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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, March 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

db, i got your pm and responded.

if this mc isn't willing what to do what you need to help you heal, you may need to look for another. i know you don't want to start over with a new c, but please think about it.

if you decide to get a new c, you can ask up front if they are willing to explore helping your h remember before you even go there.

(((((db)))


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, March 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Found your PM. Thanks. Going to go cook now.

Just feeling so sad and so scared... so freaking scared... and sick....


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, March 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((DBJL)))

I hope you find peace and answers for what you need. I agree with its, it may be time to look/see a new MC even though the thought of it is unbearable to start all over again. Sometimes starting over helps you clarify you currently.

Like our new MC didn't know anything about us, so there are no formulated opinions or judgments and we are being dealt with as situations arise vs. if we were seeing our old MC (which is now my IC) and she has formulated opinions and isnít always all about me.

I'm going to remind my H too, that part of his IC that should be his primary goal... finding out why and how he was able to do something he was so morally against.

He refers to himself now as in 'that' category.

I don't know where I am currently. I think I'm going to numb-out for awhile and focus on things in my life that need to happen.

I read somewhere on SI yesterday that being on SI may be hindering their progress and I sometimes wonder if that is happening to me.

Other than the ONS area, I have been trying to surf around less and less, only because reading and hearing about other infidelities, brings me back present and center every time.

Do any of you feel that way?

Then on the flip side, I read where people from SI get together, have each others cell #'s and are texting and helping each other... and I'm amazed.

I have just been finding myself as a slug totally obsessed with this site and not doing much of anything else at night... and there is plenty to do.

hugs to all.


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, March 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hugs to all.

i do sometimes wonder if being on si slows my progress.

currently i spend my time mostly in i can relate and in f&g

sometimes i do think i spend too much time on here, and maybe i need to back off.

but i don't think i can get through it right now without it.

so, there may come a point i back off a little or take a break from it.

but not yet. right now si is my sanity in all this insanity.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, March 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto its, but I think for me, with a non-talking husband... it doesn't allow me to be open to a conversation with him. So I'm going to try something a little different and only log on when I'm at work or he isn't home. That way, I'm open for conversations, should one spark.

I think he treads softly to nag on me about anything. ETA: he's commented a bit about me and SI, but I usually shut him down reminding him I wouldn't be here if he hadn't....

There was a very interesting post today that I saw:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=285452

that REALLY hit home for me. I've thought this a bit, and it rang true (not all, but enough) for me to stop my same behaviors.


[This message edited by whathappenedtome at 5:33 PM, March 24th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, March 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read that thread as well and thought 'Good for her...it takes alot to own and change behaviours.'

I had my set of baggage that I brought preA and carried some of it over while beginning R. It's not an easy thing to stop, and, the odd time, I reverted back to old habits.

Self-change is never an easy thing but I do know that the persistent people do prevail.

In order to heal from a crappy M beforehand, and in order to heal from the ONS, the amount of work I've done on myself still amazes. I'm so proud of myself.

[This message edited by ohpuhlease at 5:45 PM, March 24th (Tuesday)]


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, March 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i try to only log on to si when he isn't home, or involved in his own project.

i do want to be available to him when he wants to talk.

if i am on si, and he comes into the room and starts a conversation, i do turn my attention from si to him.

i expect his full attention when i want to talk, so i have to give the same to him, right?


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, March 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was me that said that it seems that SI seems like it keeps me focused on my problems rather than moving forward.

I have a lot to say, but not tonight.

Hugs to all


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was me that said that it seems that SI seems like it keeps me focused on my problems rather than moving forward.

And that is a very fair comment. I understand what you're saying.

Been there and done that.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So many things going on in my life right now.

I guess I haven't said much about H going to the IC/MC Monday. He did go. He did evidently tell the MC that he wants him to do the hypnotherapy on him to bring back his memory on the A so that I can get my answers.

The C said that because hypnosis uses the power of suggestion so heavily & that H wants to remember so badly, that it can be dangerous... it could bring up untruths...

But he did start walking through what happened with him. My H is a numbers man. And while he does focus on details... only enough so to get the bigger picture.. this in work and also in personal life. While I'm not much of a neatnik, I do focus a great deal on details.

So, I've tried this type thing with him.... much the same way one does when looking for a misplaced object... He does that to me all the time....

I think that if at some point if he could have one memory return... it would all start... well... isn't that the trickle effect? It would all start trickling in....

And I learned that it was an afternoon tryst. I thought all along that it was, but that was the first that he's actually said something about when it occurred.

We are supposed to go back Friday. I don't want to go. I will confront the C about telling me that he could help H remember and that he needs to now explain why he's not...

