I had drug treatment and counselling, but eventually I could not take the pressure of the job any longer, and was pensioned off at the ripe old age of 41.
Within a year, my FWS decided that she couldn't handle this, despite being a nurse, and basically left me to sort out my problems, while she started a long-term EA, and worked on her career.
After 6 years on medication, I finally got better and stopped it, ironically just as the EA became a PA.
It took another two years for my brain to de-fog and realise something was wrong in our marriage, by which time the A was long over, though they still kept in touch regularly, and this was how I found out.
We are trying hard to R, but I am still bitter about being left without any emotional support during the worst time of my life.
I am also in fear of getting ill again. I am worried too about going back on antidepressants - FWS is dead against it - she says I have come so far and don't need them now. I think it is more to do with her feeling guilty if I needed them because of the A.
I am living the same story, just different details. I have the same fears you have with one exception...I know I will get worse (no cure for agressive MS).
WH sat in doctor's office and told me I was making everything up, but now denies he said it.
I watched my mother die slowly from heart disease. She stayed with my alcoholic father (who cared nothing about her) because she needed health insurance. Ironically, I am now in the same situation and know I cannot stay in my marriage. I am fortunate that my sister will take me in when the time comes.
You are still a young man and in basic good health which is a blessing. Do you have extended family that would help you out if needed?
Do your laws permit you to appoint someone other than your wife to make your medical decisions? Would this make you feel more in control?
I am also going to suggest that you do some volunteer work. No matter how bad our situation is, there is always someone worse off. I plan to heed my own advice once I am settled. Think about being more of a "joiner" in general maybe church or the local dart or bowls league.
I am around on a daily basis, just don't always post. Feel free to pm me any time.
P.S. I lived in the Ipswich area for four years during the mid 80's so I have many fond memories of your country.
"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live."
I was Dx'ed with Relapsing/Remitting MS last year. I have a spinal lesion that causes a lot of pain. Like so many of you, I had allowed my disease to get the best of me, even though most people would say that my attitude was amazing. I gave myself too much permission to be sick, if that makes sense.
The details of the A are in my profile, and while it took place after diagnosis, my illness wasn't really a factor. Our marriage had been in trouble for several years, although I honestly didn't see it that way. FWH admits that he decided I didn't love him and gave himself permission to be selfish. You could say that he entered the fog years before the actual A.
We are in R and doing very well, even though DDay wasn't all that long ago. I attribute this to the work of the Lord in our lives. Also, SI has been an enormous help in giving me practical advice and hope. I pray I can give back in some way.
"This too shall pass.... like a kidney stone."~Mom
I tried so hard to keep our family together and ignite some romance with my H (We boinked in the hospital for chrissakes!) but he wanted no part of me. I was the human sacrifice, it didn't matter what I was going through.
Ugh. He took so much from me and my son. I was so depressed and suicidal and every day was such a struggle. I made pacts not to kill myself until my son no longer needed me for his absolute survival. Thankfully I survived that period and I now want to live for me, but I'm left with all of this mess and I'm still responsible for my son's care and all of the impact that it has on the rest of our family. (I also have two five-year-olds, one of whom is special needs due to neurological issues.)
I just want some GOOD to come our way for once!
It's funny because the reason my DH got involved with me was because I was so sick and wouldn't make as many sexual demands on him as a healthy woman would.
Yeah, I know, a really f***ed up situation.
The reason I stayed involved with him (even after years of pity sex) was because I watned to believe that his love for porn would (somehow) translate into sex with me.
Wish I knew then what I know now. (Think, Mirry and Zack Make A Porno)(Only in reverse order.)
I was diagnosed with Stage II ovarian cancer in 2003. I had a complete hysterectomy & 6 chemo treatments. It became physically impossible for me to have sex for a while. 6 months after my last chemo, my WS was shopping for sexual partners on the internet and found a treasure trove. Even though I eventually could have sexual relations again with him, he continued with his new found "hobby" until I discovered his emails to his various partners.
Even though we have R, I will never forgive him for what he did.
As I told him, the pain of his infidelity was worse than finding out I had cancer.
second A was a PA when i was 8 months prego. that resulted in an OC with a foreign, nasty girl who's been through 3 guys since. i was pregnant, so apparently then he was also not getting quite the sexual gratification he needed. he was still going for it 3-4 times a week with an unenthusiastic me as big as a houseboat. guess i could have given it up and kept my family together. yeah. i think only guilt kept it in his pants during my recovery - that and all the texts from psycho pregnant foreign scam girl. funny thing is that he "blames" his A on being freaked out about becoming a first time dad. the irony makes me want to vomit.
he wonders why i don't think i could survive another pregnancy with him (TRIGGERS???). or god forbid i get a chronic illness of some kind. hello elizabeth edwards! let's start a club!
life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac
But I'm just going to out with it and trust that those of you on here will understand...
