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User Topic: Infidelity During an Illness or Chronic Illness
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Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, August 21st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On the other hand, in my case (unless I'm deluding myself) my husband who had a diagnosis of liver cancer(but biopsy neg) and thought he was going to have to have an emergent transplant has now started to act out with OW when I'm not home. Guess it's because his cancer scare is a good excuse. NOT

Posts: 88 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Ohio
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Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, September 1st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS had an emotional affair while I was suffering from severe and chronic depression.

WS (him)--31
status--working on R
DDay--August 4, 2011
OW--stupid, skanky 25 y/o waitress he met at a bar with his friends while he swore that he was faithful

Posts: 59 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: San Antonio
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Member # 33151
DOH!  Posted: 9:12 AM, September 2nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hanecita described what I think is going on with my WH. #1) He has a chronic disease that will kill him eventually #2) He possibly has cancer (but the tumor is very small, in a hard to reach spot and it's not safe to do an open biopsy due to

As a result, I think he feels like if he is going to die, then it gives him permission to fool around. Not really an excuse.

Posts: 88 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Ohio
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Member # 30689
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, September 24th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH has parkinson's. He used this as one of his reasons for the A.
At a time when he was telling me he could not perform sexually because of the parkinsons he was out screwing some skank that he found on the internet.

I was feeling sorry for him, looking for help for him, a new dr, trying not to make him feel worse by asking for sex. and all the while he had someone on the side and didnt need me anyway.

I am just a tad bitter about it....

Today, if I am interested in sex and he is not.. I wonder if he has someone else out there. I will never again believe the sexual disfunction story. Guess we will have a rough time if it really occurs.

Unfortunately, he is not your mate right now. he has been replaced by a pod person.
~~taken from a post by Isadora~~

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Lost and looking for land
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Member # 33632
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, October 15th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband cheated on me while I was going through chemo a year ago. I hate him so much for this. We are still married, but just for the sake of my young daughter. I don't want to get a divorce or have to deal with being a single parent and all that other stuff.
I don't like him or trust him. We don't fight or anything like that, we just have a very empty marriage. I won't go for couples counselling because I would not respect any therapist that would encourage or help me stay with him. I hate that his horrible actions have scarred me for life. I just want to find peace with myself.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Oct 2011
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Member # 33169
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, October 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So Sorry bosco,
for your situation.
I was diagnosed and treated last year, (aug/sept). Get checked every 3 months. So far,
I'm good, but Wslut hit with me, well, (if you get a chance, read my profile blog).
Needless to say, I don't think the cancer was the reason she decided to have an affair, with a lame, sorry ass cop. Her affair with this guy has been long time. I just was too stupid/naive to even think for a second that this woman whom I adored was a completely different person.
Well, regardless, now she wants to buy me out, (9 months and I'm still in the house), but for hardly what the money should be.
She wants it all, a good chunk of my retirement and most of the time with my two young boys.
Horrible horrible, soulless woman.
We all know how difficult it is when faced with possible life ending issues. Then top that off with Adulterous behavior and complete selfishness, unconscionable, unremorseful abandonment and you get to where we are!
I've learned to talk each evening to GOD and pray for my boys and myself.
To take care of myself first, then the boys.
This place, these forums have helped me tremendously over the last 9 months to cope with the pain, distrust and emptiness.
GOD bless us all that have suffered at the hands of any type of disease, including that imparted by our previously trusted loved ones.

Posts: 176 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New Brunswick, New Jersey
let it be me
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Member # 29103
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, October 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yah, it bites...doesn't it?

EA started in Dec 2003, PA started in Feb 2004 with employee. Just moved to get away from my FOO where we had just filed charges against my dad for molestation of me & my sisters (when we were younger) and a recently disclosed molestation of my daughter.

My WHOLE family, including my mother who knew about it when we were kids, turned against me to take care of my MOM!
Yep, I was in the worst depression a person could face. Almost was committed by my psychologist, twice.

