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User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread
rainbowlittle
♀ Member
Member # 22334
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1 Marley, I dentify with what you said so well.
My WH too has always spoken disparagingly about these things and also talked with me quite openly about his collegues escapades etc. I never thought he could do something like this. And to top it all he is such a germiphobe, very high on hygiene and have high moral standards for me ....i dont bloody understand this at all.

One of the most ironic things about my personal situation is that my husband (fiance at the time) was always very self-righteous about how far above such "collegiate" behavior he was that his co-workers were partaking in. That's why, though I knew he went to karoke bars with co-workers and some crazy stuff happens there (I knew all about the prostitution-- he'd told me about what his co-workers had done before), I always felt safe. I felt that this kind of thing was completely, and totally below him.
He maintains that it is, and that he is completely ashamed of what he did. One of the biggest things I am struggling with is that even though we were 7000 miles apart when it happened, we were weeks before getting married and very, very happy. I wish I could pinpoint something that was "wrong" between us, something that might have set him off, but I can't.

In that way, every day is a threat. And all we do to "reconcile" just gets us back to the place we were when this happened-- happy.


Bad marriages don't cause infidelity; infidelity causes bad marriages.
-Frank Pittman


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2009
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it is one specific point in time when a FWS thinks 'I'm going to go have a ONS'.

As many FWS have pointed it, once you begin by lowering your boundaries (which is helped along by alcohol intake)the slippery slope begins. Also, as many FWS have pointed out, this was ego boosting being done by the OP. I guess if you are already in a not so good space in your head and in your heart, a bit of ego stroking from an OP goes a very long way.

It's really important to remember that even though there were difficulties at home, the final step was the sole decision of the FWS. I've said many times before to my H, I was in the same M as he was and that is not the path I took. I don't intend it to be that I was on the higher road, but to focus on his reasoning as to why he decided to handle things the way he did.

After this length of time in R and the amount of work we've done, I've come to appreciate that I have to be okay with believing he would never allow this to happen ever again. There are the words and the actions but there is no magical little box that he can give me that says 'I won't do it again'.

As wonderful as all that could be, I have to find that peace within me. I'm not around him 24/7 nor do I want to be. I still check his email and phone at times, but I'm getting tired of that too. If he is set on doing this again then so be it.

It damn near killed me the first time so I know I wouldn't be sticking around for a second time. Not again. That is my boundary.

[This message edited by ohpuhlease at 7:48 AM, February 4th (Wednesday)]


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my wh first lowered his boundaries by talking to her about me and our marriage problems.

he lowered them more by drinking.

he lowered them even more when he let her in his hotel room (she gave him some story about her tv in her room not working...yeah, right).

and obviously the boundaries were completely forgotten when they somehow ended up naked and vertical


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Devestatedx5
♀ Member
Member # 16557
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep.
First, the boundaries were lowered, then they were knocked over, then they were *gone*.

"Hanging out with" men of VERY questionable character.
Getting drunk.
Going to a strip club in a country were prostitution is legal.
Drinking a few more.
Asking a prostitute to come over and sit with him to talk.
Allowing co-worker to *pimp* a deal.
Waiting around in hallway while prostitutes changed into street clothes.
Getting into van and having driver drive them all to a "motel".
Walking behind said prostitute while she got the key to the room and signed in.
Going into the room, shutting the door.
Watching as she removed 2 condoms from her purse.
Watching her strip.
Allowing her to strip him.
Laying back on the bed.
................

Too bad folks don't see how quickly and "easily" infidelity can occur with just ONE lowered boundary.

[This message edited by Devestatedx5 at 12:39 PM, February 4th (Wednesday)]


FBS-me (49)
FWH(57) ONS 8.19.07
Dday: 9.19.07
Married +26 years
RE-MARRIED 4.28.11
----------
Proverbs 31:10-31
Sometimes people are SO open-minded that that their brains fall out.

