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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Infidelity During an Illness or Chronic Illness
mostofit
New Member
Member # 16890
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, November 5th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've had a variety of problems since early on in our marriage. Most of them are diabetes-related (I am a juvenile diabetic). I am having trouble with my legs and with arthritis now. WH has always used my illness as an excuse to have As. He has said that I do not "try hard enough" to work through the pain and sickness to attend to his needs and desires.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Indiana
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, November 13th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure we qualify here, but: my H had his affair during the depression that his father's significant illness caused. He is a control freak, always has to "be in charge", and thus was in charge of a lot of his father's care/doctor's visits/decisions. He closed up to me, wouldn't talk, spent most of the time after work going to see his dad - first at home, then the hospital, then the rehab/nursing home. He was always angry, nitpicking, starting arguments as soon as he got home. I was doing it all - housework, working fulltime, taking care of the kids, paying the bills - so he could be there for his dad. Our sex life dwindled to a halt. On DDay I was finally able to break through to him. In the days after, I bought a book on depression; he was more than willing to read it, and was shocked to see himself in it's pages. He came out of the fog pretty quickly.

Now, he has just been diagnosed with a very large tumor on his right kidney and a spot on his right lung. We have a second opinion appointment in Philadelphia on Monday, and I'm hoping surgery very quickly after that. He's been saying that he thinks his illness is karma for his cheating on me. I'm terrified. We really are doing well in R, but now, the fact that I could lose him permanantly scares the s**t out of me. We still have to deal with the OW who won't admit that her unborn baby is her boyfriends and not my H's. They still work together, and I know she'll use his illness to try to "kill him with kindness". I was in fear all last week that she'd show up at the hospital. I just keep waiting for it to get worse.


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
treegirls
♀ Member
Member # 17330
Shocked  Posted: 9:48 PM, December 9th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My story is a twist on most those I've read here. My husband that is dying from pancreatic cancer had an at least 4 month emotional affair. I really can't understand how he even had the energy as I've been so tired through all of this. Anyway, I am so very devastated still after nine months. Please read my story for a few more details. If there is anyone out there in a similar situation I would love to hear from you. Pieces of my broken heart go out to all of you that have had infidelity inflicted upon them.


Me 46 years old
M 13 years, together 17 years
Two girls, ages 13 and 7
WH died July 1, 2009 at age 46 from pancreatic cancer diagnosed July 2005. Affair began Nov. 2006 when cancer metastasized.

Posts: 419 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Illinois
VanillaStorm
♀ Member
Member # 15450
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, December 9th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And to think i was feeling all alone...this thread suits us to a T...started 20 yrs ago with a work related injury,1987) although i worked another 12 yrs...i re-injured myself an additional 5 times doing the same job, i met my "H" when we were both employed by the same company, while dating, he learned ALL ABOUT my health issues DUE to the job, in fact the last injury i suffered during work happened while we were dating, so he experienced it first hand with me..fast forward to 05 when he CHOSE to have an "A"..while i was practically bedridden suffering from the dehabilitating injuries that had occurred earlier in our relationship...his so called explanantion for his affair? because i was HURTING all the time and wrapped up in my own pain...he felt i wasn't THERE for him...oh yea..all the while i've got a house to tend to..2 small children, extended family members ( 1 sister, 1 aunt, 1 cousin, 1 sister in law) all diagnosed with some form or another of BREAST CANCER...and he boo-hooed because i wasn't paying HIM enough attention...all the while he worked his job, and STRAYED...UGH Makes me sick to think about this again!


