SurvivingInfidelity.com® > I Can Relate
When A WS Leaves For Their OP
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"Part of me has shut down and looks at the world and men in particular very negatively. I expect everyone to hurt me, betray me and leave me, so I don't let anyone in."
I used to feel like that - on very bad days I sort of do a little bit. Except that 2 yrs on I can honestly now say that the good days massively outnumber the bad - and my faith in men is gradually being restored. Men such as the ones on this site who have expressed their dismay and disgust at the behaviour of my X, men who I have met on a purely platonic basis who have told me that they too are appalled by such behaviour, and most recently a very sweet friend from many years ago who got in touch when he'd heard what had happened and who now is patiently waiting for me - for as long as I want him too, he says.
It does get better. I am still angry and bitter towards him, but my feelings approach pity more regularly these days - even for her too.
[This message edited by runaway at 5:50 PM, May 8th (Tuesday)]
I am here now. I thought we were reconciling....but have found they "chat" nightly and when I demanded to see it, I was turned down. After a horrible fight and an ulitmatum....the man I love with all my heart and whom I KNOW loves me...left and is with HER. Doesn't say too much for what I thought I knew. I worked at this for 6 months....and now I'm tired
I am in this pool, too. But they are "just friends" that are starting to hang out. Oh - wait - they have been hanging out for over a year!!!!!!
I belong here too.
I was given no chance. The MOW's H gave her an ultimatum and she ran. My STBXH ran right after her. Right to a hotel where they lived together for 3 months. I used to believe it was my H who seduced her but now I beleive differently. She wanted out of her marriage and what a great oppurtunity! My mom pointed out why did she run to a hotel...why didn't she run to her family. So they must have done some planning prior to being caught. Another clue was 5 days before he left, we were out having a great time and I'll never forget him saying "See we're really good together." I was like WTF???
All these little clues yet I was still clueless. But that is what we are suppose to do...trust our spouses, right?
With all the re-writting he has done over the past 4 months he now has me looking back at our relationship and thinking...hummmmm maybe it wasn't all rosey. The only problem is now I'm not seeing his re-write, I'm seeing my own. I've only been introduced to the term Narcissist recently but it fits my STBXH like a glove.
What was I thinking?????
Yes, the hardest part of this betrayal is dealing with the rejection....boy it hurts!!
Thanks for the Susan Anderson book recommendation. I just got an Amazon delivery today with included "Not Just Friends" and "Help, I'm in Love with a Narcissist".
Also someone recommended some of the Men are from Mars Women are from Venus books. She said they have a really good one on dating and another on getting over betrayal.
I have a lot of reading to do!
I read "Uncoupling" too. It was insightful.
[This message edited by mariusa at 12:18 PM, May 10th (Thursday)]
Mariusa - reading your reply feels like I am reading my own. You do start 2nd guessing yourself. It would/is be hard on me when he is with someone else but it is like a stab in the heart that he is with her. (At least that is where the arrow is pointing right now).
I just know that God is in control and that I can control myself and not what they decide to do. That gives me a little peace.
kurbanfan- I know that I will be fine on my own....I beleive there is a plan for me (all of us) but it's a bummer it has to hurt so bad to get there. Nobody knows hurt like this unless they've been there. That's why I love SI so much!
So, Yes, God is in control and we just have to try our best to plow throught this mess to fulfill whatever is in store for us for the future. I've learned a lot already!
I wanted to follow up on a book recommendation. Kristin Armstrong's (Lance Armstrong's ex-wife) has a book called Happily Ever After...surviving the first year of divorce. It is a daily devotional book and focuses A LOT about life having bigger and better plans for you (us) ahead. Even though some of you may not be going through a divorce, I wasnt when I first started reading it, but I still found it VERY helpful. On my bad days, I would read a few pages and think about what I read and felt much more at peace the rest of the day. I would recommend it for anyone in our situation, especially as an uplifting book. I am a reader and after my STBXH's A, I would read EVERYTHING I could and all the affair books, but I got to the point that I needed something positive and this book was it. One thing I read in the book that has always stuck with me, is that when she (Kristin, author) would feel her worst pain, she would picture God wrapping his glowing, warm hands around her heart and protecting her heart and shielding it from any more pain. That image stays with me on most days. Although the book is Christian based, I would think you could apply this to any higher power that you believe in.
I posted this in the double betrayal forum also, but thought I would post it here as well.
