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User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, January 12th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3mtn & itspjw,

I'm glad too that there is more traffic here.

Sometimes when I'm in the midst of my misery I lurk around on threads and think to myself, "Wow, I'm really lucky it was just a ONS" and then I think "Wait - I could almost understand throwing it all away for someone he had feelings for vs. a hard on for"....

I know I wouldn't still be 'in it' if it was more of an affair vs. ONS, but it doesn't make what we are going through ANY easier.

I think the chaos in my head of how he could throw it all away for a ONS is sometimes the hardest to deal with. It makes me feel so less of a person or something that he could/would risk that.

I feel like he doesn't deserve to be with me and our daughter.


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
Iwillrecover
♀ Member
Member # 22329
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, January 12th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am also glad this thread is here. Mine wasn't even sex or so he says. I think it could've been if they weren't so drunk or maybe it wouldn't have happened if they weren't drunk. What it makes me think though is that if it was that easy to end up naked in a bath with someone that means nothing then it could be that easy again. The only difference being that if the temptation or opportunity presents itself again...he will remember the pain we are both going through now. Dunno if he has control though. I've requested that if he wants to R he only drink when I am present. I don't know if that is enough....still thinking about whether I can stay with him.

Posts: 235 | Registered: Jan 2009
9years
♀ Member
Member # 21212
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, January 12th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd really like to go for the no drinking AT ALL, ever again. Another ONS BS here, FWH got drunk (as is the standard for ONSs by the looks of things) and created alot of rumours (the true kind) at a friends wedding, nice wedding present hey?


Dday october 9 2008 (ONS)
3 kids (12,9,6)
Dday Oct 10/08, Officially started R July/09, Started drinking again July/10, Separation Nov/11, Last shot June/12, Officially, mutually done jan/13.

Posts: 1865 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: BC, Canada
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, January 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((hugs to all)))))

1marley, i wake up every day looking forward to a new day...until it hits me. which doesn't take long!

my h looked me in my eyes and denied it when i asked him straight out.

until i confronted him in our third mc session.

a lot of our mc had consisted of talking about the need for him to be honest.

whathappenedtome, i could have written your post, too!

iwillrecover,
(love your username, btw) i also wonder if it was so easy to let it happen, how can i be sure it won't again? he no longer drinks without me....but what happens when he decides he can handle it and drinks without me?

Sometimes when I'm in the midst of my misery I lurk around on threads and think to myself, "Wow, I'm really lucky it was just a ONS" and then I think "Wait - I could almost understand throwing it all away for someone he had feelings for vs. a hard on for"....

i'm right there with you on this.

i hate this.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
rainbowlittle
♀ Member
Member # 22334
Default  Posted: 1:22 AM, January 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i wonder mine was a choosen visit to a massage parlour....and although he confessed right away ....i wonder if there was no drinking involved was it so easy (read was the marriage so disposable) to just walk in and surrender himself to bodily pleasures? What if the "urge" happens again especially now that he knows the whole drill? was nt it for so little??


Bad marriages don't cause infidelity; infidelity causes bad marriages.
-Frank Pittman


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2009
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, January 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Wait - I could almost understand throwing it all away for someone he had feelings for vs. a hard on for"....

I struggled with this for a long time as well. It's like throwing it all away for a *one* time. All those years, history and memories for that one night. That was a very hard thing for me to process.

Regretably, the problem becomes the BSs property afterwards. Are we, the BS, willing to not R because of *one* time? The final decision is all on the BS to either agree to R or not because of *one* time.

I've come to realize that any type of A offers many different aspect but it has so much similarity as well. In other words, hurt is hurt. I don't think a ONS is more than an EA and I don't believe it is less than a longer term A.

This is all the pain I know and to me it is very real.

My H was drunk when he had his as well. Just goes to prove that alcohol does lower your inhibitions and makes you stupid.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, January 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get tired of hearing about how alcohol was a factor.

Plus the fact, that while yes he was drinking, he walked a mile back to hotel (no alcohol in hand) and they were drinking beers all night.... he can drink 4 or 5 here at home and not even have a buzz. So his drinking as an excuse I do not buy into as a 'reason' although regardless the outcome is still the same.

He made a bad decision and I have to live with it for the rest of our lives.


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
karmasnmf
♀ Member
Member # 12370
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, January 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you ohpuhlease, I could not agree more. I was going to respond to the LTA v. ONS but decided against it. Hurt is Hurt!

whathappenedtome,
After the ONS was revealed, my FWH and I were e-mailing back and forth (easier for me to get the answers from him) and one of the things that I said to him was that I didn't believe that he was 'that drunk'. He agreed. I know my FWH and I have seen him "that drunk" and it never led to a ONS before. IMHO, The fact that he was in another state and didn't think that I would find out is what made him think it was ok, oh and the fact that he was hanging out with 'the guys' for the weekend.