VaNillaStorm

" I am who i am...with or without You!" ~Me~


"Unless you truly love yourself, You'll never love another" ~Me~


Posts: 585 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Ohio
TeatimeAlice
♀ Member
Member # 17414
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was pregnant when the OW my supposed friend started circling and she used that as a card....to divert my attention and to "sympathize" with my husband....accused me of being "paranoid" as I was having trouble picking a doctor....called my pregnancy "difficult" and bought me "guilt gifts" before, during, and after the A.....told my husband "poor baby" when he had a new baby who was awake at night...came to the hospital and stayed the night when I was in ICU because my uterus ruptured but was actually there to make points with my husband giving him hugs and trying to get his attention....it worked three weeks post partum he screwed her brains out....to "save her life"...never mind I REALLY did almost die...the doctor didn't know if I had already bled out completely into my stomach cavity and I had an emergency hysterectomy...and went home and ran a home complete with toddlers on an iron level of 7.....I cooked him breakfast and sent him out both mornings he screwed her....I folded his laundry and bathed and nursed his baby as he had INTENSE sex with her.......pray for me...our one year d-day is tomorrow and I am falling apart....in such grief and sorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Divorce will be final around the time we should be celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary. Pray please I was a faithful loving wife and now my heart is forever crushed because my husband chose his sexual addictions over repairing our marriage. I

Posts: 348 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: in Wonderland....wondering how/why this happened!
amye
♀ New Member
Member # 17659
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, what a relief to see this topic on here. Especially for those of us who are sick. However, with that said I will also say that I was the one who had the affair. Chronic illness is hard on a marriage and I am sure that all of you who are sick have come to a place where you thought that your spouse didn't care. I thought I was going to die and he told me he didn't care. I know in my heart that regardless of his compassion for me, I still had no right to cheat and it really only made things worse for me and my kids. I have been sick since I was 10 years old and he married me anyway but when things got worse I needed support and he was not there, I found a way to take my mind off the sickness. I found a person who didn't know anything about my affliction and didn't judge me for it. I thought that it wouldn't hurt anyone as long as he didn't find out. I was so wrong, in addition to hurting the man that loves me so much I hurt myself and my children. I am so sorry to all of you who are sick, I understand and I am so sorry that I decieved my husband.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Illinois
hollow-promise
♀ Member
Member # 16905
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, February 23rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After I had a "small" stroke in Feb 2004 my "in sickness and in health" husband felt overwhelmed by my illness. He felt he needed to confide in a woman he met while servicing his accounts. She was there to listen to him whine about how bad he felt about my illness, and he didn't know how to help me, blah, blah, blah.

She helped him by offering him sex and suggested he should leave me because he deserved better than a old sick wife. He continued to have contact with her for 3 years, and I am now just starting to get healthy again, in 2008. It's amazing what people can tell themselves to justify what they do to the people they love.

He knows now that you can't be friends with OW EVER. He has learned to communicate with me about his fears and concerns. I still feel nervous about what might happen if my health takes a turn for the worst. He insists he will be there for me and will not go to someone else for comfort or support. I pray he is telling me the truth. It's difficult to deal with infidelity when you are healthy; nearly impossible when you are ill.


Me-BS 59
Him-WS 55
MOW-49 borderline personality nightmare
D-Day 3/21/07, my daughter's birthday
Married 9 years-working on R after 5 months of partial truths

Posts: 149 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Midwest
crumbled cookie
♀ Member
Member # 9715
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, February 28th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I am between being in the dark thread and this thread.

Suspected illness for a few years has just been confirmed as a primary illness.

I know WS is cheating, just can't get the hard evidence. I know Ws is cheating during my illness.

Is there a thread for BS that are in the dark with an illness during the discovery phase? LOL

CC:


Posts: 1133 | Registered: Feb 2006
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 1:09 AM, February 29th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last I found out that i had a cyst on my ovary, this was in June. I also found out that I had massive scar tissue during the surgery to remove it, which was in August. Then in July I found out that I had diabetes. The doctor couldn't fix the scar tissue. At my last post op appointment I found out that my uterus had become enlarged. So in December I had a hysterectomy.

My idiot husband was addicted to porn long before any of this. During this past year things got even worse and he went to the "real thing" because having sex was painful for me and he just couldn't live without it. I hadn't been snooping too much last year because I was preoccupied with my own problems, just couldn't deal with his. My doctor at one point thought I might have ovarian cancer but luckily I didn't.

