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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread
shockdbyndbelief
♀ Member
Member # 21286
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, October 19th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,
I've recently posted in the "Just Found Out" and the "OC" threads...I recently found out the OC was a product of a ONS, so here I am in another thread! If anyone in this situation can provide any advice, I would greatly appreciate it. Hugs.

Posts: 145 | Registered: Oct 2008
LostNowWhat
♀ Member
Member # 21618
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, November 18th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I fit in here.

How do you all deal with not being able to confront the OP??? I want to rip this womans heart out the way she helped rip mine out?


Me 43: WH 50
D-day: Nov 08
2 boys 18 & 20
Repairing our Marriage, One Day at a Time.

Posts: 90 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Midwest
Devestatedx5
♀ Member
Member # 16557
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, November 18th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you all deal with not being able to confront the OP??? I want to rip this womans heart out the way she helped rip mine out?

You HAVE to let it go. For YOU! This need you have will eat you alive, change you into someone bitter, nasty and one no one wants to be around.

I know for a fact that I'll never see/know my fWH's ONS prostitute was. Lives in Brazil, uses "stage names" vs. real names. (Well, ok, if I go to Hell some day, I'll meet her there!)

SHE didn't betray you - your spouse did.

Concentrate on YOURSELF, YOUR healing, then, if YOU so desire, concentrate on your MARRIAGE and your SPOUSE.

(((hugs to you)))))

[This message edited by Devestatedx5 at 8:19 AM, November 18th (Tuesday)]


FBS-me (49)
FWH(57) ONS 8.19.07
Dday: 9.19.07
Married +26 years
RE-MARRIED 4.28.11
----------
Proverbs 31:10-31
Sometimes people are SO open-minded that that their brains fall out.

Posts: 2598 | Registered: Oct 2007
mostlysad
♀ Member
Member # 21323
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, November 19th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too am glad to see this thread. Lots of different issues for those of us experiencing this.Like putting your life at greater risk by having sex with high risk women of STD's.Unfortuantely I contracted a number of STD's and have A HPV now to contend with. My biggest question to my H is How could he do this for a woman that meant nothing to him?
In some ways while I am glad there is no emotional attachment,the fact that it was so crazy makes it harder for me to understand.


Married 28 years,together 30.
4 children
WH is an alcoholic
7 years of ONS in sleazy bars
D-Day Feb 08,found out as I contracted STD

Posts: 116 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: australia
LostNowWhat
♀ Member
Member # 21618
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, November 19th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Devistated. Your right, I can't let it consume me.

I feel for this womans H and the kids. I wonder if they are OK.


Me 43: WH 50
D-day: Nov 08
2 boys 18 & 20
Repairing our Marriage, One Day at a Time.

Posts: 90 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Midwest
slynnn
♀ New Member
Member # 21710
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, November 20th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so glad to see this! I just found out about H's ONS a couple of days ago. I'm completely distraught and having a horrible time finding information for the ONS crowd versus those who are having ongoing or repeated affairs.

I am so heartbroken, but in a way I'm also relieved it was a ONS and not something else. I'm trying to see it as a way to move on and improve our marriage. It's all so fresh that I still don't have all the answers I need, but thankfully my hubby does seem EXTREMELY remorseful and we are starting MC next week. I had no idea it had happened-he finally told me four months after the fact. I was completely blindsided. DIdn't even suspect that it was a possibility. :(


Me: 24
DH: 24
DS: 2

D-Day: November 17,2008; husband revealed ONS from June 2008


Posts: 11 | Registered: Nov 2008
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 12:41 AM, November 21st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish my husband had told me the truth instead of me having to drag it out of him. I think for me, that would be my absolute answer to R... instead I'm conflicted daily on whether or not to R. Because if I hadn't have found out would I ever know? he says yes, the guilt would have done him in, but I can't 'buy' that yet.

Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
slynnn
♀ New Member
Member # 21710
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, November 21st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can understand that, whathappened. Part of me does feel like the fact that he told me has made the entire thing easier on me. Of course I'm just a few days into it and can't tell how I'll feel tomorrow let alone a month from now, but I think the fact that he was HONEST with me helped with the blow.

I'm so sorry there are so many of us on this board. It just altogether sucks.


