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Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread
closertofine
♀ Member
Member # 14662
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, October 22nd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tried to tell myself that H's ONS wasn't as bad as if he was in an EA. After some deep thinking, I realized that it is.

My H was willing to take a chance on losing me and his family for someone that he didn't care about.

There are so many comparisons made redarding a WS's A. Even if the OP was better looking than the BS. An unattractive OW (such as in my case) hurts too. He didn't even have any standards. He would've done anyone and anything that was willing.

Prostitutes are often thought of as less significant as well. I consider each hooker that H was with as an OW and even though it was a "business transaction" he had many ONS. IMHO.

Infidelity in any way, shape, or form SUCKS big time.

An A is an A regardless of whether it was one night or 20, emotional or physical.

It is betrayal. Plain and simple.


"Scrape. Feel. Dig. Believe. Ask"- Douglas Coupland, Girlfriend in a Coma

Posts: 1486 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Manitoba
judy27
♀ New Member
Member # 16624
Content  Posted: 12:23 AM, October 25th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for posting this thread. Like a lot of others my H had a ONS. I found out 5 months afterwards after doing some investigating of my own.

It hurts, but it is nice to read and have support from others who have been through the same thing.


Posts: 20 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Sydney Australia
Devestatedx5
♀ Member
Member # 16557
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, October 25th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just curious: How many here have seen, or want to know, what the ONS looked like?


FBS-me (49)
FWH(57) ONS 8.19.07
Dday: 9.19.07
Married +26 years
RE-MARRIED 4.28.11
----------
Proverbs 31:10-31
Sometimes people are SO open-minded that that their brains fall out.

Posts: 2598 | Registered: Oct 2007
STAND
♀ Member
Member # 16442
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, October 26th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just curious: How many here have seen, or want to know, what the ONS looked like?

I have a good idea of what one of the hookers looks like. She has a website -- complete with photos. (Her face is fuzzy in the photos -- but you can tell hair color, body shape, etc).

If I wanted, I could email another of the hookers, pretend to be interested in her services and she'd email photos. She promises to email photos if you email and ask.

Thus, if your WH is willing to share the hooker's name (if he knows it... ) maybe she has a website?

Ahh...modern technology, ain't it grand??


"Is my life a comedy or a tragedy? If only I could decide than I could dress accordingly." - Ashleigh Brilliant

Posts: 938 | Registered: Oct 2007
Groundskeeper
♂ New Member
Member # 16214
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, October 28th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked my GF about her ONS and she was kind enough to tell me all the details. I don't recommend it to everybody but it actually helped me gain some perspective on the whole situation.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Sep 2007
Charli
♀ Member
Member # 15601
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, November 2nd (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just curious: How many here have seen, or want to know, what the ONS looked like?

I know. She works with him and her picture is on the website. I also met her pre-infidelity, but didn't register. I thought she was just another colleague.


me: 31, F, XBSO, getting on with my life!

Posts: 1573 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: The Netherlands
Devestatedx5
♀ Member
Member # 16557
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, November 3rd (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I finally was "ready" to hear the answer. The hooker looks - in a very general way - like me. (about my height, mid-30's vs. my 44, bit longer than shoulder-length hair - mine USED to be before I cut it short a few years ago.)

I'm a bit SHOCKED that he didn't "choose" one of the 20 yr olds, or one of the blonds with long hair, or......

At least what he chose is something that I can "compete" with - vs. a 20 yr. old blond with long hair and a dancers body.

My eyes are blue, though, her's I assume are brown, and she's South American (therefore darker skinned than I). Other than that - I WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


FBS-me (49)
FWH(57) ONS 8.19.07
Dday: 9.19.07
Married +26 years
RE-MARRIED 4.28.11
----------
Proverbs 31:10-31
Sometimes people are SO open-minded that that their brains fall out.

Posts: 2598 | Registered: Oct 2007
babyblueeyes
♀ New Member
Member # 14603
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, November 3rd (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H's ONS was at a conference with a secretary (not his assistant he does not have one). She is vibrant, attractive, short, no tits and skinny (he is a breast and bum kind of guy). Not what I thought he would have gone for. She ended up in his room and he has no idea how....he was drunk. I think she went for him and he did not say no....

Have seen her at a work function since in Feb 07 (ONS was July 2005) and really she does not threaten me. I do wonder how women spread their legs so easily for guys they work with ... and how they hold their heads up afterwards.

My H still works there - there was no attraction beforehand, repulsion only since and as long as she is at the conferences I know he has a constant reminder of his past behaviour and it will not happen again. He has lost the privelege of drinking at work functions, a major factor in his behaviour with the ONS.....


