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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread
3mtnlabbie
♀ Member
Member # 21948
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, February 8th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had a major setback on Friday night.

I have been highly suspicious, and rightfully so, since my h's ons.

One of the reason's he believes that our marriage was so crappy and got to be crappy was because he never voiced his feelings, he hid things from me such as denting my car, and regularly turned to internet and movie porn to satisfy himself sexually. Needless to say he didn't value me as his wife and I was constantly compared to other women in his head (that is my belief).

On Friday evening after a long day of two jobs, I got home and we were going to bed and we just got a new TV up in our bedroom that de-scrambles digital TV that we don't pay for so we get movie channels, digital, and HD stuff for free (please don't tell Comcast!).

I was being a smart ass and told him to show me the channels where he watched his porn. He got really silent as for the past two months he hasn't looked at it and has vowed not to. He then told me the channels and I asked him the last time he had watched it and it was two nights ago! He swears that it was the first time since the ONS that he had but it HURT me SO much.

I view porn as CHEATING on me! We have both read a book that was recommended to him called Every Man's Addiction.

He thought that if he watched it he would somehow test himself and not have to masturbate. Well what the FUCK. He obviously failed.

I think it is disgusting that he would feel the need to masturbate to the image of another woman. He has me and had sex with me less than 24 hours to his failed test.

It was like ripping off the scab to the wound he created.

Such a set back.

I'm sorry if somebody else feels otherwise, but there is no need to watch porn or masturbate if you have a spouse and center your sexual desires around that individual.

What a set back, and it even pissed me off more that he wasn't forth coming about it and was again hiding something from me.

FUCK IT. I HATE THIS AND I HATE HIM FOR DOING THIS TO US!


Me: BW 27 (January 1982)
Him: WS: 29 (June 1980)
Together - since 12/10/2002 (almost 7 years)
Married - 09/03/2005 (4 years - and kind of surprised we made it this far...)
Children - 3 (all fur babies)
His ONS - 11/29/2008

DDay - 12/01/2008


Posts: 90 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Rocky Mountains
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, February 8th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((3mtnlabbie)))))

no advice, just hugs.

my h had looked at internet porn on a few occasions. i don't believe he is doing it any more, but i can imagine how that felt for you.

i am so sorry.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, February 8th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3mtnlabbie... sending you all my e-support.

While I personally don't equate porn with cheating, I do believe that if you are so strongly hurt by it that your husband should respect that. ESPECIALLY in light of all you've been through.

I always just figured that my husband looked at porn... I always had the "every guy does it" mentality and thought it was okay. After finding out about the ONS, I feel differently. Especially since he described his feelings (or, what he remembers of the ONS) as being "like porn". Now, I see porn as something that desensitizes people to the nature of true intimacy. It trivializes what should be a sacred connection between two people.

Please talk to your counselor about this (and report back!) I'm interested to hear what he/she has to say about this topic.

Your husband needs to understand that now, more than ever, what is best for the BOTH of you and not just HIM need to take the forefront. Perhaps he can think of that the next time he's channel surfing.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
rainbowlittle
♀ Member
Member # 22334
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, February 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3mtnlabbie, I too like 1 Marley had the all guys see porn mentality and have at times even seen it together with WH and kind of joked about it...but now i feel differently. I guess it probably does work differently on male brains at least on some male brains and thats whyt there is so much common in cheating spouses who watch porn also.
I have asked (not demanded) my spouse that will he feel bad about trashing all his hard drive collection of porn (this is because i want him to understand and do it and not d oti because i tell him to. In that case i am sure he will go back to it.) and he said yes he will feel bad because its just viewing for timepass/fun nothing meaningful but yes why view it when you have your partner for your intimacy? unfortunately they dont see it that way. They are looking for sexual thrills and fantasy. And these are powerful things. The more you will insist the more underground they get. I had this problem (WH used to do it without my knowing it) and part of the reason why i told him to do it openly and in front of me....but now i think the allure of porn went away after coming out of hiding and so the need for sexual thrill got escalated to reality....dont know if i am right in thinking this way but its a no win situation as far as porn is concerned with guys.


