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User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, February 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((whathappenedtome)))))

interestingly enough, my h and i talked about something similar yesterday in mc...

i aske, 'how did you let yourself do this, and how do i know you won't do it again?'

c gave h some ways to fin that answer, but i am still waiting for it...


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, February 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

whathappened...itspjw...
When you find out the answer to your questions with regard to how the hell this happened, please let me know.

Having a real hard time dealing with the anger the last few days. I've spent a lot of time snapping at my husband's insensitive comments (not about the ONS, but other things). Before, I would have brushed the little things aside, but I really can't right now. This morning a comment about a frozen bagel sent me through the roof.

Individual counselor today said that he thinks my past (I've had an interesting life, let's put it that way) is hindering me from putting the ONS in perspective. I guess the perspective I'm supposed to have (or supposed to get to) is that it was a horrible thing that can't happen again... but it doesn't define our relationship.

Hmmmm... not sure how I feel about that. I guess on one hand I understand that I "should" eventually feel that way, but on the other hand I think that's an oversimplification of the level of betrayal I feel.

Thoughts?


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, February 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

for me, right now, it is a horrible thing that probably won't, but could happen again, but it definitely does efine our relationship. how can it not? that doesn't mean we can't work our way to a better relationship than we ever had, but there is no way the infidelity can not have a major role in defining our new relationship--because we wouldn't be building a new one if not for that, right?

((((1marley)))) an (((((whathappene)

as soon as i fin an answer, i will let you know!


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Pugwash5
♂ Member
Member # 10430
Default  Posted: 5:12 AM, February 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMARLEY-

I am concerned with your IC making a comment about putting the ONS is "perspective".

Make no mistake, the infidelity of a spouse (or SO) is a life-altering event.
There is no perspective in which to put this. It is a bomb that has dropped on your life. No matter what experiences you have dealt with in your life, it cannot prepare you to deal with this.

I cannot sit out in blogland and make any time of call about your feelings, or your decisions, but it does not sound as if your IC has a solid grip on your feelings or what you are going through.

Just one man's opinion.

Pug


It matters not how strait the gait, how charged with punishment the scrolls, I am the master of my fate, the captain of my soul...

The Present is the living sum-total of the Past.

Filed for divorce 8-4-10
Three incredible kids 18,14, 11
Her:


Posts: 341 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Northeast
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, February 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

that doesn't mean we can't work our way to a better relationship than we ever had, but there is no way the infidelity can not have a major role in defining our new relationship--because we wouldn't be building a new one if not for that, right?

So true. We frequently hear how Ms survive because, or due to an A. The much better way to put it is that the M is stronger and better despite the A.


Marley, I would ask your IC to expand on this a bit more.

Individual counselor today said that he thinks my past (I've had an interesting life, let's put it that way) is hindering me from putting the ONS in perspective. I guess the perspective I'm supposed to have (or supposed to get to) is that it was a horrible thing that can't happen again... but it doesn't define our relationship.

One of the biggest hurdles for a BS in R is to accept they will never again have blind trust in their S. I really get frustrated when I hear people say, or try to put guarantees on things 'never' happenning again to us. For one, it is beyond our control. We will never have, nor would we want that type of control over anyone. It's not a healthy relationship if we try to control to that extent. The responsibility falls one the individual person who make the decision to engage in an A or not. If a FWS is going to do it again, at the end of the day, there is really nothing we can do to stop them. All we can do is hope and pray they have changed enough within themselves to never do it again.

All you can do is control yourself and how you can eventually get to that place of peace.

An an A will define the course of an M. An A also defines the course that we are willing to take within ourselves too. How can it not? It shatters us so when we start to rebuild, some of the pieces may be missing, some of the pieces have been glued back together and some pieces may be lost forever.

It's what both the BS and FWS do with the pieces that develop a healthy R and redefine the M.

Building a stronger foundation in an M after an A is grueling work. Is it worth it? It certainly is.

I guess on one hand I understand that I "should" eventually feel that way, but on the other hand I think that's an oversimplification of the level of betrayal I feel.

Try to replace the above word of "should" to "could". To me the word should gives us pressure while the word could gives us more option to feel how we want to feel.

[This message edited by ohpuhlease at 7:57 AM, February 12th (Thursday)]


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, February 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

imarley, i am curious, too, about what your c means about "putting it into perspective". i woul ask for some clarification on that. i am intereste to know what they say

An an A will define the course of an M. An A also defines the course that we are willing to take within ourselves too. How can it not? It shatters us so when we start to rebuild, some of the pieces may be missing, some of the pieces have been glued back together and some pieces may be lost forever.

so, so true.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, February 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,

Thanks for the feedback. My counselor (who is also our couples' counselor) said that what he meant by perspective was that I should see this incident as separate from hurts I've experienced in the past. I had an ex boyfriend who basically had a secret life outside of me, and a lot of the fears I have about my marriage now echo what happened to me before... basically that the ONS is only a small piece of some sort of secret life my husband has, and that he will do it to me again.

