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User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread
bummedhusband
♂ Member
Member # 22558
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, February 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes I asked those questions, and got what I think was an honest answer, so I did work on my issues- not that there's an excuse- if someone is that unhappy they should leave the marriage before adultery IMHO. Well anyway I have tried to work on my issues, but the more I saw a seemingly one-sided effort the less enthused I became- to the point of giving up. ITSPJW, it sounds like your husband is truly thinking through his answer, so good luck to you.


Me: BH 49yo, Married 20+years
DD: April 2008
Divorce was final in February 2009

Posts: 268 | Registered: Jan 2009
Pugwash5
♂ Member
Member # 10430
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, February 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bummed-

You ask a fair question, and I can't answer if anyone has left over this. I suspect so, but I did not.

For me, it was a HUGE wake up call for me to begin reexamining and reevaluating my life and my marriage. It affected me deeply.

It sounds like this has happened to you, as well.

Your relationship needs examining, and if you cannot do it with your spouse, you have a big start of an answer right there. If you need to do it yourself, or have, you will come to your own conclusion. Follow your gut, and follow your heart.

I wish I could tell you what to do. Some will try, but the answer is within you.

I agree, adultery is never the answer, but sometimes it is for people too weak or spineless to confront their spouses with truths that are evident only to themselves.

Feel free to PM me if you want to discuss it with me.

Pug


It matters not how strait the gait, how charged with punishment the scrolls, I am the master of my fate, the captain of my soul...

The Present is the living sum-total of the Past.

Filed for divorce 8-4-10
Three incredible kids 18,14, 11
Her:


Posts: 341 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Northeast
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, February 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bummed... I agree with Pug. It's easy to say "if my significant other cheated on me I would leave, no matter what." But when you're in the situation (and with a truly remorseful spouse) it's different. Especially when there are children involved.

All I've read on surviving this kind of thing is that divorce is not the "easy" solution. It doesn't erase the hurt of the betrayal, and it doesn't erase all the good times you had with your spouse. So the decision needs to come from a place within you that feels that going (or staying) is "right" for you.

I think all of us in this forum can agree that it's hard either way.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
devistatedlost
♂ New Member
Member # 22689
Default  Posted: 4:58 AM, February 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read a post here and it described my situation. My loving wife of 18 years picked up a 20 something kid in a bar and had sex with him in the parking lot. It was not premeditated and involved a lot of alcohol. We drink often but she seldom drinks to excess. We were celebrating my sisters birthday and having a great time. I was playing a fgame of pool while she danced with my brother and others. She loves to dance and I have never had a problem with that up to know. Why should I worry right? Wrong. I found her with the guy in the parking lot after beiong missing for about 20 minutes. She was a different person that night. Se showed no remorse for what she had done and was totally defiant to me. I have only seen that a few times in the 18 years we have been marrried. I have always been there to control the situation. It has never been to the extent (to my knowledge). I believe there is a threshold that she cannot cross with alcohol. As I said it is rare but this time it had devistating effects. We love each other and have a lot to work on in our relationship. I will never excuse the behavior and am searching for answers to why this happened to me.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Feb 2009
Pugwash5
♂ Member
Member # 10430
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, February 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dev-

First, I am truly sorry for your pain, and that this has happened to you. There are many questions, and unfortunately, at this time, few answers.

Why did she do this? How are you supposed to react? How are you to deal with your raw emotions of rage, jealousy, anger, betrayal, and incredible hurt? where does this leave your marriage?

To the last question, as your nom de guerre suggests, devestated.

You two do have a lot of work to do.

As importantly, your soul is now like a car that has gone through a massive mud puddle. Until the wind shield wipers start to work, you will be groping in the dark for answers. Those wipers will come on painfully slowly, so this puzzle will begin to take shape in pieces. Trust your gut. If you can, seek professional help, both as a couple, and on your own. And be aware, while driving in this condition, you will hit potholes.

Your marriage isn't over, but it is damaged. How you two can rebuild at this point, is the question.

For yourself, treat yourself well. You will have rouble sleeping for a while. There is a product called Night Rest that I found, which aided me in getting 5-6 hours of uninterupted sleep.

You will be prone to emotional swings, and this is normal, from feelings of compassionate forgiveness, to rage and hatred to your spouse for leaving you feeling this way.

This will be one of the truly difficult things you will ever encounter in your life, and the ripples of her actions are huge.

Be careful who you tell, and take their advice with a grain of salt. You may hear a lot of "if this happened to me, she would be histort so fast that..." They don't know if they haven't been there. Period.

It is a long road, but you will emerge a stronger person for it. Focus on what you want and need from your marriage. In the long run, this will be your salvation.

Best of luck.

I will be here if you want to chat.

Pug


It matters not how strait the gait, how charged with punishment the scrolls, I am the master of my fate, the captain of my soul...