Bad marriages don't cause infidelity; infidelity causes bad marriages.
-Frank Pittman


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2009
3mtnlabbie
♀ Member
Member # 21948
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, February 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the book Every Man's Battle would be very enlightening for us all to read.

It basically equates the way that men view women in general. They get sexual satisfaction from their mind, their body, and their eyes. When men are getting sexual satisfaction from their eyes, they don't need it from their spouses.

If our H's are being sexually satisfied by their eyes from another woman's image, why the hell do they have you?

And the book is great on explaining that men's minds do look for sexual satisfaction with everything.

There is no reason why a man should be finding sexual satisfaction from their eyes on another person's image. Period.

Sorry for such a strong viewpoint. I too had the mentality that most men do look at pron and it's a guy thing. But after this ONS I have really figured out that all Porn does is poison what men think of as being with just one person, making love, and sex. My husband had a whorped view of sex and our love life was existent for him. He was never meeting my needs, it was simply for his satisfaction.

In the past two months he looks at me differently, talks to me differently, and is in tuned more to me.

You can create fantasy for yourself in your mind and imagine your partner for the fantasy. There is no need to have a fantasy that is created for you on the TV and it is simply for him.

H get's it now. I think he is disgusted with his own behavior and he needs to be not only honest with himself but with me. I didn't have the view of pron as cheating because I was never aware of his behaviors with it. He was doing something and hiding it from me, and at the same time physically satisfying himself without me. There was basically no need for me sexually and that is something that a marriage needs to survive, being with each other in every way.

I think he is having to change for himself too. He is ashamed of his behavior and hasn't even been honest with himself.

Thanks for all the support you all!


Me: BW 27 (January 1982)
Him: WS: 29 (June 1980)
Together - since 12/10/2002 (almost 7 years)
Married - 09/03/2005 (4 years - and kind of surprised we made it this far...)
Children - 3 (all fur babies)
His ONS - 11/29/2008

DDay - 12/01/2008


Posts: 90 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Rocky Mountains
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, February 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not a good weekend.

I asked him for some space - I guess that is called a separation.


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, February 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i just triggered bad from a commercial h thought was humorous. he didn't get why it affected me so much.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, February 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i think my triggers happen because he DOESN'T GET IT... why don't they freaking get it?????????????????????????????????????????

Sorry its. huge hugs.


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
Tnkrbell23
♀ Member
Member # 22181
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, February 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the thread. Your timing is perfect. I was thinking if anyone else was going through my "stage."

WH was away on business trip out of country. Was involved in heavy drinking and late night bar hopping. 23 yr old woman starts paying special attention to my H. Long story short group would go back to hotel room and continue to party. She stayed and bam happened three other times on trip. You tell me what an idiot he was. One of last nights she comes up to my H with language translator and asks for money. "That's the way the work it down there.: So my H was an idiot. We are struggling with R big time. I can't move past it. That is my big question of the day. If I pretend or put it out of my mind, I can rebuild or act like I'm trying. But the moment I "go there" about the circumstances of him planning to meet me on the way back and what he did I shut down. We are in MC. He has recently gotten sober. Is there anyone out there willing to tell me what a dumb sh**t he was? My heart is broken. D-Day was in October 08. He is trying but honestly......You're never the same are you?


