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User Topic: Agnostic/Atheist Support Group
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Member # 24917
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, October 8th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SurvivingInCA, Pair of Agnostic/Atheists here. I took my ring off soon after DDay, WH didn't even notice. Many weeks went by and I sort of showed him mine was gone. He took his off then. I felt bad that he did...but then it made sense. I thought of all people HE should not be wearing that ring. He touched HER with that ring so now I HATE that ring. It means nothing now. But..what to do with the rings? We are not at place where we should renew our vows and if we were would we have the rings melted and redesigned? Or should we just throw them away and get new ones? I'm thinking of throwing them away. They are meaningless now. MY ring is fine, I didn't cheat, but his is contaminated.

I have also considered tattooing rings on our fingers some day but if he cheated again after that I would have to cut off his finger. Oh well...

BS: Me, 52
WS: Him 51 - 7mo EA/ 2mo PA
27 years Married
DS 24, DD 15
DD#1: 04/28/09 Found email from OW and demanded NC and was promised
DD#2 05/15/09 - False R, C never stopped
"Lose a Cheater, Gain a LIFE"

Posts: 513 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ca
♀ Member
Member # 22909
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, October 8th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm here - Jewish atheist married to a Catholic believer, although he's stopped going to church. After the A, he found solace more in reading zen than his religion.

SurvivingInCa - you say you don't believe in blessings and rituals, but you seem to be in need of a ritual The first thing that came to mind was a thorough cleaning. Maybe you and your spouse could light a candle, say some nice words, and put the rings on eachother's fingers?

ETA: I don't think he stopped going to church because of the A. I'm not sure why, actually, but he's been getting disillusioned with it all.

[This message edited by EmptyCup at 4:27 PM, October 8th (Thursday)]

FWW, reconciled with my best friend <3

Nothing much but love to give you, even less have I to hide - Tim O'Brien

Posts: 1140 | Registered: Feb 2009
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Member # 25296
Default  Posted: 5:12 AM, October 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MourningtheLoss, are they gold? If so, send 'em off for cash! :-)

Me (BW)-42 yo,EWH - 42yo,DD - 14
DS - 18yo
Married 3/15/92
Ddays: 12/26/1995, October 2008 (EA and sexually explicit emails),4/10/2009 (ONS A), 8/31/2009 (5 year A w/coworker), 10/5/2009 WH broke NC
C Separation

Posts: 263 | Registered: Aug 2009
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Member # 21054
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, December 8th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by Recoveringwife at 3:21 PM, March 11th (Thursday)]

BW: (me)38
2 kids
dday Feb 2008

Posts: 847 | Registered: Sep 2008
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Member # 17400
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, December 17th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

<poking my head in>

Always admired the fact this thread existed, but honestly never felt the need for help in this department. I fit the criteria and all, but just never made it down here.

Any-hoo, wanted to share this excellent secular Christmas song by one of my favorite entertainers from Australia (their best kept secret IMO) Tim Minchin. This song is called White Wine in the Sun and its quite moving and witty:

Happy Holiday Season

(me)fBH 35
D-Day Dec 9, 2007
D final Oct 19th 2010

Posts: 2585 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: in a van down by the river
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Member # 21433
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, April 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello skeptics! Just dropping in to say hello - it's Atheist coming out week and all.


It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities. ~Albus Dumbledore

Posts: 120 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: GA
Mrs Panda
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Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, April 3rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just noticed this group. I guess I am an agnostic - although I want to believe. I was raised Lutheran. My BH is a hard-core atheist. When me met, I still belived. But he wore me down with logic over the years. Yet tonight, I am sitting here (alone) watching the 10 Commandments on TV. Great movie. Ironic about the "thou shalt not commit adultery" part. Anyway...

I find myself WANTING to belive again. Tomorrow is Easter. I would love to believe in something higher. But I just can't see it possible.

Does that ever terrify you all? I hate thinking about death, that this is all there is. I think about it all the time, especially now. That this life is all BH and I have - so we better make the best of it.

