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When A WS Leaves For Their OP

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Lostandpregnant posted 12/5/2013 08:59 AM

I hate this for all of us.
So very much.
Hugs to all.

Lost15 posted 12/5/2013 22:02 PM


She thinks I should just get over it.

My stbxh also thinks I'm overreacting and should just get over it and move on.

ruby44 I don't understand how they can walk away from their children. stbxh also says that he was unhappy for most of our marriage. But I know this is not true.

While he remembers only the bad things, I remember only the good things.

Distraut posted 12/6/2013 14:49 PM

My XW thinks I too should be happy for her.She is delusional.
I am more fortunate than most men.I am primary custodial parent.She has our children every other weekend friday eve til sunday eve.
She has had them for six overnight visits since apr 2.She thinks that makes her mother of the year.
I recently went to court after filing a RO against her.She has no respect for boundaries.I was denied this time but the Judge made it very clear If her antics continue he will grant the order.
She brought the POSOM and POSMIL with her.It didnt bother me at the time.The next day however my DR put me on BP meds.I have chest pain and the shakes from stress I know and Im trying to let it go.I new seeing her in court would be hard but the setback in my healing was unexpected.
I however will press on I know God has someone who is not a broken cheater for me I just have to be patient and take care of my children and me.
I used to long for her to come out of the fog so we could R but the longer out I am and the stronger I become the less I see that as an option.In fact it would require a miraculous change in her and with her FOO isues I dont see it ever happening.She will press on in Unicorn fartland swimming in a sesspool of shit telling herself its lilac water.I will watch the carnage as she wakes up slowly over the years.Power and strength to all us BS's.We will heal and prevail!

AJMT4Life posted 12/7/2013 13:35 PM

I was hoping to never be in this thread, but it looks like this is where I will being staying. She hasn't officially left for him because we have to be separated for a year before we can file for a divorce and we live under the same roof for the kids. I thought she ended it with him but I snooped through her work emails and I was blown away. They are planning their future together. They email all the time, chat, have lunch, stay out all night. It's disgusting. Get this, he's married with 2 kids too! How the hell is this going to work out? Do they think they can build a relationship together after what they have done to their families?? I think they are both in the fog still (it's only been 1 month since the affair has been exposed). It's really sad how dellusional they both are. I'm fine with it, let them crash and burn. Once reality sets in, there life is going to suck!

Gomphus posted 12/8/2013 07:44 AM

I also did not know this thread fit me. In response to:

Now that your W has left, and a good amount of time has passed, how did their relationship end up with their AP?
Are they still together? Married? Do they seem happy? Do they try to be friends with you. Do they ever seem like they realized they did the wrong thing?

I have been D for almost two years and s for 3+. My DDays were 2010, I moved out in Dec. 2010 and left my XW the family home. She moved OM in about six months after. I moved out of town for six months but was able to move back thank God. I have 50/50 joint custody of our 3 kids and so have to continue a relationship with XW.

My last real interaction with XW was in the midst of the crap: the gaslighting, blameshifting, all that. She lied and was as mean as a person can be blaming me and destroying my self esteem. Immediately after I was in survival mode and fairly delirious during our interactions. We eventually settled into a pattern. She is friendly, helpful, and a good coparent and I am luckier than most. But I still suffer from 1) no apology, remorse, or even recognition that some pretty heavy shit went down and she moved her AP into my old bed/house/life, 2) she tries really hard to be friends. My current SO thinks she 'gets' something from me still and something else from OM. I have since put up stronger boundaries to minimize any benefit she may 'get' from a 'relationship' with me.

I still wish there was some justice or apology or 'karma' (there is no karma, guys) but there isn't. I am very healed compared to how I was 3 years ago but I still struggle with the coparenting, overlapping families thing. For example, my girls' big ballet performances are this weekend and XW and OM and his kid are all there and my SO. On the surface it looks like a successful coparenting/divorce, and in many ways it is, but I want to hang a big sign around their necks saying 'they're fooling you' or something.

That's the gist of me, 3 years out, and much, much better each day.

movingforward13 posted 12/8/2013 08:26 AM

Why the hell do they want to be friends? My XH thought we could do the same- I told him he blew up our family for his girlfriend. If we didn't have a child together I would never speak to him again.