The Present is the living sum-total of the Past.

Filed for divorce 8-4-10
Three incredible kids 18,14, 11
Her:


Posts: 341 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Northeast
bummedhusband
♂ Member
Member # 22558
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, February 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the replies- I guess my problem is that the ONS was really resulting from a premeditated myspace thing, and the only reason it was an ONS is that I caught on. After that her midlife crisis lifestyle kept up, though possibly (hopefully) w/o the affair, I moved out, which in retrospect was probably a mistake, since it just kept the door open for her to do what she wants and stay 'married'. Now (at least before I filed) we could go out and have a good time, but I know she still lies to me quite a bit, which I cannot handle any more. Yes, this divorce completely sucks, and I'm still not sure it was the right thing to do, but the separation was also killing me- there's no easy answers in this screwed up journey!


Me: BH 49yo, Married 20+years
DD: April 2008
Divorce was final in February 2009

Posts: 268 | Registered: Jan 2009
Pugwash5
♂ Member
Member # 10430
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, February 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bummed-

Easy answers, no. Answers, yes.

They come from inside you. She violated the most sacred covenant of your marriage vows. I am no puritan, just a guy who took my vows to heart.

You have forged your direction. If you have done it without really exploring your marriage, and relationship, it may not be too late to reverse field. It doesn't sound like you have a willing partner in this, and this may be a problem.

But you need to focus on what you want and need from your marriage, and you will begin to see clarity.

These are difficult times. You will emerge stronger.

Pug


It matters not how strait the gait, how charged with punishment the scrolls, I am the master of my fate, the captain of my soul...

The Present is the living sum-total of the Past.

Filed for divorce 8-4-10
Three incredible kids 18,14, 11
Her:


Posts: 341 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Northeast
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, February 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its so nice to see this thread get so many posts lately.

Dev, I'm so sorry you find yourself here.

I will never excuse the behavior and am searching for answers to why this happened to me.

That's good you're not going to excuse it or sweep it under the rug. Finding the answers is the really tough part. I know this is very recent for you and I hope you know you did nothing wrong for this to happen to you. As time passes, you will slowly gain your strength back and start to question moreso how she could do this to herself. I think we're pretty much all in agreement that alcohol plays a huge factor, but crossing the line to the physical/sexual part is a whole other mess.

The danger people can put themselves and their spouses in by having a ONS is still mind boggling to me. They don't know the OP, the risk of STDs, etc.... I guess perhaps that is part of the thrill but it is still one that will never make sense to me.

Pug and bummed said it perfectly. Your marriage isn't over, but it is damaged. How you two can rebuild at this point, is the question.

there's no easy answers in this screwed up journey!

[This message edited by ohpuhlease at 7:49 AM, February 3rd (Tuesday)]


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
bummedhusband
♂ Member
Member # 22558
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, February 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So how was ya'lls marriage before and after the affair? On mine, before the affair we had really drifted apart. Financial, how we dealt w/kids, really almost every issue we didn't see eye to eye on, and eventually we just quit fighting and really quit talking. I don't think I was the one to withdraw, but after awhile you do feel like why bother. As far as afterward, I don't think I ever got a from the heart apology, and as far as the lies go, it's more like I'm not giving her enough space, so this prompted her to get a secret cell phone to talk to one of her myspace buddies for instance. I do agree divorce isn't a simple solution, either way sucks IMO. Pug, you seem to be reconciled- did you and your wife separate or was she immediately remorseful and you guys were able to make the necessary changes after you both realized how off track things were?


Me: BH 49yo, Married 20+years
DD: April 2008
Divorce was final in February 2009

Posts: 268 | Registered: Jan 2009
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, February 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi again. Iíve been lurking around. Not willing to post because I havenít been in a good place.

Its Ė Iím right there with you

i'm sorry i haven't been around much...you know how we all go through those times when all we can think about is what happened, and how do we deal with it? that's where i've been for a while.

i wanted to ask a question. actualy, i wanted to ask all of you if you have asked your spouse a question. i asked my wh how he could let himself do this, and how can i have any reassurance it won't happen again. he tells me he is working on the answer--and i believe him, because even today, he told me he just wanted me to know he is still working on that, but he is still trying to figure out how to put it in words and have it come out the way he means. my h has a hard time with words and explaining himself, so i can see that.

Bummed Ė this is my bitch almost daily (mostly in my head)
if someone is that unhappy they should leave the marriage before adultery IMHO.
Pug Ė you said
But you need to focus on what you want and need from your marriage, and you will begin to see clarity.
Which is so true for me. I find myself these days though, not even knowing what I want, because I was disillusioned into believing in the faithful fairytale.

Some days I want to kick his cheating ass to the curb, other days I want him to grab me and hold me and tell me everything is going to be fine, and then I am just disgusted. My head and heart are in such chaosÖ I donít even think I would be functioning if I didnít have a 2 year old.