He needs to also tell me how to get over it, how to forgive & how to move on. He keeps telling me to figure it out, but he needs to give me the help we are paying him for....

I have been thinking about calling the OW and asking her. I'm almost positive she would know...

I do dwell on it more while I'm on IC. If I stay off & try to stay busy with other things, I don't usually think about it...


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Big (((((DBJL)))).

That's so hard. Lots of information to process.

I personally want to take a break from MC (its the only one we are paying for), just so we have some time to actually work on things... we get too topic centered when we are there vs. bigger picture...


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I watched Sex and the City (movie) last night (well wee hours) - have seen it before but forgot about Steve.

He had a ONS and I totally triggered. I fell back asleep before I saw the end where they meet on the bridge. That is what I'm trying to focus on... meeting him on the bridge.


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((dbjl)))))

((((wh2m)))))

h is going to be home soon. we have to go to my mom's for a bit, but we have planned to talk later, while dd is at church youth group.

we are still dissecting the question "how did you let yourself do this"

during one conversation, i had asked him "is this something you thought about before you actually did it?"

he said "yes"

it hurt too much to continue that line of inquiry that night, so i didn't.

but i plan to tonight.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BIG ((((((Its))))))

I'll be thinking about you!
Wishing you courage & strength!


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto what DBJL said ((((((its))))) - keep us posted.

Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Funny thing. My mentor I've told you about had an interesting comment today.

When H told me that the tryst was in the afternoon... my thought is "did you do me that night?" Did you do us both in the same 24 hour period?

He said, "I don't remember (of course), but if I did, I'm a bigger bastard than I thought I was."

My friend said, "Does it really matter?"

My answer to that is, "Do any of my questions matter, then?"

But like I said, it's different with me. We were just getting involved. My problem is that he remained friends with her like nothing had happened between then and put her always before me until she moved away. That's what hurts so bad ..... ..................


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, March 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((dbjl)))

My friend said, "Does it really matter?"

My answer to that is, "Do any of my questions matter, then?"

No one should ever judge you as to what is important for you to know and what isn't. Of course that question, and any others matter because they are important to you.

My problem is that he remained friends with her like nothing had happened between then and put her always before me until she moved away. That's what hurts so bad .....

I'm so sorry.

I can't imagine how hard it is. I don't know if it fits the complete description of how a WS compartmentalizes, but I think it's very close anyway.

It's always amazing to me how parallel lives can be lived.

It's like what a XWS said in the W forum about his ONS. Even though he is in the process of D, he has now realized that even though his ONS was nothing to him, that didn't matter because it became everything to his BS.

wh2m...that episode of Sex In The City...it triggered me so bad.

I know there was a few times after dday when I was asking my H so many questions, he wasn't telling the truth.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, March 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I found where the Library has the article about the compartmentalizing the WS does, but I just didn't have time to read it.

Yesterday, I worked on a timeline of our relationship. It is incomplete because no one can remember everything. But I thought it might help him remember.

There are so many things that were huge to me that he swears he does not remember.... things in particular of him putting her before me.

Then I had him read Joseph's letter. And then we went over the timeline.

This week two tidbits of data came out... it happened in the afternoon. He thinks she just "dropped in."

But if I try to take it from there, or mention that before he said this... he says that I am drawing conclusions.

I pretty much exploded over that... someone needs to draw conclusions since he isn't.

I told him that I'm so scared that our relationship will never be good again.

I came very close to calling her yesterday. If I do, it will blow our relationship. I shouldn't have to be one to fill in the missing pieces. He needs to be man enough to do it.

We see the MC today.


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, March 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((DBJL))))

Good luck in MC - keep us posted.

I feel like that somedays... exploding and not being able to control my thoughts and feelings... I've numbed up for a bit, kind of nice not thinking about it every minute. I needed the break.


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, March 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a few days like that. Then it all came back again.

Oh, Lordy. I've been reading so many articles about all this.. here & other websites.

MC today was really rough. A lot of stuff came out. I told the MC what I feel about him not doing what he said he'd do.

He went back to me having H on a pedestal & I asked what the hell was wrong with that. He portrayed himself as being a certain type person and I believed it,but he wasn't. H objected...said he just screwed up, but he really is how he portrayed himself... Then I said, then why didn't you just escort her ass out the door???? Why did you remain friends with her? He can't answer that.... I can... Because it's pretty damn fun to have a woman all over you when you've been emotionally bruised for 26 years... But... I wasn't enough for him... he had to have more than one woman to soothe his bruised ego....

All my anger came out in this session.

Being sick didn't help.

I told H that I am going to call OW & get her to answer the questions.

I'll bet you she will!

[This message edited by dbjl at 7:14 AM, March 28th (Saturday)]


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
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