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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, March 13th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((DBJL)))
Whoa... I would seriously look into a new C.

Would you EVER give someone that advice as a non-professional?

ETA - just saw its post, and that is EXACTLY what I was thinking... he may have helped YOU previously, but sometimes you outgrown C's and it doesn't sound like he is helping you now.

JMO.

[This message edited by whathappenedtome at 10:41 AM, March 13th (Friday)]


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, March 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sheesh... did I kill the thread?


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, March 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nope. it's just saturday!

i hope you are all having a good one!

i am, even though i overslept and was late for my client this morning. i've also been doing laundry all day. but i've been watching heroes all day while doing it (way behind on dvr'd shows!) and h has been working right along beside me. itling1 is cooking dinner, and i know h won't let me clean up after. itling 2 decided all on her own to "spring clean" her room, getting rid of stuff, storing some in the attic, cleaning, etc.

so, a good start to the weekend!


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, March 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, March 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually, just came in from going down to see the new grandbaby again today. He's so pretty & his coloring etc is changed so much in these 4 days!

Anyway, I think I do have callouses on the rear from all the traveling.

Very uncomfortable day. H's ex-wife is in to see the baby & stay a few weeks with my s-son & family... That's always so hard for me. I feel so out of place.

No, no one killed the thread... I guess.

Can't stand to go through it again with anyone... a new C... thought things were moving forward.

Thought on our drive home tonight. H is a wonderful man. (besides the fact that he hasn't been able to control his libido)... If I had known of his experiences... I don't think I would have married him. I don't condemn anyone for how they live their life... but I have been extremely chaste all my life. That's what I chose to do. He didn't & therefore, has had sex with numerous women.

He wasn't honest about it. And... that was wrong.

Too tired to think about it.

Good night


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, March 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((DBJL)))

That just sucks about the xwife - no glossing that picture. I'm so sorry.

RE: MC - That's how I feel/felt too. My IC is our past MC (prior to the ONS)... so she has good insight for me with him sometimes. He IC'd with her for a bit too prior.

Our MC bugs me a bit, but I don't even want to go down another road with someone new, so I've been telling MC what's ok and what's not ok... like he tried to tell me I had to start moving forward, and I said yes I understand that AT SOME POINT I DO, but now was NOT that point... and until I felt ready, I didn't need him pushing for me to be over it. He backed down. He really pushed too about me punishing H and I got upset with him becuase as much as I should have permission to punish him, I am very careful not to abuse the 'power' we talked about before.

MC has given us some tools to do (like write things down - think it will help H better remember stuff), but we actually haven't done any of it.

This is when I get frustrated at H for not making the effort or time to actively work on us. The only credit I really give him is putting up with my rollercoaster of emotions, but then he should since he put us in this seat.


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, March 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But that I have issues that I had H on a pedestal... I said yes... I did, but is that wrong? Is it wrong to expect the person you love to be honest... ? He was everything I wanted... ! C says get over it... He's a man. You don't need to know the answers to those questions.... oh but you're both doing so much better, come back in 3 weeks instead of 2....

I think having someone on a pedestal and expecting an honest relationship are two different things.

The pedestal never works. I had my H on one as well, and when he fell, we both fell. That was my problem since I put him up there to begin with. He never asked for it. I placed him above myself in many respects.

Should we hold our spouses in higher regard and expect more from them? Certainly, but this is also where *our* boundaries need to come in too.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that by placing someone on that pedestal, we let go of our own importance when really we are all equals. This is where some really important self healing needs to happen.

Even after being reconciled, if my H ever said to me that he had me on a pedestal, I think I would freak. There was a time when I likely would've been flattered by it, but not anymore.

I don't think your C is really understanding the problems at all. It's not up to him to decide what answers you need and what you don't. It's up to him to help you heal and if you need the answers, he should be supporting you in that.

When I hear people say 'you need to get over it', I wonder if it were their own M, if they would still say the same thing.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, March 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess what I'm trying to say is that by placing someone on that pedestal, we let go of our own importance when really we are all equals. This is where some really important self healing needs to happen.

Oh.. thank you so much for this. It is so true, and summarizes exactly where I am right now.

Some of the best advice I got (from my doctor, who just cleared us both for HIV, thank GOD!)was "now that you've chosen to reconcile, you must take care of each other." I never thought of moving forward in that way, but it has helped me put some perspective on things. We are both responsible for making sure this doesn't happen again.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, March 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((marley)))

We are both responsible for making sure this doesn't happen again.

Absolutely. You are both going to have different roles, responsibilites and boundaries. Sometimes one of you will be falling back and the other needs to wait.

I remember many times when my H was the quarterback for Team Ohpuhlease. I also remember many times when the road to R wasn't so easy but we picked ourselves up, dusted ourselves off and kept going.

Being in R isn't always warm and fuzzy. Nor should it be really. Sometimes the learning and the struggles are what bring you both closer together.

I can say that now because I have the hindsight.

"now that you've chosen to reconcile, you must take care of each other."

And taking care of yourself too. One thing I really noticed during R was that when I was really struggling and not seeing any future, my H was always there patiently waiting and helping me along. Even though I was putting lots of work into R and into myself, knowing he was helping made an enormous difference too.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
Troubled BH
New Member
Member # 23242
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, March 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I busted my wife almost 2 months ago. It appears to be over because that is how I caught her - overheard her saying she was lucky that OM dumped her.

Problem is she is hot and not really trustworthy. I just found the book "My Horizontal Life" about one night stands in her night stand. How ironic. Should I confront her, be suspicious or forget about it?


BS 48 WW 45 (and too hot for her own good)
D Day 1/9/09
Married 19 years
Son 15 Daughter 17 (daughter knows something is up)

Posts: 8 | Registered: Mar 2009
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, March 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi TroubledBH

Is the book in her nightstand a self help book to understand why she had a ONS, or is it something else?


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, March 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

welcome, troubled bh


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, March 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok. Had a very emotional (religious) day... and am just now reading the posts.

Hello Troubled... sorry you are here.

iTS, OHPULEESE, WHAThappened & Marley (glad your HIV tests are negative)

I'd like to think about the "pedestal" comments....

Will get back tomorrow.

((((to you all))))


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
Troubled BH
New Member
Member # 23242
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, March 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"My Horizontal Life" is definitely not a support book. It is about a woman that is very proud of all the guys she has had ONS with. Great book if you aren't a WW. My big problem is she is a 21 year old when out with her friends, and an 91 year old when I am around. This is encouraging bad behavior. And paranoia.

http://search.barnesandnoble.com/My-Horizontal-Life/Chelsea-Handler/e/9781582346182


BS 48 WW 45 (and too hot for her own good)
D Day 1/9/09
Married 19 years
Son 15 Daughter 17 (daughter knows something is up)

Posts: 8 | Registered: Mar 2009
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, March 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Troubled BH

I hope you don't mind if I ask you some questions because I don't know your story and I really want to help as much as I can.

How has she been since you found out? Remorseful? Transparent? Have you been to IC or MC?

My big problem is she is a 21 year old when out with her friends, and an 91 year old when I am around.

How old is she?


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
Troubled BH
New Member
Member # 23242
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, March 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is 45. We have been to IC and MC. Both started before I found out but you can see how suspicious I was. Couldn't get the time of day (physically) from her. She was going out with her divorced friends, closing down bars, flirting up a storm with everyone. Then when we got home, to the bedroom especially she turned into a 91 year old. At first (April 08) she said it was her problem and started going to IC. Turns out OM dumped her for the first time around then. I convinced her to go to joint MC in October and turns out that was the 2nd fling with OM. Dumped her again in early December. On Jan 9 I decided to bug her car and caught her and a cheating married friend talking about the guys. Nuff said.


BS 48 WW 45 (and too hot for her own good)
D Day 1/9/09
Married 19 years
Son 15 Daughter 17 (daughter knows something is up)

Posts: 8 | Registered: Mar 2009
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, March 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((troubled))))

i read the description of the book. all i have to say about that is

i don't have any advice tonight (wish i did!) but keep posting. we are here for you.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, March 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Turns out OM dumped her for the first time around then. I convinced her to go to joint MC in October and turns out that was the 2nd fling with OM. Dumped her again in early December. On Jan 9 I decided to bug her car and caught her and a cheating married friend talking about the guys.

I'm so sorry. It sounds as if some of this was also an EA. If this is so, then it's going to take her alot longer to get her head out of the fog.

What are your boundaries with or in regards to her behaviour? Has she tried to fix the M and herself or is she still doing alot of this stuff with her friends?

Just please know that problems right now are not due to your lack of trying to work on your M. For her to behave this way really means she has alot of work to do on herself.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
Troubled BH
New Member
Member # 23242
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, March 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What are your boundaries with or in regards to her behavior? Has she tried to fix the M and herself or is she still doing alot of this stuff with her friends?

She has created a few boundaries, but not really. She went to belly dancing tonight with WW #2. (has been in lessons for about 2 months) and went out to dinner with her. They love each other. When I first busted her I was thinking I was going to catch them in an L R. Does that make sense? Instead they were watching each other's backs.

She has cut back on her salsa dancing a little because BH is "so sad". I'm not going to go because I don't want to run into OM who is part of that scene. He may not know that I know. WW said she hasn't talked to him since December.

There are no boundaries for WW when she is dancing flashing her hot parts, even through clothes or the minimal clothes that are there. She does look great and I should be there supervising. Think 180.

And it was an EA with OM, now that you mention it. Geez. That hurts.


BS 48 WW 45 (and too hot for her own good)
D Day 1/9/09
Married 19 years
Son 15 Daughter 17 (daughter knows something is up)

Posts: 8 | Registered: Mar 2009
InLikeFlynn
♂ Member
Member # 18987
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, March 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW said she hasn't talked to him since December.

How do you know this?

She has cut back on her salsa dancing a little because BH is "so sad". I'm not going to go because I don't want to run into OM who is part of that scene. He may not know that I know.

Why do you allow your wife to go by herself where the OM is most likely going to be?

You do realise that she is a serial cheater and will cheat again without firm boundaries!! People usually have friends that think and act alike. For you this is scary!!


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