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Newest Member: brokenhearted730 (43224)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread
lvmysens
♀ New Member
Member # 18028
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, February 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have just found out about my H infidelity. There has been 3. Once 2 years ago, when we were separated, with a hooker, and in Oct/Nov 2 times, both oral only, and hookers. He told me, and I was not ok with it, but, not pissed off or crazy. The one 2 years ago, I don't like at all, but what he had to tell me was not what I thought it would be. I can't explain it, but..I can deal with him getting a bj from a hooker. I don't like it, but it's not hurting me (as of now) He has bi-polar and is beginning the stages for recovery with that. I don't know, I don't want to undermind anyone because I know how much it hurts, but it just isn't effecting my like I thought it would.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Kingston
iamhurt
♀ New Member
Member # 18014
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, February 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am having the same disconnected feelings. Sometimes, if I really think about it, it hurts like hell. But other times, I think of how it could be worse, I really think it was just one time w/a stripper, I just donīt know. I feel like Iīm going crazy bc. most of the time, Iīm OK. But then my mind wanders and Iīm in pain once again....

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Texas
twinnie1
Member
Member # 14640
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, February 18th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want the pain of all of this to end. Yes, it was just once (that I know about) but it was still so devastating to me and my image of who I am, who I thought my H was, what I believed in marriage, God, everything. It's been 8 months and most of the time I am fine and happy and the marriage is good, but then something will trigger me and I will feel the pain all over again and cry and cry...my H doesn't get it, he told me over the weekend (something triggered it)that I was to "just get over it!" he "made a mistake" (sleeping with a stripper)and he is done with saying he's sorry...gee, I guess I need to buck up a little bit more huh? Sorry, it's just nice to know there are other people out there in cyberspace who understand the pain.


I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.
Phillipians 4:13
He said "I can do all things ..."
He didn't say it would be easy.

"Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of someone's throat"


Posts: 258 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Somewhere between Heaven and Hell
Revkwd
♀ Member
Member # 4933
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, February 18th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do I qualify? He had 5 separate, non professional sluts, probably a total of 9 ONS, all cold stone sober with women who came onto him that he knew and in the middle of the day at various motels. And he traded way down for poor sex. More details in my story. its a sorry affair. Dday was 7/18/03!!! Is it easier to get over? Not for me. So much pain for so little meaning or gain of any kind. In a way, it hurts more. My feelings were totally disregarded for rolls in the hay. On the other hand, an EA would have devastated me, more if its possible.


kwd

Posts: 218 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: DC area
SophiaRose
Member
Member # 15846
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, February 18th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I needed this thread. My H had a ONS and those few hours destroyed so much inside of me. I am actually in tears right now.

Posts: 2211 | Registered: Aug 2007
iamhurt
♀ New Member
Member # 18014
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I can relate. Its amazing how a few hours can destroy so much. I wish someone could tell me that my life will not forever be defined by his mistake. I donīt know about the rest of you, but I have to keep reminding myself of all the good things in my life. I WILL not let his mistake define the rest of my life. This is what I have to keep telling myself...

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Texas
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, February 22nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup, I hear you all too. It's been over a year since my H's ONS. Over this time, and it did take time, but he did really truly realize that he could've lost everything for a few hours as well.

He is humiliated, shamed and extremely humbled. When they let down their defenses on needing to justify or defend their behavior, it's amazing the 'aha' moments they can have.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
karmasnmf
♀ Member
Member # 12370
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has been almost 2 years since my FWH's ONS.

I still trigger and there are still days that I want to smack the sh*t out of him and yell, "I can't believe that you did this to me".

But for the most part, the triggers are just that, triggers. They do not last like they used to.

We are doing really good.

Just wanted to share something positive with you all.

Hugs to you all.

(((ONS Support Thread)))


Posts: 2603 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New York
babyblueeyes
♀ New Member
Member # 14603
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am now 2 and a half years out of H's drunken ONS at an overseas conference with a co worker. He left that job recently.

A couple of weeks ago I heard the OW was made redundant two weeks after H departed for his new job.

Remeber their encounter was 2 1/2 years ago. Can only think that OW must have hit on the wrong married man at the last company conference in January.

About time she got run over by the karma bus!


BS mid 40's FWH mid 40's
D Day 30 July 2005
Married 23 years together 26 years
3 Sons 2 adults and one teenager

Posts: 18 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Australia
lvmysens
♀ New Member
Member # 18028
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, February 28th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just can't believe that he would do it for a few mins of "whatever" with a hooker! But still, that doesn't hurt as much as the EA he is/was/whatever with so many different people including his ex wife, found out his ex girlfriend was willing to give him his 2 women fantisy, plus even if he "backout" of the "dates" it doesn't make it any better. That is what really hurts.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Kingston
bluestar
♀ Member
Member # 17652
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, February 28th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband said that he lost his hard one in the 2 encounters he had and couldn't finish the deed. Anyone relate to that? 4 months out and hurt so bad. Feels like he hit me with a bus but I am hoping the real one hits me. He will never understand the pain inflicted.

[This message edited by bluestar at 8:07 PM, February 28th (Thursday)]


BS Me 40
WS H 42
3 ds 15, 12, 8
Married 17 yrs
D-Day Nov. 2007
trying to R

Posts: 75 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: virginia
twinnie1
Member
Member # 14640
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, February 29th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bluestar,

I can sort of relate, my H said he "was only in her for a few minutes!" Like thats supposed to make me feel a lot better. Argh!!!!!


