Sorry I just checked in - read my profile. H Drunken ONS with Co Worker - details for him are murky at best with recall of certain parts of the night.
I believe H told me everything. He has no idea why, like yours but he was very drunk and broke boundaries he never would now.
Over the last two years I have watched many people do dumb things when they are drunk, with absolutely no care for consequences, things they would never do sober.
My H cannot drink unless I am around. He is very aware of boundaries with women now and that includes ALL of our friends.
You are not dumb, but you are most probably the one that remembers the most cos you were stone cold sober and caught them, and lucky you did.
He needs to do the STD test, he needs to examine why he did it, my H went to counselling for my peace of mind. He did it, he needs to own it, and work on supporting you.
I have a friend likes to say when he is drunk - "if I can't remember it it did not happen" your H cannot take that stance.
Thanks for your postings.
This is just one of several forums I check (including teh Sex Addiction forum, the same gender AP forum, Just Found Out, etc).
My WH had 6 ONS with random women while traveling for work. He also spend a year seeing a prostitute weekly(while I was pregnant)--then he ventured into a full body massage with a man he met thru Craigslist.
He obviously has MANY issues - SA seems to be at the root of it. For me, the ONS have really been hard. He obviously planned ahead for them (admits he took condoms with him - or bought them in the city he traveled to).
I have had to ask many detailed questions about the women in the ONS. All, of course, younger, thinner, more well-endowed than me. Obviously fucking whores who would sleep with a married man after 30 minutes of conversation in a bar.
Sorry - I digress.
The year-long hooker arrangement seems more obviously SA-related---he was having major bad things happening in his family (2 deaths and 2 cancer diagnoses in 4 months). That seems more like acting out to ease the pain (not that I am over that by any means----did I mention that I was pregnant!)
But - the ONS seem like such a predatory thing. He was on the look out. He was looking to get laid. He says he had no emotional connection to these women--like that is supposed to help?? It scares me a little that he could seem so cold about sex.
Also --where was the emotional connection to me???? How could he just cut that off and go off on his hunt for a quickie?
In some ways it sounds easier that there is no OW to battle --but with ONS, it kind of feels like ANY woman could be the OW.
How do you battle that?
We moved around a bit for WH's work, but it never seemed to be a problem. We lived in KY for a year, moved away because we didn't like it, then after 9/11 it seemed the only place he could get work at the time, so we moved back there in March 02. WH apparently felt like a failure for moving family back to someplace that we all hated. Sometime during the summer while at work (he's a satellite installer) and doing a job at a customers house, she started talking to him about personal things.... asking if he was married, had he ever cheated, things like that. This progressed to sexual talk, things she had done in her past, asking about things WH likes to do, and he made the monumental mistake of listening AND responding to her questions! He tells her he loves 69 and that he wife (me) doesn't like to do it so he doesn't get it. She takes the opportunity to put her hand on his leg, rub him down, then take him to the couch and give him what he's been missing. She has condoms to protect herself, but WH doesn't think once about any diseases he'll pick up from her skanky girl parts. Ugh! I know nothing about this event.
May of 04 we move to another state. Things are going fine (I think) and he seems a little happier that we are out of that horrible place. But he's still not happy happy. Around July, he starts emailing people from Craigslist in the personals section. Talks sex with them, sends and receives dirty pics with them, and arranges times to hook up, but doesn't follow through... yet. In Dec 04, I catch him with strange people on his IM buddy list. He has some lame story, that I BELIEVED because I trusted him so implicitly! He deletes all those buddies, and then opens a new email account to hide these things from me. Continues emailing people, and around spring of 05 he meets up with women from CL, 2 women, 1 time each, for more of the 69 action. He literally drove to their house, sat for 5 minutes on their couch, then had sex with them, and left in under 20 minutes. But, I guess on the bright side he didn't spend a penny for them. Ugh! Still, I know nothing at this point.