My counselor is also my husband's individual counselor, and he feels that my husband 'gets it' that he messed up and it can never happen again. I really think my counselor sees my husband, who is very articulate and charming, as a guy who made a one time mistake and me as someone who has a lot of baggage and needs help putting the ONS in perspective. I feel like he "sides" with my husband.

I'm not sure if that made sense-- I am so tired tonight. I am going to do some reflecting on this and figure out what I'm going to say in our couples' counseling next week. I have read books that say that a lot of issues that come from ONS come from the betrayed spouse making it a bigger deal than the act actually was. So maybe my counselor has a point. On the other hand, I don't want to dismiss this as anything less than the deepest betrayal of our trust.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, February 13th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Marley, I don't want to go against what your IC is saying so I'm just going to put this out there for you to think about...

what he meant by perspective was that I should see this incident as separate from hurts I've experienced in the past.

If you have unresolved stuff from the past, this situation has likely brought all of that at to the surface. Particularly if your H *knew* about what happenned in your past and he still made the dumbass decision to have a ONS!!! Not only was it selfishness on your H's part, but dismissive of what has hurt you in the past as well.

The other issue I have with this is that despite your history, you are still willing to R with your H. To me that says alot about your courage, character and the love you have for your H. If it was truly all about you and your issues, I don't think you would be putting so much effort in.

I feel like he "sides" with my husband.

I felt like this in our MC too so I changed. Can a ONS be a one time stupid thing? Yes, it certainly can. But SI has several members whose spouse went on to have much more as well. So if your H or IC can't see the seriousness of it for what it is, they are making a huge mistake. It's not like your H simply forgot to pick up milk on the way home after he promised you he would. The ONS has broken the very trust and foundationn of your M. So please tell your IC, this is some serious shit you are dealing with that is going to affect both of you in your M.

I have read books that say that a lot of issues that come from ONS come from the betrayed spouse making it a bigger deal than the act actually was.

In all the reading I've done, I've never heard of this.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
Pugwash5
♂ Member
Member # 10430
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, February 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

An affair, or specifically, an ONS can be the cornerstone of which a new, better relationship opens and ultimately thrives.

Much like the Marshall plan, when the US bombed, and ultimately obliterated Berlin and Munich, and agreed to help build it up again.

However, for this to happen, both parties must get on the same page, define their visions and goals, and begin working toward their singular purpose.

There is a certain additional weight on the WS, in that they must truly have remorse and an understanding of the depth of hurt of the BS.

The extra burden of the BS, is that they carry the hurt for the rest of their lives, and must compartmentalize it, and let themselves really only feel it at certain times.

As the German philosopher, Nietzche, once said "there is no such thing as destruction, only rearrangement."

Sadly, although most BS's do remember the excitement and deliciousness of seduction with some fondness, most look back at it without much upside.


It matters not how strait the gait, how charged with punishment the scrolls, I am the master of my fate, the captain of my soul...

The Present is the living sum-total of the Past.

Filed for divorce 8-4-10
Three incredible kids 18,14, 11
Her:


Posts: 341 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Northeast
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, February 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just checking in to see how everyone is doing on Valentine's Day.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, February 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

not too bad.this is my first vday since dday and i wasnt sure how i felt about it, but im feeling ok. he woke me up with coffee, flowers, chocolate, and a card in bed. then he got back in bed with me .

so far, so good...

how about you ohpuhlease? and everyone else?


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Devestatedx5
♀ Member
Member # 16557
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, February 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2nd V-day since D-day.
Last year was a painful blur. How much BETTER things are today - V-day aside.

Sitting here enjoying my first TWO dozen red roses and a box of Fannie May Pixies - my favorite.

Best of all, though, is that we are still together, love each other in a completely different manner and in a much greater depth than ever.


FBS-me (49)
FWH(57) ONS 8.19.07
Dday: 9.19.07
Married +26 years
RE-MARRIED 4.28.11
----------
Proverbs 31:10-31
Sometimes people are SO open-minded that that their brains fall out.

Posts: 2598 | Registered: Oct 2007
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, February 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

happy valentine's day, all!

[This message edited by itspjw at 1:32 PM, February 14th (Saturday)]


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, February 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My day is good. My H is away working until Tuesday. He's been gone for 3 weeks and we soooooo can't wait to see each other again.

I got my Valentine's Day text and phone call this morning so that made me happy.

Best of all, though, is that we are still together, love each other in a completely different manner and in a much greater depth than ever.

