One of my biggest fears is that I will always harbor the same anger and resentment I hear from you. Your words could be mine. When I think about how stupid and senseless-- DISGUSTING it really was, I spiral down into really dark places where I question everything about him and our relationship. All that he is doing to reconcile, all the tears seem fake to me when put into the context of that act.
My counselor and I got into a bit of a battle of psychology yesterday. I kept repeating, 'If he could do this, then he could have an LTA. If he could allow himself to make a decision like this once, he could allow himself to do it again." My counselor would not let me simplify things so easily, which was good. He is also my husband's counselor and said that he knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that my husband "adores" me and is sure he will not do something like this again. It was good to hear that reassurance, especially from a counselor who has told me in no uncertain terms that if he felt I was in danger of being hurt like this again, he would tell me. But at the end of the day, who knows? He doesn't. I certainly didn't.
I suppose part of finding peace with a ONS is that we believe it was truly that-- an emotionless mistake. The way I see it now is that he has hurt me once. Bad. If anything remotely like this happens again, I am out.
I told that to my counselor yesterday too, and he said, "Trust me, your husband knows that." I think that meant more to me than hearing how much he loves me!
I suppose part of finding peace with a ONS is that we believe it was truly that-- an emotionless mistake
That's a good way of looking at it, other than the word mistake as it was a direct decision.
I was the opposite. I viewed it as disgusting because this was a stranger of which my H new nothing about. Even though there were no emotions involved with the ONS, there was *supposed* to be emotions involved with me. Besides the threat of STDs, etc and yet he still crossed that line.
I do agree with you that one of the benefits (and I use that word loosely) is that a ONS can be a way for them to learn why they had such poor boundaries to begin with. The ONS takes just as much learning and recovery as any other type of A. They need to put in full effort to learn why they let the sequence of events happen, what they would do differently next time, developing boundaries and work on their M.
From what I've read on SI, most of the FWS who had a ONS, then a LTA, had never been found out to begin with. If BSs are posting their S had an LTA and a few ONS, I would say that most often they've found out about all the infidelities at the same time or were trickle truthed.
whathappenedtome....Now is time they need to fix things because that is what is truly going to ensure nothing like this ever happens again. The actions, over a very lengthy period of time, is what is going to give you that peace again.
It never ceases to amaze me how alike so many of the ONS stories are. My H's was a drunken ONS, too, while he was out of town for work. How unique!
I am 6 months out, and finally feel like I'm turning a corner. I have been working SO hard on getting my feelings out and asking for what I need, which I really suck at. I never really knew what I was missing before, because I just kind of closed a part of myself off, as some form of self-preservation, I guess.
Just know that there is hope! I don't care what anyone else says, I would MUCH prefer to try and rebuild after a one-time mistake than after an ongoing love affair. I don't think I could do it!
How many of us ever said to our spouses 'If you ever cheated I would be gone.'
*waving both hands in the air*
The funny (not ha, ha) thing is that because of what his first wife put him through with cheating, I did feel safe in a relationship for the VERY FIRST TIME. All prior boyfriends had physcially cheated on me and one I believe had an EA (was a personal trainer and would take business cards from women saying it was work related.. I digress) anyway, he knew my abandonment issues with men and 'got it' and so I said yes to "Will you Marry me".
When this whole thing came crashing in, I couldn't believe it. I think that is my constant personal struggle. My head says F no, and my heart says, we have a baby.
sorry i haven't been around for a couple of days....
trying to take care of stuff at home and in my own relationship...
plus, i, too, am still not used to this thread getting so much traffic.
but i am SO glad it is.
hugs to all, and know i am thinking about you!
i will be back in a day or two to check in!
there's just too much that time cannot erase
And the more I know, the less I understand
Because of you...I am afraid...
I think that is my constant personal struggle. My head says F no, and my heart says, we have a baby.
This took me some time to try and sort out too. When deciding to R, part of me felt like I was going against my own word and didn't want to appear to be even more of a pushover to my H. I had already lost enough self-respect.
But now I'm happy I stayed true to my decision. I don't feel any less of a person because I said one thing and did another. I've proudly (although certainly difficult at times) stuck by my decision to stay in our M.
With that being said - we had our first MC session last Monday and it was interesting. I'm completing my Masters in Counseling so it is super strange being on the other side of the situation.
We didn't get to pick our MC as it comes with our HMO but I really like her. She said on the severity scale of 0 being none and 10 being a WHOLE bunch of work, we are in the -1 to 1 range! H and I have worked so hard on us since D day and it apparently shows.
MC asked us why we came in and wanted us to explain even though she had intake papers and that is why we were approved to have MC. H explained how we were on the fritz prior to his ONS and then proceeded to tell her that he had a ONS and started balling. It is SO clear to me that he is SO ashamed, saddened, guilty, and remorseful about what he did. She asked him details and he told her. I told her I'm sometimes still not satisfied with the lack of details because of alcohol (go figure!) and she said that is something I am going to have to work on, no joke!
We have an appointment in another week and we have two goals with MC. One is to keep the work we are doing consistent and continuing and that it doesn't go away. The other goal is for me to be able to find forgiveness and for H to really understand the process it is for me to find that and what it means for me to give it to him.
I'm so happy we are here. Unfortunately we are here but we are unique. I have faith, and I know without a doubt that R is working. H also knows that if even an EA happened again, it is OVER. It isn't about me and what I am doing. I didn't have the EA or ONS, he did.
