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When A WS Leaves For Their OP

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LookingforLove posted 1/27/2015 08:31 AM

With regards to the kids and overnight visits, the advice I have is to get your lawyer to argue about no overnight visits until at least 1 year after the divorce is final. longer if you can get it...

The kids are very young, their home/family as they know it has just been destroyed and they are very confused. Get a counselor involved if you have to but you need to make sure that your kids are protected against being exposed to the WH new lifestyle.

My L had told me not to start overnight visits on my own because once you do and then try to bring it up to the court, it's very hard to change the status quo. Your STBX can argue that he has already had them and they are fine with the changes in their life....

st9000 posted 1/31/2015 08:21 AM

There came a time, a few days after my exww asked if I would go to a marriage retreat and I said no (I had already filed and was done), that she said she cheated with her married AP (who had 2 small children) because she didn't have the confidence to leave (according to her IC) and shouldn't have asked me to go to a marriage retreat.

I don't know if it was an exit affair or not but a couple of months later she was still meeting him at the sleazy hotel and he and his wife are still married and in R doing fine (until I told her about the hotel meeting of course.

So I can only assume she's still chasing the OM who seems to have no intention of leaving his family for her crazy ass. Or she might have found someone else.

Our marriage had its problems and I take responsibility for my 50% but she never did. There were times where she said she was unhappy and needed more intimacy and we talked about it and it got better but didn't stick. I just didn't feel that close to her like she had a wall up and she felt the same way but she always told me she would never leave, that I was stuck with her, and that we would grow old together. I guess she left out the part "unless someone else comes along." I would have never left because I was committed and right before I found out about the affair I was going to IC to try and be a more emotional and intimate person. When I found out about the affair it was a deal breaker for me so I filed. During the affair outing I learned that her AP contacted her in 2009 and that she would have cheated then had she responded. She was also meeting him for lunch every day when we first started dating. She brought feelings for him into our relationship from the beginning. They are both recovered alcoholics and one of her texts to him, during the affair, said the she forgot how easy it is to be with another recovered alcoholic. She also has been diagnosed, before I knew her, with depression and cannot survive without her zoloft. She's been in therapy since she was 9. She cheated on her first husband (revenge affair). Her mom and dad both cheated on each other. This person was never going to be someone I could have been truly happy with. I wasted 7 years, and alot of money, on her. But that's my fault for not acting on the red flags early in the relationship. Thinks like sudden angry outburst, not having any friends, feeling like I had to walk on eggshells, telling me I was controlling, always had something bad to say about everyone else, etc.

I don't think she will ever come back even if she wanted to. I think she knows I would never take her back. But it still hurts.

Oh well, it is what it is. She graduated college but still unemployed and the divorce settlement is running out so she will be looking for someone to pay her way as she had never been on her own. There was always someone picking up the tab for her. I was the last one but I'm reading "no more Mr. Nice guy." This book was written about me I think and am working to fix this. I'm fixing my issues.


Kajem posted 1/31/2015 10:34 AM

North,

It's Saturday, I assume your daughters party is today. What did you decide?

I didn't have a choice in meeting either OW, the one who broke my marriage was sprung on me at kid exchange. Then STBXH pulled her from behind a stack of books to meet me in front of my kids. I said hello, didn't offer my hand, gathered up my kids and left. OW2 I met her without knowing she was blinking then SO (who was also a BS). I figured he was mentoring her... Little did I know.

I have no experience with meeting the AP on my terms. Sometimes I wish I did.

No matter what you decide, I hope you come back and let us know how the party went.

K

bdb84 posted 2/19/2015 14:47 PM

Joining in here, unfortunately.

My WH left us last month using the "I love you, but I am no longer in love with you" speech, swearing there was no one else. Two weeks ago I busted him and the OW at a hotel. Talk about a complete 360 with regard to how he treats me.

They are in a long distance relationship right now (6 hours), but he's adamant that it's going to last.

What hurts the most is being so close to giving birth to our third child, only to be cast away as if I'm disposable.

Snivel posted 2/19/2015 22:27 PM

Well, my WW, we are both 23, have been together for 8 years and married for 4, decided to leave me for a 17 year old kid still in highschool (legal age of consent in our state). She denied and denied that there was anyone else when she first told me she wanted a divorce, she gave me the same speeches I've seen time and again on this website, but I had proof enough. She had recently stopped denying her affair, continuing to blame our failing marriage on myself, etc. I've been practicing the 180 as best I can. She's full of shit, and I think somewhere down she realizes it. I have no idea how she plans on living her life when (if) we go through with a divorce. She has no higher education and was pretty much a stay at home mom for 3 years of our marriage. She's staying with her sister right now, her family mostly oblivious to how deep her A runs. So we'll see, right now it seems she's set in her ways.