[This message edited by Mrs Panda at 10:46 PM, April 3rd (Saturday)]

Me-42 FWW Him-45BH
M 14 years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Prior A from 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 2030 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
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Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, April 5th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally, I haven't believed since I was a child. I don't miss it or yearn for it. I think that I came to be an Atheist all on my own, I was never forced. Admitting that I was a non-believer was the most freeing thing I ever experienced. AS far as fearing death, I find the idea of death scary, sure. But I think that death just being the end is far less scary than being judged and/or burning in eternal hell on some technicality.

It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities. ~Albus Dumbledore

Posts: 120 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: GA
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Angry  Posted: 12:05 PM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anybody out there? I feel the need to vent.

I get so sick of people's attitude that since I am an atheist, that I deserve every bad thing that has happened to me. How un-Christlike can you get?

And another thing that gripes my hide, is "Putting it in God's hands." The ULTIMATE cop-out.

/end vent

*edited for grammatical errors

[This message edited by doodley at 12:06 PM, April 27th (Tuesday)]

It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities. ~Albus Dumbledore

Posts: 120 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: GA
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Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi all. i'm so glad to find you. i am having a tough, tough, tough day of many in the last two weeks or so.

the thing that makes my head explode (and then brings on the creeping self-doubt of a recovering catholic) is when people in my family say two things:

first my parents blame all marital problems on the seemingly "godless" inlaws. my WH husband wouldn't have done this or be so confused if he had a proper religious upbringing... I shut that down quickly with facts: his parents have been married for 35 years, raised him lutheran, and his mother plays bells and sings choir at about 4 different churches. (btw - at one time, my korean SIL apparently caused my brother's raging alcoholism with her cultural differences and arguing).

now i'm getting this... "i just don't see how this will ever get better without WH putting Jesus in his heart." that's it. the sum total of problem and solution, made so very evident by statistics. you know, the ones that show that if you are saved, you won't cheat and impregnate an OW...and if you are both saved, together you can save this marriage and handle an OC.

ARRRRRGGGGGGG. sometimes i feel like it's the only camp to offer me any "hope" that i can save this marriage. part of me is still hanging onto this "meant to be" dream i have, and so i fall back on "well, maybe they are right, maybe i can only save this marriage or have a successful one if we go to church every week."

but i can't do it, the thoughts don't feel authentic. right now i'm more vulnerable than i've ever been, so of course i'd be tempted to go back to another abuser? i always felt so guilty and powerless and wrong in the faith of my FOO.

i guess i want someone i trust to tell that me religion or lack thereof is not the reason this has failed. i want to stop feeling guilty for wanting to leave without, i don't know, going to retrauvaille and "learning intimacy using the bible and by praying together."

incidentally, my catholic parents totally support me either way...made easier and brought to you by (breathless pause)- The 7th Commandment and the fact that i have grounds for annulment.

i've never seen myself so cynical. i'm usually a pretty romantically minded person, hoping there are such things as reasons for things, challenges given and destiny. that was the first thing to leave me, and probably will be the last to return. i miss my dreamy sense of romance and destiny...always kept in check by a pretty level, nerdy head. the bleakness without it is crushing. and i suppose i see people use religion to fill that bleak view and brighten it. i want something else to do that for me. i feel so lost. to be expected i suppose.

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac

Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
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Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ahhh, another comfortable place! Atheist here, stbx is an agnostic, thank goodness we will at least agree how to raise the kids on that part post-D :)

Me (bw): 30 something
exH NPD: 30 something
kids: preschool twins
d-day 4/09 (7 month EA/PA)
married 10 years
divorced and ready for 2011

It's not that I have trust issues, it's that you shouldn't trust some people!

Posts: 279 | Registered: Apr 2010
Blue Monday
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Member # 28176
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, May 1st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's nice to stumble across this thread.

Luckily, I haven't had any well intentioned people trying to offer religion as reason or salvation from my situation. But it has been a major concern for me while seeking out my IC.