Off and on over the past 7 years I've had severe chronic pain. This is coupled by unexplained sudden and severe weight loss. Some days I'm great and functioning like any normal person. But other days I have pain attacks that will leave me floored until I can pass out for hours.
In the past it has been diagnosed as everything from epilepsy to hypochondria. I have begun a new round of tests during this period to try and find some better explanation. And hopefully treatment.
My WH keeps telling me that my sickness has had nothing to do with his A's. It's pretty hard to believe when I am in the depths of feeling like shit and unable to even stand up on my own. I mean, who would want to be with a person who can't engage fully with them and can't even quantify why they are sick and what that means? Not to mention that sometimes I get so mentally foggy during and after the pain that I can't even speak coherently.
I'm still early on in the latest rounds of doctors, but at least some of the news is promising. We now know again that I don't have hyperthyroidism, anemia, rheumatoid arthritis, or celiac disease. My new doc. has (thankfully) thrown out the epilepsy diagnoses. But still all we do know is that I have a severe vitamin D deficiency and a hip that ends up twisted out of socket on it's own every other week or so. There is talk of fibromyalgia, but as a last resort blanket term. And not all of the symptoms fall into line with that diagnosis. And beyond the times that I am in pain, I am incredibly strong and resilient.
What has been really hard lately, after WH's A's is that he has been trying really hard to actually take care of me in meaningful ways when the pain hits me. Not just letting me pass out but actively trying to do things that help my pain level. He's even picked me up and carried me on a couple occasions. And on one really bad day he let me cry on the floor and just sat with me and ran his fingers through my hair.
And some of this just feels compromising. Like I'm not strong enough to set the terms and that some days I do need help. And it hurts that he has been there for me now. And is being here for me now. I know that on a few occasions when I had passed out on the couch from all of it he had gone online and engaged in sexual activity while I was reliably out and down for the count. I know he can't do that now, both by his throwing out his cell phone and computer and me locking my computer out by password. But the old feelings of betrayal still surface and I wonder if he would if the opportunity was there. Even though he has removed it from his own life himself.
And it's so confusing that I do want him here, and don't want to refuse his help. But that I also don't trust him. It's a really hard place to be. I don't know if this is who he really intends to be, if he means everything he is doing for me right now. Or if it's just some sort of in.
He is supporting me through this latest round of doctors and physical therapists. Encouraging me to keep going and to stand my ground on what I am willing to accept as treatment options.
And part of this is all centered around me feeling guilty for being sick. Like it's unfair of me to burden another person, albeit someone who has thoroughly betrayed me, with my own inability to function sometimes. And I'm worried that my decision to either stay or leave may be colored by my health. And that just feels like one of the biggest bad compromises I could make of myself. Because even though I do have these problems, I am still a full fledged human being who does not and should not be judged by their sickness. And I'm also so scared that if he really does take his IC seriously and finds his path to mental wellness that he'll definitely not want to be saddled with my problems. Even if I do decide to stay. He may not.
It just complicates everything so much.
And I guess the most fair thing to say is that I still struggle with not wanting to take anything on the terms of what is wrong with me physically. But somewhere also knowing that I have to. It's almost like I deny myself the permission to really be sick. And in doing so make it all even that much worse.
Has anyone else here struggled with allowing their WH to help them after the A? Or have any advice on how to tell if it's really genuine help?
I don't know if I'll ever get better, and I don't know if I could ever really believe that another healthy minded person would choose to stay in a relationship with a chronically ill partner. Does anyone here have advice?
Sorry for the long rambling post, but I hope some of what I was trying to say has come through.
When I found SI, it was like an ah-ha moment. It wasn't the depression that caused the A. It obviously caused problems in our M but it did not cause the A. My h made the choice to talk to another woman. He made the choice to create a relationship with her. That had nothing to do with me or the chronic depression.
I like how you put that, how it obviously caused problems, but was not the cause of the A. That's kind of hard to keep in mind sometimes, but really true. Thank you.
I do sometimes wonder, too, if he chose to be with me because he could get away with it around someone who is sick. That I may accept less from a person because I am ill sometimes. I know this is something that I have to address both in IC and MC, but I know this is going to be one of my major issues.
But I do feel inferior because of it sometimes. And I struggle with that, which I'm sure is part of the problem. And I do have a lot of defensiveness and feeling the need to continually prove myself sort of issues. And truth be told, I can see how in some sense that helped to push him away and make him feel useless in the face of my pain.
And now it's almost as if I don't believe that it's not a big issue for him because he insists it isn't a big issue for him. I just don't get that.
I have been hoping for this thread to heat up for three years. Woohoo!
