Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, December 19th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

don't make any hasty decisions. if you don't want to be in the same room, don't. my h slept in our son's room (son is at college) for a few days following dday. i avoided him a lot for a while because, like you, it hurt just to look at him. slowly over time, and with meds, ic and mc, i was able to actually be in the same room with him.

it will get easier, i promise. it takes time (four letter word!)

take care of you right now: eat, drink water, sleep, exercise. if you have to let some of the housework go, do it.

my h took on the majority of the household and kid responsibilities after dday to give my time to heal. he is truly remorseful and doing everything we can. at this time, a little over three months out, i actually am happy at times. still have a ways to go, but have improved so much.

if he is truly remorseful, and has the patience to wait while you heal and help you heal, their is a good chance you guys can make it.

good luck. feel free to pm if you want. this thread doesn't get a whole lot of activity, but i do try to check it at least every couple of days.

hang in there and keep posting. we are all here for you.

have you posted in jfo? that forum gets more traffic, and others there will give you support.

(((((not inamillion))))


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, January 6th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is comforting at some level to hear from this group that the pain will go away. But when? I am two months past d-day and feel like every time I wake up in the morning I have to remind myself that I'm living this nightmare.

Thank you for all the support on this thread. It is good to know I'm not alone.

Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
Iwillrecover
♀ Member
Member # 22329
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, January 7th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My SO had a ONS 3 nights ago. He wouldn't have told me but I caught him. I wont go into details but he couldn't deny it, though he tried to. He says that it was the only time. He was very drunk on a business trip. I know he was very drunk cos I spoke to him on the phone earlier. The woman knew about me. They didn't actually have intercourse but or get each other off but I still consider it a ONS as they ended up making out naked and I believe the intention was there but they were too drunk. He denies that but whatever...

My concern is that he has had ONS and brief affairs and one long affair where he fell in love and left his wife for in the past. He stopped loving his wife and having sex with her years before he left and though I didn't condone how he handled it I understood that he thought it better to stay with wife and kids that way than to leave them. He said he is very happy with me (he is we have an amazing relationship and sex life) and that it wont happen to us. He agreed that if his feelings for me changed that he would leave me rather than cheat on me. Anyway...I'm starting to wonder if he is a serial cheater. He cheated on his XGF also. I think that was at least one ONS maybe more. He gets evasive not wanting to be judged. His excuse there is that she wanted children and a husband was half his age and they both said that they would never stay together because he did not want that so with an end being inevitable he looked for something else or didn't care if he threatened the relationship. I really believed that our relationship was different. He absolutely adores me and tells everybody about how special I am and what we have is. He moved in with me recently.

So how do I know he wont do it again? I dont want to throw away an amazing relationship but it seems to be he can't control himself, at least when he is drunk. He works out of town often and alcohol is part of the job. He is as puzzled as I am as to why he would do it with someone he has no feelings for when he loves me so much. He said he must have a problem and needs help. I do not want to R if he could do it again. I'm being advised not to leave right away...to wait. Wait for what? If he can't change what am I waiting for? I know I will go through different stages and feelings but how will that change him? We don't have children or any financial connection. The only thing I would be holding onto is the best relationship of my life. I am in shock as to how he could do this while so happy but it also makes me think that he does have a problem and that it will happen again. Please help!! I need advice. Why should I wait to end it?


Posts: 235 | Registered: Jan 2009
serenity_08
♀ New Member
Member # 22342
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, January 7th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iwillrecover....
I understand exactly what you're going through. My SO of 5 years had a drunken ONS 2 months ago (ist time as he claims) and it destroyed me. We were very happy and never ever thought that he COULD do this to me. Like you, he told everyone how much I meant to him and how HAPPY he was with me and our relationship. Right now, I'm still undecided if I want to stay or go. I have a 13 year old son (not his) but he treats him like his own. My son adores him which breaks my heart cuz I don't want to put him through this. It's a struggle everyday. Although most days are OK but there are days like today that I just want to disappear. i wrote down the reasons why I'm still here but it still didn't make me feel any better. What hurts the most is that I was very firm even at the beginning of this relationship that if he cheated on me, I'm gone. No second chances but after 5 years of mostly GREAT days, I'm not sure if I'm really done with this relationship. Like I said, it's been 2 months and still can't decide if I want to stay or go. I'll give it 4 more months and we'll see.
I suggest to really ask yourself is he worth staying for? You're the only one that can answer that...
Ughh..hurts.

Hugs to you...