Posts: 2603 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New York
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, January 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

karmasnmf -- thank you!

I had a bit of a breakthrough last night that I want to suggest to the group. I was struggling a lot with worrying that we were sweeping things under the rug when we were trying to move on with our lives. I felt like it was too soon to do things like normal, like we used to. Our counselor recommended last week that we set aside a time that we would talk about "it". We put it on our calendars for last night, an act of prioritization I guess. It helped me get through a somewhat "normal" weekend without triggering because I knew that we had a "date" Monday to talk.

Last night I got some more answers, many of which were hard to hear. I am definitely getting to the understanding that alcohol was not the only factor in this. He had many chances to back out. He was surprisingly lucid that night. He even shared that he was freaked out before it happened, freaked out that he knew what was going to happen that night. It's almost like he knew he was going to get away with it, knew that it was his "last chance" (the ONS happened in a foreign country we were moving back from, at a goodbye party some co-workers threw for him), knew that I would never know. Basically, he ALLOWED himself to get so drunk that he couldn't think straight, and ALLOWED himself to make this decision. He was with it enough to bring her back to our apartment. He was with it enough to shower afterward. These are the details that broke my heart last night, but at least they were truthful.

When the conversation was done, we said "okay, we will set a date again to talk about this and answer any more questions as they come up". I went to sleep and didn't have a single nightmare.

I don't feel like I will ever "get over" this, but I do feel that this approach with a truly remorseful husband can help both parties feel like they are taking control of the pain.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
rainbowlittle
♀ Member
Member # 22334
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, January 14th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1Marley, i completely understand what you say...it is as if they were in anticipation of it happening and the whole thrill bit of it that we will never come to know of it.....they wanted to do it ..badly.
Deep down thats my question....why would a spouse want to do something which he morally knows is wrong even if the BS doesnt come to know. how does it become ok internally for him? is it because he doesnt love his wife or some other self esteem issue?
and more importantly, what happens next time he wants it so badly again?


Bad marriages don't cause infidelity; infidelity causes bad marriages.
-Frank Pittman


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2009
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, January 14th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

why would a spouse want to do something which he morally knows is wrong even if the BS doesnt come to know. how does it become ok internally for him? is it because he doesnt love his wife or some other self esteem issue?
and more importantly, what happens next time he wants it so badly again?

rainbow, I haven't been in this forum for a while, but your question just touched me so.

What you ask is the $64,000 question. Unfortunately, that's for him to answer, not for YOU to figure out.

I didn't know anything about my H's A activities. No clue. Completely blindsided and he had several YEARS of ONS along with an LTA.

Yes, he could have had a scare that prompted him to tell you, especially since you were still having sex. My H avoided any sexual contact with me at all during his As, he "says" partially to protect me "in case" and partially because he was ashamed, the other part was because he didn't NEED sex with me.

Our MC quetionned my H extensively on his new "coping" methods. The "what happens if he feels the HAVE TO HAVE IT urge again." My H told her straight out that he had weaned himself off by using porn and MB alone. Once the "addiction" need passed, he directed his "excess" energy into reconnecting with his kids, finding activities to do with his whole family, in other words, finding ways to keep himself busy during the periods he used to go see the pros or his GFs.

But HE has to develop those changes in himself. You can't force him to. I found that when I forced the issue of "you're watching porn and MB again and our sex life is suffering, so stop", he reverted to lying about it. When given over to him to handle, he stopped. It stopped being a "turn on" that he was getting away with something.

The question on your own morality and whether you can stay, is up to you. If you think you can put this as a "one time, never happen again" situation based on HIS behavior and HIS honesty and HIS actions, then I don't see the shame in giving him another chance.

I have my H and it has nothing to do with being a wimp or it going against my deepest inclinations. He knows he had the one chance and there will never be another. He knows our relationship has changed and will be changed forever and is willing, no happy to accept those changes in trust levels.

Obviously, by confessing, you H has also shown you he's willing to take the chance with you and be honest. That goes a long way in my book. Good luck to you two.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
karmasnmf
♀ Member
Member # 12370
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, January 14th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1Marley,

I am glad that you and your WH were able to find something that works for you. My FWH and I used to send e-mails, it worked for us. No interruptions from the other person.

It will get easier with TIME.



Posts: 2603 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New York
brokenbutstrong2
♀ Member
Member # 22446
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, January 14th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a BS and am trying to reconcile. He has agreed to NC with her. It is the girl he lost his virginity to in high school. She was unhappily married and in town at the right time. He says he did it bc she made him remember a simpler time. Before kids, a mortgage, ect. He said he did think he loved her and told her he did. He now says it wasn't love at all. That he is committed to our family. I try not to bring it up bc he gets defensive. He told me last night he hates talking about it. I need to know if what he says is true... I asked him if he remembered the night they were together. He says he doesn't remember it bc of the amount of guilt and shame associated with the sex. Can that be true? Can it just be that simple? I want to believe him with all my heart. I can't try to work things out if I cant get these mental blocks out of the way. Help please. any advice is appreciated!