I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.
Phillipians 4:13
He said "I can do all things ..."
He didn't say it would be easy.

"Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of someone's throat"


Posts: 258 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Somewhere between Heaven and Hell
Shotthrutheheart
♀ Member
Member # 17312
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure if my situation would qualify for this thread. WH saw a woman twice within a month during a time when I was out of the country.


Me BS: 42
Him WH: 37 (two ONS with same woman)
D-Day: 11/29/07
Married 8 years (second for both) together 9.
1 daughter 5 yrs old
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
http://shotthrutheheart.wordpress.com

Posts: 245 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: overseas
rabbithole
♀ New Member
Member # 18387
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let me say to everyone dealing with a ONS- it is still an emotional affair as well. You cannot engage in sexual acts with another person without feeling something. When my WH had a drunken ONS, it was emotional for me. I don't care if all they did was grunt & not look each other in the eye- he connected with another woman who was not me, and that is emotional. Especially to the spouse left at home. We deal with all the same emotions and betrayal issues, our pain is no less, our world no more intact, because "it only happened once". He may not have verbally shared his dreams with her, but he sure as hell poured all of our dreams over her naked body and down the drain.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Feb 2008
Betrayed&hurt
♀ Member
Member # 18454
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exactly, rabbithole.
It makes my stomach turn.
In my case he had a ONS (or so he wants me to believe, i have no other source on this but what he tells me), with a girl he knew from long ago, but supposedly he hasn't seen or talked to her since.
He said he was drunk at a party, and mad at me, and that it's so easy to have sex with someone, and that they just agreed to do it, got in a room and did it. He hasn't told me at what party or who the slut is. He said he didn't tell her he had a girlfriend.
I've tried to forgive him but i feel i can't trust him if he still won't come clean even after 4 years since the ONS. And what's worse, he doesn't seem to care that i can't forgive him. He's like, "what's the big deal? i didn't think you would get so messed up over this". Bastard.
As if he could be as if nothing if i screwed around with somebody ONE time.
Oh, and he is the type that also claims that it's so hard to 'say no' if an attractive woman is offering. But he says that sadly for him mostly uggos offer, so he says no thanks. So what if a woman is pretty? Ugh!!!!
AND he also expects me to be fine with him going to parties alone. I want to be, but i can't. I am so going to dump him... i can't continue to live like this!!!!!

Edited to add: Do any of your drunken ONstanders pretend that everything SHOULD be alright and blame you for making a fuss over it?
Or act all sweet to try to get you to just forget about it when you still have so many questions?

[This message edited by Betrayed&hurt at 1:02 PM, March 11th (Tuesday)]


Better off and happy!

Posts: 174 | Registered: Mar 2008
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i didn't think you would get so messed up over this

the operative words here are "didn't think". My H's IC worked with him extensively on thinking before acting or saying things. That was the first problem they tackled because my H was impulsive too.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
bluestar
♀ Member
Member # 17652
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping up for some more thoughts.


BS Me 40
WS H 42
3 ds 15, 12, 8
Married 17 yrs
D-Day Nov. 2007
trying to R

Posts: 75 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: virginia
Betrayed&hurt
♀ Member
Member # 18454
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exactly, he DIDN'T THINK. About me, anyways.
Weird how he finds it odd that "i'm so messed up about this", and not so long ago he was soooo messed up about the fact that i had a boyfriend before him to whom i lost my virginity.
Since when is it ok to obsess about things that happened WAY before your time, but not over things that happened while together which involved betrayal, lying, cheating, deceiving, lack of respect, etc... etc...?


Better off and happy!

Posts: 174 | Registered: Mar 2008
txtrueblue
♀ New Member
Member # 13832
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been lurking around just looking lately (been a really long time since i've posted anything but my H ONS stand has just messed me up so badly, I can't think straight any more and whats worse is for him it was soooooo long ago (it happened in 2002 but didn't confess to me until Dec 2007) So he sort of has that get over it view but for me it is still very new and I think bout it every day so much so that I almost cant get thru the day (since he told me Im just not the same person I cant get my life together it's crazy, I've thought about getting on AntiD's but I 've been there done that years ago (ironically about the same time he f***ed that b***h) and I didn't like the way they made me feel. And I've got two boys , I know I can't keep feeling like this but I am LOST (have even thought about a revenge ONS ,but don't think I could do it plus don't know that it would really hurt him the way his has destroyed me. This just sucks need advice please.

Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Texas
Betrayed&hurt
♀ Member
Member # 18454
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well that IS NEW for you. Just 4 months ago, of course you're gonna feel like this. Sorry i can't really give advice, as i don't know much about anything.
But he should KNOW that this is new for you and that it HURTS so FRIGGIN' MUCH!!! And he should be trying everything to make you feel better and show you that he truly is sorry and that he loves you.
On second thought, there is one thing i can advise you on: don't have a revenge ONS. I'm SURE it will only make you feel worse, and make things worse too.
*HUGS* i'm sorry you're going through this... Why can't they just keep it in their pants??


Better off and happy!

Posts: 174 | Registered: Mar 2008
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