I used to feel like that - on very bad days I sort of do a little bit. Except that 2 yrs on I can honestly now say that the good days massively outnumber the bad - and my faith in men is gradually being restored. Men such as the ones on this site who have expressed their dismay and disgust at the behaviour of my X, men who I have met on a purely platonic basis who have told me that they too are appalled by such behaviour, and most recently a very sweet friend from many years ago who got in touch when he'd heard what had happened and who now is patiently waiting for me - for as long as I want him too, he says.
It does get better. I am still angry and bitter towards him, but my feelings approach pity more regularly these days - even for her too.
[This message edited by runaway at 5:50 PM, May 8th (Tuesday)]
All these little clues yet I was still clueless. But that is what we are suppose to do...trust our spouses, right?
With all the re-writting he has done over the past 4 months he now has me looking back at our relationship and thinking...hummmmm maybe it wasn't all rosey. The only problem is now I'm not seeing his re-write, I'm seeing my own. I've only been introduced to the term Narcissist recently but it fits my STBXH like a glove.
What was I thinking?????
Yes, the hardest part of this betrayal is dealing with the rejection....boy it hurts!!
Thanks for the Susan Anderson book recommendation. I just got an Amazon delivery today with included "Not Just Friends" and "Help, I'm in Love with a Narcissist".
Also someone recommended some of the Men are from Mars Women are from Venus books. She said they have a really good one on dating and another on getting over betrayal.
I have a lot of reading to do!
I read "Uncoupling" too. It was insightful.
[This message edited by mariusa at 12:18 PM, May 10th (Thursday)]
I think a lot about R and if I could even take him back after all this??? Even though I wanted a chance at R, especially in the beginning when my world was crumbling, but now I am just not sure at this point. Some days I wonder if him leaving for her is God's way to avoid me any more pain. I know R could take years and it is HARD HARD, especially with the family connection with the A. I know in many cases it is worth it, but having this so close to my family (being my STBSIL and H) and we are all very close - we were both in my brother's and her wedding before they called it off b/c of the A and me and my WS are godparents to their child - my nephew) I just dont know if it would be possible for me and my brother and my family to get passed it - ever. If he decided to R right away, then I would be so tempted to work on our marriage and try to make it better, but I know it would be a long long road ahead, so some days I wonder if this is God's way of making it easier to move forward and avoid any additional hurt. Not sure if that sounds crazy...???
No - it doesn't sound crazy at all. To me it makes perfect sense.
So- he left for her but isn't w/her - but I feel like I paid the biggest cost in all this - and my boys.
So that's my story in a short non-soap operaish nutshell. I will come back later to read thru the thread. Sorry to meet you all here at this place, but SI has been a saving grace many a time. S
DDay - 12/14/06
The pain of rejection is hard. But the pain I feel for the loss of the wholeness of my family is worse.
It's been over 8 months and I do still have alot of anger and hate for him and what he did. Like all the others he has been blaming me, our marriage, even our kids. I'll never understand how he can go on with his life as if he has done nothing wrong. He feels fully justified with what he has done.
Right now, it sucks to be me, but one day it will catch up to him and it's gonna suck to be him.
[This message edited by wherefromhere at 8:57 PM, May 11th (Friday)]
I figured it out for him when I 'discovered' the A!
I filed for D and he moved OW in with him out-of-state ... leaving hid daughter & I abandoned ... no support ... no monetary help ... no TRUTHS ... no closure!!
Hugs - Christine -
I just do not get my WH. He has lost me. Lost the respect of so many of our friends. Lost the respect of our teen boys. Lost his dogs (they are with me). We are selling the house we designed and built. And he is whining to me about money, and how much of his paycheck goes to support kids and I while he "suffers" in a most expensive rental house he now shares with OW, and which he paid a full year of rent in advance (so he could get a 5% discount!).
Stupid is, as stupid does.
I know my life will be much better without this man. And I know we are headed for divorce on the grounds his brains have travelled too far south for me to cope with him. But still... I just can not believe this past year plus. I can not believe this was the man I loved so much... and just knew, knew KNEW I would spend the rest of my life with.
I now know it has much less to do with me, and whatever it is I did, or did not do. But still... I wish I could turn the clock back two or three years, and play over a few things. Change some decisions made.