Posts: 86 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: USA
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, January 14th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brokenbutstrong...
I struggle with the same things. I have definitely wanted to simplify things, to identify the "perfect storm" that must have happened that night in order for him to have actually gone through with it. I have gone from blaming alcohol, blaming the culture of the country we were in at the time, blaming women of that race in general (yeah, real mature, I know). I guess I have, like you, wanted to hold on to something that assures me that this will never happen again. I also want to believe my husband and find peace with his promise that it won't happen again.

I think the reality is that no relationship is immune from really dumb decisions. I have never cheated on my husband, but I have definitely withheld information at times and made decisions I'd rather he not know about.

I think the key (at least for me) is not to allow our relationship to get to a point of complacency and blind trust, as I believe it was before this happened. We are all human and need to protect ourselves and each other from decisions that ruin lives.

I'm hardly one to give advice a this point, but I think it's fair to ask your husband to promise to come to YOU next time he feels nostalgic.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
Iwillrecover
♀ Member
Member # 22329
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, January 14th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1Marley,

I get your point about blind trust. Vigilance will help to catch them but I WANT to get to a place of blind trust. I'm not there by any means. I don't trust at all. It is that magical romantic place of being in love to me though. Knowing that my man has my back and wants to protect me and never do anything to hurt me. I wonder if I can ever get back there...


Posts: 235 | Registered: Jan 2009
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, January 14th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I WANT to get to a place of blind trust

I'm going into year #3 and I've finally got there. Actually it's probably more honest of me to say that it's not so much blind trust that I have as it is more of an awakening for me.

I became completely exhausted from always second guessing whether I would trust again. Whether or not I could be that comfortable again, etc...

I am finally at a place where I've come to the realization that we are reconciled and our M is doing great. *If* my H decides to do this again, I really have no control over it. I don't believe he would but his choices are his own. I cannot give myself any more headache living in the 'what if' world.

As I said, it took me a very long time to get there. The road was hard and mostly uphill. I checked his phone, his email or anything I could get my hands on. I was always so happy to find he was being honest. With as much work as he has put into our R, I would be stunned if he did it again.

I know some may say it's foolish to think that way but at the end of a very long 2 years, he has remained consitent, transparent and remorseful.

The trust rebuilds slowly. Hang in there.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, January 14th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((brokenbutstrong)))

I try not to bring it up bc he gets defensive. He told me last night he hates talking about it. I need to know if what he says is true... I asked him if he remembered the night they were together. He says he doesn't remember it bc of the amount of guilt and shame associated with the sex. Can that be true?

Of course he doesn't like to talk about it. But that isn't what you need to heal is it?

There are many FWS who fight the talking at the beginning only to find it's one of the first big steps to R.

If you stop talking because you don't want to upset him, then it's only yourself you are hurting further. You can only bury this for so long if it's something you need to talk about.

Now he says he doesn't remember because of the shame or guilt. I'm sorry but I've never heard how those emotions block out memory. I'm not saying he didn't feel guilty but that would have followed afterwards. What is your gut telling you? Do you really want to have the answers? If you do, are you going to be okay with what he tells you?


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
rainbowlittle
♀ Member
Member # 22334
Default  Posted: 5:53 AM, January 15th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brokenbutstrong..i think you must talk...this is way to serious to sweep under the rug...if you dont discuss it the way you want it it will come back to haunt you....and your marriage will never fully recover.
Pls talk to your WH to slowly open up and tell him what you need to heal. Its important for him to know what you need to help you heal. i know its tough but it must be done.


Bad marriages don't cause infidelity; infidelity causes bad marriages.
-Frank Pittman


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2009
karmasnmf
♀ Member
Member # 12370
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, January 15th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brokenbutstrong,
I agree with rainbowlittle, he needs to open up to you to help YOU heal. Remind him that it's not about him, it's about you and your healing. He already did something that HE wanted to do now it's time that he does something for you and that is be open and honest with answering whatever questions you have. I got the whole, "I don't remember", "I don't want to talk about it" but for my healing, we needed to talk about it whether he wanted to or not.

Please don't let him 'sweep' this under the rug.

Take care of YOU.

((((((Brokenbutstrong))))))


Posts: 2603 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New York
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, January 15th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh IMarley, thank you, thank you for your posts.

I really needed to see/hear/read that this week.

That has been a huge thing for me. If we pretend (not talk about it)then it just goes away. He sleeps soundly, has his wife and child and home still and he GETS AWAY WITH IT.

It's all so frustrating.


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
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