My husband used to be in construction and he often does side jobs and gets paid cash so I never really know how much he makes. I would sometimes ask and he would tell me that it wasn't any of my business. So I began to think he was hiding money for videos or something. I used to snoop in his wallet and decided to check in it. I never found anything and didn’t think that I would this time. OMG was I shocked when I found a list of nicknames with phone numbers. There was at least 6 or more. So I Googled the numbers and they were escorts. I confronted him and he told me that this is what I get for not “putting out”. He says that he never went to them just wanted to check into it. He had the numbers for about eight months. I had to fight this info out of him. I still think he really went to see them. Just that gut thing. I later found out through snooping that he is chatting with women online. This all happened in December, two weeks before my surgery.



I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
queneanth
♀ Member
Member # 15816
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi

I have been a member here for almost a year. I found out I had HepC about 4 years ago. Most likely through blood transfusion in '89, after birth of my last child. I would like to hear from other SI members fighting this illness. It is ok to PM me.


"The hardest thing in life to learn, is which bridge to cross and which bridge to burn."

Posts: 560 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: in between
unaware
♀ Member
Member # 20351
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello to everyone in this forum...i am relatively new to this site and am grateful to read posts of others who have gone through a similar situation to my own. I am a very accomplished, wonderful person who has suffered from anxiety/depression since I was a child. I dated my now WH for 4yrs before we were married for 5, and made sure that he understood everything...and I mean everything...about me before I allowed him to even consider spending the rest of his life with me. I always believed that honesty and openness is the answer to life's struggles. He was "seemingly" a constant source of love and reassurance. He would tell me that his life goal is to "help me love myself as much as he does" - though behind my back was having the A. I've had many ups and downs through our time together...and at the lowest times, I would always address him and open the door with "I'm sorry you have to deal with this with me. I know this can't be easy on you. Thank you for loving me. Please know that I understand that you also have needs...All I ask is that if you ever reach a point where you feel the need to reach out physically or emotionally to someone ELSE...please be open with me. You are only human and I'll understand. We can address our needs together professionally (i am also in IC separately), and if no solution seems possible, I won't keep you trapped in an unhappy life. Just don't go do something behind my back that I have to find out about later."

All he would ever do is agree and change the subject. And here we are. 7 weeks since Dday and he still hasn't admitted a thing to me and has lied through MC about the OW. (see my signature below). I have filed for divorce as I cannot grasp living with a man who has gone to such lengths to protect his image at my expense. I am hurt beyond belief...although I am empowered by the 180...and that has helped me move forward. It is what it is, but how could he do this?? After I acknowledged it all? FOR HIM? Anyway, just venting. I'm doing well considering it all. Just felt like putting it out there for someone to hear that wouldn't judge. I work for a school and go back in a few weeks. This has all happened over the summer and almost everyone I work with was at our wedding. I will have to relive it all when I deal with their shock. I do not take responsibility for his A, but the pain and humiliation are deep. Just needed to vent. Thanks for this thread.


Me: BW - 35
Him: WH - 32

6-1-08 WH unexpectedly proposed divorce to seek "his own thing".
DDay 2 wks later (unbeknownst to WH)
WH still lying through MC. No acknowledgment - No signs of remorse
7-29-08 - I cancelled MC and Filed


Posts: 98 | Registered: Jul 2008
emeraldisle
♀ Member
Member # 20480
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cancer.

The thing that makes me so mad is, having cancer requires you to be strong. It requires you to be strong even when you are very scared, and when your body is weak.

It's not easy on the spouse, of course. But I can't get over how WEAK I feel he is to cheat on my while I'm going through cancer and 3 surgeries. So what if he had to do more of the day to day care of our daughter? WTF does he think I do every single day of my life? So what if he was scared he was going to lose me...did he not consider that I cried every night thinking I might not see my little girl grow up? So what if he had to go without sex for 4 months...(although who knows if he did or not)...I had to go without it, too...ALL THE WHILE HAVING MEDICAL STUFF DONE TO ME, all the while having it hurt to even urinate, and he can't even go without sex for a few months of his life while his "partner" goes through the most difficult (until now) trial of her life????

