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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread
Devestatedx5
♀ Member
Member # 16557
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, January 30th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Regarding the trigger of clothing:
Not knowing, and never having asked WHAT my fWH/DH wore that night, I just tossed it all - boxers, socks, jeans, shirts and even his watch. (His wedding ring was at home with me.)

Granted, it cost me a pretty-penny (of my personal funds) to replace it all, but hell. No WAY was I going to spend the rest of my life "wondering" if this shirt, or these jeans, etc.


FBS-me (49)
FWH(57) ONS 8.19.07
Dday: 9.19.07
Married +26 years
RE-MARRIED 4.28.11
----------
Proverbs 31:10-31
Sometimes people are SO open-minded that that their brains fall out.

Posts: 2598 | Registered: Oct 2007
survivinglies
Member
Member # 19376
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, January 30th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No idea and he "can't remember"... among other things...


BS (me)
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 18, Together: 20, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-98 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
Isaiah 40:31

Posts: 1397 | Registered: May 2008 | From: U.S., just a few miles south of insanity
Wind Knocked Out
♀ Member
Member # 22586
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, January 30th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh ugh. I'm just obsessing about his clothes now. I want to know the outfit.

I can't decide if I want to have him agree to throw them away (knowing that I'll be upset if he refuses), or just get rid of them myself after I figure out what he was wearing (knowing that he'll probably be angry that I did something irrational and destructive).

I wish he said, "the thought of the whole thing makes my skin crawl, and I never want those clothes on me ever again. I'm tossing them this instant."

I suspect he won't do that, though.

I suppose this, too, shall pass.

[This message edited by Wind Knocked Out at 9:24 AM, February 2nd (Monday)]


BGF(31)
One of my favorite movies has a line in it: "It has to hurt if it's to heal."
I was already broken when my relationship fractured. He hurt my heart terribly, but I decided to heal that and the rest of me, too. THAT's my NB.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Jan 2009
3mtnlabbie
♀ Member
Member # 21948
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, January 30th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So funny. I have asked my H to throw away the shirt he wore that night too and he hasn't. Totally pisses me off as it's "one of his favorites" and spend good money on it.

Actually - REALLY FUCKING pisses me off!

He fucking wore it on my birthday last week out to dinner with me and just doesn't get it!


Me: BW 27 (January 1982)
Him: WS: 29 (June 1980)
Together - since 12/10/2002 (almost 7 years)
Married - 09/03/2005 (4 years - and kind of surprised we made it this far...)
Children - 3 (all fur babies)
His ONS - 11/29/2008

DDay - 12/01/2008


Posts: 90 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Rocky Mountains
Devestatedx5
♀ Member
Member # 16557
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, January 30th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ladies-why are you waiting for "the clueless one" to beg, borrow or steal a clue.

If a piece of clothing is bothering/triggering you, toss the damn thing. (Replace as needed.)

Do you think for one second that I "asked permission" to toss the suitcase and it's contents? No f'n way. Just did it. No regrets.

[This message edited by Devestatedx5 at 8:35 PM, January 30th (Friday)]


FBS-me (49)
FWH(57) ONS 8.19.07
Dday: 9.19.07
Married +26 years
RE-MARRIED 4.28.11
----------
Proverbs 31:10-31
Sometimes people are SO open-minded that that their brains fall out.

Posts: 2598 | Registered: Oct 2007
3mtnlabbie
♀ Member
Member # 21948
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, January 30th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Devestatedx5,
Thanks for the suggestion! I purposely left my laptop open with this page open. We both have been kicking back some beers and guess what H is doing right now.

Retrieving the shirt for a burning! Yep, the thing will be burnt probably tomorrow night on our deck in OUR fire...

And he wants to do it now. I'll be back...

And apparently he agrees with my wants and is prepping the fire! God, I never seen this motivated of a man...


Me: BW 27 (January 1982)
Him: WS: 29 (June 1980)
Together - since 12/10/2002 (almost 7 years)
Married - 09/03/2005 (4 years - and kind of surprised we made it this far...)
Children - 3 (all fur babies)
His ONS - 11/29/2008

DDay - 12/01/2008


Posts: 90 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Rocky Mountains
3mtnlabbie
♀ Member
Member # 21948
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, January 30th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I just cried...


Me: BW 27 (January 1982)
Him: WS: 29 (June 1980)
Together - since 12/10/2002 (almost 7 years)
Married - 09/03/2005 (4 years - and kind of surprised we made it this far...)
Children - 3 (all fur babies)
His ONS - 11/29/2008

DDay - 12/01/2008


Posts: 90 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Rocky Mountains
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, January 31st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pug...this is so insightful. It truly is.

Paradoxically, it wasn't until I really began to examine and focus on what I wanted and needed from the marriage, did the reality of the condition of the marriage settle in for me.

If you don't mind my asking, how far were you into R when this occured. For me I think it was at about 1 1/2 years into it. Perhpas it was because the shock had worn off. The majority of the anger was gone and there was no place else to turn except inward.

And inward is really the only place where true healing occurs.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, January 31st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Regarding the clothing thing...