Had a breast cancer relapse (had lumpectomy & radiation one year prior) twice within the SIX YEARS my WH was having his A.

He would screw his AP, drive home to take me to radiation treatment, then go to work next day and screw his AP...

And I knew for the entire six years. And we fought about it while he denied, denied denied. We fought about it while he manipulated my support system (his family), my children and my previous FOO trauma to control me and keep me down. ALL WHILE I'M FIGHTING CANCER...TWICE IN THAT SIX YEAR PERIOD.
Never did get out of that depression until recently...


I know I haven't forgiven this yet...
I should.
I want to. I.....just....won't.

Me/BS/40~Him/fWH/42 Both in IC
MC put 'on hold' till my IC agrees
DD~07/19/10 R on hold till my IC agrees
BP1 DX 10/2011&Complex PTSD 7/1998
"There are no mistakes in tomorrow"

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Eastern NC
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Member # 33539
Sad  Posted: 6:53 PM, October 21st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH started cheating on me in 2007 while I was pregnant with our daughter. In Feb of 2010 he was diagnosed with stage 4 nasopharangeal cancer. 35 radiation treatments and 6 rounds of chemo later he is cancer free. I took care of EVERYTHING while he was sick,he couldnt even talk to the doctors for months, I was there at every appointment and put my whole life on hold last year to care for him. And the thanks I get is he goes back to his piddling whore. My DDay was August of this year. I guess all of my efforts were wasted. Sometimes I feel that I should have let him die.

S,beginning D

Posts: 507 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: New York
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Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, December 17th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't like how much I let all this crap still get to me. Just when I think I am doing fairly well (despite being tired, feeling old and overwhelmed) I am always reminded of his illness, his affair, being a widow and an only parent.

I try fitting in with people like at the work holiday party and I just can't contribute much because I don't want to be a downer. Plus I feel like my presence alone can be a damper. Probably my own perception or fault...

Gossip about cancer (did you hear this person has cancer, so and so thought such and such had cancer because they've lost weight), talk about infidelity, husband/wive relations, family (how tough it is to be a married parent),...

Why does everything have to be so hard? Sometimes I just want to stay away from everyone.

[This message edited by treegirls at 4:39 PM, May 12th (Saturday)]

Me 46 years old
M 13 years, together 17 years
Two girls, ages 13 and 7
WH died July 1, 2009 at age 46 from pancreatic cancer diagnosed July 2005. Affair began Nov. 2006 when cancer metastasized.

Posts: 419 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Illinois
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Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, December 23rd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband has chronic illness -- a type of arthritis that will probably render him in a wheelchair in a few decades.

This was discovered after we were married, and I took the "in sickness and in health" seriously.

9 years of me helping him through this, trying different treatments, discussions about me wheeling him around Italy when we're in our 70s -- and he leaves me for OW.

Just one more reason I will be better off without him.

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo

Posts: 3099 | Registered: Dec 2011
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Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, December 27th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't realize this thread was here.

fWH and OW/xBFF had already about about a year into their "love fest" when I became pregnant with our 4th daughter. Obviously I didn't know about the A.

At about 4 months pregnant it was discovered I had a hole in my heart and I had H1N1.

I was put on bedrest for the remainder of the pregnancy. I had noticed that xBFF had been treating me fairly rotten, had no idea it was because I had interrupted her alone time with my H now that I couldn't go to work every night.

She even told one of her co-workers I was "faking" my illness so I could keep him trapt. Yeah, I'm THAT good, I was able to fake a hole in my heart and a lung infection that made it so I couldn't walk up and down the stairs.

But this illness wasn't enough to stop the A. Neither was the c-section that kept me in the hospital an extra 5 days due to loss of blood and complications. The A contiued until the baby was 5 weeks old and te co-worker outed them.

I just cannot understand how I met two of the cruelest people alive.

BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2009 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
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Member # 32299
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, December 28th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had severe eye trouble and was told I might go blind. He was not sympathetic and said that watching me was 'like watching the last days of Elvis'. What? He started the affair around this time. I guess she gave him the attention that a sick and worried spouse can't give. Selfish bastard.

WH 50's
BW 50's
DDay July 2009
3 year EA/PA
2 kids at home

Posts: 235 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Canada
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Member # 33977
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, December 29th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was very ill about 10 years ago with what was finally, after a million tests, DX'ed as a severe B-12 deficiency, which caused neurological, muscular, & other deficits, & eventually a seizure disorder. He only told me a few weeks ago, how "stressed out" he was during that time, worried about me. In this same conversation is one in which he was attempting to excuse his reason for an affair.

He now finds himself with prostate cancer, due for surgery in a few days. I could never in a million years try to excuse an affair because of illness! Guess who the someone is who will be taking care of him after the surgery? Me. That's because I took my vows seriously. You know, the "in sickness & in health" part. And honestly? If he weren't sick now, I doubt I'd even let him be here. Then again, if he weren't sick, he may have left on his own.

Me: 60
Him: 54
Her: 50, married
D-Day 12-6-11
Not sure what is going to happen now.

Posts: 97 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Down South
Grace and Flowers
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Member # 34431
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, January 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Duped Again" I am WITH you on your second paragraph! My husband also completely failed that vow. I've been I'll for over 5 years, and it will never be gone, although I have FINALLY found decent management strategies.

One of my WHs emails to the OW said how happy he was that she had a "life" and outside interests. Hello? I'd love to have had more of a life and not be stuck at home, unable to work.

When I was trying to cope with dealing with my autistic son, years ago when he was very young, I didn't know what to do and couldn't handle it. We were getting all kinds of help for him. But I went and got help for ME. I went to our social worker and said "Help me! I need to learn how to do this better"! I got some wonderful help, that helps me to this day. I didn't turn away because life was tough.

I'm Happy, not Sad!

Posts: 1113 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: US
let it be me
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Member # 29103
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, February 2nd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((npain))) – You did what was right for YOU. The worst thing I have done in my relationship with my WH is choose to believe the manipulation and make unhealthy choices that then affirmed those lies I chose to believe from him, that I wasn’t worth it... Good For YOU for doing the right thing. You can still hold your head high and believe in YOUR worth!

(((treegirls))) – I empathize with your wanting to just crawl under a rock and hide from the world... It is your pain and depression speaking. DON’T let it win. You are worth it. YOU ARE WORTH IT! Don’t try and fit in. Shine your own light! You have inner strength. You are still in the game. Find some outside support. Do something, even if it something small, for yourself every day. Check in here and update US... Know someone cares and is listening...

(((phmh))) – Yes, yes you ARE better off without him. His choice is NOT a reflection of you. It is a reflection of his character... No matter how much you gave, he would just keep hovering it up without a smidge of appreciation or recognition. Keep recognizing who you are! Keep affirming yourself! I, for one, respect your commitment and integrity in fulfilling your promise...

(((Myheartstillhurt))) – Wow! How are you doing now? How’s the new baby? I was moved to let you know how much I admire you taking care of yourself and focusing on being the "mom and soon-to-be-mom" that you needed to be for your girls... How is your health now?

(((oldandtiredout))) – First, do NOT think for one minute that you being a sick and worried spouse had an inkling of responsibility for your WH’s choices! It isn’t about what she could give him that you couldn’t/wouldn’t/shouldn’t...your WH has his own issues that are not related to you... It is just plain fact. Second, HOW are you doing? Is your condition resolved? Do you still have your sight? I hope you have found the support you need and deserve...

(((DupedAgain))) – I definitely empathize with you over the B-12 deficiency. I, too, have pernicious anemia as well as some weird arthritis condition called ankylosing spondylitis and degenerative disc disease which is causing damage to my joints. So much damage to my neck that at age 38 I had to have my spine fused from C3 to C7... I have not developed the seizure disorder however; that must be difficult to not feel in control of your own body. I understand on the doubt of where you would be "if"...? Try not to focus on "if" and focus on "what is"... If you can love "what is" then great... but if not, well then maybe you need to look at your motives for staying. You can still support WS without being in a marriage with him... Prayers out to you for wisdom...