Today is his birthday. I couldnít even bring myself to get him a card. i bought him a coffee and a muffin and took to him at work. That seems pretty big from my side.

[This message edited by whathappenedtome at 2:08 PM, February 3rd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
bummedhusband
♂ Member
Member # 22558
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, February 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Which is so true for me. I find myself these days though, not even knowing what I want, because I was disillusioned into believing in the faithful fairytale.


I hear ya- unfaithfulness never was even on my radar- totally our of left field. It throws you into such a tailspin you don't know which way is up, not to mention what you want anymore. My kids are much older- 18 and 15, and I 'think' they are somewhat adjusted to us being separated/on the road to divorce, but who knows. I still don't know what I really want- actually, I don't want any of this- it's just picking what you think is the lesser of all evils and hoping you're doing the right thing. I think I simply have run out of patience!


Me: BH 49yo, Married 20+years
DD: April 2008
Divorce was final in February 2009

Posts: 268 | Registered: Jan 2009
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, February 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So how was ya'lls marriage before and after the affair?

Great question!


We had most certainly grown apart. Not intentionally but because life got in the way. As you said, raising kids, working, building our home, both of us having to travel for work, etc....

I don't believe either one of us knowingly withdrew from the M, it was like we woke up one day being almost strangers.

That is when we should've both pulled our head's from our asses and did the work in our M. In fairness to my H, he did try to reach out to me but by that time, I was just far too angry and resentful at the way *I* had been treated. By this point, it was so difficult for us to let go of how bad the other had wronged us without even looking at he awfulness we had contributed as well. It took some pretty wild MC sessions for us to break that cycle.

I can laugh about it now because the preA stuff was ridiculous. For two very mature and intelligent adults, we behaved worse than 3 year olds.

We did alot of work on preA issues and at this point in time, I am very confident in saying all of that has been resolved. If we start to regress, one if not both of us is quick to point out that we are beyond that. We've learned the lessons. We know what we have is precious.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
Wind Knocked Out
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Member # 22586
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, February 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. That's hitting a nerve, Ohpuhlease. You're very lucky you had the chance to do that kind of work together.


BGF(31)
One of my favorite movies has a line in it: "It has to hurt if it's to heal."
I was already broken when my relationship fractured. He hurt my heart terribly, but I decided to heal that and the rest of me, too. THAT's my NB.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Jan 2009
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, February 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. We are both very lucky.

Alot of work and tears have gone into it.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, February 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what's kind of ironic is, before dday, i was looking for a way out. i was completely fed up with his lies, with it being all about him, his viewing of internet porn, and i suspected he had cheated, but didn't have proof. i had asked him straight out if he had cheated and he had told me no. i had gone to ic to talk through my marital issues to decide what to do.

the c encouraged me to bring him in for a session, but at that point i didn't want to. i wanted out.

the next week, i kicked him out. fortunately, the kids were gone at camp. he spent 3 nights away from home. during this time he took it upon himself to find a c and asked me to go with him. i refused. i told him if we ever saw a c together, it would be the c of my choice and when i wanted to. then he went on a four day trip, so was we were actually separated a week. he called me and told me that when he got back, he was going to come home so he could see the kids, since they had been at camp when he left. i couldn't deny my kids their father, so i said okay.

when he got to the house after his trip, he asked me 'should i unpack my suitcase?' and i told him he could. when it was time for bed, he asked me where he was sleeping. i told him he could sleep in our room.

from that point on, he was a changed person. he made a complete turnaround in his behavior. i went and saw c once or twice more by myself, and he kept encouraging me to bring my wh with me to c.

so, finally, i bring h with me. we had 3 sessions working on our marital issues. i was waiting for us to get to what i was doing wrong, but we never did. most of the sessions were spent talking about his behavior and how it affected me, and what he needed to do to change.

so, in the fourth session (which i didn't realize at the time was on sept. 11) we started the session talking about foo. we finished with him, and c turned to me. i said, before we go there, i have something i really need to talk about. c says okay, so i confront wh about cheating. the c jumps in and reminds him that he is working on being honest, and he needs to tell me the truth even if it is something i don't want to hear.

after the longest pause ever (at which point both c and i knew the answer) wh said, 'there was one time'

of course, at this point, i can't talk. the c starts asking him the questions i'm sure he knows i need the answers to.

i have to give kudos to our c. we went over our time by at least 20 or 30 minutes. i then went and saw him a couple of times by myself again, then brought wh back with me.

the ironic thing is that now i had my way out--and i didn't want out! i had started to see a glimpse of the man i married, and i wanted him back.

so, here we are almost 5 months later still working on it.

sorry, started to ramble, but it was good to get that out.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
bummedhusband
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Member # 22558
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, February 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's interesting itspjw- Our marriage was not too great either, and I was considering a way out. The affair kind of brought it back home to me that I really did love her and didn't want out after all. I doubt she does either when it's all said and done, but I can't get her to go to counseling- it's weird, but I'm almost hoping that we can go through this divorce, it will perhaps teach both of us a serious lesson about each other, and perhaps some day we can reconcile- but then we can go through 'premarital counseling', figure out how to deal with finances, truth, trust, etc., and start back on an equal footing. I know it sounds strange, but the affair really drove a stake through things for me anyway.