At the moment I am pretty sure I do not want him back. Not after the disrespect of the last 6 months. From WH... and his mother and father (they divorced after the father did precisely what WH is now doing!). Still... I had no idea I was signing up for this particular roller coaster ride when I married WH.
Makes me sad. And darn it... selling the house, moving again (number 20 in twenty years of marriage), makes me plum pissed off! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
(end of vent... thanks all, I feel better!)
D day: 2006 ... he left to live with OW.
WS + OW: Married and still together (as far as I know).
I was truly devastated. If you read the 'not just friends' excerpt that was copied earlier in the thread, that's what I experienced. It took (is taking) years.
I tend to deal with pain and loss by trying to bury it and besides, folks are sick of hearing about my pain caused by the Affair and D.
I used to say, it would have been easier if he died - folks would have told me what a great guy he was and brought me casseroles.
He now lives with teh ow in her custom built house out in the countyside. I struggle to keep my house and family together.
Yanno what is so hard? I didn't know we had a bad marriage. For 15 years, I thought we were pretty lucky. We had fun, we got along great, we have a nice house, good friends, great kids. I was not a good wife, I was a GREAT wife. I didn't nag, whine or bitch. He had a lot of freedoms. I didn't wig out over his friends, some of which were women. I just calmly stated my concerns - like "Your relationship with G makes me feel uncomfortable". Now how's THAT for diplomatic? (he charmed me in his usual way, made some remark about me being the only one and I felt better).
It has been FOUR years for me and I am still not 'over it'. Like the Shirley Glass excerpt, there was no D day, no exposure, no opportunity for closure.
It bothers me that he and that home-wrecker can saunter into kid events like they've done nothing wrong. It still hurts to see them together. I've never confronted them.
It hurts to know that I didn't do ANYTHING to cause our divorce, yet I have paid the price emotionally, medically (HBP), and financially. My boys are still struggling at times.
My SO lost his wife to cancer, so he can say wonderful things about her and their M. It seems like I am not suppose to talk about my marriage in a positive way or *I want him back*.
I DON'T want him back, but I can't rewrite 15 years of marriage because HE wanted a divorce.
I see that word divorc, and it still makes me cry. I never ever wanted this. I still don't. I hate seeing him happy with her. I hate it. What was so wrong with me?
How do you guys get thru the days, months, and years?
Now that I've vented, I feel better. Praying helps too.
[This message edited by Beautiful at 4:37 PM, May 15th (Tuesday)]
A quick summary of my story:
H goes on an out-of-state business trip, as he often does. Calls me out of the blue demanding a divorce and says don't call him again. I get mad and cancel his cell phone.
May 2, 2007, H shows up at my house to pick up his stuff. Says he met the love of his life, his soul mate, on his business trip, and they're planning to get married and start a new family.
H brought OW back to our hometown. They stay as a couple at a local hotel, and H flaunts her all over town, introducing her as his fiancee.
Eventually, H brings OW to our house to introduce our kids to their "step mom". OW practially assaults me in front of the kids. What a nutcase.
Finallyl, H and OW leave state and return to OW's hometown, so she can get her D going. Did I mention she is married???
Meanwhile, H's behavior is getting crazier and crazier. He tries to steal $8,000 in company funds, and goes crazy when I catch it just in the nick of time. H wants me to sign everything I own over to him for a fraction of what it's worth. H left me here high and dry, without a dime to my name and with zero financial support.
Meanwhile, H and OW have been enjoying a nice, long early honeymoon. They're planning to get married just as soon as both of them get their divorce.
"I had no back up plan. Just freefalling till I landed" - TrainerCarrie
I used to say, it would have been easier if he died
I still say that. I have told X that. Then I would not have to deal with his shit. I would have the loss and grief, but no the feeling of rejection and abandonment.
"ex is not a good person. ow is not a good person. ex lies and cheats. He has not changed.ex and ow got exactly what they both deserve." (each other)
Meanwhile, on my real good days, I realize how lucky I am to not have to live with ex. He has made some very bad decisions in his life and I went along with them, because, well, I was his wife and I wanted him to know that I was his biggest advocate.
I was a good wife to him and if I want, I'll be a good wife to a more deserving fellow someday.
[This message edited by Beautiful at 10:32 PM, May 17th (Thursday)]