I think a lot about R and if I could even take him back after all this??? Even though I wanted a chance at R, especially in the beginning when my world was crumbling, but now I am just not sure at this point. Some days I wonder if him leaving for her is God's way to avoid me any more pain. I know R could take years and it is HARD HARD, especially with the family connection with the A. I know in many cases it is worth it, but having this so close to my family (being my STBSIL and H) and we are all very close - we were both in my brother's and her wedding before they called it off b/c of the A and me and my WS are godparents to their child - my nephew) I just dont know if it would be possible for me and my brother and my family to get passed it - ever. If he decided to R right away, then I would be so tempted to work on our marriage and try to make it better, but I know it would be a long long road ahead, so some days I wonder if this is God's way of making it easier to move forward and avoid any additional hurt. Not sure if that sounds crazy...???
No - it doesn't sound crazy at all. To me it makes perfect sense.
Hi. Thought I'd check out this thread - funny haven't seen it before. My H left last Oct. Got the ILYBINILWY speech - later learned of the A although I had suspected. They are not together anymore - she chickened out when it was her turn to leave. OW and her H are in R - my H is still at his moms. We were false R for a while - then the missing time, the attitude, the cell phone calls - all began again. Heard last week he's in another A (nothing legal here yet) - he denies, denies, denies. But...
So- he left for her but isn't w/her - but I feel like I paid the biggest cost in all this - and my boys.
So that's my story in a short non-soap operaish nutshell. I will come back later to read thru the thread. Sorry to meet you all here at this place, but SI has been a saving grace many a time. S
Well I guess I belong here too. When we first separated he claimed it was just an EA and not PA, but shortly after he moved out I found evidence that it was a PA. He still insisted that it wasn't and that he just needed to be alone and find himself. All he really wanted to find was his way to her bed. She left her H too and they are together now. I don't know if they live together or not. Our kids are 19 & 16 and they are just starting to talk to him again. They still have still a lot of pain, but inspite of it all, they love their dad. I guess that's good. He fits them into his life when it's convinient. They are catching on so they do the same. When he asks to get together with him, they agree only if they have no other plans.
The pain of rejection is hard. But the pain I feel for the loss of the wholeness of my family is worse.
It's been over 8 months and I do still have alot of anger and hate for him and what he did. Like all the others he has been blaming me, our marriage, even our kids. I'll never understand how he can go on with his life as if he has done nothing wrong. He feels fully justified with what he has done.
Right now, it sucks to be me, but one day it will catch up to him and it's gonna suck to be him.
[This message edited by wherefromhere at 8:57 PM, May 11th (Friday)]
Me, as well ... was told for a few weeks, "I'm confused .. must figure my life out ..."
I figured it out for him when I 'discovered' the A!
I filed for D and he moved OW in with him out-of-state ... leaving hid daughter & I abandoned ... no support ... no monetary help ... no TRUTHS ... no closure!!
Hugs - Christine -
UGh.... I phoned WH today... and OW answered the phone. Last time I spoke to her was when she picked up the phone in MY family home (where I grew up)... and WH was living with her, unknown to me at the time. I got chicken skin creeps in me. Her voice, just hearing her makes me not like her... and WH. All most like a PTSD reaction.
I just do not get my WH. He has lost me. Lost the respect of so many of our friends. Lost the respect of our teen boys. Lost his dogs (they are with me). We are selling the house we designed and built. And he is whining to me about money, and how much of his paycheck goes to support kids and I while he "suffers" in a most expensive rental house he now shares with OW, and which he paid a full year of rent in advance (so he could get a 5% discount!).
Stupid is, as stupid does.
I know my life will be much better without this man. And I know we are headed for divorce on the grounds his brains have travelled too far south for me to cope with him. But still... I just can not believe this past year plus. I can not believe this was the man I loved so much... and just knew, knew KNEW I would spend the rest of my life with.
I now know it has much less to do with me, and whatever it is I did, or did not do. But still... I wish I could turn the clock back two or three years, and play over a few things. Change some decisions made.
At the moment I am pretty sure I do not want him back. Not after the disrespect of the last 6 months. From WH... and his mother and father (they divorced after the father did precisely what WH is now doing!). Still... I had no idea I was signing up for this particular roller coaster ride when I married WH.
Makes me sad. And darn it... selling the house, moving again (number 20 in twenty years of marriage), makes me plum pissed off! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
(end of vent... thanks all, I feel better!)
I am glad this thread is here. When I first joined SI or when I first POSTED to SI, my H had left and filed. All I got was "I'm not happy". I was blindsided. I couldn't post on JFO and at the time, I wasn't ready to post on Sep/Div. I was so full of pain.
I was truly devastated. If you read the 'not just friends' excerpt that was copied earlier in the thread, that's what I experienced. It took (is taking) years.
I tend to deal with pain and loss by trying to bury it and besides, folks are sick of hearing about my pain caused by the Affair and D.