[This message edited by serenity_08 at 12:43 PM, January 7th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 11 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: ATL
karmasnmf
♀ Member
Member # 12370
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, January 7th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Newbies,

I'm 2 1/2 years from d-day. My FWH also had a ONS. Unfortunately it takes TIME and it also takes help from your SO.

Once I uncovered the ONS, FWH pledged to do whatever it took to fix things. Of course after a while he had the "when are you going to get past this attitude" and I had to remind him that it was easy for him to forget about it, he wasn't the one cheated on.

We have had our good and bad days. I have had my good and bad days. I still trigger every once in a while. I still get mind movies but just not as frequently. Do I know if he'll do it again? Nope. I have to trust that he won't. It's hard, it's a daily struggle to trust him.

I worked on me. I took a yoga class, went to the movies alone, he helped more with the girls. We did more things as a family. He gave me my space and if I needed more than I took it.

Take time for yourselves. I didn't realize that this forum was getting a little more activity. I'll pop in more often. If you need a shoulder, PM me.

((((((newbies)))))))


Posts: 2603 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New York
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, January 7th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It can get better. We've just passed our second dday antiversary and our R is going great.

The first year was really hard. The second year was really hard but in different ways. Now, I'm feeling secure again. It's a long road but it can be done.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
heartin2
♀ New Member
Member # 22351
Question  Posted: 9:35 PM, January 7th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my husband had two ONS, my d-day was 14 and 12yrs ago. I have to say it still pains me esp.on triggers. I feel that it was not so much the sex of ONS that did me in, as he was also drunk,both times.It ws how he chose to handle the situations after the fact. We never got the appropriate third party support from the get-go,which I recomend.First I kept it all in for 6yrs then when I brought us out of the closet the support from family and friends was not there. I acted like it just happened and the intensity was not recipicated. We did eventually go to individual counc. then marrital. We finally healed as a couple once we did mc. but I still to this day feel the self-betrayal that i cannot get over and my triggers ly in trust issues. any guidance for a vet who can still feel like it was yesterday!

Posts: 1 | Registered: Jan 2009
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, January 7th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my h's drunken ons happened nine years ago, but i only found out four months ago.

it still hits me every morning when i wake up. i still hurt. i still trigger.

but when i look back to right after dday, i realize how far i really have come.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
serenity_08
♀ New Member
Member # 22342
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, January 8th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

to all of you that has been there; THANK YOU so much for the support. I have not put up my whole story and will do today.
I believe that I can get through the ONS itself but what's preventing me from healing is the fact that he still drinks. not as much as he used to prior to ONS but still drink. I explained to him that everytime he touches alcohol will trigger my memory and it will continue as long as he do so. I feel that if I'm basically giving up my integrity and what I believe in life, the LEAST he can do is give up alcohol. Is this too much to ask?? Am I being unrealistic? He admits that he drinks a little too much sometimes but does not admit that he's alcoholic. He ddoesn't drink everyday esp. now. he can only drink at home and in front of me but I feel that it isn't enough. he needs to stop drinking altogether for me to heal.
Please help? Fo you that has been there.
Thank you!

[This message edited by serenity_08 at 7:43 AM, January 8th (Thursday)]


Posts: 11 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: ATL
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, January 8th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((serenity)))

I don't have any advice about your H's drinking. Maybe you could ask on the 'For Those Who Love an Alcoholic' thread.

I'm sure you would find some great advice there.

Wish I was more help for you.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, January 8th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Time is certainly helping stop the incessant images in my head. There are moments when I feel like I can put it into perspective-- it was a horrible mistake and this doesn't define our relationship. And other times I think-- if this doesn't define our relationship then what does?

Anyway, thank you all for your understanding and support.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
3mtnlabbie
♀ Member
Member # 21948
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, January 9th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All,
I'm so glad this thread is getting more use as I really think that in the scope of things here on SI, a ONS that was also drunk has no comparison to one where a SO has an affair for months or even years and builds a relationship with somebody and hides it...

With that being said, I'm a bit more than a month out from D-Day and I feel like a totally different person. I have read three books to date, my husband is a different man, I feel like our relationship suddenly means something, and actually feel like a wife that is cared for.

My H was also drunk and because he had already withdrawn form our marriage I guess his subconscious allowed him to do what he did.

I hurt ever day still but I am also a get to the point person and would prefer to move on but also wants to rub it in his face... I feel almost evil when I'm feeling mean and do rub it in his face but it makes me feel better knowing he hurts when I do.

I think we are so moving on. I think we all can move on but with time. I know about the most I will know about the ONS and the OW is from hell and the devil and my H has to see her ever day at work and I'm glad it makes him sick.

