it will get easier, i promise. it takes time (four letter word!)
take care of you right now: eat, drink water, sleep, exercise. if you have to let some of the housework go, do it.
my h took on the majority of the household and kid responsibilities after dday to give my time to heal. he is truly remorseful and doing everything we can. at this time, a little over three months out, i actually am happy at times. still have a ways to go, but have improved so much.
if he is truly remorseful, and has the patience to wait while you heal and help you heal, their is a good chance you guys can make it.
good luck. feel free to pm if you want. this thread doesn't get a whole lot of activity, but i do try to check it at least every couple of days.
hang in there and keep posting. we are all here for you.
have you posted in jfo? that forum gets more traffic, and others there will give you support.
there's just too much that time cannot erase
And the more I know, the less I understand
Because of you...I am afraid...
My concern is that he has had ONS and brief affairs and one long affair where he fell in love and left his wife for in the past. He stopped loving his wife and having sex with her years before he left and though I didn't condone how he handled it I understood that he thought it better to stay with wife and kids that way than to leave them. He said he is very happy with me (he is we have an amazing relationship and sex life) and that it wont happen to us. He agreed that if his feelings for me changed that he would leave me rather than cheat on me. Anyway...I'm starting to wonder if he is a serial cheater. He cheated on his XGF also. I think that was at least one ONS maybe more. He gets evasive not wanting to be judged. His excuse there is that she wanted children and a husband was half his age and they both said that they would never stay together because he did not want that so with an end being inevitable he looked for something else or didn't care if he threatened the relationship. I really believed that our relationship was different. He absolutely adores me and tells everybody about how special I am and what we have is. He moved in with me recently.
So how do I know he wont do it again? I dont want to throw away an amazing relationship but it seems to be he can't control himself, at least when he is drunk. He works out of town often and alcohol is part of the job. He is as puzzled as I am as to why he would do it with someone he has no feelings for when he loves me so much. He said he must have a problem and needs help. I do not want to R if he could do it again. I'm being advised not to leave right away...to wait. Wait for what? If he can't change what am I waiting for? I know I will go through different stages and feelings but how will that change him? We don't have children or any financial connection. The only thing I would be holding onto is the best relationship of my life. I am in shock as to how he could do this while so happy but it also makes me think that he does have a problem and that it will happen again. Please help!! I need advice. Why should I wait to end it?
Hugs to you...
[This message edited by serenity_08 at 12:43 PM, January 7th (Wednesday)]
I'm 2 1/2 years from d-day. My FWH also had a ONS. Unfortunately it takes TIME and it also takes help from your SO.
Once I uncovered the ONS, FWH pledged to do whatever it took to fix things. Of course after a while he had the "when are you going to get past this attitude" and I had to remind him that it was easy for him to forget about it, he wasn't the one cheated on.
We have had our good and bad days. I have had my good and bad days. I still trigger every once in a while. I still get mind movies but just not as frequently. Do I know if he'll do it again? Nope. I have to trust that he won't. It's hard, it's a daily struggle to trust him.
I worked on me. I took a yoga class, went to the movies alone, he helped more with the girls. We did more things as a family. He gave me my space and if I needed more than I took it.
Take time for yourselves. I didn't realize that this forum was getting a little more activity. I'll pop in more often. If you need a shoulder, PM me.
The first year was really hard. The second year was really hard but in different ways. Now, I'm feeling secure again. It's a long road but it can be done.
it still hits me every morning when i wake up. i still hurt. i still trigger.
but when i look back to right after dday, i realize how far i really have come.
[This message edited by serenity_08 at 7:43 AM, January 8th (Thursday)]
I don't have any advice about your H's drinking. Maybe you could ask on the 'For Those Who Love an Alcoholic' thread.
I'm sure you would find some great advice there.
Wish I was more help for you.
Anyway, thank you all for your understanding and support.
With that being said, I'm a bit more than a month out from D-Day and I feel like a totally different person. I have read three books to date, my husband is a different man, I feel like our relationship suddenly means something, and actually feel like a wife that is cared for.
My H was also drunk and because he had already withdrawn form our marriage I guess his subconscious allowed him to do what he did.
I hurt ever day still but I am also a get to the point person and would prefer to move on but also wants to rub it in his face... I feel almost evil when I'm feeling mean and do rub it in his face but it makes me feel better knowing he hurts when I do.
I think we are so moving on. I think we all can move on but with time. I know about the most I will know about the ONS and the OW is from hell and the devil and my H has to see her ever day at work and I'm glad it makes him sick.
I'm SO happy there are more people here. ONS are a total different infidelity I think.
DDay - 12/01/2008
MY 40TH BIRTHDAY SUCKED ASS BECAUSE OF HIM! That's why I didn't want to see him!
They just left and I want to scream. If only they knew what I was going through. If only they knew what disgusting behavior he was capable of, just two weeks before we took our vows.
I know that my husband is sorry. Sorry is usually enough for me. But I'm having a hard time finding forgiveness for this.
3mtnlabbie, i could almost have written 'your post. only difference being my h doesn't have to see her everyday.
i am at the point where i want to put it behind me, but i just can't let it go yet. i think we are going to make it past this, but it's hard sometimes. we are in mc, and are getting along better and connecting more than we have in years.
of course, i also have days when i just don't see how i can get past it. those days are getting fewer and farther in between, though.
My FWH would have never confessed had I found out and when I did confront him, his initial reaction was to deny.
Of course it's still going to bother you, you are only 4 months out. It's going to take TIME. I can't tell you what you should ask him for, only you can. Take some time for yourself and try to figure out what you need from him to help you heal.
You definitely need better communication. So start with that. Tell him that you need for him to communicate with you but more effectively. Does he help with your daughter? If not, ask him to help out with her. Do more things as a family.
Keep posting, we are here for you.
I'm sorry that there is no set timeframe for the pain to go away. There are still days that I feel the pain and I'm 2 1/2 years out. The pain is less but it is still there. Will it ever go away? I'm not sure.
Does your WH drink every night? Is he an alcoholic or a social drinker?
I wish I had some answers for you. It would bother me too.