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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, February 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hugs ((((dbjl)))))

its:

i thought when he let her in his room he was just being stupid in it not occurring to him this could happen.

i can relate completely.

i imagine this has thrown you for a loop. have you decided if this will affect where you are in your r?

i think i now have to go down the road you did with your questioning. we have mc tonight, i may ask there.

i have asked questions like if he has done this before since married (or even not to me).

he has said time and time again that even though he took his ring off that he wasn’t *looking* for that to happen – which I haven’t been able to process as you know because its such an oxyMORON. i do believe that the situation he was in *happened* and he was too stupid to get out of it (obviously) but I want to know now if he had *thoughts* about it and that’s why he took his ring off.

ugh… i’m just sick about it for you.

ETA moron in caps(all respect its)

[This message edited by whathappenedtome at 2:18 PM, February 25th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, February 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ohpuhlease waves to dbjl

((((itsjpw and whathappendtome))))

Before I get into anything, I'm just going to minor vent a bit so pardon my language. But WTF is with women who go to mens rooms and the men who let them in???? Honestly, that's what happenned with my H and I know a few other members who used to post on SI whose H's ONS happenned the same way. Again...WTF????

Okay, vent over.

I've got lots to say over the 'thinking' part, but I just have to gather my thoughts so I don't sound ridiculous.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, February 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ohpuhlease, i am already sounding ridiculous, so no worries!


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
IndiantownGirl
♀ Member
Member # 20638
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, February 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes I think the LTA (and loving the OW) would have been easier. That alone would have been the decision. I could have left. But knowing that he's capable of being intimate with someone else and I would not know kills me. I just found out 8 mos ago that there was 2 sexual encounters during working hours with co-worker within a week apart approximately 6 years ago. I would never have known. I see her occassionally and we were friendly. The entire time she had this secret with my husband. She contacted him. Both of them have SOs. Both SOs were very hurt. I don't think it matters if it was ONS or LTA, PA or EA. The fact that someone you trusted and loved more than anyone has made us aware that they may not be there for us in the future. That sucks! I so look forward to the future with him.

[This message edited by IndiantownGirl at 3:02 PM, February 25th (Wednesday)]


BS-Me-1966
WH- Him-1959
Married 01/1995
D-Day-6/18/2008
No kids
Never going to "get over it". He can't take it back and I can't make it go away. Stupid bitch ruined my happily married after

Posts: 382 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, February 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it matters if it was ONS or LTA, PA or EA.

You're absolutely right. Hurt = Hurt.

itspjw...okay, here are my thoughts.

When my H had his ONS, our M was in the crapper. It's not even that we argued, it's that neither of us really gave a shit anymore. If I am to be totally honest where my head was at just prior to his ONS, I honestly don't think I would've cared who or what he was thinking about. After he told me about the ONS, that is when my world caved in because at that moment in time is when I realized just how much he and my M meant to me.

Again, to be completely honest, did I think of my life without him if we ever D. Yes, I did. I don't recall ever thinking of another man, but I did visualize my life without him.

I remember asking my H 'why?' and he said, 'I believed we were done. I was already feeling so horrible what difference did it really make. You didn't love me and I thought our M was over.'

Rightly or wrongly this is what he thought and I believe him.

I also believe that the OW could have been anyone. My H is very much into being the good provider, the good husband...this is what a true man does. When our M was falling apart, he felt like he failed and even said he felt castrated by our M being a failure. He was taking the entire responsibility for our M failing. The ONS gave him the ego boost. It's so very sad that is where he had to find the ego boost but it is what it is now.

It sucks. We can't change it but I think he has learned the definition of a man, or a good husband is far more than what he thought it was.

Does that make sense?


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, February 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG - ohpuhlease,

I think you just wrote my story.

My WH was married twice before, so when ours starting heading bad, and I kept saying - YOU'RE ACTING SINGLE, YOU'RE BEHAVING SELFISHLY, YOU'RE THIS, YOU'RE THAT, I want out, leave now, etc. etc., I think he felt like it was already over.