Distraut posted 12/8/2013 12:02 PM

My XW believed we would be friends,buy each other groceries,and sit across the table from each other on holidays.I let her believe this fantasy.After the D she and her family are pissed at me because I told her I have no desire to be friends."Having an X as a friend is like your mom telling you your dog died but you can still play with it".At one point she even commented "some friend I turned out to be".I cant co-parent with someone who continues to hurt my children.She can parent every other weekend during visitation.Right now I cant even parallel parent with her she is trying to shove POSOM down kids throats and doing irepairable damage but only cares about herself.
I firmly believe she too gets something out of causing us pain.Im sure she is NPD.I will do all I can to protect my children.Thats all I can do with this shitty situation.At the same time Im moving on I refuse to let this weak self loathing POS ruin my life>

Abbondad posted 12/9/2013 07:10 AM

Hi, Everyone,

Some of you might have read this, but for those who haven't, please do:

Gomphus posted 12/9/2013 13:17 PM

I don't want to be a wet blanket, but I feel the need to respond to the article Abbondad posted. Abbondad, this isn't about you, it's a response I have built up reading so many similar posts and articles on SI and elsewhere. I left a longer response on the link above.

I truly believe that articles such as this only perpetuate the false hope for accountability and closure that simply do not often exist. I see these articles as doing more damage than good, in the long run. I appreciate that it is helpful to consider that not all affairs end well, but to suggest that wrongdoing ultimately is resolved is misleading, outdated, and simply obnoxious. Some people can and do 'deal with' or 'internalize' all the repercussions that come from affairs. If you tell yourself something long enough you believe it.

I am sorry if my opinion offends people or bursts anyone's bubble.

Abbondad posted 12/9/2013 20:19 PM

It doesn't offend me at all, gomphus. Your point is well taken.

shiloe posted 12/15/2013 05:02 AM

That article only applies to an OW that actually has a bit of a conscience. Most of them don't give a dam about the issues mentioned in the article, like the kids suffering, or their what other people think of them.

Yes there are people out their who just don't care because they are out for what they can get and to hell with everyone else or what they think.

Spelljean posted 12/16/2013 23:04 PM

My WH and OW are the uncaring type that can easily say "screw everyone else...we deserve happiness"

They figure "thats life", all is fair in matters of the heart, follow your heart, read self help books for Children of Divorce and all will be well, the family will have to learn to deal with us, only our opinion matters, can't ignore such a rare connection, we are in love, something keeps bringing us back together.......blah blah.

OW says the issue is ME. I am playing victim and need to stop blaming others for my unhappiness. She says I am codependent.

So...its me. I'm a victim, co-dependent and can't meet his needs.

Voila. They walk off into the sunset together. With a path of destruction in their wake. (They are oblivious to)

ProbableIceCream posted 12/27/2013 06:25 AM

I remember my XWW saying something about the OP meeting her needs, and that she deserved to have her needs met.

Fine. I needed to not be married to someone who was ACTIVELY CHEATING on me, so I filed for divorce (she was quite clear that she was not planning on stopping the affair any time soon). Win/win. We both got our needs met.

Duskpearl posted 1/2/2014 05:49 AM

Unfortunately, I am here too.

D day 3 weeks ago. H having EA with a work colleague which turned PA the MINUTE i tell him to move out (possibly a few days before he left).
He exits our door & enters hers....

To rub salt into the wounds she is very unattractive & butch. I joke that I am twice her age & half her size (my H & I are 43, OW is 30). But I know it's not about the looks & more about his selfish ego being stroked because of his low self esteem.

To think his ex of 6 years cheated on him & his father cheated on his mother for 7 years & he resents the comparison to his father. What a hypocrite.

H turned into a monster literally overnight. He's unrecognizable. I don't know who he is anymore as there is so much weird out of character behaviour (in addition to the affair). I wonder if he even knows who he is? Like most, I was the cause of all his unhappiness & he could recall only bad memories of our 12 year history together! Whatever!

MLC or dark horse - loses his mother who he adores 2 years ago, career change 1 year ago & Harley Davidson 6 mths ago.

Like most I can handle the break up, it's the rejection & betrayal that hurts so much. And me beating myself up for trusting him & questioning my judgement.

Oh & the gutless coward still denies he is having an affair! Why continue to lie now that he has moved out?

I hope the guilt kills him, but who am I kidding, what guilt.

I hope the A fizzles out as quickly as it started & they can both hang their heads in shame at work, wishful thinking maybe.

You think you know someone & they end up being a wolf in sheeps clothing. He loved me so much, or so I thought :(

Dawn58 posted 1/7/2014 10:32 AM

HI All,

Can't believe I didn't find this thread before.

My dday was 11/25/12.

I found text messages, he was sending her. He had been treating me with such disdain and disgust for a couple weeks before I found the text messages. The affair started the beginning of August.

He asked me to leave the house when I confronted him, and I did. I was in a state of shock. Found out he was having an affair and wanted me out of the house within one hour.

They got engaged in June. We have not even gone through mediation yet. She's living with him now.