I'm just completely disgusted that he's not the man I thought he was. Ick.


Me: BW, married 14yrs
D-Day 04/2008; 07/2008; 10/2008; 03/2010 & 08/2010
DIVORCED, and moving forward

Posts: 1016 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Texas
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow can I relate. I got cancer from my H A. He gave me HPV which lead to the cancer ad I haed diabetes. high blood pressure, fibriods and a brain condition.

Sad thing is my H was crying to OW about losing me!

I will never understand the sick twisted relationship they had.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
trying2work
♀ New Member
Member # 16957
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for this thread. I have been here a few times during the beginning of H affair. I have parkinsons and my h was very supportive when I found out about parkinson, but 1 yr later he had an affair with co worker. I was devastated.. Its been almost 2 yrs now and we are in R. I wonder sometimes if I made the right decision by taking him back. I don't know if he will stand by me when or if this disease gets worse. We have been married 7 yrs and he left me 3yrs into marriage because he was unhappy I dont think there was ow then. We got back together then around 3 yrs later he leaves me again this time having an affair. Do you think I'm crazy for trying this again? I wonder sometimes. I have just went through all the triggers and I don't know how I really feel about him..He has been good so far but I worry about the future..Does anyone else have these feelings? Do you ever get that trust back?

Posts: 12 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: alabama
nothereorthere
♀ Member
Member # 20530
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H had an affair when the doctors thought I might have cancer & needed a hysterectomy & my Father was in the hospital & possibly dieing. My H said part of why he had the A was because it bothered him that I wasn't keeping the house as clean as I usually did & not giving him as much attention while all this was going on. How selfish! Where was HE while I needed him?! I was there for him when his back went out & his Dad was in the hospital with open heart surgery & so much more!! Well......right after I found proof he was cheating I had to get a hysterectomy & my Dad passed on. There are times I still can't get over the time wasted I could have spent with my Dad before he died. I was so broken up over my H's affair that I couldn't hold it together & didn't want my Dad to see me that way while he was dieing. That felt good to say, thanks for listening.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was here in the beginning of this thread, but not for a while.

The whole John Edwards thing brought it all back full force. I was recovering from life-changing surgery, afterward suffering from a deep depression and totally unaware what was going on in my family.... He waited a whole 4 months post-surgery for me to be "better" enough to have sex. When it was difficult, painful... think he was understanding? Hell no, gave up and told me he was never going to "pester" me for sex again. A month later he was with the first prostitute, even though I made extreme efforts to get him back into our bed.

I did everything I was supposed to do, followed up with the surgeon, called family physician, sought help for the depression. and although he "noticed" the efforts I was making, he used excuse after excuse now to AVOID having sex with me because he "couldn't go back on his word" and apologize, said he had too much pride to swallow his words. He'd made a decision and he was sticking with it no matter what changed.

And although he says he felt "awful" after having done it, he continued for 7 years, slowly but surely convincing himself that it was ME who didn't want sex.

Of course there was the whole "things have changed and I can't deal" issue too with my surgery.

And although I want to, I can't tell him how vile I think Edwards was to abandon his wife during this crisis.

It's one element of the affairs that I don't think I can ever forgive.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
vengefulbiatch
♀ Member
Member # 20473
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like some others can relate to to many in this forum .

My WH explained that he was "sick and tired of me being sick and tired".

I have heard this over and over I try not to even say anything about being sick or hurting to him anymore b/c it is always the same answer

your always sick,you always hurt.your always tired
Well let me give you a quick run down and I know it may make me seem like I hypocondriac but I'm not all these are documented in my medical records...