At first I waited for my FWH to understand that the clothing he was wearing while he was hooking up at the bar was a trigger...and yes he said - but its my favorite!

I washed it and other triggery clothing for several months waiting for him to understand.

The day I went through his closet, took out every piece of clothing (bar t-shirts, etc, AND the favorite thing) and tossed it in the trash and said "I just can't look at these frigging things anymore and I shouldn't have to!!!!"

That is the day he got it.


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
rain7
♀ Member
Member # 20336
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, January 31st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Windknockedout, reading your post about your H trying to do something destructive to your relationship has really struck a chord with me. For some reason there is something my H told me that I kind of block out of my mind, and don't fully relate it to his ONS, but it should be. He told me that about 1-1/2 years ago he did something similar to his ONS, only he didn't let it go anywhere. He was feeling down and unwanted, and we were having SERIOUS problems, so much so that when he told me about this, I almost didn't care (he told me after it happened). He started talking to a woman in a bar, same town as ONS, same friend with him, and they flirted for quite awhile, and she wanted him to come out to the parking lot and she was going to give him oral sex. He didn't do it. Flash forward to the night of his ONS, we were in a much better (though not perfect) place, and he does the same thing, only he takes her back to his hotel room and fucks her! WTF!!! I have such a hard time understanding how he resisted the first time, but went through with it this time, when things were so much better.

I don't really know where I'm going with this, but just felt the need to get it out.


BS: Me, 42.
WS: Him, 42.
Married 18 years on 11/03/08!
Together 20.
Two DDs: 17 and 13.
ONS 07/16/08.
D-Day: 07/18/08.
In R.

Posts: 390 | Registered: Jul 2008
rain7
♀ Member
Member # 20336
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, January 31st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, replying to my own post, here. I really think my H and I need to have another talk about this. We did talk about it after his ONS, and I asked him if he realized that even STARTING a conversation with a woman in a bar is a betrayal, and he said he gets it, and swears he'll never do it again, but now that time has given me clarity, I feel the need to go over a few things again, in more detail. This is a HUGE problem, that he thought it was okay to play such a dangerous game in the first place! He told me he was just looking to have his ego stroked, and to know that someone wanted him and that he could have her if he wanted, and that was the fix he was looking for. He didn't want to acutally DO anything, just know that he COULD. I really need to make sure he fully understands how wrong this is, and get to a point where I can trust he will never do it again. He also has always had a bad habit of complaining about our marriage problems, or my FLAWS, to anyone who would listen, including women, and that is another big thing I need to feel secure about.

Guess I'm not as far along in my healing as I thought I was, huh?


BS: Me, 42.
WS: Him, 42.
Married 18 years on 11/03/08!
Together 20.
Two DDs: 17 and 13.
ONS 07/16/08.
D-Day: 07/18/08.
In R.

Posts: 390 | Registered: Jul 2008
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, January 31st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((rain))))

Just lots and lots of hugs.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, January 31st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rain7 -

During his POS phase...my H actually told me he thought it was okay to flirt at bars...that he would never "DO" anything...

He said that "all men do this...not to be with that person but just to check and make sure they've still GOT IT".....

I disagreed, and disapproved, but because I never thought he would cross that line, I didn't worry about it.

Give me another


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
rain7
♀ Member
Member # 20336
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, January 31st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I've always considered my H to be a flirt, too. He will never admit to it, but that's how women take it. His favorite line used to be "flattery will get you everywhere." Only said to women, of course, and I truly do believe his intentions weren't bad, but how the hell does he think someone takes that? I finally pounded it into his head that he can NEVER say that to a woman again! How can I feel confident that he will change this behavior? He says that he now feels almost rude to women, because he is trying so hard not to do or say anything inappropriate. But the point is, he has to TRY. It is somewhat of a struggle for him, and he never saw it as a problem to begin with. Not the incident in the bar; he knows that was a problem, but just his general demeanor with women. Growing up, he always related better to women, because men don't talk about their feelings as much, and he is a HUGE talker. Most of his friends were girls in high school.

Sorry, I'm rambling again, and the more I talk about this, the more it worries me. Like I said, I think we need to have a talk about this very soon. He is honest to a fault, so I think I can trust what he tells me, but what if this is just so ingrained that he does it without even realizing? Plus, here's another fact: He believes that the ONS was an anomoly, a perfect storm, and not something that indicates any underlying issues he needs to address. Can that be true? Should I be worried about that?

[This message edited by rain7 at 1:09 PM, January 31st (Saturday)]


BS: Me, 42.
WS: Him, 42.
Married 18 years on 11/03/08!
Together 20.
Two DDs: 17 and 13.
ONS 07/16/08.
D-Day: 07/18/08.
In R.