I remember asking my H 'why?' and he said, 'I believed we were done. I was already feeling so horrible what difference did it really make. You didn't love me and I thought our M was over.'

He hasn't been able to figure out the *why* and yet, he has said similar things as your H has, but I hadn't been able to hear it before... coming from another, somehow now I hear it LOUD and CLEAR.

I do believe that he felt like a failure and felt like he had nothing to loose. I think he couldn't do anything right in my eyes, and he quit trying... and ended up in a ONS.


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, February 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ohpuhlease,

it makes complete sense. that is one of the things we have talked about--how he didn't feel like his career was going in the right direction, and he wasn't able to provide for his family.

our marriage was in the crapper, too. the only difference was i was talking and not being heard, and he just wasn't talking. we were both focused on ourselves and what we wanted.

i don't know if he thought the marriage was over. we still have a lot more talking to do.

he is being honest with me, now, though, and i can totally work with that. i can't work with dishonesty.

i also have to admit that if circumstances had been right--not back then, but much more recently--i might have strayed. but i didn't. i didn't let myself get into the position where i had to make that choice. the point is, i think i am just as capable of it as he is. i just chose not to.

before this whole thing blew up with us, i was looking for a way out of the marriage. in a strange way, this has made me really see how much i love him and want this marriage to work. go figure. now that i have my out, i don't want it!

i think the other woman could have been anyone, too. it wasn't about her. it was about him and his need for an ego boost. we even talked about this in our last mc session--how an affair is easy, you don't have to work at it, but you get that boost out of it with no work involved.

this really hurt me, but i still think we are going to make it. i am so glad for his honesty now. we still have a lot of work to do, but i think we are both up for it.

we'll see, i guess.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, February 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((dbjl))))

i want you to know i heard you, too. i just am not in a position right now to give you anything more than hugs.

hang in there!


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, February 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((IndiantownGirl))))

hugs for you, too!


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, February 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

our marriage was in the crapper, too. the only difference was i was talking and not being heard, and he just wasn't talking. we were both focused on ourselves and what we wanted.

You girls are in my head today!!!!

I told him (and MC too) that I could totally have fallen into that co-worker affair thingy if circumstances were different (I work with ugly old men.... LOL) because I was doing all of the talking, no needs (PHYSICAL as well) were being met, etc. if someone had been attractive and paid me enough attention, I don't know.

I also think my husband thinks of me in a different category... like I'm way smarter than he is and I think maybe this is intimidating to him... he has not ever admitted this.

I loved him immediately when we met because I have a very strong personality and he is soft spoken and sweet, yet a manly man, and could always talk me off of the ledge and out of my hyper situations... I'm not sure where that went. Life, new baby, building a house, growing a business and both working FT at different jobs, probably doesn't leave much time for either of us individually or together.

He keeps saying now, that he wants to be that man again, but then he doesn't say anything.

Sorry - I've been spiraling for weeks now and you both have touched my situation with precision its scary and comforting at the same time.

HUGS to us all. He has IC tonight and we have MC after (actually I think they overlap, so I get MC alone for 30 minutes......)

[This message edited by whathappenedtome at 5:14 PM, February 25th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, February 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((wh2m))))


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, February 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wh2m, please update us after your session.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, February 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do believe that he felt like a failure and felt like he had nothing to loose. I think he couldn't do anything right in my eyes, and he quit trying... and ended up in a ONS.

Yup. When my H says he felt almost castrated, I believe him. His M falling apart and him not being able to fix it, was a huge hit to self esteem.

(Of course the way he was trying to fix it is another story. It took him some time to figure out what true *fixing* really meant for himself, for me and for our M)


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, February 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do believe that he felt like a failure and felt like he had nothing to loose. I think he couldn't do anything right in my eyes, and he quit trying... and ended up in a ONS.

i think i can see that for us, too.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, February 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((to all)))

Thanks for all the hugs. We actually went to the town where the OW now lives this week. It's a mid-sized city... so chances of seeing her are slim... stranger things have happened.


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, February 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hello and hugs to all this morning. i may have to come back and edit, i'm all over the place today.

Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, February 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi, wh2m. i'm kind of all over the place myself today.

how'd your session go?


