Whether a woman is attractive or not, if she offered my WH sex, I would have thought that he would have and should have declined. We took vows. We are not two people that are casually dating. We are two people that are married and are committed to one another and our family. Wouldn't he expect me to turn down an attractive man that propositioned me?
I wish this ONS would disappear forever...but in my case it exists to me everyday in the face of a beautiful happy little boy who turns to me and calls me "mama". :( It's not his fault...I know that. But sometimes I can't help but just to stare and see the resemblence of my H it hurts like hell. I am a working professional w/ a doctorate...I am a decent looking girl. she is a 200lb whale who lives on welfare...and she gave my H his 1st born son.
They say that because I have decided to stay w/ him I have to forgive him. How in the HELL do I begin to do that? Keep posting folks..only the ppl here can ever begin to understand what we have been through. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat r feel free to ask questions.
How can I even be sure it was a ONS, my gut tells me it wasn't....
At this point, I consider myself fortunate that it was *only* an ONS. I hope that I don't find out otherwise. To me, the emotional involvement would be more difficult to deal with than a quick, meaningless f*ck.
Don't get me wrong ... I'm devestated and trying to deal with it every day, BUT one of the details that I seem to focus on is whether or not there was emotional attachment. To me, that would put the entire incident in a whole different light and it might affect my thoughts on R.
I guess we each have our own priorities and that just happens to be mine. I see that some agree with me, and some disagree, but that's good. Maybe we can help each other through this ordeal.
Married 11 years, 3 kids
The fact that it was a ONS is truely the only way I am able to move past it. Trust is sort of there b/c of his sincere remorse but at the same time it is not there. I've never had so many mixed emotions in all my life.
Regardless of ONS or a continuing affair the choice was made and that is what hurts the most.
Reconciliation is possible though if the WS is remorseful. We are only 3 weeks out from D-Day and I'd say that we are doing pretty darn good.
Thank you. I do find all of the stories helpful, becuase they're similar, and when they're not I still always see another soul who's hurting in a way I can understand, we've been hurt int he same way. And I'm learning about what the truth may be, as I see how others have been lied to, and what similarities lie inour stories there too.
My freind kept suggesting this site (her WH screwed up a couple fo years ago), and this site helped her.
I had tried another forum after it first happened. I can't even rememebr what it was called, but people were so mean to me, when I wouldn't leave my husband right away. It was weird, I expected some support.
Maybe I'm stupid and weak for not leaving him yet, but is it going to help me to be mean to me?...anyway...
All this this to say how much I appreciate this site already.
She said she respected me for having the courage to try to work through it instead of just telling him to hit the road. I had never thought of it that way. I actually thought I was just being weak and to me, R *was* the easy option.
Not to say either one truly is easier, it was just interesting that somebody commended me on sticking with it instead of telling me I was an idiot for not kicking him to the curb. Interesting take on it ...
I also think my friends were selfish... breaking up with your H changes everyones lives. I notice that at least one of my friends will take a long time to see my H for who he really is again and not define him by his ONS, and until it happens to them (and I think everyone is at risk of a ONS or A affecting their lives) they have no clue and no right to judge you or your S.
If I broke up with him I would have had to go through this grieving process regardless of staying or going. I would be facing the same trust issues with a new partner..... Staying with my H has definitely been the harder road to take for me, although it has been the best outcome for my boys. That said I totally understand the need for others to leave, and would not hesitate to do so if my life is affected by this again
Just a note I have terrible issues with herpes simplex have had it for 23 years. Since this has happened my face has been plagued by cold sores, (from stres) as I type I have three around my mouth now.... At least they are only occuring every couple of months now. I am so sorry you are suffering from GH. I know that I would be plagued by outbreaks if I had it.
[This message edited by babyblueeyes at 4:58 AM, June 6th (Wednesday)]
I think that a ONS is unique in the sense that since it was a ONS, you always fear that it could happen again.
I know that everytime that my husband has a drink (even with me at dinner), my insides start turning. If he goes to a bar with friends to watch a game, my heart pounds a mile a minute for fear of re-living the last year of my life.
It's hard on us all when an A hits your family. But we have to remember that we need to be strong and put ourselves first. Our health, our emotional and spiritual state and if we have children, our strength to get up, dust ourselves off and continue on.
I wish you all inner peace and eternal blessings.
If nothing else comes out of what you've been put through, then I hope that you at least find yourself in all the mayhem.
I know that there are good men out there...actually I know my H is a good man despite his mistakes. We can only hope that people learn from their mistakes.
My FWH had two ONS's, six years apart. That mostly covers the entire time we've been married. They weren't hookers and he wasn't drunk. Just two women who propositioned him while we were far away from each other. In each case, we knew the women before hand. I wasn't close to either one of them. But the second one he'd worked with previous to the ONS, and we'd entertained her and her (now ex-)husband in our home on several occasions.
I guess what's so bothersome about the ONS vs. a LTA is that there's so very little to go on. When you're a BS, all your senses and suspicions are on high alert. You'd KNOW if there was a serious emotional involvement or something long-term going on. Right? Or at least we think we'd know. But with a ONS, the infidelity can happen with no prior planning, with nothing after-the-act to cover up, no emotional involvement, no secret communication, and with very little time to account for. So how do we know for sure it's not happening again? It sucks.
My FWH travels a LOT for work. That makes it really hard for me. I want to believe he's on the straight and narrow, and there have been no red flags at all. And yet...I KNOW there's opportunity for him if he wants to make something of it.
We talk three times a day on the phone when he's away: morning, lunch, and evening. It helps a lot. But there's no way I can be 100% certain he's being faithful. And I can't trust my own judgment about what he's up to because I was totally blindsided by the discovery before. I never thought he was capable of that much compartmentalization and deception. Obviously, I now know that he's quite capable of it.
Another thing that's different about ONS's: there's less of a "lesson" to draw from them I think. Shirley Glass' book Not Just Friends is excellent. But it's mostly geared towards the aftermath of LTA. She finds it useful for the BS and WS to discuss what the WS saw in themselves (and liked about themselves) during the A. This doesn't exactly work with a ONS, because the duration is so short. So I feel like there are fewer tools or guides out there for recovering after ONS.
BTW, just wanted to say I'm very grateful that I haven't run into the "ONS's are trivial compared to LTA's" attitude here at SI. But I can honestly understand how someone dealing with a LTA would think dealing with a ONS is easier. As a BW, I'd certainly choose to deal with a ONS over a LTA, or a LTA with a relative of mine, or a LTA with a relative that results in an OC. Let's face it, infidelity sucks, but some BS's have it worse than others. Not saying ONS's are nothing, but all things considered, I know others have much worse to deal with.
I guess what's so bothersome about the ONS vs. a LTA is that there's so very little to go on. When you're a BS, all your senses and suspicions are on high alert. You'd KNOW if there was a serious emotional involvement or something long-term going on. Right? Or at least we think we'd know
As the BW of a FWH who had both ONS and LTA, I can tell you this is really not true. You'd think it would be. And I did know something was going on, but suprisingly, the only evidence I found previous to Dday was from the ONS. When I found the letter from his OW, I thought the motel receipts, condoms all related to her... none of it did. They were all from the ONS.
Yeah, you know something is up, but when the WS is involved in an LTA, it requires a huge amount of deception, secrecy and they get good at it. It's much easier to lie that 1000th time.
All infidelity sucks. And that's the truth.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda