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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, April 3rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

posted in general, but wanted to post here, too.

waiting for results of std tests sucks!

i am kicking myself for not doing it sooner.

i knew i was married to a liar, so why did i just not go ahead and do it right after dday?


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Iwillrecover
♀ Member
Member # 22329
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, April 3rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

its,

I am going to ask him to text & call & to provide the itinerary when he knows it...it's a car trip so I need to know hotels he will be at.

He wont be able to talk all the time as he will be with colleagues. One male & the other we don't know yet as they haven't been hired yet. They are freelance positions.

He should however be free to talk to me after dinner hours which is when I would be most concerned. Problem is I wanna know what he is doing every minute. I want him calling every half hour. It's impractical & unreasonable no matter what he did. I would at least like that in the evening but he would be waking himself & me up every half hour.


Posts: 235 | Registered: Jan 2009
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, April 3rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Iwill)))

My H has always worked away. Normally he is gone for 21 days and home for 4 or 5. Except after dday when he took 8 months off to focus on our R.

For me I don't know if it's the frequency of contact that he makes, or the quality of contact. I found alot of peace knowing that he knew I would be upset and made the extra effort when he could.

There is no easy way to get around it. But, I also want to say that if things are done correctly, it can also be a huge step in R.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
Iwillrecover
♀ Member
Member # 22329
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, April 3rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ohpuhlease,

Thanks for your support.

I'll let him know how much it means to me & why I need it & see what he does.

Unfortunately I pick fights all the time so I don't know whether he will do it. I think he will. He keeps trying no matter what I do but it appears to him that nothing will fix things...that he has caused irreparable damage...that by his own hand, our relationship is ruined.

edited for grammar.

[This message edited by Iwillrecover at 8:19 PM, April 3rd (Friday)]


Posts: 235 | Registered: Jan 2009
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, April 3rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to meet a girl friend tomorrow for a much needed break. Today has been the end of a terrible week.

I need away from him. I even need away from my little girl. I just need to be with my own thoughts and not have anyone (my shop included) need me or need something from me. I need to not be in charge of anything for a minute.

HUGS to all of you and have a peaceful, trigger-free, trickle truth free, weekend.


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, April 4th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((wh))) Hope you get the relaxation you need!

Everyone! Wishes for a peaceful weekend!


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
Iwillrecover
♀ Member
Member # 22329
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, April 4th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((wh))

I hope you get the peace, rest & clarity you need.


Posts: 235 | Registered: Jan 2009
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, April 4th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((wh))

i hope everyone is having a great weekend.

i'm trying not to think about the test results. doing okay but not great on that.

other than that, it is a beautiful day here. i'm doing my best to enjoy it.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, April 4th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iwillrecover...

Unfortunately I pick fights all the time so I don't know whether he will do it.

Oh can I relate to this. I did it all the time. My gawd I was horrible.

Then I figured out the reasoning behind it. I wasn't feeling my needs were being met. I was afraid. I was feeling rejected and abandoned. We totally sucked at any proper communication.

So, the more I pushed him, even if it meant I had to pick a fight, I still got a reaction. Mission accomplished.

It took me a lot of work to break the cycle and be a better communicator.

I didn't like who I had become when I picked a fight. Don't get me wrong. I know why I did it and it certainly served a purpose and I most certainly learned from it.

(((((Iwill)))))


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, April 4th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let me ask you all something. I know we are all at different stages of this, but I would like to know:

1) What are you doing just for *you*?

2) What have you been able to learn about yourself?


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, April 4th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ohp, hope you don't mind if i answer.

1 not enough

2 I really love my wife


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, April 4th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. anything i want. if i want to play wii, i play wii. if i want to watch tv, i watch tv. if i want to read, i read. even if the dishes aren't done. even if the house is not clean and no one has clean underwear. my youngest is 15, and does her own laundry, and is more than capable of feeding herself, so i just kind of let things go if i don't feel like doing it. h is picking up the slack. i won't do this forever, obviously, but for now it's helping me.

2. that sometimes i just have to let go. i can't control everything.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, April 4th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,

1. Lots of things I used to do in secret, like writing. For some strange reason, this heartbreak has made me realize that I've wasted a lot of time worrying I wasn't good enough for my husband. I was always worried that he wouldn't be proud of me or think I was any good.

2. Which leads me to what I've learned about myself-- if my husband is not my best friend and biggest cheerleader, then I have done something wrong by marrying him. I really believe that in order for me to make peace with what has happened, I need to do my part to make sure our relationship is BETTER than it was before. That means including him in every part of me, even the vulnerable parts, and having enough confidence in myself to allow him in.

So far it is working, and everyday I think I am inching toward forgiveness and acceptance.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
Iwillrecover
♀ Member
Member # 22329
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, April 5th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ohpuhlease,

Thanks again. I just got off the phone with him. Picking at him but he can't fight with me as he has 2 male colleagues in the car. I can hear them they are male.

I am mad at him for only calling me & having to hang up after 2 mins at 1.30 pm after leaving at 6.30 am.

Then I call him & don't hear back until 6.30 pm for another 7 minutes.

Then I get about another 5 mins at 7.30 when I call him again. He says each time he has to go & will get back to me.

I called him at 9pm, no answer & again at 10.15pm no answer & then he just got back to me & I was horrible to him & questioning him & bitching him out while I could hear his colleagues in the background. They can't find a hotel, probably cos of spring break. I heard him talking to the front desk person at the hotel. He is responsible for everyone on this trip & they are around everytime I call.

He has good reason to be unable to speak to me & I would've understood in the past but after his ONS last time he was out of town I cannot be reasonable.

As for your questions

1. I'm only doing what I've always done & that is what I have to do, work, clean, run errands. I love my work though I'm doing only the minimum.

2. I've learned that when I am hurt & angry I make things worse by my behavior. I should accept him & while not condoning it make an effort to be happy & get along or leave him.



Posts: 235 | Registered: Jan 2009
Iwillrecover
♀ Member
Member # 22329
Default  Posted: 2:03 AM, April 5th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so mad. He finally called me after finding a hotel. He is matter of fact about the fact that he didn't call me more often today. I don't suspect he has done anything but I am still mad that he didn't try harder to reassure me.

He said "what would we talk about"?

Probably because he was not alone most of the time but he could have gone to the bathroom during lunch & dinner just to check in & make me feel better.

He doesn't get it!!

He's getting in the shower to be up in 5 1/2 hours & I asked him to call me when he gets out of shower...he said "if you like" & hung up mad at me. I have been very unpleasant every time he has spoken to me & probably very demanding but he's gotta understand why.

[This message edited by Iwillrecover at 2:05 AM, April 5th (Sunday)]


Posts: 235 | Registered: Jan 2009
sadinmidwest
♀ New Member
Member # 23502
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, April 5th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am new to this thread so am still a little confused about how it works, but my H had a ONS 10 days ago with his high school XG of 25 years ago. I found out immediately, and am in shock and numb yet. I immediately insisted on NC and STD testing, (we are waiting for the results of the first batch and the next will be in 28 days.) I guess it makes me feel better that I'm not the only one, because I was so embarrassed and ashamed and I wasn't the one who did anything wrong--my nausea is passing and sleep, while not good, is better than none at all. I intend to reconcile and stay in the M, but obviously need time to work on that--my H seems truly remorseful and supportive, but right now, unless the kids are around, we say nothing to each other, except for last week, when we talked out all the details and had Q&A together. Thanks for sharing.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Apr 2009
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, April 5th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((iwr))))))

sadinmidwest, welcome to the best club nobody really wants to join. i'm sorry you have to be here, but you have found a great place for support.

i don't go into just found out much right now (hurts too much) but i think i saw that you posted there, too. that's good. this ons thread doesn't get a lot of traffic--jfo gets more. the good thing about this thread, though, is that everyone here is dealing with ons.

have you asked your husband to got to counseling? alot of us here at si find marriage counseling and individual counseling to be crucial. whether you decide to reconcile or separate, counseling can help you work through this.

i'm right there with you waiting for test results. sucks. i didn't do them sooner because my h's ons was almost ten years ago, and neither of us have symptoms, but i have learned you don't always. please let us know when you do get results.

i will go look for your post in jfo, too.

hang in there, and we are all here for you.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, April 6th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning, all.

(((Its))) Are you still waiting? I'm thinking of you & wondering.

Iwill... hello.... I found that I picked fights with H, too. He would finally ask me... why are you so angry today. Well, usually, it had been a trigger... After weeks of doing this... he knows & I know & we try to communicate it.

Hugs (((iwr)))
OhPuhlease: Late, I know, but maybe I can answer the 2 questions?

1. What I do for myself... depends on the day & what I think will help. I just planted a 400 Sq. ft. flower bed with roses & some decor. I find a lot of solace in digging in the dirt & after 4 long years of trying to figure out what to do with "that space" having a plan & seeing it come to fruition. It's healing to me to have a goal come accomplished. Or, I just sit & relax & watch the birds & squirrels. Or, I journal... or read...

2. What I have learned about myself: That I jump to conclusions too easily... too fast. That I can and will heal if I let myself... and he keeps doing the right things.

(((Sad))) I'm so sorry you have to be here. I reiterate what Its said. A good MC or IC or both is very important. There is also some really good information in the Healing Library.


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
Lily4
♀ New Member
Member # 23430
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, April 6th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been over 20 years and I don't know exactly what happened- H refuses to give details, but I'm still very angry. And I'm afraid it's happening again. Number ONS and he says I don't need details, he's sorry. Me, too.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Mar 2009
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, April 6th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One more thing...

Today is the day. We are going to MC this afternoon and I think MC is going to do the hypnosis thing...

I asked H to write down everything he remembers about that day... about the ONS. He has yet to do it that I know of. (I will say that he has had very little extra time) I did a time line of that era of our lives & things kept popping up out of the recesses of my mind. I can't help but think that if he would just sit down with nothing else on his mind.. no work on his mind... he would start remembering some things.

I'm only asking him to remember 3-4 things....

How hard can it be? And like I've said in the past, something that is so damaging to our relationship better damn well be memorable!


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
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