My list of illnesses and I am only 31yrs old be 32 next month
(Had a nevous breakdown at the age of 19)

Bipolar Disorder
Insomnia
Fibromyalgia
High Blood Pressure
Diabetes
High Cholesterol
Hypothyroidism
Early Menopause (no hysto)
Early Onset Glaucoma
Migranes
Social Anxiety
Irregular Heartbeat
Early Osteoperosis
Degenerative Disk Disease
Carpel Tunnel

I had a heart attack at age 26 (stress related) During H's 1st A

I have had 4 knee surgeries,laser surgery on both eyes,my tonsils out,my appendix out,had my ovaries scraped for endometrosis.

And to top it all of today was told I have sleep apneia

Most of these things alone are nothing its the combination of them that makes it so bad .

Dear Lord looking at this list written out like this it's no wonder my WH has had so many affairs....


"I Never Dreamed Home Would End Up Where I Don't Belong...I'm Moving On"
Me 37 BW
Him 37 WH
Divorced 2010... Tried to reconcile in 2011 currently separated

Posts: 246 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Alabama
InLikeFlynn
♂ Member
Member # 18987
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, August 18th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My situation was a spinal injury that left my left side partial paralized. I walk with a pronounced limp with numbness in my thigh, hip and left foot. I get by though. The big problem is that in 2007 I started to have ED problems due to the nerve damage. My current wife who has a high sex drive,eventually had a PA from Oct 2007 till I caught her in Jan 2008. She is very remorseful and has done everything I have asked but my self esteem is shot and have been seeing a doctor for depression since 2007. My whole story is long and complex between my first wife and current but my profile has the short version. I actually have a good relationship with my 1st wife, she is 4 years older and in (2000) had I guess a MLC. The yellow pill has helped but the meds I take Cymbalta and lyrica actually shut done the nerves..so they battle the levitra!!!

[This message edited by InLikeFlynn at 10:56 AM, August 18th (Monday)]


Posts: 831 | Registered: Apr 2008
MinorBee
♀ Member
Member # 17895
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, October 1st (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like some others can relate to to many in this forum.

My WH explained that he was "sick and tired of me being sick and tired".
I have heard this over and over I try not to even say anything about being sick or hurting to him anymore b/c it is always the same answer

your always sick, you always hurt, your always tired
Well let me give you a quick run down and I know it may make me seem like I hypocondriac but I'm not all these are documented in my medical records...
My list of illnesses and I am only 31yrs old be 32 next month
(Had a nevous breakdown at the age of 19)

Bipolar Disorder
Insomnia
Fibromyalgia
High Blood Pressure
Diabetes
High Cholesterol
Hypothyroidism
Early Menopause (no hysto)
Early Onset Glaucoma
Migranes
Social Anxiety
Irregular Heartbeat
Early Osteoperosis
Degenerative Disk Disease
Carpel Tunnel
I had a heart attack at age 26 (stress related) During H's 1st A

I have had 4 knee surgeries, laser surgery on both eyes, my tonsils out, my appendix out, had my ovaries scraped for endometrosis.

And to top it all of today was told I have sleep apnea.

vengefulbiatch:

I have sleep apnea too. If you get effective treatment for it and commit to using it (learning to sleep with a CPAP machine can be a pain at first), it will help with the Insomnia, High Blood Pressure, Diabetes, High Cholesterol, Migraines and the Irregular Heartbeat. Some health studies even suggest that undiagnosed/untreated sleep apnea can cause some of these conditions. Get treatment if you can, it can change your life, it changed mine.


Ex-Husband: diagnosed NPD: porn, hookers, swapping, swinging, EA's, PA's...if it's humanly possible he's probably done it at least once
married: 20 years, finally divorced after 5 years
DDays: which time?, OW's which one?

Posts: 437 | Registered: Jan 2008
gettingskinny
♀ Member
Member # 23380
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, March 31st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH has a chronic illness. I believe he is thinking about his mortality and this had at least a small part in his A.


He is a cake eating, fence sitter and I am just trying to keep breathing...

Posts: 63 | Registered: Mar 2009
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