Me: 24
DH: 24
DS: 2

D-Day: November 17,2008; husband revealed ONS from June 2008


Posts: 11 | Registered: Nov 2008
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, November 21st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs slynn. I emailed 'her' today and said this....

So I know I’m the last person on earth you want to hear from, but the last three weeks have been awful and I’m just trying to sort out my marriage and the night ‘it’ happened.
I don’t know whether or not we will reconcile, that will depend a bit. I know you weren’t completely honest with me in my initial questioning and that’s ok, I understand your not wanting any part of this and I’m sure want to put it out of your head, but I’m left with the gaping holes that I need filled in as best as possible.
It probably sounds a bit sick or twisted, but honestly I have been completely humiliated and frankly I’m just tired of the ‘what if’ mind movies in my head of the night it happened. I need to be able to shut that part down, and Jim cannot (or won’t) tell me everything. He’s using the “I can’t remember card”, and I’m not sure I buy it.
I’m sure you are a decent, honest person, and would be ‘there’ for a friend in a similar situation, so please consider that in your reply as I need this. I don’t know why, I’m just a brutally honest person in life and for now, I do need to know this. I promise to go away if you can see it in your heart to help me. I have been to counseling already and they said this is part of the process for some – to know all of the sordid details so that the ‘movies’ stop and it becomes a factual thing.
I need to know the blow-by-blow.
The kissing details
the touching details
the sex details
the conversation prior, during and after.
Did he cuddle with you?
Did you shower together?
I know you stayed overnight, what were his parting words?
Did he kiss you goodbye?
I know he told you he wasn’t on FaceBook (obviously so you wouldn’t find out he was married and I wouldn’t find out about this), I know you got the condom(s) from Scott – not you, (BTW Co-Worker is married with two children – what a show they must have put on at the pub, Co-worker told H he did not have sex with your friend)
Anything else?
OP, I just really need to have a bit of closure. I am humbly asking you for the details of the evening with my husband. Please understand how hard and humiliating this is for me and that I am at your mercy. I only want to move forward and not dwell on this. I need to know if he is truly remorseful and sincere or if I have been duped by a really good liar.
Thank you and I am very truly sorry,


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
thetruthwins
♀ Member
Member # 21722
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, November 24th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sent the OW the exact same email!

My WS claimed that she seduced him "I woke up and my d*ck was in her mouth!" And I don't buy it either.

It's ridiculous.

She didn't respond.


Me BS age 40
Him WH age 41
Son age 5
ONS on 10/31, DDay 11/1 but problems with prior deceit, porn addiction, general compulsiveness. I wouldn't let him come home on DDay.
Update: He's in IC! Yay! Moved home 11/26, things are going great. Whew!

Posts: 656 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: the here and now
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, November 25th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she didn't respond to ME yet either... I'm sure she won't. She DID respond to my husbands plea to respond to me, as he was trying to reconcile and that he wanted me to know he had told the truth... this is what she said to him...

"Well she has asked me to write all the details of what happend that night. So
why don't you write it all down and send it to me and i'll agree with whatever
is the honest truth. I can think of nothing more humiliating than having to
write it all down myself. If you don't want to do that then stop contacting me,
her too."

WTF is that all about... seriously.


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
LostNowWhat
♀ Member
Member # 21618
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, December 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I weird, or is it normal for me to want closure. I want to know that SHE exists and that what he is telling me is the whole truth, so that we can move on.

Gawd I hate this!


Me 43: WH 50
D-day: Nov 08
2 boys 18 & 20
Repairing our Marriage, One Day at a Time.

Posts: 90 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Midwest
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You do have to just let it go.

Confronting OP is not an option in my case--ONS happened 9 years ago when he worked for a different company. He hasn't worked for that company since just a few months after the incident. And since I JFO in September, there is not way for me to find her.