Posts: 390 | Registered: Jul 2008
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, January 31st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just getting caught up on this thread, haven't looked at it in a few days for various reasons.

rain, you definitely need to talk to him.

i am so so glad this thread is getting more activity now. even though the wound is just as real and hurts just as much, and i hate that you all have experienced it, it helps to know i am not alone.

so, i went and met my h on his layover this week. this is the first time i have actually been able to do this (with kids, and my job, etc. the last time we tried, i didn't make it cuz flights were canceled). after some concern with whether i would even make it or not, due to canceled flights, i did make it and actually joined his flight on the last leg of the trip, barely, with no time to spare (the flight attendants were even joking about how they were holding the flight for the first officer's wife (me) not actually true, since they were holding for passengers on the flight i came in on, but...)

anyway, we got to the hotel, and both were tired and laid down to rest for a bit before going out.

well, what does one do when in a hotel room with their s? i don't know about you, but...

we were getting, ahem, physical. and, what just wouldn't leave my mind was the picture in my head of him with her. (happened in a hotel room, on a layover, with a flight attendant). during the two legs of the flight, i kept getting flashes...(please, no offense to flight attendants...but...since that is who it happened with, and, of course, there were flight attendants on the flight...sorry, trigger, but manageable. the flight attendants were all very professional and took good care of me).

anyway, i had to stop. he was wonderful about it, just held me and told me it was okay. he didn't even have to ask what was wrong. so he held me, we took a nap, then got up and went walking around the waterfront, then to dinner.

later that evening, after he drew me a hot bath, then we went to bed, things went much better...

hopefully this means i have taken hotels back from her. we'll see, i guess, next time i go.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
9years
♀ Member
Member # 21212
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, January 31st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I couldn't remember what clothes H was wearing, on the night of. I think he does though, cause we were going out on a date the other night and he couldn't find a shirt to wear. I asked him wear the green thermal type shirt was. It was in his drawer and he pulled it out and said 'this one' with kind of an odd look on his face. He kind of seemed like he didn't want to wear it, 'cause it doesn't match' well what doesn't go with jeans, I was thinking. Anyways he did wear it, and I didn't think about it till after. I still don't know why he didn't want to wear it. I just know that it pisses me off that I trigger at my outfit that was brand new, and I will NEVER be able to replace it for the price I paid. Also this may be tmi but we used to 'get it on' in our vehicles, when we had a chance. I always thought it was fun, I won't now for a long time.


Dday october 9 2008 (ONS)
3 kids (12,9,6)
Dday Oct 10/08, Officially started R July/09, Started drinking again July/10, Separation Nov/11, Last shot June/12, Officially, mutually done jan/13.

Posts: 1865 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: BC, Canada
Wind Knocked Out
♀ Member
Member # 22586
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, January 31st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I was here with better news, but I'm now single.

Wow. I truly thought we were doing so well, talking things out and working towards R.

Turns out I was wrong. Last night, as I got home from work, he was dressed and had a backpack full of clothes. He told me that he'd been of two minds about whether we should stay together or not, and up until now, his gut had always said to stay and try. Now, though, he said his gut is telling him that it won't work.

He left to stay somewhere else for the weekend (probably his brother's) and is planning to move out as soon as he can. He's giving me some rent so that I can decide what to do with our place, but made it clear that this wasn't a break or separation, but it was just the end and wasn't going to change.

After the emotional roller coaster since D-Day, I hate to say it but I didn't have a tear left. I was calm, and am still calm now. I didn't sleep at all last night, other than dozing off for a few minutes here and there.

What kills me is that as a result of ONS, I've really been doing some major soul searching about our relationship and my role in making it not what we wanted. I really think that I had not been taking ownership along the way and should have been a better listener, been more willing to compromise, been able to talk to him without making every issue into an emotional gauntlet. I've been thinking of all the ways to change these behaviors in myself, including IC and MC.

But I'm too late. The best thing that ever happened to me is over because I couldn't see it before.

I don't recognize my life, I can't imagine my future, I don't believe he's gone, I can't believe I let this happen.


BGF(31)
One of my favorite movies has a line in it: "It has to hurt if it's to heal."
I was already broken when my relationship fractured. He hurt my heart terribly, but I decided to heal that and the rest of me, too. THAT's my NB.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Jan 2009
rain7
♀ Member
Member # 20336
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, January 31st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Wind Knocked Out)))))

I am SO SORRY to hear that! I wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel better, but I know there's not. The only advice I can give you is not to take on so much of the blame for this. Don't beat yourself up for the way you reacted to what he did. You should have had the chance to get through this however you needed to. It's not your fault that he couldn't give you the time.

HUGS. This just sucks so much and I'm so sorry you're going through it.


BS: Me, 42.
WS: Him, 42.
Married 18 years on 11/03/08!
Together 20.
Two DDs: 17 and 13.
ONS 07/16/08.
D-Day: 07/18/08.
In R.

Posts: 390 | Registered: Jul 2008
9years
♀ Member
Member # 21212
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, January 31st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do not blame yourself, he made a big mistake and is taking the easy way out. I'm so sorry. ((((hugs))))


Dday october 9 2008 (ONS)
3 kids (12,9,6)
Dday Oct 10/08, Officially started R July/09, Started drinking again July/10, Separation Nov/11, Last shot June/12, Officially, mutually done jan/13.

Posts: 1865 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: BC, Canada
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, January 31st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wind, I am so very sorry

Please don't blame yourself. I wish I had something wonderful to say that would take away your pain.

I am just so sorry. I wish I could hug you IRL right now.

(((((((((((wind))))))))))))


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
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