I'm SO happy there are more people here. ONS are a total different infidelity I think.


Me: BW 27 (January 1982)
Him: WS: 29 (June 1980)
Together - since 12/10/2002 (almost 7 years)
Married - 09/03/2005 (4 years - and kind of surprised we made it this far...)
Children - 3 (all fur babies)
His ONS - 11/29/2008

DDay - 12/01/2008


Posts: 90 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Rocky Mountains
firstandthird
♀ Member
Member # 17022
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, January 10th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad this thread has picked up a little. My H had an ONS over a year ago, and for most of that year, we thought her baby was his. We had one of those prenatal DNA tests where they use the mother's blood and the father's blood. We found out in November throught the CSEA that the test was wrong, the baby isn't his. Hooray!! I feel like I got my life back, but even though it was a ONS after a hugely traumatic event, it still isn't quite over for me yet. I still worry what could happen in our future. He cheated, therefore he can cheat, therefore he could do this again sometime down the road, 2 kids, and 10 years later. Right now, we don't have any kids and I'm scared to have them with him to the point of basically deciding not to have any. I don't want to be a divorced single mom. He seemed genuinely torn apart, he told me before he knew that the baby might be his, and he's done everything I needed him to do. It jsut adds such a level of uncertainty. We had everything going for us. We had only been married 6 months, but had lived together for 2.5 years. We had good jobs, a stable life, and we were happy. I mostly feel happy now, just that nagging feeling of uneasiness still comes back often enough to know I'm not over it yet. Glad all you guys are here, it seems hard to find BSs due to ONS in all the long term people.


Me: BS 26
Him: WS(ONS) 27
Wedding Day: Mar 17, 2007
ONS: Sept 4, 2007
OC born: May 22, 2008
Nov 25, 2008: Found out the OC is not his!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 108 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: ohio
thetruthwins
♀ Member
Member # 21722
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, January 10th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH had a drunken ONS over 2 months ago... I triggered really badly today. We were walking down the street with our 5 yo and I said something about re-doing my 40th birthday (3 weeks after dday) and he say - "Well you screwed that one up." because I didn't want to see him on my birthday. I turned and ran. Literally. Ran Away. He stopped my a block away, my kid was crying, I was crying.

MY 40TH BIRTHDAY SUCKED ASS BECAUSE OF HIM! That's why I didn't want to see him!


Me BS age 40
Him WH age 41
Son age 5
ONS on 10/31, DDay 11/1 but problems with prior deceit, porn addiction, general compulsiveness. I wouldn't let him come home on DDay.
Update: He's in IC! Yay! Moved home 11/26, things are going great. Whew!

Posts: 656 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: the here and now
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, January 10th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today my family came over for lunch and we had a wonderful time. My husband was much more engaged with my family, much more helpful than he has ever been. My family was beside themselves, complimenting me on my wonderful husband and life.

They just left and I want to scream. If only they knew what I was going through. If only they knew what disgusting behavior he was capable of, just two weeks before we took our vows.

I know that my husband is sorry. Sorry is usually enough for me. But I'm having a hard time finding forgiveness for this.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, January 11th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i'm also glad this thread is getting more traffic. i don't think i would be able to stay with my h if he had consciously chosen to have an affair, and/or had had a lta, but that doesn't keep it from hurting. sometimes i feel bad when i want to vent or have a bad day, because there are so many here that have had way worse experiences.

3mtnlabbie, i could almost have written 'your post. only difference being my h doesn't have to see her everyday.

i am at the point where i want to put it behind me, but i just can't let it go yet. i think we are going to make it past this, but it's hard sometimes. we are in mc, and are getting along better and connecting more than we have in years.