The link above describes me to a T. Diagnosed with now SPMS in 2004 after 5 years of tests. On day of diagnosis WH of 30 years turned on me when doctor left the office to look for radiologist's report and hissed, "See she didn't mention MS...this is all in your mind, there is nothing wrong with you". He now denies ever saying this.
He had already told me my tests were costing him too much money. I was working full-time and carrying my own insurance. WH had his employer's insurance and we had basic Tricare from the military years. At the time of the $$ comment he had paid $200 out of pocket (for 12 weeks of PT on the arm I could not use)and when the company audited their books at the end of the year they refunded him $180. My response was that if it was his health I would think it worth any cost (I was a sucker before the A)
My father passed in January 2008 and my sister and I inherited two very small, totally paid for homes in our hometown (WH's hometown, too). I am executor of the estate and have struggled to keep houses because they are in poor shape in a bad part of town, hence nearly worthless except to the tax man who seems to think they are mansions.
We also inherited enough cash to keep things going for a while. I live in one and am trying to rent the other.
In October 2008 WH removed me from joint checking and savings (which he has done before) and has sent me no support since. He failed to change his bank password and does not know I can still see that he spends an average of $1000 a month in "cash".
Since my credit cards are almost maxed out I have two choices. One is to remain here, file for divorce in order to force him into paying support, lose his great insurance (convert to COBRA, I guess) and eventually lose all my inheritance paying medical bills OR stay here, continue draining my inheritance, show my face at "home" once in a while (cross-country plane trip) and hope that since I don't interfere in his life I get to keep his insurance and he gets to keep filing joint tax returns and my half of our estate (my family money will go to my sister) when I die. It's a lose-lose for me.
For those of you who are in R how much did the insurance issue influence you? After 37 years of marriage losing medical insurance scares me more than losing my cheating spouse.
Do you trust you WS to make your medical decisions? I have made changes to my will to ensure my sister has my medical power of attorney. WH was barely able to make medical decisions that benefit me before the A and I certainly do not trust him to do that now. Neither of my adult daughters would be any good at medical decisions either, especially since I am the B that is mistreating Daddy (no they do not know).
Here's to the Elizabeth Edwards club!
[This message edited by realgood2u at 1:15 AM, May 25th (Tuesday)]
During my last round of doctor's visits I took him off the list of contacts and reverted my contacts to my best friend and my parents. He is also off my ICE contacts in my phone.
It's a jumble in my head whether or not I think he would do what was in my best interest, and that's why I took him off. I hope he would, but I just don't know. And if it comes down to an emergency that not knowing is both confusing and sad. But also not worth the risk.
As for the money aspect, I suppose I am pretty lucky to be in the place that I am. I work full time and carry my own insurance. There is debt there for me, but right now it is debt I have some handle on.
I have not told him that he is off of all my medical contact lists.
"You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul"
There was an episode of House where one of Wilson's friends was dying. He had left his wife of many years and their child for younger woman.
The ex and daughter came to his bedside. Ex made the medical decision he could not. He sent younger woman away. Happy ending? No.
Of course, House cured him and Wilson was stunned to find younger woman back at his bedside instead of ex and daughter. He told Wilson that his ex was strong and always able to make the hard decisions. BUT, new honey was the one he had fun with.
Speaks volumes to me.
I know it's stupid, but I know he loved (loves?) OW. I keep wondering if he'll try soon to go see OW this week (or tonight)...even though she's supposedly newly Christian as of about 1 year ago. I'm scared he will need to see her...tell her he lied, that he still loves her, & how sorry he was for not leaving me for her & OC.
And, I'm scared he will die. I have never been able to forgive him, as he feels no remourse for 2 of the 3 As w/OW....and does not regret giving OW OC, even though she isn't a good mother.
A#3 occurred several years after fWH was paralyzed in a motorcycle accident. After being his caregiver, when he wasn't able to do all the things he used to, I don't think OW would've ever stuck by his side had she been there instead. OW called ILs when fWH was hurt (she was mOW by then & carrying BH#2's child)...and told them how much she loved fWH & that SHE should've been the one taking care of him in the hospital instead of me. MIL said neuroICU was only for family & she wasn't family. Well, that was the story I was told many-many years later.
He cheated during A#3, because he wanted to feel like a man again....as our lovelife had dwindled after about 2 years after his accident due to my low sex drive & stress over being caregiver & feeling underappreciated.
Do you make nice & try to forgive incase he passes away soon? Or keep going business-as-usual & just keep praying he will survive & some day you might have forgiveness in your heart?
DD1 1/11, DD2 4/11 and the TT just keeps on coming.. but is slowing down
Take care yourself. This crap can bring a healthy person down, so be careful.