NiagaraLax15 posted 3/5/2015 09:53 AM

Hi everyone! First off I just wanted to say what a great forum this is. Those of us BS can find some comfort and maybe help ourselves get answers to some of our "why" and "how" questions about our WS infidelity.

I joined only a few weeks ago but I have read through many posts and I have read EVERY post in this thread from the beginning. I have gone through many of the same struggles over the past year that others on here have. Struggles with the "whys" and "hows", anger, frustration, depression, loneliness, jealousy. Worries about my kids, starting a new life, wondering if I will ever be loved again. My focus has been on "her" or "them" for many months. I still have good and bad days, however the bad days are not as frequent as they once were. Building a new life is difficult emotionally, especially when you had NO control over the decisions that were made by others. I honestly saw none of this happening to me, but it has, and that is/was difficult to accept.

I have learned a few things about myself over the past year, some things that us WS could stand to hear and hopefully understand in time about our situations:

1. IT DOES GET BETTER WITH TIME: I don't think the sting will ever really go away, but I am doing better, it does not happen overnight.

2. INDIFFERENCE IS THE OPPOSITE OF LOVE: this is something I picked up in IC. It's tough to stop loving someone who stopped loving you! The mental movies used to kill me at times, but everytime they start now I just think "indifference" - I am learning to not care! The "180" is key here!

3. SHE/THEY ARE ON THEIR OWN PATH, I'M ON MINE: My ex and I were on the same path at one time, but now we are not. We must stay close due to the kids, but our paths are going in opposite directions. This is something that ties in with indifference. I like to feel that my "path" is the higher one!

4. STOP THE WISHFUL THINKING: I've read numerous posts about BS who are hoping for their WS to "come out of the fog" and rejoin them, sometimes years after Dday or a finalized divorce. Or those who are waiting for the "karma bus" to hit their WS and their mate. This thinking is simply foolish! All you are doing is wasting time and energy hoping for something that may NEVER happen! We want to believe that these things will happen, but in some cases, they never do. Some WS are happy with their decision to leave and have great relationships for many years. If you are indifferent to the situation, these things won't matter but don't waste your life waiting for them to happen.

5. STRENGTH: I went through quite alot over the past year, things I never thought I would have to do. I've never cried so much as an adult. But I saved myself, I practiced self-love! I always knew that there would be one person who cared, one person who would always be there...me!!! I can't believe how strong I was to go through all this, and I did it without having to resort to drugs or booze, or rushing out to find a new mate, it was all me ( and my son and IC). When things go a bit off track I remind myself of this and how I can overcome anything that comes my way, no matter how difficult! I AM STRONG!!!

6. GRATITUDE: I know things for me were/have been difficult, but I have a great family, friends who supported me, I have a roof over my head, food on the table and money in the bank. Hell, I'm even going to the Bahamas in a month with my son. Many have it much worse. I know we are all going through a rough time, but it could be worse. "Put a little gratitude in your attitude"!

I hold my head high each day (or try to anyway) and try to accept what has been given to me. I know things will continue to get better and my self image is improving and one day, much of this will not matter any longer. To all my BS out there, I hope you can find some peace and comfort in these trying times. Stay active, take care of yourselves and remember...your a great person...don't ever forget that!

SadinPA posted 3/15/2015 20:12 PM

NiagaraLax15,
Your post was so very helpful to me. THANK YOU for each and every one of your numbered points of advice. These are the exact issues I am trying to understand and accept.
I can tell you are strong and that you have made lots of progress since your d day. You are inspiring to me and your words give me hope.
I am getting stronger, but only very very slowly. Some days I feel I am still in the week or two after d-day and it has been 8 months.
I have really been struggling with how to stop loving my ex/WS, and perhaps the answer is indifference. I will try that.
But, it is hard not to want to love the parent of your children!!!! How to coparent and be happy if you don't respect or trust the coparent who continues with the OW in the affair??
Do you find that having children together makes/made it harder for you to recover?
My kids are constantly triggering painful memories for me, pressuring me to "be nice" to the WS, etc. I start to feel guilty about refusing contact with the WS.
On top of that, ex/WS wants to do things with us "as a family" that I can't handle- like go out to eat, take day trips, etc. I am just so hurt and angry that I can't imagine even being in the same room for 5 minutes, much less doing stuff together. If the ex/WS would have helped me recover by answering my questions it would be different, but she refuses to explain the affair and just sought a quick divorce. All the better to reduce her guilt!
How do you handle birthdays/holidays/school events, etc? Do you have contact and do things "together" ? Do you get together with the WS and your 9 year old for the sake of your 9 year old? If so, how long did it take you to be able to do those things without having nightmares, flashbacks, etc?
I hope you don't find my questions too personal or inappropriate. This is my first post.
Thank you.