of course, i also have days when i just don't see how i can get past it. those days are getting fewer and farther in between, though.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
rainbowlittle
♀ Member
Member # 22334
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, January 12th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to put my story here too...i had put it in Just found out....but just confused is a one time visit to a pros..counted as a ONS or sometihng else? i hope its not something as scary as sex addiction as some on that thread suggested...i know i should chk out that too....but wanted some supprt from you guys...
My D-day was end of Aug 2008. Well i didnt discover anything so to say it was my WH who confessed to me about his visit to a massage parlour. <P>It was such a shock to me that at first it didnt even sink it. It was like any other conversation we were having. I asked him questions and ultimately he told me the whole details about the sex. The thing is he was so so shaken by a HIV scare during that time and had a horrible time for the three months till he got a test done.<P>A little bit of history is that both of us come from a asian country and have had an arranged marriage and have conservative values.<P> We are (were) are first and only partners with no previous sexual history before marriage. He was so shaken on the day he confessed about the HIV thing that I actually put aside my disbelief and pain and supported him (as best I could in those painful days) and even hugged him on the D-day....
The problem is now after 4 months I keep thinking about his motive to confess...was it becos he had the HIV scare and couldnot handle the tension/presuure alone?
I haqve been going thru an awful painful time with rage, depression but mostly sadness ...a deep deep sadness over my lost marriage, over my innocent partner till that time....over the lost hopes and dreams of my marriage. Comnig from a conservative country its almost impossible ot accept the horror of the physical betrayal .....i cannot believe that he could do it so calmly...i cannot understand ....
a bit of history on WH..he is a conservative values guy, was suffocatingly possessive at the beginning of the marriage so i am at loss to understand but I must also say that he had a bout of cyber sex once which i caught on but after that he apologised saying that he was seeing all this new things on the Net and got carried away and will not do it again. This was 6 yrs back. He did get some porn movies in the house and let me tell you am not a prude or sometihng so i really dint mind and even watched some with him...and he didnt watch them alone anyways ...some nights we would just sit together and considered it a kind of fun foreplay thing...we had a good sex life and i was completely satisfied. He says so too and says it is nothing to do with me...notihng lacking in me. But then why ??? just for sexual curiosity? doesnt that mean that the bond of marriage was not strong in him?<P>
Also we just moved countries and I gave up my job after 110 yrs to be at home for some time...and i feel doubly betrayed...that i lost of job, lost my marriage....
After moving countries the only thing i can say is that WH has been exposed to friends (work collegues) who has families and kids but do visit these parlours or gets sex and massages at hotel rooms when they travle on work. My WH seems to be seeing these guys and may be thinking he is missing out of all these...but isnt it bloody immatured to think like this? he should be despising their behaviours cheating on their wives. Also WH travels a lot of work and this visit to the parlour happen in one of this office trips where other collegues also went (but WH went alone he didnt want anyone to see him!!!)<P>I dont know what to think...am going crazy...even after 4 months i cry everyday....he is remorseful but doesnt know what to do and keeps asking me what can i do to make up??? and I dont have a clue? any of you can you please tell me what can he do to make it up??
I just feel so lost, in pain...like my life is passing by....he is a good father to our 4 yr old daughter, we have a reasonalby ok maariage.<P> But we do have a lot of communication problem and often used ot get inot fights where i used to rage and he used ot shut down. Thats his coping style. Plus he is a bit immature emotionally and child like sometimes which was charming to me...but not anyomre...now i find it highly irritating after he did this adult mess.....
can anyone help with some insites?<P>
more info i have seen him enjoy some sex clips fun types sent by friends on emails....i thought with guys these are normal and he dint make an attempt to hide them or sometihng...except for the 6 yrs ago cyber sex ..on yahoo msgr which i caught ....there hasnt been anything...i asked him ...i tend to believe him too...
any words of advice will help...<P>
i see info on sex addicts and stuff here and it scares me...
i dont know giving my conservative mindset how will i cope? i feel i am compromising my morals, charaqcters by staying with him, having sex with him (which we both enjoy) but now he has been defiled, tainted....i feel someone has raped me.....


Bad marriages don't cause infidelity; infidelity causes bad marriages.
-Frank Pittman


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2009
karmasnmf
♀ Member
Member # 12370
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, January 12th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((rainbowlittle)))


My FWH would have never confessed had I found out and when I did confront him, his initial reaction was to deny.

Of course it's still going to bother you, you are only 4 months out. It's going to take TIME. I can't tell you what you should ask him for, only you can. Take some time for yourself and try to figure out what you need from him to help you heal.

You definitely need better communication. So start with that. Tell him that you need for him to communicate with you but more effectively. Does he help with your daughter? If not, ask him to help out with her. Do more things as a family.

Keep posting, we are here for you.

((((((rainbowlittle))))))


Posts: 2603 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New York
karmasnmf
♀ Member
Member # 12370
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, January 12th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1Marley,

I'm sorry that there is no set timeframe for the pain to go away. There are still days that I feel the pain and I'm 2 1/2 years out. The pain is less but it is still there. Will it ever go away? I'm not sure.

((((((1Marley))))))


Posts: 2603 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New York
karmasnmf
♀ Member
Member # 12370
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, January 12th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

serenity08,

Does your WH drink every night? Is he an alcoholic or a social drinker?

I wish I had some answers for you. It would bother me too.

((((((serenity08))))))


Posts: 2603 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New York
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.