Hugs to all of you!
DDay - 12/01/2008
Yes, I have problems at night. I think when I stop to breathe (being busy during the day with work, business, baby and *stuff*). when I stop to breathe at night, it hits me hard.
Last night we had an amazing intimate session, and then I started to bawl because I just saw them and it just ruined everything.
He is better now, to just hold me, say sorry and let me work through it.
I recently told the co-worker's wife (he was involved and cheated also(without sex supposedly)and it's getting ugly.
My WH and I had a good chat about it this afternoon. I told him he shouldn't feel guilty for co-workers bad choice, he should worry about his own and focus on us. He felt like he should talk to the wife (who left the co-worker, had an ugly fight, hit him, involved their small children, etc.). I guess co-worker stopped by our house last night (thank goodness we weren't here, but will he be back?).
Sorry I'm rambling, but it feels good to let it out of my head.
I'm so glad there is more traffic here, I don't mind being in JFO and R, but sometimes the LTA"s are too much!!!
[This message edited by whathappenedtome at 9:53 PM, January 17th (Saturday)]
[This message edited by rainbowlittle at 11:42 PM, January 17th (Saturday)]
rainbow and whathappenedtome...yes, you are right when you say that your old M is gone, which is why many, many people feel like they are grieving. It's normal. It's a sad thing and something that you have to eventually come to terms with someway or somehow. I know you likely feel that you are grieving and missing the old *you*. So much of the world changes after an A. Your thoughts, your beliefs, your pride, etc... But you can find it all again. You can find the new you and some of the old you is still going to be there. I always thought of it as the new and improved version of myself.
Sometimes i feel he cannot even probably think deeply about himself...too shallow so maybe all this is too much fro him ot assimilate. I am fast losing patience...should i just drop it and live like roomies?
You're right. Unless he is willing to go full steam ahead and disclose everything in MC, he isn't going to learn a thing about himself. That would be awfully sad that even something this horrific wouldn't motivate him enough to do that. Personally, I think you should haul his butt into MC and let him share what he thinks he should. That is the only way you are going to have the answers instead of sitting there assuming how he is going to act. The MC, hopefully will be able to see right through that. If he doesn't do the work, then really it's his loss and then you would have to make a decision.
I never thought my H was much of an MC or IC guy. He proved me wrong.
But your H is right in that *you* need to start living for *you*. He could be trying to deflect some on you so he doesn't have to deal with fixing things, but the basic, fundamental thing of what he is saying is correct.
Get some IC for yourself. Start thinking about what you need to do to get back to that person *you* want to be proud of for *yourself*. If you could start by taking a step in that direction today, what would it be? Would you take a class? Get your hair done? Go for a walk?
Little by little you are going to start regaining your strength.
I know he was terrified that I would leave and that he would be out of our house. We had actually talked about that prior to the ONS, about separation...
I know if he wasn't drunk the IDIOTIC thinking that happened in his head wouldn't have happened. He has even said, I have to live with the fact that I cheated for the rest of my life, I have to admit that to God, and it is something (and this is when I was SO in limbo) that if we don't end up together and I am in another relationship of any merit, I will have to admit to...
No offense to the men on here, BUT I really think reasoning and logic mixed with alcohol makes a mess, period. And the common theme on here for most of us is that the BS was drunk. We need to all know our limits and if we are going to drink, do it around safe people who have your best interests at heart, period!
Alcohol was a problem for us. He would get super drunk because he didn't have anything else to do and then drive to Taco Bell or another fast food place while SUPER drunk. I even screamed, stole his keys, etc. to try to prevent him from driving but with the amount he and drunk, again reasoning and logic out the door! Our agreement now is that if we are going to drink, it will be in the presence of each other and that is it. He also has admitted there is absolutely NO reason to drink himself to stupidity... Gosh - where did that get him?
My H was more suprised when I agree I said I wanted to work things out. He always said that was the greatest gift.
He printed out his entire schedule before he left and has been in contact every few hours to check in. It's really helping to keep the movies that love to play when I'm alone from starting up. But it's still really quiet in our house, and I can't help but be sad when I think about all the business trips before this happened, how I used to look forward to my alone time when he was gone and I could do things just for me. I wonder if trips he goes on in the future will always be this hurtful.
I really appreciate all the support here. I have looked at all the recent posts and have taken such comfort in knowing that I'm not alone and reconciliation will happen if we continue working on it.
I can't help but be sad when I think about all the business trips before this happened, how I used to look forward to my alone time when he was gone and I could do things just for me.
Wow, that is me, exactly!! I NEVER gave a second thought to jealousy or the fact that he might do something. Oddly enough, about a year-and-a-half ago, before his ONS, he had a trip to Vegas that he really should have gone on, but we were having a REALLY rough year, relationshipwise, and he told me that he didn't trust himself enough to go without me. Should have been a HUGE red flag, huh? But no, my blind trust was still there. And when he actually cheated, I thought we were doing so much better. Now, we actually ARE doing great, but I'm afraid to trust it.
Live and learn, I guess. No relationship is immune to anything.
On a brighter note, for me the business trips have gotten easier, but none of them are to exotic/romantic locations. If those come up, either I go or he doesn't go, and fortunately I don't have to tell him this...it is his rule for himself, as well.