(((SadMad2012))) – I always have so much respect for parents that put their children BEFORE their own wants!!! Your affirmation does not need to come from your WH. I know how difficult it can be to ask for help and you did it and became who your child needed you to be. What a fabulous gift of true love you have given him. Focus on that! Focus on what a blessing you have been for your son and the strength it took for you to do that through your WH's crap...

To all, I know this is weird, but I was reading my old posts to see where I have been and where I am now; and while reading this post of mine and the ones that came after, I had a call from the Spirit to respond to people here on this board. You might never come back to it again but I am sending out these positive thoughts to you and hope they reach you...

May we all find our hearts fill with gratitude and seek out the blessings in our lives...

let it be.....

Me/BS/40~Him/fWH/42 Both in IC
MC put 'on hold' till my IC agrees
DD~07/19/10 R on hold till my IC agrees
BP1 DX 10/2011&Complex PTSD 7/1998
"There are no mistakes in tomorrow"

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Eastern NC
Grace and Flowers
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Member # 34431
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, February 5th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LIBM...I came back! Thank you for re-posting. I'm so lost right now that I can't even compose new messages, and I feel so utterly alone, tired, and hopeless. So it was nice to see your message.

Ironically, that same autistic son had a biopsy on Thursday to look for bone cancer (he has some kind of tumor in his tibia). WH left to go to an extended stay hotel just before the surgery, and has "checked in" a few times...leaving me to deal with helping DS in the aftermath. Same ol', same ol'.

I'm Happy, not Sad!

Posts: 1113 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: US
let it be me
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Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, February 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((SadMad))) - it seems like it just piles on, doesn't it; however, it is just one more obstacle for us to overcome. Sending Prayers your way for strength to be who your son needs you to be, whatever the outcome.

Do you have a support system in your life? You might consider seeking out a local group of other families that are dealing with some of your same issues...
And find a trusted, safe person that will allow you some "you time"... Some time for you to refresh and replenish your heart, mind and soul... Keep us updated on your son...
Have a blessed day!

Me/BS/40~Him/fWH/42 Both in IC
MC put 'on hold' till my IC agrees
DD~07/19/10 R on hold till my IC agrees
BP1 DX 10/2011&Complex PTSD 7/1998
"There are no mistakes in tomorrow"

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Eastern NC
Grace and Flowers
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Member # 34431
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, February 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, LIBM...I do have support, on the phone and Internet. Unfortunately, I became very isolated socially due to my illness and the fact that I couldn't work. I'd sooooo like to get back to working, but I'm finding it hard to even get an interview!

I'm just gonna take care of my son and take deep breaths....I know I'll get there!! Xoxo

I'm Happy, not Sad!

Posts: 1113 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: US
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Member # 34793
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, February 16th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I started experiencing symptoms of what I now know was cushings disease shortly after my son was born in jan 07. My husband and i went through hell while docs tested and treated me for anything they could think of or make up on the spot....nothing worked. Finally i was given hope when a great endocrinologist came into my life, two days later i found out about my husbands two month EA.....

BS (me)29
Former WH 31
Married soon to be 9 years
1 perfect 5 year old son
In R now for 2 and a half years
DDAY Aug 13, 2009

Posts: 20 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Kentucky
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Member # 32046
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, May 8th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H is suffering from heart disease and I am so tired! Anyone out there in R with a sick spouse? It would be nice to have someone who understands how I feel. I am still young and I feel like I am married to this person who is sucking the youth out of me! Gah!

Me 45
FWH 47
DS11, DD18, DS21(they know nothing about A)
Married 23 years together 25
Dday 09/24/2010
"You can't control how others behave, you can only control your reaction."

Posts: 974 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Indiana
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