Posts: 2598 | Registered: Oct 2007
Odeilia
♀ New Member
Member # 22705
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a WS who had a ONS. The hardest part next to shattering my husbands heart, and our otherwise peaceful, happy life, is really not being able to rationalize why I did it.
Yes, I was drunk. It seems that a lot of ONS's happen that way (I have sworn off alcohol!). What is most heartbreaking to me, is that I risked so much, for so little, and I cannot, no matter how hard I try, understand why I would do that. I don't know where I went that night.
It's so scary to completely loose oneself like that.


WS (me) - 26
BS - 26
DDay- December 6 2008

"I choose to live and to
Grow, take and give and to
Move, learn and love and to
do what it takes to step through."


Posts: 11 | Registered: Feb 2009
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the thing is, there have been times when i was vulnerable enough and drunk enough that i don't know if i could have said no. what saved me is not getting into a situation where i had to say no when i was that weak.

devastatedx5, just read your profile. it's nice to see a positive outcome like yours. it gives me hope.

i hope that on my 1st dday (which will be your second, since we have the same dday) i will be like you and not have a problem with it. however, i don't have a date for his ons (it happenened 9 or 10 years ago), so i am concerned that dday will be hard for me like the date of your h's ons was for you.

may i once again say how glad i am that this thread is getting so much more activity?

(((hugs)))


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know where I went that night.
It's so scary to completely loose oneself like that.

Odelia, thank you for sharing.

I think the truly saddest part is that even though the FWS lost themselves for one night, it sends the BS and the M into being lost for alot longer.

I didn't want my H to rationalize his ONS. I wanted concrete and solid reasons.

[This message edited by ohpuhlease at 1:29 PM, February 4th (Wednesday)]


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
serenity_08
♀ New Member
Member # 22342
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hello all...it's been a while since my last post. (SO had a drunken ONS as well, 3 months ago). he says he's doing his best to make it right with me (cut back drinking a lot) is what he's doing. our relationship pre-ONS was great except for one thing..Marriage. Everytime I brought it up, he got defensive and didn't want to talk about it much. he's been burned from his previous marriage which I understand but after 5 years together, I think I had proven that I'm worth it and I'm not his ex and that not all women are the same but he doesn't seem to get it.

So, I've been thinking a lot about myself and our relationship lately and I realized that the ONS was the wake up call for me. What am I doing with this man who is 44 years old (he's 10 years older than me) and cannot seem to see a good woman even if he gets hit on the face with it. I'm done waiting, I'm done feeling like a victim. he obviously doesn't know what he's got and clearly my best was not enough either. My love, devotion, dedication, patience is not enough. He tells me that he loves me but cannot seem to see us married. he says I make him happy but he betrayed me. So, it ends here. I have to move on. I said I will wait 6 months but 3 months is enough for me.


Posts: 11 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: ATL
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

serenity

Best wishes to you for knowing it's not going to work.

Do you have a plan now?


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
serenity_08
♀ New Member
Member # 22342
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ohp..

Yes, I'm moving out this Friday to a townhouse.

I know it's going to be hard but I have to do this for me.


Posts: 11 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: ATL
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

odelia, i think it is good for all of us to see the ws perspective. glad to see you here.

((((serenity)))) stay strong and take care of yourself.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
rain7
♀ Member
Member # 20336
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Serenity, it looks like your life is finally going to fit your user name! Best wishes.

Odeilia, it is good to hear the other side on this forum. I was just wondering today why there are no WS on this forum. Welcome, and keep sharing!


BS: Me, 42.
WS: Him, 42.
Married 18 years on 11/03/08!
Together 20.
Two DDs: 17 and 13.
ONS 07/16/08.
D-Day: 07/18/08.
In R.

Posts: 390 | Registered: Jul 2008
Pugwash5
♂ Member
Member # 10430
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bummed-

My marriage was not so hot before the ONS (it may have been more than an ONS, this is what she owned up to). She was hostile, and punishing, and I was unwilling to try to communicate, because it almost always led to a fight, or a lashing out on her part.

After I found out, I was shattered. She did reach out, and we had a period of hysterical bonding. Life settled into a kinder, gentler relationship, but in the end I am not being fed by our relationship. I can't believe she is either.

I told her six months ago I believed it was over. She asked me not to leave. I haven't yet, but feel it is over.


