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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, March 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((wh2m))))))

you are only about 4 months out from dday, so what you are feeling is entirely normal. at 4 months out i was still a wreck. i'm 6 months out now and am still sometimes a wreck and not sure i can do this.

you have to do what you need to do to take care of you. if that means asking him to move out, then do so.

keep posting and let us know what happens.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, March 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said he would get a pizza and go back to his room and call me and we could talk. He had pizza with a co-worker, instead of telling them, hey, I'm taking this to go, I have stuff to do. He thinks its no big deal and I reminded him to me it was, he didn't get it.

(((wh2m)))

I'm so angry he did this to you. So very angry.

This could've been one very easy thing for him to do to make you feel like he can put your needs ahead of his own.

Until he really truly gets that, your R is going to continue to be a struggle.

He said he feels like he can't say anything right.

This is very passive aggressive. He knew he was supposed to do one thing and didn't. Therefore he passes onto you, in the form of guilt because he can't do anything right.

He *knows* he can do plenty right, and it really doesn't take much sometimes.

He needs a good kick in the ass to shit or get off the pot.

Don't get me wrong. I am a huge fan of R and if it takes scaring the heck out of him until he *gets* it, I will support you completly.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, March 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OP -- THANK YOU THANK YOU. I was feeling like maybe I was being too demanding... but you're so right
make you feel like he can put your needs ahead of his own.
is what I am looking for.

Funny you nailed the passive-agressive - that is something I have just recently learned about him. And that is the 'come to Jesus' conversation I'm having tonight. (no blasphemy there, just a coined phrase I'm a fan of).

So happy it's Friday! Hope you all have trigger-free good weekends.... WE DESERVE IT!!!

Hugs to all of you... I'll be around for chatting.

ETA: I'm in a better mood. My daughter and I mowed the lawn (rain is headed here again tomorrow) and I (we) pulled the hello out of some winter weeds... so a lot of my tension is gone. That is going to be one thing I do for ME - I love yard work and I want to learn to garden.

I planted from seed my first yard last fall and it's pretty weedy and crabby, so I'll be working on it all spring. And THAT will make me happy.

Happy First Day of Spring!!!

[This message edited by whathappenedtome at 8:08 PM, March 20th (Friday)]


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, March 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wh2m, i'm so glad you are in a better mood.

i love to garden, too, then sit out on the back patio and enjoy my labors.

we got the fish pond cleaned out yesterday, i planted some plants, cleaned up the yard and back patio.

i still have lots more planting to do, but at least we can start enjoying the patio.

gardening is wonderful therapy for me, too.

edited because i hit submit too soon.

[This message edited by itspjw at 8:31 PM, March 20th (Friday)]


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, March 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Funny you nailed the passive-agressive - that is something I have just recently learned about him.

I'm happy you've already figured this out about him. At least it gives you someplace to start since you know what you have to work with.

My daughter and I mowed the lawn

Seriously? I am sooooooooooo envious. I still have 2 feet of &^#@ $%!!! $%^*^%! snow!


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, March 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

its - it IS therapeutic... I've just been so consumed in my own self pity and misery. We didn't put much of a dent in the weeds, but it felt really good to pull the heck out of them.

OP - we did mow the lawn! We live on a main drag, so we put on quite a show - a two year old on my hip and one-hand mowing!!!


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, March 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i would have liked to have seen that show!

i don't actually cut the grass--h does that. he also trims trees. i tend the flowerbeds, and plant lots of stuff both in them and containers.

i have to get out soon and finish getting my beds prepared so i can keep planting.

last year i planted lots of stuff like usual, then my marriage kind of blew up and i neglected everything. so now i really have a mess!

that's okay, though. i'll put on my ipod, and jump in and enjoy myself!

i'm really not a very good gardener, but i love it! i get a little better every year.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, March 21st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love cutting the grass and any other outside activity.

I'm heading out on a road trip to see my hubby today. I really enjoy the 4 or 5 hour drive. I crank up the tunes, open the sunroof, stop and pee when I need...it gives me some really good *me* time.

This is certainly one of the things that I have kept up in R. Pre dday, I would very seldom go and visit him. In fact, I used to dread it because we weren't getting along so it seemed like so much work.

I think that made him feel more isolated from me.