Me: BH 49yo, Married 20+years
DD: April 2008
Divorce was final in February 2009

Posts: 268 | Registered: Jan 2009
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, February 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bummed

The affair kind of brought it back home to me that I really did love her and didn't want out after all.

that's exactly what happened with me.

i'm sorry your wife won't go to mc. that is the only reason my h and i are still together trying to r.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, February 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the most ironic things about my personal situation is that my husband (fiance at the time) was always very self-righteous about how far above such "collegiate" behavior he was that his co-workers were partaking in. That's why, though I knew he went to karoke bars with co-workers and some crazy stuff happens there (I knew all about the prostitution-- he'd told me about what his co-workers had done before), I always felt safe. I felt that this kind of thing was completely, and totally below him.

He maintains that it is, and that he is completely ashamed of what he did. One of the biggest things I am struggling with is that even though we were 7000 miles apart when it happened, we were weeks before getting married and very, very happy. I wish I could pinpoint something that was "wrong" between us, something that might have set him off, but I can't.

In that way, every day is a threat. And all we do to "reconcile" just gets us back to the place we were when this happened-- happy.

All, I appreciate the kind words of support on this thread. I am barely three months from D-Day and not a single one of my friends or family knows what I'm going through. Thank you for sharing and reading.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, February 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((1Marley)))


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
rain7
♀ Member
Member # 20336
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, February 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To the quetion of how they let themselves get in the situation, and how you can feel secure it won't happen again, that has been one of my biggest struggles. The only concrete reason I've been given is how drunk he was. Dev, I believe my H also has a 'point of no return' threshold with alcohol. I just never thought it would lead to him cheating.

Our marriage had gotten to a not-so-great stage over the years, as well. I thought we were coming out of it, but H wasn't so convinced. And he ALWAYS told me what my faults were, so I can't say he didn't try to tell me. Problem was, he told me too much, way too often. He was always the put-upon, wronged party, no matter what. I could NEVER top him in the complaint department. So, over the years I withdrew. I openly admitted it to him. I quit taking any of his issues to heart, because I knew there would always be another. But through it all, we always loved each other, and always wanted to save the M. But in the past couple years, he had gotten to a point I thought he would never get to...he started thinking about how it would be if we didn't make it...started entertaining the possibility that we might not. See, I have such a strong sense of self, and inner happiness, that I could put up with all the bullshit, maybe withdraw a little, but still be happy, and think that I had a good M. So when he couldn't do that, it really pissed my off! I would think, I put up with all your shit, why can't you put up with mine? Which made me believe that he really couldn't love me as much, or he would. Which wasn't true, of course. He just doesn't know how to settle, and I do. It is what it is.

Okay, this is getting way too long, but I need to get this out! Since his ONS, from D-day on, he appreciates me more than he ever has. He (so far) doesn't see the faults that he used to see. He feels that I have given him the greatest gift and proven my love for him in a way he never felt before. It really has given us a new lease on our M and our life together. Do I get suspect, and wait around for him to go back to his old ways? Sure. But his new attitude towards me has allowed me to be more loving toward him, and to actually give him some of the things that were lacking before, some of the things that made him unhappy. He would let things spiral down into negativity, and he doesn't really need much in the first place, but when he doesn't get it, he kind of freaks out and magnifies every little aspect of our M.

Alright, I've rambled enough, but it's like epiphany o'clock for me right now, and it's also Wine:30 (that's a time, by the way) Thanks to all of you for the unique insight that I can only get from this forum!!! I wish the best for all of you!

Thought I was done, didn't you? I had to add one more thing that is CRUCIAL to my being able to get past this. H is the most loyal guy I have ever met, aside from this one blemish on his record, AND, and this is big, he has always made it abundantly clear that I am the most beautiful, sexiest woman in the world to him, and that I am the ONE. He has never wavered in his primal animal attraction, love, and lust for me, and I know that without that I probably couldn't have continued in the M. My pride wouldn't have allowed it.

[This message edited by rain7 at 9:52 PM, February 3rd (Tuesday)]


BS: Me, 42.
WS: Him, 42.
Married 18 years on 11/03/08!
Together 20.
Two DDs: 17 and 13.
ONS 07/16/08.
D-Day: 07/18/08.
In R.

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