me and many on here. We didn't have the vows, but we did have what I considered a commitment. We were planning to be married next summer, together six years. He walked out three months ago for a co-worker, although he tried to deny for some time that this was going on. I am in a lot of pain and have been deeply devastated by this.

I think about the situation we in this thread are in a lot. On the one hand, the pain is almost unbearable. That he able to be enjoying a new relationship, and setting up his new life is very upsetting for me. I miss him deeply and I feel lonely: stuck between a past I didn't understand (apparently) and a future that didn't exist. My grieving for us and him is intense. I believed in us.

On the other hand, when I read the stories in reconciliation or in divorce (some after attempting reconciliation) I wonder if we are somehow the lucky ones. We weren't given the opportunity to make things right, but possibly in the long run we have the chance to heal and move on.

It doesn't feel that way to me right now, but I'm wondering. Thanks for your support.

sleepless34 posted 9/14/2013 17:54 PM

Hi, Maybe some of you have heard my story. I have really used this board to vent and say the things I can't say anywhere else.

Just 6 weeks ago I thought I had it all and was telling my friend I have never been happier, good marriage, great kids, nice house, etc...I was happy, content, etc.

I come home from long summer vacation with the kids and my H drops the bomb that he has been having LTA for last 16 months and hasn't been happy for a really long time. It was really ugly.

He met this OW on an open marriage chat room. Apparently started as sex, then they "feel in love." He was hoping he could talk me into an open marriage arrangement so he could have us both, and maybe I could find someone else too?

The next morning, before I had even processed all of this, He ended up telling our 10 year old, not only that we may be getting divorced, but that there may be another person involved. Both kids were crying, it was a mess. I kicked him out because he was such a loose cannon and this man was not the husband I knew, like a complete stranger, and I had to get him out of there.

Over the course of the next week, I ended up finding out more and more about what happened through him and others. The extent of the betrayal and lies and lifestyle he was participating in were dicusting, in poor judgement, and just plain crazy. I was shocked, horrified and scared.

I realized I do not know this man, who acted like everything was fine and that he really loved me dearly. I was shocked, terrified and heartbroken.

I found out from OW's H, who left her because of this A too, that they were planning to tell me when I got back from vacation and they have a plan to be together, I flipped out. I thought he was confessing this A, but not trying to run off with her.

I changed the locks, and I took half the money and put it in personal account in case he was going to take it all and take off.

It got uglier and uglier. I said mean things and those mean things just gave him fuel for justifying his actions.

We made a list of agreements and a cool off period, where neither would file and neither would start a scorched earth legal campaign. He broke those agreements 2 days later and served me D papers. He said He got scared and thought I was going to run away with the kids and file for D in another state.

Now, we communicate every other day about the schedule for visitation and can't be in the same room together with the exception of at the Divorce therapist office.

I am mourning the loss of the life I thought I had, the marriage I thought I had, the man I thought he was, the future dreams I had for us, the life I wanted our kids to have, the financial security we had, the success, everything is now shattered.

I am sad, so very sad. I don't even know how this happened.

Dreamland posted 9/22/2013 18:04 PM

So sorry blackhair. Don't worry those women from that country are known to suck all the $$ from western men. Get your lawyer involved to get as much as you can from him before that gold digger gets her hands on what's yours. Also make sure she cannot send the money home and that your kids not be around her. Those women are vicious.
So so sorry

shiloe posted 11/11/2013 07:58 AM

This forum does not get much activity for obvious reasons. I would like to ask the members that have been here for a good while:

Now that your W has left, and a good amount of time has passed, how did their relationship end up with their AP?
Are they still together? Married? Do they seem happy? Do they try to be friends with you. Do they ever seem like they realized they did the wrong thing?
I am very curious how things ended up for you and your WS.