It matters not how strait the gait, how charged with punishment the scrolls, I am the master of my fate, the captain of my soul...

The Present is the living sum-total of the Past.

Filed for divorce 8-4-10
Three incredible kids 18,14, 11
Her:


Posts: 341 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Northeast
Pugwash5
♂ Member
Member # 10430
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Odelia-

Thank you for having the courage to post on this site. Although many of us feel the hurt and anger of being victimized in our relationships by this, I know there is another side, and the guilt and dismay of hurting those we love must weigh heavily.


It matters not how strait the gait, how charged with punishment the scrolls, I am the master of my fate, the captain of my soul...

The Present is the living sum-total of the Past.

Filed for divorce 8-4-10
Three incredible kids 18,14, 11
Her:


Posts: 341 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Northeast
pthomas
♂ New Member
Member # 22740
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I knew 20 years ago that something happened. I just knew it. For over 20 years I went through periods of doubt and questioning only to be told: you're wrong, nothing happened, why can't you believe me, I've told you everything, I don't know why you felt/thought/sensed that, this is not me.. it's you, I didn't act that way, you're ruining our lives, I can't help you, you need to stop, I can't take this anymore, this is abuse, etc., etc....

So, last month, she accidentally sent me an email intended for an ex-boyfriend who she started interacting with online through facebook. She did everything she could to intercept it... but I still got it. She was embarrassed but mainly angry that she got caught. That was the middle of December. She told me that what the email said didn't mean what I thought it did... she said it was simply a friendly exchange of emails and I misinterpreted... she didn't think it was a big deal.

I got into her computer and found out that wasn't the case. She was finally caught with indisputable evidence and couldn't effectively lie anymore. It was sexual in nature and she obviously enjoyed the interaction. Now that I knew some actual truth and could confront her about the very sure, self-righteous way that she was capable of lying, other things unraveled... every few days I would find out more. I found out she had oral sex with a guy while we were engaged, found out she cheated on me - had intercourse and god knows what else - one night 3 years after we were married - with a co-worker while I was out of town working my ass off. It was a one-time thing (I'm pretty sure - but what do I know?).

I knew about these things... don't ask me how, but I knew. She lied about them all along but I, like an idiot, held onto to the chance that I could be wrong. She was convincing, came up with all kinds of alternative explanations, after a while I would just let the doubts fade and figured I was just being paranoid and unfair.

It's uncanny how details that I had in my head - some that I never mentioned - turned out to be true.

I feel SO HUMILIATED! Why did I stay when I knew something was wrong with the stories and explanations? I KNEW WHAT I FELT WAS TRUE!! I realize these things were one-time instances, but the lying was ongoing for over 20 years! That's the real betrayal.

Plus, of course, the mental images of her enjoying other men are haunting me - killing me. I feel destroyed.

I'm so pissed. She knew that I had a relationship prior to her in which I was cheated on. She actually said to me while we were dating and after that she thought it was the lowest thing someone could do and would never, ever hurt me like that. She actually used that in answering/disputing my suspicions over the years, too.

So, what's wrong with me that these women want to cheat on me? I believe I'm a good man - I really do. I have 3 great kids, a good career, have always put the family first, good looking, intelligent, always knew my wife enjoyed sex with me, always have been attentive in that area as well as non-sexually. I know, sounds too good... I must be kidding myself, right? And maybe I am... but I've tried to be brutally honest about where I might have failed and I can't come up with any glaring issues/deficiencies - of course there were tough times on occasion, we fought like any other couple now and then, I can be stubborn and it's hard for me to admit when I'm wrong (but I usually can), there have been some tough financial times and other big stressors - but I just can't come up with something that justifies this type of treatment.

Then again, I feel like there must be some kind of "thing" about me that I don't see. 2 women in my life have betrayed me and I just don't get it... if for no other reason than because it's just plain wrong and unfair. (Wow, I just read that and I'm kind of mortified at how much I'm whining).

So, now what? You'd think I would have left in the first few minutes. I certainly thought I would. But no, I'm still here, trying to work it out... what the hell's wrong with me?