NiagaraLax15 posted 3/15/2015 21:14 PM

SadinPA...Thank you so much for your kind words about my post! I has been one of the worst years of my life but I am starting to come out of the BS "fog" and working on making myself the best I can be.

I must admit that I am still hurt by what my ex WW did with her affair. The betrayal, lies, and the speed with which she wanted the divorce all sting, if I let that happen. I always say to myself "be the person you want to be" "be indifferent to them, they don't matter anymore"

It is tough going through this with kids as I have to see her 3-4 times a week and we call or text each day. At the start of our divorce we said we would have dinner together and spend time as a family, but there was just too much hurt, plus she was constantly texting her AP/BF every 2 or 3 minutes (i'm not making that up either). We do very little together except hockey/baseball games, but we do not sit together. Concerts at school are attended by both, but it is awkward. The past holiday season was rough but we got through it. Like I said I still have my good and bad days, today I was fighting off sadness all day. I know that what she did was horrible and despicable, I have not forgiven her, but I have also made it a point to not let those two idiots ruin my life. I'm going to be who I am and I will not let the sadness from this bring me down. I will not let the sadness take away my sweetness. I am a good person, educated, a good dad, and I know I can and will survive this and come out a better person. I wish you the best of luck and that you find peace with your former spouse and yourself in the weeks to come. Please let me know if I can be of any further assistance.

SadinPA posted 3/18/2015 16:12 PM

Dear Niagralax,
Thanks for replying. I understand why you wanted to do things as a family by couldn't and why you don't sit together at events, etc. I relate completely.
One good thing is that my ex / WS is at least willing to go to counseling to give me some answers so we might have a chance to coparent. She is willing to do this only for the kids, not for me - she doesn't care about me except as I am there to help raise the kids. I tell you this because perhaps it might help you and your ex (?)....if you pursue it, best to see a licensed psycholgist, not just a social worker.
I really don't want to live the rest of my life this way - avoiding contact with WS, being unable to sit in the same room together, etc. It is no way to live! I'm hoping to find a solution.
You sound like a really nice person, and I feel for your situation. If I find any answers, I'll let you know.

Kapooie posted 3/18/2015 16:23 PM

I usually post over in D/S.

My WH is with his AP now. I found out about this LTA in October of 2013. We tried to work on our marriage but I found out a year later that he was back seeing her again.

I'm the one that kicked him out and wanted a divorce. He didn't want to get a divorce. He wanted me to give him another chance. He went to IC to figure out why he cheats. That lasted until he realized I wasn't going to be snowed again by his bullshit. Then he went right back to her in December.

Even though I don't want him back, it still hurts to know that they are together. I want him suffering somewhere, not able to pull himself out of bed each day.

I'm so sick of all of this.

jess29 posted 3/26/2015 16:12 PM

Not only has my ex husband left me for her they both live RIGHT next door....

Kapooie posted 3/31/2015 15:07 PM

Jess29 ~ How awful for you. Did she live there the whole time? I'd be moving as FAST as I could. I cannot imagine having to deal with that. You poor thing.

Mapleleaf4ever posted 4/8/2015 19:56 PM

My xww left me for her AP. T divorced her two years later and tried to start another relationship. My xww then contacts me to tell me that she caught her AP cheating on her and she broke it off with him. She started telling me how sorry she was and started talking more and more about getting back together. I actually started to question the relationship that I was in (with a wonderful woman who is as beautiful as caring)only because the thought of keeping my family together for my daughter was always my focus. Then I discovered that my xww was actually on a dating site and had been seeing someone for a while. Will I ever learn what a toxic person she truly is???

shiloe posted 4/8/2015 20:57 PM


Sounds to me you may still have strong feelings for her. I completely understand. So from what it sounds like she is in a R with someone and is looking to cheat on him? Go NC with her.