FairWind posted 11/13/2013 15:54 PM


After I found out, my ex went straight back to the other woman and has been living with her ever since. I talk to him on a regular basis (I told him to file for the divorce--his mess, his clean up--but he has been procrastinating for almost the entire year) and from what I can gather, things are "okay" but sometimes, he wants to just pick up and leave her behind and move somewhere new. I asked him if he'd talked to her about these things or if she was aware that things aren't perfectly rosy, but he says she seems completely oblivious. Last time we talked, he also said, "Sometimes, I wonder what things would have been like if I had stayed and worked things out. I wonder what my life would be like right now." He's doing the same old thing in the same old place where he's been since a teenager, but I moved across the country, got a new job, and started a new life. He sounded wistful and even envious. He also said that his girlfriend "quivers in fear" every time she sees that he and I have called or messaged each other. That girl has nothing to fear--I wouldn't enter a relationship with that guy again if my life depended on it.

Kajem posted 11/17/2013 05:44 AM

FairWind, she has everything to fear. Your just the face she's put on her fear. If he cheated on you with her, what's to stop him from cheating on her with _________?

My XH divorced me to marry ow a couple of weeks after we were final. About 6 months from DD. That was 2003, they are still together. He is not allowed to do things she does not approve for him. Her approval extends to him talking with his parents, certain children, grandchildren. He may be happy, but I would not want to live like ghat.

XSO moved ow into his house, quickly. I do not hear nor see him, and have no idea what his life is like. I assume since he told me he didn't think k it would last (XSO was 53 OWwas 26) when he said that he looked older than his age. I assume since he seems to be following the same path and timeline as XH-that he will continue on it.

My focus is on where my path is leading me.


inconnu posted 11/17/2013 07:50 AM

Now that your W has left, and a good amount of time has passed, how did their relationship end up with their AP?
Are they still together? Married? Do they seem happy? Do they try to be friends with you. Do they ever seem like they realized they did the wrong thing?

Ex left in August 2009, and I filed for divorce the same month. But then ex dragged the divorce out until April 2010. At the same time, he was living with OW, taking vacations, and buying expensive toys.

Fast forward to now - I haven't seen or spoken with ex since the summer before last. My kids are both young adults now, and whatever relationship they have with their dad is between them and their dad. I had to text ex recently about something he never followed up on from the divorce, and I got one word replies from him. So either I'm still the enemy (quite possible - both ex and OW have stalked me online before, so ex should be fully aware of my opinion of him. I'm sure it pisses him off), or OW has him on an incredibly short leash and he's not allowed to talk to me (also very possible).

Ex married OW earlier this year, and didn't tell the kids ahead of time. He told one of them after it happened, and let his child announce it to the rest of us. I was actually surprised it took as long as it did for them to get married (the affair started by the beginning of 2008 so in their world, they've been together 6+ years). DS18 tells me that "step-monster" is really insecure, and apparently she's the one who pushed to get married.

Obviously, we're not friends. And no, they haven't tried to be friends with me. A couple of years ago, I had to deal with ex in person about something and we were able to be in the same room together and have a civil conversation, so that's something. But there hasn't been any in person contact in almost 1.5 years so who knows what would happen now.

I don't know if ex is happy, and I don't really care. He's got the life he chose, and I've gone on to recreate and rebuild my life. And my life is good. Really, really good. Living well truly is the best revenge.

LeftBehind08 posted 11/29/2013 22:21 PM

Now that your W has left, and a good amount of time has passed, how did their relationship end up with their AP?
Are they still together? Married? Do they seem happy? Do they try to be friends with you. Do they ever seem like they realized they did the wrong thing?

It has been 5 years... They are married. No one tried to be friends. Too many lies. They have a huge home, toys, vacations, etc... I guess they are truly happy. They "found" one another. Just at the expense of everyone else...

I wish I could say things didn't work for them. I REALLLLLLY WISH IT.

I am still untrusting because he was my husband & I had that connection with him. What I didn't realize was love at first site can truly be blind.