But, all that has changed and for nearly 2 years, the visits are frequent and so much fun.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, March 21st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i'm glad to hear you are going to see h again.

i felt the same way. we weren't getting along and i didn't really want to be around him so it was too much trouble to go meet him. i actually looked forward to him leaving.

now i look forward to going and meeting him on trips too...

they are fun, aren't they?


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, March 21st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like everyone was having a better day yesterday & looking forward to the weekend.

We are going to a bigggggg concert tonight. My Christmas gift to my H. Elton John & Billy Joel. Concert is in same city as new grandbaby, but they have other plans so we can't stop by to see them.... Oh well... next time!

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, March 21st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

db,

enjoy your concert!

i'm jealous!


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, March 22nd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

concert was great.. truly, truly great.

But. same town that SHE lives in & I triggered on the way home dammit!

I'm in such a funk... God I want the answers. If he truly will do anything, why won't he give me the answers??????


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, March 22nd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((dbjl))))


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, March 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

good morning all!

i hope everyone had a good weekend!


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, March 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((DBJL))) - that is my dilema! I know he knows, how can he NOT remember? Scape goat, too painful... blah, blah, blah.

I had a pretty productive weekend. Worked hard at my shop - did some resets (Easter & Wedding), felt good. We painted and installed our new light in the house... really is coming together.

When I got home on Saturday after work, H had the tub in the new house cleaned out and hooked up (remember, we're still building...) so he papered the windows and had candles and wine and everything up there. The 3 of us took a nice hot bath and jacuzzi - the baby LOVED it (so did I).

He's trying so hard. I guess I need to step back and look at what he IS doing vs. what he ISN'T doing and talk about what is working and what isn't.

Hope everyone has a good week. I'm on a coffee run - I'm tired (and sore)!


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, March 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, that's what my "personal mentor" (lol... only friend who knows about it) says to me. To focus on his positives.

But, the MC says he won't help him remember. I can see in H's mind he is thinking (WHEW!). know he's scared to remember... (if he truly doesn't).

I asked if he traced back his steps to try to remember. Yes. I asked him to write it down. His answer was "HUH?"

Today we are scheduled to go to MC. I can't go so he says... call & cancel. I ask if he doesn't want to just go himself. His reply is that then it isn't MC.

I'm thinking, why don't you go & tell the MC that you WANT TO REMEMBER!??????????

If you both ask what it will take me to move on & I tell you what it is... and you say no you aren't getting that... then why the helldidyaask??????


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, March 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is your H seeing an IC? I would flip if our MC said that to me, but I know H is working with his IC to hopefully get there... although personally I think he is blocking it because he still can't believe he did it.

How do you make that kind of mistake... I just don't know.

I really wanted him out this weekend, but seeing him with our daughter I couldn't do it. She adores him. So for now, he stays for her.


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, March 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Wh2m! I've been wondering about you. We are beyond the kids. I always thought... I would always put the kids first & stay. Actually, my kids are from my 1st husband. I don't think he ever cheated, but I stayed with him because of the kids & because I thought it was right... long after the love no longer existed.

No my H is not seeing an IC. I guess I should post my story, but ....

I've been seeing the same IC (who does hypnotherapy) to help me quit smoking. I was dealing with a lot of depression & then my ex H moved into Rehab & his sis blamed me for his drug addiction. My ex sil worked where the IC worked & IC walked into the conversation. So, I stayed with the IC to try to work out a number of issues. At this point, I had remarried & was very happy...

So, I've continued to see the IC, but he also does MC-ing. So, when I confronted H about this & he admitted it, I talked to IC who then turned it all into some MC. He saw H individually a couple times.

At one point, the MC said he could & would hypnotize H to find out what I need to know. Now he says he won't.

H said today that he didn't push it because the C thought it was the best plan of action.

They both ask what I need to move on & I tell them this, but no one is willing to take that step.

H is going alone tonight. He says he's going to push it.

Will I regret it?

[This message edited by dbjl at 3:07 PM, March 23rd (Monday)]


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, March 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

db, in my opinion, it will hurt like hell, but in the end you won't regret it.

i asked and got my answers. and as much as it hurt, i needed to know what i was dealing with.

((((((hugs)))))


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, March 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh thank you so much itspjw. I read your profile today & sent you a pm about this.

He's actually on his way now.. probably there. I really think the MC will say no again. I probably will not go back to the C.

I resent him promising me what he then refused. I don't want to go through all this again with another MC.


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
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