I was devastated by his affair, I had no idea he was cheating. So angry about the lies and deceit. I still don't understand why he chose to kick me aside for his new toy. Doesn't make sense to me and I realize that it will never make sense to me.

I am still angry but not as full of rage as I was. Not to the point of forgiveness and I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive.

Now, I just want to move on, build a life for myself, heal my heart and learn to trust again.

kiki1 posted 1/7/2014 11:00 AM

Mine tried, but she didnt want him that much. So he moved on to ow#2

I didnt find this out until a few months ago, 2 years into false R.

I wish he had left for ow#1. It would have ended all this nonsense years ago and would not given me the option of R. Which hasnt been successful.

He really should have told me this fact before moving back home. It does make a difference to me because now, I know I'm just the back up

Its so hard to get beyond the pain of knowing your spouse cares not a whit for the pain they put you through after all the promises they broke.

velveteer posted 1/9/2014 07:24 AM

Hi all,

I've been in here before but not for a while. But I have an update.

My WXW left for OM in Sept 2011. Dday was Jan 2011 and she never broke it off - usual horror story of lies, blameshifting and what felt at the time like outright cruelty, including the hell of in-house S.

So - three years on from dday and what's happening? They are bust. I don't know why and I don't much care. I said right from the start that this would happen and it has.

Thing is, there was a time I really really wanted this to happen, but that time has passed. Don't get me wrong - I am more than happy that scumbag OM is not going to be around my kids anymore as that has not always been peachy, and I still wish him nothing but misery.

BUT - destablising WXW is NOT in my interests and God forbid he comes knocking my door again. Now I also have to wonder who will be next in line - her picker is not good, so I'm not hopeful on that score.

Nevertheless, this one can also go down with the statistics about endless failed As. My view for what its worth is that there is simply too much pressure on these relationships. In my sitch, as many others, two young families were blown apart. Blown apart by a 'relationship' based on fantasy and deceit. Ending that relationship for both means facing the reality that it was all for nothing - guilt and shame perpetuate many of these relationships way beyond their natural lives.

Now I am very clear that I would much rather be in my shoes than hers (or his). I was hurt and damaged beyond what I could have imagined (and it keeps coming) but I didn't create such destruction for nothing - that must feel desperate

movingforward13 posted 1/9/2014 11:16 AM

I expect my XH's relationship to fall to stats. By then I won't care. I will maybe laugh but I expect to be full move on into a new, HEALTHY relationship.

stuckinthetunnel posted 1/12/2014 08:16 AM

I am new to this forum, although I have been reading it for years now. In October of 2011 I caught my now ex husband in bed with the OW.
The complete devastation after that was unbelievable to me, I did not want a divorce but he was adamant (although he would not file) so after months of watching him drive around our small town with her in our truck and seeing that he was not going to stop this, I filed for the D and it was final in March of 2013.
It was horrible, I don't know how I lived through it....It ended so badly that I eventually moved myself and our 16 yr old son 5000 miles away, with his "blessing" which means he did not care.
It has been a little over 2 years since that morning I caught him and I still think about him and what he has done every day...its not as gut wrenching as it was in that first year but man...I feel like I will never get over this. We were married 17 years, I thought we would raise our grandkids together. Now I don't even know him..and what hurst the most is he doesn't even know me, nor does he care to. They are still together and that thought just tears me up ..I thought it would be over by now.

Merlin posted 1/12/2014 10:22 AM

5+ years on, (divorce final 3 yrs) 'they' are still together. They go nowhere, do nothing (lots of alcohol). I am his salary thanks to permanent alimony - he hasn't worked in over 10 years.

But they must 'love' each other. They are still together.

Our kids spend little time there. They see her as some sort of housekeeper rather than a mother.

If this is her bliss, she's welcome to it. I just wish she would let me go. Every 30 days, writing fresh, large checks to her re-opens the wound. And there is nothing to be done about it other than to endure it and get my kids on their way in life.

She's a parasite, nothing more.

How do all of you do his, month after month, year after year and have anything left of yourself, your heart and your soul?

mezmer posted 2/10/2014 12:27 PM

My WS moved the stupid ass in with him after about two months of having what was mostly an online affair with a couple playing house visits thrown in. It lasted about a week after he shacked up with the sleaze. He found out he didn't even actually like the piece of crap and packed her junk in a moving van and sent her to stay with her adult children. She moved the thing forward as quickly as she possibly could. As soon as he got her out, he realized he'd made a big mistake. We are now reconciling. He's a changed person. I'm not glad it happened. It was devastating. But he's better now than he ever was before.

Me: BW 46, M: 21 yrs.
Him: 48

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