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Newest Member: iknowiwillbeok (43219)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And it was an EA with OM, now that you mention it. Geez. That hurts.

Again, I'm so sorry. I really was apprehensive about pointing that out because I really didn't want to hurt you any further. But it's better you know with all the crap you have to deal with.

Going out with her friends is normal. Going out with her like-minded friends, having an A and basically putting her *fun* before you is not normal.

You do really need to 180 her ass. Sounds to me like she enjoys getting validation by other people by how she dresses, what body parts she emphasizes and the attention that goes with it. It's not healthy at all.

The best thing you can do is 180. She wants to act like this, then let her know that she isn't going to have her cake and eat it too. More importantly is to do the 180 for your own sanity.

She has cut back on her salsa dancing a little because BH is "so sad". I'm not going to go because I don't want to run into OM who is part of that scene. He may not know that I know. WW said she hasn't talked to him since December.

She shouldn't be going either if he is there.

Also, I don't want to hurt you any more, but I really need to tell you one of your first comments bothered me...

overheard her saying she was lucky that OM dumped her.

She was lucky? I take this to mean that otherwise she wouldn't have broke it off.

You can't control her but you already know this. However, you can control what *you* do. Set your boundaries and do the 180.

If she wants to continue the behaviour like this, it's time she learns what it's like if you weren't around waiting for her to get some sense into her head.

No one deserves to be treated this way.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
rainbowlittle
♀ Member
Member # 22334
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((troubled BH))
You need to start 180 right away....your WW has gone on her slippery slope for quite long now...
This will only escalate as she sees no consequences to her actions.


Bad marriages don't cause infidelity; infidelity causes bad marriages.
-Frank Pittman


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2009
Troubled BH
New Member
Member # 23242
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. Thanks everyone. Part of the 180 is not caring what she does. Let her go out and run into OM. The difficulty with the 180 is my lack of caring or supervision is what got us in this place to begin with.

And I had a bad dream last night about herpes. Read a post here about it. I'm going out tonight without her for a team fundraising event. More about that later.

Thanks everyone.


BS 48 WW 45 (and too hot for her own good)
D Day 1/9/09
Married 19 years
Son 15 Daughter 17 (daughter knows something is up)

Posts: 8 | Registered: Mar 2009
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((TroubledBH)))) and welcome.

Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Part of the 180 is not caring what she does

This is true in theory, but in reality it is more like giving her the perception of not caring. Also, it serves as a good way to help you set boundaries. When we set boundaries, we have to let go of the outcome.

By this, I mean your own personal boundaries.

When we started R, these are the least that I will put up with. For example, my boundaries with my H are:

-I will not be in an M that is all give and no take. We have to have joint effort put in.

-I expect full transparency, full disclosure, honesty, etc...

-I will not tolerate people who are not friends of our M.

The difficulty with the 180 is my lack of caring or supervision is what got us in this place to begin with.

I have to disagree with you here. She is a grown woman and one you trusted. She shouldn't require supervision. She is completely responsible regarding how she acts or what she does in her own freedom.

Your perceived lack of supervision didn't result in her being unfaithful. She made that sole choice and decision.

Do you really want a W you have to supervise?

Please, please don't take on that burden. Don't do that to yourself. It's not yours to own. It's hers.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, March 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Troubled BH...are you okay? Just checking in.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, March 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi everyone,

itling2 and i went to meet h on layover. didn't really do anything but it was nice to get away and spend time together as a family.

hope everyone is well.

tbh, hope all is well. please let us know.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, March 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All,

Feeling a bit hopeless today. Really, really, extremely tired of it all.

Told H last night I was tired of trying, that I didn't think I could do it anymore.

This is not a job I applied for and I'm doing all of the work. I don't need another job, I already have 3.

What are you WS's doing that is keeping you in your marriage?

Our MC gets onto me for saying what I "would" do if I were WH, but seriously... who else do you compare to?