I know what you mean.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, February 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

okay, so then he proceeds to work on the computer for pretty much the rest of the day. then, after five oclock, he's like, well, do you want to go to dinner and a movie?

uhhh, NO!

he ad dd are out right now to buy me a bottle of rum and stuff to make breakfast for dinner.

then it guess we'll watch fireproof, since he rented it and we haven't watched it yet.

should prove to be an interesting vday.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, February 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let me know what you think of Fireproof.

And I am so jealous you get breakfast for dinner. I love doing that once in a while.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
3mtnlabbie
♀ Member
Member # 21948
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, February 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

K folks - I need some advice from the rest of you.

My H is an elementary school teacher and the OW is another teacher that is also in the same school as him.

I told him without a doubt, he could not teach in the same school as OW next year, I didn't care, don't care, and it isn't negotiable. He will not be in the same school, period.

With that being said, there was some talk previous to the ONS about the OW not teaching at that school anymore after this school year.

My H really loves his job and has a great set up with the department he teaches in (not with OW) but he likes the job. In a week or so forms will be coming out where they say if the intend to or not to say for the following school year.

He is worried about leaving his building and finding a new job if the OW moves. If she is in a different building, then he doesn't need to look for a new job...

I have offered to contact OW to find out about her intentions as I do not want H contacting her regarding this. It is kind of a BIG deal switching schools and if we don't have to go through a job search it would be really nice.

So - what would you do? Go through the job search even if it wasn't needed in the end? Let your H teach in the same school with OW and not make a change? Talk to OW yourself to find out if she is changing schools? Have H talk to her?

I'm lost...


Me: BW 27 (January 1982)
Him: WS: 29 (June 1980)
Together - since 12/10/2002 (almost 7 years)
Married - 09/03/2005 (4 years - and kind of surprised we made it this far...)
Children - 3 (all fur babies)
His ONS - 11/29/2008

DDay - 12/01/2008


Posts: 90 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Rocky Mountains
Pugwash5
♂ Member
Member # 10430
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, February 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3M-

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation, but glad you found us. It is a safe place, with many people who have experienced similar situations.

IMVHO, your husband made a decision that was life changing for himself, you, and your marriage. Nobody came out the better for it, and now he has some very adult decisions to make. If you are not comfortable with him working with his "fling", than he must stop, period.

He must make a choice to commit to you and your marriage, and this is the first step.

If he cannot, he is sending you a very strong message about your future.

Some may disagree, but this is the way I see it.

Pug


It matters not how strait the gait, how charged with punishment the scrolls, I am the master of my fate, the captain of my soul...

The Present is the living sum-total of the Past.

Filed for divorce 8-4-10
Three incredible kids 18,14, 11
Her:


Posts: 341 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Northeast
3mtnlabbie
♀ Member
Member # 21948
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, February 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Pug,
Thanks for the kick back. I've been on here for a while and it's exactly why I'm asking.

My H knows why I don't want him at the same school...

The problem is if he should start the job hunt for next fall if she is already planning on leaving. The talk before the ONS sounded very sure. So there is a chance she is leaving and he wouldn't have to do a thing.

We also can't afford our home, etc. if he doesn't find a new job. He gets it, he does. I don't want him in the same school as OW - so how do we go about finding out if she is leaving or not?

Hugs to all!


Me: BW 27 (January 1982)
Him: WS: 29 (June 1980)
Together - since 12/10/2002 (almost 7 years)
Married - 09/03/2005 (4 years - and kind of surprised we made it this far...)
Children - 3 (all fur babies)
His ONS - 11/29/2008

DDay - 12/01/2008


Posts: 90 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Rocky Mountains
9years
♀ Member
Member # 21212
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, February 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to toss in some new perspective on the perspective posts a little ways up When I read the thread
Individual counselor today said that he thinks my past (I've had an interesting life, let's put it that way) is hindering me from putting the ONS in perspective.
my first thought was the idea of separating facts from feelings. In my mind I have them separated like this
Facts
1.fwh ons was not about me or done to me, as a person.
2.fwh has to deal with having done it, I have to deal with my feelings about it.
3.fwh has low self esteem (they all do)
4.it changed our marriage.
5.No amount of ANYTHING is going to change the past.
Feelings
1.Scared
2.Alone
3.Fragile
4.So so very hurt
I know I don't need to go on with the feelings list, we all know. This was one thing I was able to do. Still working on alot of other stuff.


Dday october 9 2008 (ONS)
3 kids (12,9,6)
Dday Oct 10/08, Officially started R July/09, Started drinking again July/10, Separation Nov/11, Last shot June/12, Officially, mutually done jan/13.

Posts: 1865 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: BC, Canada
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