He continues emailing people from CL, and in Nov 06 he contacts his ex fiance and within days of their initial contact they start emailing about sex. She's married also. They spend the next year+ emailing each other, chatting in private rooms together, and in June of 07 we move to the same city where she lives. At this point, they begin calling each other and talking several times a week. Her H is a long haul truck driver, so she has plenty of time to talk. They meet and have lunch twice, but according to their emails (and this is the ONLY reason I believe him) they didn't have any physical contact whatsoever. But just 2 days after their last lunch date, she invited him over for sex on a Sat, and by the Grace of God he didn't go for some odd reason. He hasn't seen her since, and I still don't know about any of this.
Come to Dec 07. I am checking his emails for work (which he has me do every day) and I notice that there are NO work emails, that's odd. But there are a bunch of emails to one person. I decide to open them. OMG! These are SO not work emails! This is his secret email account, he accidentally left it open when he went to work, and now I know all his dirty secrets! He has every email in his saved folder for the past 4 years in there, and I spent the rest of the day reading EVERY email he sent to everyone! There were strangers in there, his ex was in there a lot, and various other things.
So, I confront WH about this, he confesses to the 3 ONS's, and emailing his ex and others from CL, and I tell him to get out and stay with his parents. A back injury the next day, sustained at my home (not by me, dang it anyhow!) causes WH to stay at my home the day after DDay, and we have been together ever since.
Fortunately, WH is VERY remorseful, very apologetic, and a very broken man. Since the fog is gone, I have showed him some of the emails he had been sending (he deleted the emails and that email acct on DDay while at his parents house, but I emailed myself a few before he had the chance to do that) and he is disgusted with how bad he had been and how lost he was and how poor the decisions were that he was making.
Since DDay, he has been an open book. He doesn't even look sideways at me when I'm going through his phone, he volunteered to let me put keylogging software on our PC's so he can't surf for chicks anymore without me knowing, and he has even agreed to having a GPS installed in the work rig. The fact that he would brag over and over again to ALL of these women that he could find "time to play" because he drives all over for work and has no schedule, and the fact that ALL 3 of these ONS's happened while he was at, or supposed to be at, work REALLY makes me nervous and scared! So with the GPS, and knowing where he's supposed to be for the day, makes me feel much better.
It's a work in progress. It's only been 4 1/2 months since I found out, but things are so much better now. He's not on the PC all the time anymore (he would literally sit on the couch 3 feet from me and be emailing with these skanks), he's plugged in to our family, and he's plugged in to me too! He is so much happier now, and I can see that he even walks differently now too.
He was so far into his fantasy of the internet life he was living that he even took the laptop to the park with him when he was supposed to be spending time with the kids and cruised CL while telling the kids to play by themselves. He was crushed when he remembered that.
I believe there is hope for us, I believe there is hope for any family where the WS is truly repentant and remorseful for what they have done. I thought I would never stay with a man that cheated on me, and my heart was softened in a BIG way the day I found out. Now, if he does it again... well, I can't be responsible for my actions then. ;-)
I am so sorry that you have to be here. It must have been horrible to find all of those emails. I had a similar experience about 6 weeks ago--just came across an email account.
I did't see a lot of the emails--just from about a week and that was enough.
It sounds like things are better--so I hate to bring up something to worry about --but have you considered whether your WH has a sex addiction? My WH is just getting started seeing a IC with SA experience so I don't know a lot --but your WH's behavior sounds like it fits some of the patterns.
If so--it would be important for him to get into therapy and explore some of the 12 step programs. From what I understand, SA's can often put the behavior on hold for a while but if they don't deal with the underlying issues it often comes up again later.
I obviously don't know your WH but it might be something to think about--so that you can work together to make sure things don't go bad again.
Here is one site you might check out if you want more info: www.sexaa.org
Again-I don't want to put worries into your head--but sometimes more information can help.
It sounds like your WH is really committed to your family so you have a good foundation to work from.
After the first ONS (which was not initiated by him, he just let it happen, not any better, but he wasn't out looking for anything) he felt incredibly guilty and worthless and like he was going to lose everything he had (W, kids, friends, family, job, house, etc.). He became so consumed with those negative feelings that he thought he didn't deserve to have a loving W, kids, friends, etc. Well, what kind of person doesn't deserve those things? "A liar and a cheater, so if I don't deserve those things, then I must be a liar and a cheater, so I will go cheat then. That's all I'm good for, right?"