Posts: 64 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: L.A.
crushedlpn09
♀ New Member
Member # 22551
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, February 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been over a month since I found out about my WH's 3 ONS. 1#occurred during our first year of dating (I was jumping through hoops at the time to see him at least 3x/week, he was getting plenty of sex). #2 Happened while I was going to school out of state (Right before he proposed to me). And #3 was 6 months ago (after 6 years of marriage, one daughter, and while actively tyring to conceive a second baby-his excuse is that I was not giving him enough attention). Today has been a very hard day for me, I woke with another nightmare of him with other women. I just don't understand why I am the one dealing with all this pain when he is the one who caused all this. It angers me that I gave so much of me to someone who didn't deserve it . And I'm sorry, but I dont buy the excuse "I don't know why I did it." Some WS protective mechanisms are so strong that they refuse to admit to themselves, much less to others why they betray the people they allegedly love.
People keep telling me it's going to take time to heal. But I just can't wait any longer. I feel so down and rejected. I know it wasn't my fault. But I still feel rejected. It angers me that he would marry me if in his heart he knew he couldn't be faithful. I look at my daughter, and it hurts me that I have to decide between giving her a chance to grow up with two parents, or giving me a chance to walk away from the man who has hurt me more than anyone ever has.


BW (me) 33
WH 41
2yr daughter, 4months pregnant
DDay 1-02-09

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: New England
Tnkrbell23
♀ Member
Member # 22181
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, February 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the thread. Your timing is perfect. I was thinking if anyone else was going through my "stage."

WH was away on business trip out of country. Was involved in heavy drinking and late night bar hopping. 23 yr old woman starts paying special attention to my H. Long story short group would go back to hotel room and continue to party. She stayed and bam happened three other times on trip. You tell me what an idiot he was. One of last nights she comes up to my H with language translator and asks for money. "That's the way the work it down there.: So my H was an idiot. We are struggling with R big time. I can't move past it. That is my big question of the day. If I pretend or put it out of my mind, I can rebuild or act like I'm trying. But the moment I "go there" about the circumstances of him planning to meet me on the way back and what he did I shut down. We are in MC. He has recently gotten sober. Is there anyone out there willing to tell me what a dumb sh**t he was? My heart is broken. D-Day was in October 08. He is trying but honestly......You're never the same are you?


Posts: 64 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: L.A.
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, February 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks, what happened to me. why don't they get it? grrrr he said that after he saw it again (dvr technology is wonderful, i guess?) he realized whyit wasn't humorous at all, especially to me. i still think he should have gotten it the first time.

crushed and tnkr, hugs for you both!


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, February 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome tnkrbell and crushed.

I'm sorry you find yourselves here but I'm happy you found SI as a resource.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
Wind Knocked Out
♀ Member
Member # 22586
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, February 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The short version: we were definitely having some communication problems in our relationship. We were working on them, although without much success in part because I think we were looking at the wrong problems (at least, I know I was). He went on a trip with a friend, got wasted and made out with a girl at a bar. Told me about it, and that he'd done it to self-destruct our relationship but realized when he sobered up that that wasn't what he wanted and wanted to work through our issues to rebuild trust, etc. One more week skiing with his buddies, and another work-week at home, and he'd changed his mind. I came home from work and he told me he didn't think it would work and that he was done.

He's moving out on Thursday. The past week-and-a-half have been hell...he's staying out late so we don't cross paths, but that just means I think about where he's staying and who he's been with. He also told me that he's "avoiding" dealing with all of this stuff until he's on his own, and the result is that it's like a switch...he's now really cold and matter-of-fact.

I know that these are things he's doing to protect himself, but they still hurt.

I'm trying to build my own life, start yoga, reconnect with old friends. Things that stem from the personal growth I've been doing in response to this breakup. I'm not so strong yet, but I can see it coming down the line.

I just wish that after taking this time to clear his head and think about things, he'd realize that he DOESN'T want to do this, and that we really can work out the things that were wrong (I'm already far along the path as far as my own behaviors). I wish that he'd see what a treasure our relationship is and that he'll change his mind and we'll get to know each other again. I can only be patient...no begging or pleading. But I have this terrible feeling that now that he's chosen this path, he will refuse to deviate from it even if he desparately wants to. He's stubborn, and the idea of going through the pain, or the complicated issues associated with reconciliation, etc. will seem too great and he'll decide it's just better to start over.