If I knew her, I would want to confront her. I think that I am okay not being able to since she is less than nothing to me.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, December 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So the OP never responded (like HER humility factors into this…. GRRRRRRR)
... I broke this morning and sent her a nasty Karma message and insinuated that she was a slut who went looking for potential candidates to 'sleep' with when she travelled (remember she's from another country) so they didn’t have to stay in the hostels ….and did the guys leave money on the night stand when they left - JUST to get a rise out of her... I'm just so tired of the mind movies and the 'holes' in my H's memory bank. I’ll probably get something nasty back from her, but I guess desperate people do desperate things…

GRRRRRRRRRRRR

Me 42 and fabulous
WS 37
1 daughter together 21 mos
His daughter (18 in Jan from 1st spouse who he left because of INFIDELITY)
His son 15 (from 1st spouse who he left because of INFIDELITY)
Married 3 years end of month
Together 4


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, December 15th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

grrrr

having a bad time tonight.

how could he risk everything for one night with someone he says meant nothing? he said she was nobody. but yet, he risks his family, his wife and two kids for nobody?

wtf?

i a glad we have this ons thread. i do wish it had more activity, but i do find everyone else in the other forms to be supportive, even if they are dealing with lta's as opposed to my one ons.

i don't know. just in a bad place right now.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
StrongButScared
♀ New Member
Member # 21937
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, December 15th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH had a ONS with someone he knows from work. He was not drunk, but we had basically stopped communicating on an intimate level and sex was a bore. My question is this - we are only 14 days past d-day and things are going great, I feel very confident that we'll make it through this, but is it still too early? Any thoughts?

Posts: 21 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: PA
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, December 15th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i think that on both sides, that is too close to dday.

i think you just need to take it one day at a time. or an hour at a time. or 15 minutes at a time. whatever it takes.

you are still in shock and will be in the mourning stage for a long time.

I am going to tell you what someone here on si told me not too long ago.

give yourself the gift of time.

it's a four letter word, i know, but it is true.

give yourself time to wrap your mind around this before you make any decisions.

this is what other, more experienced (is that even the right word!) have told me, and they are right.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Not InAMillion
New Member
Member # 22074
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, December 16th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All

I have been reading through this forum and thought it was the place that I could ask for some advice. I found out yesterday that my husband has had a ONS on Friday night while away from home. He is in the forces so travels a bit. I have always trusted him and never ever thought he would do this to me. We were the couple people want to be and we were happy. He is arriving home tomorrow and I am dreading seeing him, and dreading the Christmas we had planned for just the two of us.

I don't know what to do, he is disraught and seems genuinely devistated over what he has done, but he still cheated and I can't get my thoughts straight. He began having unprotected sex with this woman, but realised what he was doing and stopped and told her to leave, as in many of these stories, lots of alcohol was involved and he says he would never of done it sober.

I believe that he regrets this and genuinely in our 11 years together I don't think he has done it before. I think what we have is worth trying for, but I am a realist and know this will hurt me forever.

Will this get easier to the point we can be happy again, or am I just being stupid in trusting what he is saying. Is the once a cheat always a cheat saying right? I am so confused, I love him so much and up until yesterday thought he felt the same, he says he loves me, but how can you hurt someone you love like this?

I would really appreciate some advice, I don't feel like I can talk to my friends as I feel so ashamed to admit he has done this to me.


Posts: 2 | Registered: Dec 2008
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, December 16th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Not InAMillion))))

your story sounds a lot like mine, with the exception that i didn't find out for nine years. (see my profile) alcohol, unprotected, but stopped and told her to leave, etc.

i would advise you to get mc/ic, and wait a little while before you even try to make a decision. my c even told me on dday that i needed to wait to make a decision. so i have given myself 6 months. some give three, some a year.

my h is truly remorseful, doing everything he can. our marriage is better than it has been in years. i do not regret the decision to wait 6 months.

i still have not made the definite decision to stay. but if things continue like they have been for the last three months, i think i will be staying, and be happier for it.

good luck


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Not InAMillion
New Member
Member # 22074
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, December 17th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks itspjw

I will wait until I decide what do do, but have no idea how to live my life until then? How am I supposed to watch TV with him or cook dinner with him with this on my mind? I can hardly look at him let alone talk to him without crying. This is his first day home so we have been discussing everything a lot. He does regret it a lot and is prepared to do anything, but I don't know what he can do to make me feel better. I am still so confused. I would hate to give up on us, but can not imagine ever trusting him again.

I suppose as the old saying goes, time will tell.


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