We have 3 kids still at home and I don't want to hurt them. Also, if I leave, the truth of what she did - and how I was too spineless to go with what I knew to be true - would come out and I can't deal with that additional humiliation.

Oh, did I fail to mention that I still love her? How sick is that?? I'm nothing but a weak, pathetic excuse for a man. I honestly feel that way - and there's no denying that it's true.

I didn't matter enough then, when she was with those other men (in fact, she said she didn't even think of me when it happened!!!). I didn't matter enough when she maintained all the lies for all of those years - she was fine with sacrificing me for her pride.

I barely want to be alive let alone have to decide whether to stay or go... whether to destroy what's left of my family by leaving, or destroy what's left of my self-respect by staying.

Why the hell didn't I matter enough for this to happen?


Posts: 2 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Colorado
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((pthomas))))

i'm typing through my own tears right now, so i don't have any advice, but i want to know you have been heard.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Devestatedx5
♀ Member
Member # 16557
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Odeilia

What is most heartbreaking to me, is that I risked so much, for so little, and I cannot, no matter how hard I try, understand why I would do that. I don't know where I went that night.
It's so scary to completely loose oneself like that.

Are you receiving any professional counseling? Drinking didn't cause you to cheat, but something inside of you "rationalized" (gave yourself permission) to do this.

In order to fully heal yourself, your marriage and your life, you need to find out why.

Seeing my own FWH/DH in so much turmoil over the fall-out of his ONS, I can understand (to a limited extent) what you must be going through, too.


FBS-me (49)
FWH(57) ONS 8.19.07
Dday: 9.19.07
Married +26 years
RE-MARRIED 4.28.11
----------
Proverbs 31:10-31
Sometimes people are SO open-minded that that their brains fall out.

Posts: 2598 | Registered: Oct 2007
bummedhusband
♂ Member
Member # 22558
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, February 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pug- you pretty much described my relationship also. Demands, defensiveness and hostility from my wife, causing me to pretty much shut down communication. Of course she might tell the same story, just switch the roles. We kind of settled into a kinder relationship after hysteria also, but I had moved out. I have also felt I wasn't getting what I need any more from the relationship, and I was totally turned off by her lifestyle, so I filed, she freaked out, and that's where we stand.

Odelia- hang in there- you made a terrible mistake, but you at least see that and aren't blaming others. I agree on the counseling that others have suggested, and work on making your husband know it won't ever happen again and that you are sorry!


Me: BH 49yo, Married 20+years
DD: April 2008
Divorce was final in February 2009

Posts: 268 | Registered: Jan 2009
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, February 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

pthomas,

Why the hell didn't I matter enough for this to happen?

As difficult as it is for us to hear because we have no choice but to deal with the fallout of our FWS actions, it's not about us. No, they didn't think about us, or if they did, it was brief and to justify that they somehow deserved this to minimze their own actions.

I think if any FWS could fully imagine the hurt and devastation an A can cause their spouse and families, they wouldn't travel down that road. That's why so many times after we hear 'I wasn't thinking and if only I had known.....'

Your W has her issues to deal with about this. She has to figure out what is broken within herself that accepting ego stroking from the OM validated her so much and to that extent. She has to figure out why she cannot accept a healthy, loving and caring M with you. I don't think it's so much what they are running to (false, fake and fantasy with OM) as it is about what they are running away from within themselves.

You didn't do anything to deserve this.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, February 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Opulease...
I think if any FWS could fully imagine the hurt and devastation an A can cause their spouse and families, they wouldn't travel down that road. That's why so many times after we hear 'I wasn't thinking and if only I had known.....'

I think the reason I am struggling so much (other than the obvious) is that my WH's first wife cheated on him (repeatedly) so HE DOES KNOW first hand about the pain.

I cannot comprehend how he would inflict this potential devastation on our daughter. He is so worried about me leaving him and someone else raising our daughter and I want to shake him and scream....WHY DIDN'T YOU THINK ABOUT THAT WHEN YOU WERE PUTTING YOUR PENIS IN HER????? And I have, but I guess I don't need to keep saying it, (but sometimes I do).

I cannot even type the ridiculousity (new word )of my recent informationů


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
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