AND IF I SCREWED UP SO HORRIFICALLY I WOULD DO WHATEVER IT TAKES IF I WANTED MY M TO WORK. I would travel VERY far outside my comfort zone.

al;kdfaiurpoiquwer and GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, March 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((WH)))
So sorry you are going through such a terrible time.

My opinion is that he should do what it takes.

My H is doing all the right things.. except he can't remember enough to answer a few questions I have....

I'm trying not to dwell on that. It hurts that something important enough to damage our relationship is not important enough to him to remember....

But... Positive thoughts going your way.


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, March 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((wh2m)))

What do you feel he isn't doing?

What are you WS's doing that is keeping you in your marriage?

My H did alot. Although I didn't recognize some of it at the time, in hindsight I do now. Some of it I had to explain to him and some he took his own initiative.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
survivinglies
Member
Member # 19376
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, March 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you ever feel like a ping pong ball? I go back and forth between "It was only one night- one bad choice" to "That choice meant everything and changes the definition of who we are". How do I get off the fence?


BS (me)
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 18, Together: 20, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-98 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
Isaiah 40:31

Posts: 1397 | Registered: May 2008 | From: U.S., just a few miles south of insanity
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, March 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((wh2m)))

my h did and still is doing alot. mc, some ic, reading anything i give him to read, he has taken over most of the household responsibilities and bills, looks for things to do for me.

have you decided what YOU need and told him what it is?


((((survivinglies))))

yes, i do feel that way at times. i think i have come to the conclusion that it is both. it was only one night, one bad choice--that changes the definition of who we are.

now we have to discover who we are now and what our relationship is now.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, March 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't post.

Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, March 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wh2m, why can't you post?


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, March 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in a bad, bad place.

Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, March 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what's going on, wh2m? talk to us, we are here for you...


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, March 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you ever feel like a ping pong ball? I go back and forth between "It was only one night- one bad choice" to "That choice meant everything and changes the definition of who we are".

No I didn't. Because it was an act that forever changed our M. It's not like he made a left turn and got us lost on a road trip.

That choice completely, totally, wholeheartedly changed who we were as individuals and as a couple.

Yes, we've worked through it and have reconciled, but it was still a choice that has life long effects.


((((wh2m)))))


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, March 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wh2m-- very worried. Please post when you can. I think we can all relate to being in a very dark place.

I totally agree with itspjw-- make that list of what you need. Not just for your husband, but for YOU. My list includes all kinds of things from complete transparency to giving up video games to having sex more often.

The only way I can forgive any of this is if we build a better relationship than what we had before.

Maybe you could take some time to figure out what "better" means for the two of you.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, March 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all. I'm just at that place where I'm wondering if all of this pain is really worth it.

I know he is sorry (what a weak word) but the fact of the matter is, no matter what, he gave up on us, he crossed the line, he completely destroyed my faith in marriage and I honestly don't think I personally can get over it. I don't want to be the bitter angry wife or mother, and that is what this is making me.

I think I need time away from him to filter through my feelings and I can't do it with him here.

I think my expectation of him was something extraordinary - I don't even know what that means, but I have never felt it.

His behavior prior was always so selfish in little and big ways. Now, the littlest thing is huge in my book. i.e. he is on a trip, same place where the ONS happened. I asked him to not go out at all. He said he would get a pizza and go back to his room and call me and we could talk. He had pizza with a co-worker, instead of telling them, hey, I'm taking this to go, I have stuff to do. He thinks its no big deal and I reminded him to me it was, he didn't get it.

I'm exhausted, I'm over the edge under all kinds of stress and pressure and I can't take it anymore. He is emotionally and verbally retarded, I told him that in MC on Wednesday - I don't care if it hurt his feelings, and I'm just through at this point. I'm asking him to move out.

He said he feels like he can't say anything right.


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, March 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((wh2m))))))

I don't know what to say to you, but I was worried.

I'm sending positive thoughts your way.


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
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