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, February 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

itspjw...

I understand the crappy feeling that a WH had actually thought about it before he did it...

I have never believed that my FWHs sexual activities were something that he just fell into, but that he had disconnected from me...and everything M...and was trying to hook up/flirt etc like a single guy.

I have never brought it up to him...because his response to it does not matter.

I know that was the way it was...looking back now.

The two co-workers he claimed were just ONSs...bullshit. He liked being validated by them...

He was sick then. I don't even want to dive into the cesspool that was his mind.

Neither does he.

I will never think any different than that - he wanted it - he took it.

Thats it.


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, February 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello and hugs to all this morning. I may have to come back and edit, I’m all over the place today. I don’t know whether to post this several times in the areas of each topic or one messy post….

I'm opting for messy....

Session was good... I had 20 minutes to myself and gave counselor a situation that happened over the weekend.

sit: went to my friends party - several couples - all drinking/wine tasting, etc. H had his 'drunk voice' early on, so I quietly said in private "hey, you have your drunk voice on, I thought you were going to drive home... I asked him to quit drinking and basically he said OK, then I was chatting with some friend’s minutes later and he had a glass in his hand. I gave him HUGE stink eye and he continued to drink like I wasn't even there. Then he proceeded to go drink 3 more glasses of wine – he was so drunk he doesn’t remember lots of the evening. Counselor asked him if drinking was an issue for him. H said no. I said, his issue is that he makes bad decisions. His decisions are based on twenty-something behavior…. (Ooh, an epiphany perhaps as I’m typing – will add in thread later)…

anyway… Counselor really held WH to be honest with himself (and personally I’m seeing and now believe that is a HUGE part of the problem… he either doesn’t think at all or says I don’t know) i.e. counselor asked him if he does things to intentionally say to me “I don’t have to do what you ask or say or tell me to do” – and past behaviors prior to the ONS are like this and WH says, I don’t know…. WELL WHO FLIPPIN’ KNOWS???? Does an alien life form control your being and thoughts!!!!????? I digress.

So WH brings up later at dinner that he wants to talk to me about his session, I say ok. He says not now, when we’re alone (we’re eating with our 2 year old???) – ok whatever….. We had a blow up about laundry again and I said THIS IS SO NOT ABOUT THE LAUNDRY it’s about you being selfish and self centered and you ALWAYS have an excuse for all of your behaviors. ALWAYS…. Anyway, then I ask him to ‘talk’ – he doesn’t want to, I ask him to anyway…. He thinks (although he says ‘they’ which has me still believe he cannot take ownership of his own shit) that all of our (prior to the ONS) marital problems were weighing in his subconscious and that had some bearing to his going ahead with it….he skirted around a lot and I said I didn’t understand – then he was mad cuz’ I didn’t understand his cryptic logic (blame shifting I say!!)

So basically I shut down – I know bad, but I did. Then I ended up telling him last night I didn’t think we were a good match. I need something different and I didn’t think he was capable of providing it. That I am exhausted. I hate having to gripe about the same BS everyday…. That I need someone who just supports me, Thinks I’m fantastic for ALL that I do, and loves me regardless off my moods. That he was that person just 4 years ago and I’m not sure where he went. He said he could be that person again and I said I didn’t think so.

Then after a fitful night.. I finally fell asleep and baby wakes up, he actually went to her and I found them an hour later after wondering where he was asleep together snuggled up on the couch. It made me cry and I kissed them both.

So today over the phone we had a great discussion about our business and what exactly I do and why I am a freak when he complains, or doesn’t do something at home (i.e. LAUNDRY)… there are so many layers of all of this and I won’t bore you with any more details, but it was a real breakthrough… time will tell. I do love him.

OH – major breakthrough from him: he does not think he should drink anymore at all. He doesn’t think he can make good decisions or judgment calls… more, but you get the gist. I said I don’t mind when we’re together you drinking (one of my boundaries), but that my real issue on Saturday night was he said he would and then deliberately continued…

Sorry, I warned you all I was all over the place today.


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, February 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dbjl, how did you handle going through that town?


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
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