BS mid 40's FWH mid 40's
D Day 30 July 2005
Married 23 years together 26 years
3 Sons 2 adults and one teenager

Posts: 18 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Australia
Charli
♀ Member
Member # 15601
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

* prods thread back into life *

Has anyone here read "Not just friends"? Is it useful in the case of ONSs also?

thanks!

Charli


me: 31, F, XBSO, getting on with my life!

Posts: 1573 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: The Netherlands
influx
♀ Member
Member # 13092
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, December 17th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Although I knew about his "one time" first betrayal almost 3 years ago, it is really hitting me now. We have talked about it in the past weeks--he says it was one time, he did it for sex [/bold]only. We were having a rough patch then--do they do it to feel desireable? That's what I'm thinking, but I may be delusional.

He said he felt so guilty after, and never bothered with her again.

He says men and women are "different" in the way they feel about sex. I told him it doesn't matter--betrayal is betrayal.


Me: BW
Him: WH
In R, doing good as far as I can tell.

But, that's just me...

You just gotta BELIEVE

Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug...


Posts: 1755 | Registered: Dec 2006
Sumi
♀ New Member
Member # 17495
Revenge  Posted: 9:45 PM, December 25th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I recently found out my H had a ONS w a co-worker who is his long time "mentee". She was at our wedding, the ONS happened about 8 months after, when we had apparently had an argument and she provided a shoulder to cry on. Unfortunately this event resulted in an OC. I don't think that I believe it was a ONS, but he is insistent and gave me too much information with regard to where and when it happened. yuck.


DD - Nov 23, 2007
Kids 15 + 13 + 2
OC - born Jan 2008
Trying to work it out

Posts: 39 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Canada
babyblueeyes
♀ New Member
Member # 14603
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H has a new job starts soon.

OW has visited his office to say goodbye. She is not sad he is leaving, no feelings there,but sad that the co has changed in the last couple of years

Me? I am not threatened by her visit to H, I am excited we get to leave this behind us.

Till this point NC has been in place. No emotions involved, just a discussion that the co is not the same.

For me - I have my pom poms on - yippee - next stage in our lives......

[This message edited by babyblueeyes at 4:10 PM, January 8th (Tuesday)]


BS mid 40's FWH mid 40's
D Day 30 July 2005
Married 23 years together 26 years
3 Sons 2 adults and one teenager

Posts: 18 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Australia
nikki2008
♀ Member
Member # 17936
Default  Posted: 5:18 AM, January 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H had a ONS with my cousin who was my best friend since I was 5 years old.

This happened 1 year (1998) after we got married and I came to know of it in 2002. I was wrecked.

Strangely both say that "it was a mistake" and I should move on. It took me some time but I moved on only to be dragged right back as I discovered a month back (dec 2007)my H has been having phone sex and other sexual conversation with another women for more than a year (Oct 2006 to Dec 2007).


Me - BW 33yrs
Him - WH 36 yrs
M - 10 years
Together - 12 years
I have an adorable 3 year old daughter.
D day 1 - July 2002
D day 2 - August 2003
D day 3 - Sept 2007
D day 4 - Dec 2007
Am tired. In R now.

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: India
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 6:11 AM, January 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nikki, I think this is all our biggest fear... that it will happen again.

In addition to his ONS, my H also had an LTA for over 7 years and cheated on me while we were engaged. If I hadn't found out about them all at once, I don't know that I would still be here.

Is your H willing to get counseling to deal with his compulsions?

But I don't ever want you to think that because you "let him get away" with the earlier betrayal, that you're somehow responsible for this happening. This is all his choice.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
firstandthird
♀ Member
Member # 17022
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, January 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H had a ONS several months ago, and he was so wracked with guilt that he told me himself. I was having enough trouble with that until we found out the OW is pregnant with his baby, paternity confirmed. We're waiting for the official paternity once the kid is born, hoping for a mistake. She was the girlfriend of one of the groomsmen in our wedding. They had just split, it's all in my profile. We have been together since high school, and now it looks like a 2-minute mistake might be enough to ruin all that.

[This message edited by firstandthird at 1:08 PM, January 29th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS 26
Him: WS(ONS) 27
Wedding Day: Mar 17, 2007
ONS: Sept 4, 2007
OC born: May 22, 2008
Nov 25, 2008: Found out the OC is not his!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 108 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: ohio
iamhurt
♀ New Member
Member # 18014
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, January 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone have a success story? I'd like to hear that a relationship can recover from a one night stand. My husband went to a massage parlor, had oral sex, came home and gave me a STD. It was a horrible revelation, but we're in therapy and I truly believe he had a lapse in judgement based on personal trauma. Something inside me tells me that its not part of his conscious to repeat this. However, I have my moments when I freak out and wonder if there's more I don't know about - if he has some secret sex life or had in the past. I just don't know and I don't know how to move past the uncertainty of not ever being sure. Its been about 4 months since I found out. Has anyone had any similar feelings?