So WH let himself fall into this very dark, very undeserving place. He became very sad, angry, withdrawn, all sorts of things. The day I found out about all of this, he was completely broken, literally. Within about a week, he started to smile, within about a month, he started to feel like he wasn't worthless, but still not worthy either. Now, today after 4 1/2 months he feels like he does deserve to be happy and that he does deserve to have my love. He is a different man completely! MC and I have both been working on seperating his self worth from the value of his paycheck (which he thinks is all he really is... a paycheck) and he is making great progress.
He hasn't searched CL since that day, he deleted all the other email accts, he has accounted for all his time, he has agreed to have a GPS put in his truck, he lets me go through his cell phone anytime I want, he doesn't even turn on the computer unless he asks first and tells me what he is going to do. He is a stellar example of a remorseful WS.
He never did anyting physical with anyone other than the 3 ONS's, he's never so much as (sorry if TMI) pleasured himself to any of their pics or anything either. I really feel, in my heart of hearts, that he made a SERIOUS error in judgement on the first one and was too weak and had too low of a self esteem to say no, and that the others were because of his feelings of inadequecy as a human and a partner. Does that make sense?
But don't worry, I WILL be watching him very carefully and very closely for some time.... and I will always check up on him from time to time no matter what. Trust but verify, right? ;-)
Thank you so much! If I sound like I'm in denial and those above things are all SA signs too, please let me know and I'll check into it more than I have. I don't want anything like this to happen again!
He is completely sober now, which is why I stay...BUT there is always the question...will he break down and allow that weakness to overwhelm him once again? How do I really know he is not still lying and screwing some chick in the bathroom somewhere, kwim?
I have been on the look out for more truth, and what I have found is consistent with his story, that the only time these terrible things happened was when he was hammered beyond belief...
But one of the other posters was right...when your WH has a series of ONSs, the OW can be anyone...
I've been working on healing, and growth, and FWH does seem like a changed man.
But there is always that big question mark - is there more I don't know, is he really a SA?
Full trust in his "truth" evades me even now.
[This message edited by TurnipTruck at 6:50 PM, May 12th (Monday)]
If someone was asking for opinions about this on a general thread, well heck thats one thing...
PLEASE think before you post.
[This message edited by healingtree at 8:48 AM, May 13th (Tuesday)]
What possesed you to post HERE about how much easier a ONS is???? How would you know? Did you even read any of the posts here? I doubt it because if you did it you might have more insight into how horribly painful a ONS A can be.
I hope you realize you are out of line!
[This message edited by lastimada at 12:15 PM, May 12th (Monday)]
(hides under rock again)
[This message edited by hangingontohope7 at 10:54 PM, June 26th (Thursday)]
Burn everything love then burn the ashes.
Hello and welcome...
ONSs IMO, may be different than an A, LTA, but no less difficult.
When your WS is "involved" with another person...with an emotional connection, then incredibly painful yes but also there was something more than just a fuck...kwim?
And unfortunately like many of us here have found out, the ONS turns into several...or more...
The hard part about onss, unless the WS immediately confesses, is that the likelyhood that there have been more, and you only found out about one, is huge.
If the WS confesses without being caught, that is a different story.
What has killed my ability to fully R the most is not knowing how far down the rabbit hole my H went...
And now when I look at women he has been friends with, or strangers on the street...
I wonder, did he sleep with her too?
Divorced and absolutely loving life
I think the "unconfessed but discovered" ONS can be the most fearful/questioning place ever sometimes...
Just like in your story, the initial "discovery" of what seems like a one time thing can lead us to see that it is only the tip of the iceberg...the title of one of my first posts almost a year ago, when I myself thought it was only a single ONS with a total stranger at a bar...
And when you find out you are wrong, and there was more, it is so difficult to find any kind of trust...
It could happen anywhere, at any time, with anyone...
Make a decision that is right for you.
If he has been acting out this long, recovery most likely will take a long time as well.