Lostandpregnant posted 12/1/2013 07:19 AM

I guess I belong here, too.
Mine left me for his exgf from 20 years ago.
He's 2000 miles away, and I am here with our 3 year old and pregnant with our twins.
I have no doubt that he and she will stay together, they feed each other's need to relive the old days.

It's surreal and I can't handle it. I loved him with all of my heart..and he claimed to love me too. He was my best friend, my life.

He hasn't even glanced back, or asked how our 3 yro is, or if the pregnancy is going ok. He's completely gone.

LeftBehind08 posted 12/2/2013 19:07 PM

Dear L.A.P.

I am very sorry. Please know there are so many here to support you. Be good to yourself - get support - your babies need you.

With many ((hugs))

allatsea posted 12/4/2013 08:12 AM

I sometimes wonder if people on this thread (me included)are lucky or unlucky.

We haven't had to endure the pain of reconciliation or, worse still, false reconciliation and the bandaid was ripped clean off in one go.

However, I find that I haven't been able to confront my attacker, my life was destroyed without consultation and my kids taken from me, another man is now living with them and I don't have a say in any of it.
And whilst she is in the honeymoon phase of her new life, new house, pregnant with an illegitimate child and playing happy families with POS and my children, she is able to bury the guilt and emotions of ending a 19 year relationship and concentrate on her new life.

Meanwhile I walk around still in shock 9 months later using every penny I've got and more that I haven't got, fighting her in the court to see my children more than 4 days a month.

People who leave for their AP seem to be premeditated, possibly genuinely unhappy in their marriage and leap at the first chance of a different life. They leave behind devastation, bewilderment and blame.

I have been replaced as a husband and father and son-in-law with a lower life form

Lost15 posted 12/4/2013 21:55 PM

I belong in here also. My stbhx and his mow left their families behind without looking back. They lived in a hotel that his job was paying for for several months. Now they are living in our family home, that we were trying to sell before this started. We went to court and I was under the impression we were renting the home but he moved in instead. He pays all the bills so there wasn't much I could do. Meanwhile DS and I are living with my parents until I can get financially stable and can even afford somewhere else. At least we are 12 hours apart, otherwise I don't know if I could stand seeing them together. As others have said I am almost envious of those that have at least had a chance at R. When he left he didn't look back, I was completely blindsided. I never saw it coming. I believed in my marriage and never in a million years saw him doing something like this. He changed so fast. Marriages have problems but you talk and you work through things, every one has faults but what he has done has devastated me. This nightmare started in July and here it is December. We are still married, because he keeps dragging this out, although he would disagree and say I am. He just wants me to give up and let him go without any consequences, I have come close to it because I can't take much more. She has 4 kids that she walked away from and a husband that loves her very much. What kind of people betray the ones who truly love them and would do anything for them?! I am having more ok days than bad but every day is a struggle. Trusting any one every again is hard to even imagine. The loneliness is unbearable some days.

allatsea posted 12/5/2013 04:01 AM

Lost 15,

I know, we all know, how you feel.
We are walking around like zombies and still shell shocked from the nuclear holocaust they have dropped on us and our families.

They walk around oblivious to what they've done and resent us for being broken by their actions.

My CSTBXWW has recently stated in a court document that I took the marriage break up 'quite hard' and by inference she thinks I took it harder than I should have. I think I took it the normal amount. She thinks I should just get over it.


ruby44 posted 12/5/2013 05:28 AM

I hate being here. I hate him, I really hate the MOW. I do not understand how a human being could do this to another. I hate that my WS tells my children that he has been unhappy in our family their whole life. They are just shocked by this. We had fun, I know we did and to be the one that has to remind the kids that your whole life, dad was not unhappy he is just remembering it that way and they just can't understand that. I hate that my children only get to see their dad when he deems it convenient. I hate that he is not their daddy anymore. I really hate that he never gave me a chance. I just hate being here.

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