My xww then contacts me to tell me that she caught her AP cheating on her


Ha Ha, sounds like a player got played. How’s it feel is what I would ask her.

Seriously though, she had to see that coming.

FormerArmyGuy posted 4/14/2015 17:56 PM

This is an absolutely great thread! My D-Day was on December 31 2014. I tired to make it work but WW left me back in February 'to go take care of her sick father' (who contacted me and me told me that is IS NOT what shes been doing), but now is living there to be close to OM. She left me with my 2 teen sons (16 and 14), our house and dog.

At first I felt as though I had lost everything. I had lost my complete Family and it devastated me. But seeimg what you guys write while recovering makes me see that I have lost nothing but a liar in my life. I still have the family that matters; my kids! Its hard for them to see past their own hurt right now, but I believe, in time, they will see what I was able to do to get thru my own pain and help them thru theirs.

She can offer them nothing at this point in her life, not a place to sleep or food to eat. She has not supported them at all monetarily in months and cant even offer a time they will see her next. If not for the kindess of her stepfather she would not have had a chance to see them for the 1.5 days she was able to since Valentines Day weekend (only because I took them to see her). Her AP is someone with 3 kids from 3 different women, so that gives you a very general statement about him.

This place gives me hope. It gives me a chance to see outside my own pain and thru the heartache. It gives me a chance to see that we are not the broken ones, but the strong to be able to do so much with so little of ourselves to give in all the madness and anguish.

However, I do say with no loss of pride, I cannot wait to see the will be train crash that she calls her 'new happy life'. How anyone can call their life happy with no definitive way of seeing your kids (shes currently under the impression a few phone calls and texts is mothering) or when has a happy life is entirely beyond me...

Igglepiggle posted 4/18/2015 14:24 PM

This is now me sadly.....after being in limbo for 6 months, WH living apart but recently making contact and meeting me I found out 4 days ago he was on holiday with the OW. In the last 6 months I have repeatedly asked him if he wanted to end things and move on and he has always asked me not to as 'it wasn't what he wanted'. I even told him I wanted a divorce before we started meeting again and he begged me not to do it. I asked him if he had decided that he wanted his future with the OW and he replied when have I ever said that!!!!! He also says he isn't truly happy with her and that it isn't like we were.

So here I am trying to comprehend what has driven him to this decision. I am trying to stick to the 180 but it is so hard as I never had a chance to try R. I hope he realises what he has done soon but fear this is the end of 20 years.

livinganew posted 4/23/2015 23:08 PM

Hey, Igglepiggle,

Sorry you are here.

I note in your signature that you are "filing for divotce and lost." I invite you to consider that while you may be divorcing, you will be finding yourself... Anything but lost.

Indeed, i have recovered more and more of myself as i go through this process; turns out, it was and is my WWW who was and is lost. I was only lost when attached to her!

Blessings, LA

[This message edited by livinganew at 11:10 PM, April 23rd (Thursday)]

4everfaithful posted 4/28/2015 10:37 AM

Well unfortunately it seems that most of us in this thread have found ourselves in the unlucky 2% of WS's who left for the OP. I have read through all of these posts in the last few weeks and although there are 44 pages of them, that is not a lot considering this thread started 8yrs ago, back in 2007! Unless there is a different forum on this site talking about this, that I don't know about, it seems as though there are not many of us in this situation or people just are not posting about it. It is a very painful place to be and unfortunately I have now been in it for 7mos. You can read my full story in my profile but I'll try to give you a short version. I kicked out my husband of 20yrs last Sept after finding proof of an ongoing affair with a co-worker. He went straight from our house to hers and has been there ever since with no sign or intention of leaving. It's one thing to know your marriage is over, they are throwing in the towel and not wanting to reconcile but it's another thing all together when they immediately move in with the OP and remain there. The pain is almost unbearable. I know that even if he was staying by himself or with family, they would probably still be seeing each other but the fact that he has just chosen to move in with her and remain there while we are still married is gutwrentching! It is embarrassing and disrespectful to me and his children that he has chosen to live with her right now. His is a LTA that sadly started back in about late 2000 as a friendship that first was an EA but turned into a PA in 2001 when we separated the first time. We reconciled after the first separation but both were a party to sweeping things under the rug and we did not work through the underlying issues. Unbeknownst to me, they remained "friends" over the years and never stopped talking. 2nd D-day was in 2009 when I was 5mos pregnant with our 3rd child. He went straight to her house and stayed with her that time too. He begged me to reconcile and said and did all the right things ( for a short while anyway ) but his promises soon became empty and he did not follow through with true reconciliation, not wanting to work through issues and refusing to go to counseling ( all the while again talking to her behind my back ). It just went more under the table in the next few years as they found new ways of hiding their affair. I'm sure there has been breaks here and there over the years but basically my husband has loved OW and had her on the side or waiting in the wings for over 14yrs of our 20yr marriage. I really do not see how there could even be a chance at reconciliation after that much deceit but unfortunately this time he just gave up immediately. I know a lot of you on here have expressed very much wanting to hear an apology and a show of remorse from your spouse but I am here to tell you that it is of little significance if they apologize and show remorse yet remain with the OP. It really does not mean much at that point and just leaves you feeling empty and rejected. These are some of the things I have heard from him:

" I can't blame anyone but myself"

"I hate myself for everything I do and have done. I wanted to be who you wanted me to be at one time but I am a failure because I am not and cannot be"

"I hope to save face with you through my actions forward but I cannot be that good Christian man you want, I'm not good like that"

"I know I have screwed you over but I do love you and care about you being the kids mom, you are a good mom and I'm sorry I failed you"

"I did this. I have spent years not telling you how I felt about anything important and look where I am, angry, resentful and full of bad choices."

"I am truly sorry and will work hard to salvage all I can."

"I let my anger and my needs and my weaknesses run my life and I am not a good person and you are better without me."

"I know that it is f'd up that when I didn't get what I wanted and needed that I went to get it somewhere else. That made me hate myself even more and it all crashed down on me."

"I truly wanted to be who you wanted me to be but I am not good and you deserve better."

"Hating myself is why I am here. I should have done everything different, I will do better. I am sorry and I do love you and the kids. I know I will never be the man you deserve and I am sorry for that but I will be the father they deserve."

"I do love you and I know you don't believe that but at this point the only way I can show you is by trying to give you the financial support and time that I can for you to get some things worked out. That's not enough but that's all I have to offer."

"The way I have treated you is unforgivable. I know you do not believe me but I am sorry for that. With all of the drinking and lies, I have somehow tried to justify my actions and I know that no matter what problems I have created with you in my head, they can never add up to how much I have hurt you."


I am sure he is sorry and remorseful that he has hurt me and the kids but not sorry or remorseful enough to cut it off with her. What really amazes me is that they think they can just go right into a full relationship with the OP when they have done no work on themselves or for pete's sake, ended their marriage first!! It's hard to have any respect for him at this point even though he has continued to fully support us. Honestly and sadly, I do not ever see trusting another man after this. I feel like I am destined to be alone because of that. I have said before that I think the safest people to be in a relationship with after being through this, would be people that have also been cheated on before because they truly know the pain that it brings. Unfortunately, I can see though from reading some of the stories on SI that even those who have been cheated on before, go onto have affairs in their next marriages or relationships! I cannot understand or wrap my head around that. Sorry for the long post and I am sorry for everyone who is in same situation. This is definitely a very painful and dark place to be.

Me: BW
Him: WH
3 kids: 2-DS's, 16 & 5, 1-DD, 11.
1st D-day: 2001
2nd D-day: 11/2009: False reconciliation
3rd D-day: 9/2014: left to be with OW
He will be filing for divorce at some point

EEJJ posted 4/28/2015 14:24 PM

4everfaithful,

Youve been heard. Even though its easier said then done, you must worry about you and the kids first. You are your priority.

Its hard believe me we all know, but you can and will get there. I to wondered and still at times think of "will I be alone" type thoughts, but I have gotten to a point where it dont matter. I got me. This has opened my eyes so much to the "evil" all around us and how weak some people are and can become. I keep telling myself that I will be better than that, and thats my goal.

Stay strong.

LearningToRun posted 4/28/2015 14:30 PM

Mine left denying this OP meant anything at all.

After 3 months, introduced her to my kids, by year 2 was taking family vacations ( he was still sleeping with me for the first 18 months, yeah, i was a chump - I ended it when i found out he was sleeping with us both "accidentally" ) By year 3 they married and this last weekend i got the lovely FB announcement of their 1 year anniversary.

Most days I'm "meh" but the anniversary was like a kick to the gut for some reason.

Turns out I was waiting on the karma bus to run them down. Guess i have to let go of that too.

Today i read NiagaraLax15 list with the wishful thinking. Kind of embarrassed he is doing so well with me 4 years out. Thanks for the inspiring post.

Sometimes, they make it. I think the statistics are false.

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