To me, and even through all of this, the world remains more beautiful, meaningful, and deeply profound without religion as a personal practice.

I will engage in the argument when I have to. But I prefer the route of mutual respect when the subject of religion (or lack thereof) comes up.

Although I must admit it is always nice to find a place where you can relax.

So, um, yeah.

Athiest here.

Posts: 55 | Registered: Apr 2010
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Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, May 14th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I live in a very religious area. I want to try MC, but our first try didn't go so well. Even after I told the counselor I was an atheist, he continued to dole out the religious advice and prayers. What is a polite way to ask potential MCs over the phone if they counsel from a religious angle only?

Me: BS
Him: WS
D-Day 4/15/10
4 awesome kids

Posts: 20 | Registered: May 2010
Blue Monday
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Member # 28176
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What has worked for me is asking, "What is your counselling approach as it relates to spirituality and religion?" And if they get a little dodgy on that answer, I will follow it with asking them about their personal preference whether or not to use religious methodology, such as the 12 step program, for most of their clients.

I have found that the counselors who are willing to provide religion free sessions are quick to present themselves and will go a bit out of their way to make sure you understand they are willing.

I wish you lots of luck with this and hope that it helps.

Posts: 55 | Registered: Apr 2010
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Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, May 20th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you ARE out there!! Yay!

[This message edited by doodley at 9:19 PM, May 21st (Friday)]

It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities. ~Albus Dumbledore

Posts: 120 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: GA
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Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, May 21st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Was raised RCC, but been an atheist for a long time. Honestly thought about going to confession even though I'm an unbeliever. Have so far decided not to since I don't really want to be hypocritical, seems insulting.

Just writing this makes me aghast to realize my own emotions running so.. wherever.. and I eyeball religion.

Tempus Fuckit.

- Ricky

Posts: 7843 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Blue Monday
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Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, May 21st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think there's much weird in considering going to confession. There is something about being able to walk in and talk to someone who has dedicated their life to helping others, whether it be through a religion you believe in or not.

Regardless of believing in the religion, I think that there is an authority and difference of seeing the world that it's natural to think about or crave. Especially when you were raised to understand the RCC. And when you are raised RCC, the church tends to extend open arms back to you. Which I totally get the allure of that. Even if it would only result in momentary sanctuary from everything you're going through.

I also get the feelings of hypocricy surrounding the urge. And I would just say not to be too harsh on yourself for it. There's nothing wrong with what you're feeling or considering.

And there's nothing wrong with a decision to go or to not go. I think one of the hardest things is to let yourself be where you are when it's exactly where you don't want to be.

I hope you know and can feel that there is a lot of support here for you. And that you can make it through all of this.

BTW, I was raised RCC, too. So if I'm projecting my feelings about it onto you I'm truly sorry. I guess what you said just echoed in me quite a bit....

Posts: 55 | Registered: Apr 2010
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Red  Posted: 8:55 PM, May 21st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

doodley, you have a PM

Whether we remain ash or become phoenix is up to us.
Sometimes the fine line between a nervous breakdown and knowing things will be okay is a pair of furry pants~unfound

Posts: 81335 | Registered: Dec 2002 | From: Slightly left of center, standing on my head
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Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, May 25th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Blue. You aren't projecting. That momentary sanctuary of having someone else tell you authoritatively that it'll all be ok is exactly what I meant, yeah.

Tempus Fuckit.

- Ricky

Posts: 7843 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Blue Monday
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Member # 28176
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, May 29th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've found that strangely a lot of my very religious friends have been quite thoughtfully supportive through all of this. I suppose that's why I really don't have much of a problem with religious people, just religious zealotry.

And I totally get the authoritative support. I am finding that mostly in my IC. Right now it's both exactly what I want and need as well as something that is sort of difficult to take. The unconditional interest in my well being.

It's good, though. And I know I need it. I say get it wherever you healthily can.

It's nice to know other people crave this and need it, too.

Thanks to you, too.

Posts: 55 | Registered: Apr 2010
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