Does anyone have a crystal ball? Does this ever actually happen after a breakup?


BGF(31)
One of my favorite movies has a line in it: "It has to hurt if it's to heal."
I was already broken when my relationship fractured. He hurt my heart terribly, but I decided to heal that and the rest of me, too. THAT's my NB.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Jan 2009
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, February 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((wind))))

Does anyone have a crystal ball?

I wish I did.

If you are into reading at all, try the book 'Broken Open' written by Elizabeth Lesser. I found it very helpful. Just be warned that she does speak about when she had her own A but I found her viewpoint very helpful.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, February 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i was picking up pictures today that my dd had sort of scattered, and came across an old work id of my h's.

from the company he worked for when he had his ons.

i was doing well today until i came across that.

he is out on a trip--his ons happened on a trip.

hate this.

edited because my key doesn't work and i had to cut and paste my d's

[This message edited by itspjw at 5:01 PM, February 11th (Wednesday)]


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, February 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((itspjw)))))

My H works away too and it took me so long to not let it bother me, particularly when I would trigger.

He is normally gone for 3 weeks then back for 4 or 5 days. This last trip at about the midway point, I was having a particularly shitty day and it felt like that heavy dark cloud over me again.

I had to fight my way out of that funk kicking and scratching.

I know what your saying, so I'm happy you could post to get some of the poison out.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Frustrated  Posted: 5:05 PM, February 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((its)))))

[i'm skipping caps for you ]

i'm sorry you are triggering.

i've been lurking for the last couple of days - unable to form a sentence to talk about my recent dilema.

i asked him to move out for a bit. he of course thinks everything is final. i said no, i just needed some space and time to think. he isn't GETTING it... so i thought too, this would be an opportunity for him to think about things. i told him... maybe you will never get it, and that is OK - i just need to know for me. he wants to GET it... but he wants ME TO SPELL IT OUT FOR HIM. HELL-F-ING-O... excuse me, but i don't think so. i don't want to tell you what to do. i want you to know what you need to be doing.

anyway, after spelling it out, loud and clear and making it known i wanted him out... monday we got back from city and he had to go deliver something and i told him to back an overnight bag and stay with his friend (since he would be up there anyway). he said, can i just go tomorrow? i was too tired from the trip to deal, so i said whatever.

on tuesday, i asked him not to pick up our daughter when he got off of work - i would do it and he should be gone by then (an hour or more to get his stuff etc.) when i got home HE WAS THERE.

daughter of course loves her afternoon daddy time and was jabbering and hugging on him... then i saw his face and it was red. he was crying and then he just held her and was sobbing and of course it KILLED me. so after all was said and done HE STAYED.

ugh - he did this, why do i feel bad? and i do want some space, but deep down, i didn't want him to go. i told him i didn't want him to go, but that every time i cave on something it feels like he gets in this comfort I DON"T HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT stage.... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, February 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks.

ohpuhlease, i can't imagine him being gone for 3 weeks then only home 4-5 ays. my h is gone 3-4 then home 3-4. at the time of the ons, he was gone about 18 ays, home about 12 (that was ba enough!)

whathappenedtome, i am apparently skipping d's now too, unless i copy an paste them! my d key oesn't work right now!

are you an h in mc?


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, February 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

its - yes, in fact we go tonight.

h thought that what i wanted him to communicate was the ons. i told him, when i want to know something about that i will ask you specifically.

what i want is for you to talk. for you to open up your big fat mouth and talk to me. for you to tell me what is going to be different in our m so we don't end up here again.

because.... a year plus ago i said to him... you're lying... lying leads to more lies... you're lying about stupid shit, stupid shit lies will lead to bad lies, and bad lies will lead to an affair (i don't even think i believed he would do this, but i did say this).

more soon.... boss back


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
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