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Texas
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, January 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iamhurt - Oh yes! You are not alone in those feelings - what if there is more....

Ny WHs ONS turned into 2 ONSs, then a third, then the second one was probably more like a PA - yadda yadda yadda

He says that is all there is - I say BS. I think there are people who will have ONE ONS when they are really stupid drunk, confess to their partner, and forever be faithful...

But when you find out that your WH made "the same" mistake, over and over, until they got caught - hell, I think it may be worse that a LTA - because they'll just have sex with anyone who is willing and able.

My WH might be telling me the truth, or he might have screwed every woman he was every friendly with at the bar when I was at home with the kids...I may never know, and that is sooooo crazy making.

Waiting for the other shoe to fall on a constant basis.

HT

HUGS TO YOU
It is really tough to wonder who the heck they really are.


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
brokenVA
♂ Member
Member # 17811
Sad  Posted: 3:31 PM, February 2nd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

does anyone have any advice or any experience with ONS that results in an OC? I am a little torn on my next move. We are working towards R, but come next Sept there is going to be OC


Me: BS 29 Her: WS 31
Kids: Boy 12,Girl 8,Girl 5
Together since 06/20/1998 Married since 06/20/2000
Her A: 12/15/2008-conception day
ETA to OC: 09/22/2008
D day: 01/17/2008
R-one day at a time



Posts: 92 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Central Virginia
lvmysens
♀ New Member
Member # 18028
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, February 2nd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have just found out that WH had nothing but ONS (so he says) First it was just BJ, then he admitted he had a hooker and f**d.This has been the last few months. He admitted it Jan 19/08.
He had had a ONS with an escort, while he was dealing, and she wanted something so yeah..I found out about it a year later. I always suspect it, but he denied it (of course) I think he told me because he seen her at a meeting and maybe thought I would find out anyways. She came up to me when I was at the meeting, said "hi do you remember me, I use to come over to your place" well, I am pretty much say what I think kinda gal, and said "yes I remember you and I know you fucked my husband" She almost fell to the floor. I told her that it was ok (she didn't know he was married at the time of it, I still remember her finding out I was his wife right after the one time) You know what, she helped me the most out of everyone during that time. I understood that she was sick in addiction, and he was a pig, and she did what she had to do for her drug, and it was her profession (escort) But she was in recovery for 6 months, stopped the job, and got clean and sober. She knew I was sensitive, but I thank god I listened and talked to her. So, my WH 1st one time, (that I know of) is the one that help me. I did pretty much forget about it, only creeped up once and awhile. (happened in Jan 02, found out Mar 03) I worked on me, he worked on him.
Now the last few months he says have been INS, I know he has also had and EA at the least with his ex-wife, and whoever else, and on sex meeting sites, I found the email. He is not sorry he did it, he just kept doing it over an over for months, he is still doing it, I think that is why he wants time apart. I need it too. So, who would have thought that the INS, would be the one to help get me out of my darkness, be the most understanding, and teach me so much about healing, growing, and forgivness. How is that for a success story. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. This just happened to be our higher power working for me. We didn't talk about it right away, but, it feels alot better not hating her, not hating him, and not hating myself.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Kingston
hurtingoma
♀ Member
Member # 17974
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, Thank you, Thank you! For this thread...I think I spent days reading other post looking for someone else who didn't have an affair with an OW.

I suspected...but couldn't prove...I knew but didn't know what...My husband wasn't drunk at a bar, He is a recovering alcoholic, comes home everynight, goes to work everyday...he doesnt surf porn (anymore..read my profile)

I have know idea how many prostitutes he has hired because it was all while he was working! He does commercial heating and air so he is all over town, I don't know where he is working from one hour to the next ussually. BUT, he spend our money our time our health on WHAT? He won't talk about specifics, he knows I don't believe it was just once (he was arrested a few weeks ago for solicitation) We are going to MC. But, I can't sleep, I wonder how many? how much? What did he request? My hear is soooo broken...I feel like things will be okay...then my imagination takes over and I can't function.

I start a new job tomorrow and I'm terrified of it. But at the same time I HAVE to get out of this house...I spend the whole day thinking about it.

I have to stop I'm crying too hard


Un-flipping believable! You just can't make this stuff up!

Posts: 140 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: MN
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