I used to say, it would have been easier if he died - folks would have told me what a great guy he was and brought me casseroles.
He now lives with teh ow in her custom built house out in the countyside. I struggle to keep my house and family together.
Yanno what is so hard? I didn't know we had a bad marriage. For 15 years, I thought we were pretty lucky. We had fun, we got along great, we have a nice house, good friends, great kids. I was not a good wife, I was a GREAT wife. I didn't nag, whine or bitch. He had a lot of freedoms. I didn't wig out over his friends, some of which were women. I just calmly stated my concerns - like "Your relationship with G makes me feel uncomfortable". Now how's THAT for diplomatic? (he charmed me in his usual way, made some remark about me being the only one and I felt better).
It has been FOUR years for me and I am still not 'over it'. Like the Shirley Glass excerpt, there was no D day, no exposure, no opportunity for closure.
It bothers me that he and that home-wrecker can saunter into kid events like they've done nothing wrong. It still hurts to see them together. I've never confronted them.
It hurts to know that I didn't do ANYTHING to cause our divorce, yet I have paid the price emotionally, medically (HBP), and financially. My boys are still struggling at times.
My SO lost his wife to cancer, so he can say wonderful things about her and their M. It seems like I am not suppose to talk about my marriage in a positive way or *I want him back*.
I DON'T want him back, but I can't rewrite 15 years of marriage because HE wanted a divorce.
I see that word divorc, and it still makes me cry. I never ever wanted this. I still don't. I hate seeing him happy with her. I hate it. What was so wrong with me?
How do you guys get thru the days, months, and years?
Now that I've vented, I feel better. Praying helps too.
[This message edited by Beautiful at 4:37 PM, May 15th (Tuesday)]
I've been posting in the JFO forum, but I guess I belong here as well.
A quick summary of my story:
H goes on an out-of-state business trip, as he often does. Calls me out of the blue demanding a divorce and says don't call him again. I get mad and cancel his cell phone.
May 2, 2007, H shows up at my house to pick up his stuff. Says he met the love of his life, his soul mate, on his business trip, and they're planning to get married and start a new family.
H brought OW back to our hometown. They stay as a couple at a local hotel, and H flaunts her all over town, introducing her as his fiancee.
Eventually, H brings OW to our house to introduce our kids to their "step mom". OW practially assaults me in front of the kids. What a nutcase.
Finallyl, H and OW leave state and return to OW's hometown, so she can get her D going. Did I mention she is married???
Meanwhile, H's behavior is getting crazier and crazier. He tries to steal $8,000 in company funds, and goes crazy when I catch it just in the nick of time. H wants me to sign everything I own over to him for a fraction of what it's worth. H left me here high and dry, without a dime to my name and with zero financial support.
Meanwhile, H and OW have been enjoying a nice, long early honeymoon. They're planning to get married just as soon as both of them get their divorce.
I used to say, it would have been easier if he died
I still say that. I have told X that. Then I would not have to deal with his shit. I would have the loss and grief, but no the feeling of rejection and abandonment.
dreamboat, I feel the pain of rejection too. I have to tell myself over and over:
"ex is not a good person. ow is not a good person. ex lies and cheats. He has not changed.ex and ow got exactly what they both deserve." (each other)
Meanwhile, on my real good days, I realize how lucky I am to not have to live with ex. He has made some very bad decisions in his life and I went along with them, because, well, I was his wife and I wanted him to know that I was his biggest advocate.
I was a good wife to him and if I want, I'll be a good wife to a more deserving fellow someday.
[This message edited by Beautiful at 10:32 PM, May 17th (Thursday)]
I got strung along for over six months thinking that she may want to R. She should have just told me she was living with him and we were done..It just hurts so bad..She blames everything on me too...
Guess I am here too now.
I have a lot of demons still chasing me after the divorce I didn't want.
My ex never ever admitted the A. We never had a real 'D' day. We've never had a fight, I've never confronted ow. I kept thinking he'd *get it* and come home if he felt he had a loving un-hostile environment to come home to. It didn't work.
As a result, there's been no closure for me. My friend doesn't understand that and well, says, after 4 years, I should be 'over it'. I'm not. I have more good days than bad, but no, I'm not over *it* - the trauma of the A, the D the pain (oh, the pain) and humiliation of getting divorced. Finally, seeing them together is so hurtful.
When I see them together, I cringe. I won't speak to her. I will not let either of them EVER feel that I have accepted their actions and behaviors as acceptable and by speaking to them, I feel I am doing that. Besides, what would I say?
Tell me, please that I have the right to feel this way. I don't have anyone else to discuss this with.
[This message edited by Beautiful at 3:45 PM, May 31st (Thursday)]