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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread
AnnabelleLee
♀ Member
Member # 23636
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, April 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dbjl,

I don't have any advice for you on the situation with your son, having no kids of my own yet.

I just wanted to let you know lots of us are here for you though!


"Time has told me, you're a rare, rare find... A troubled cure for a troubled mind."
- Nick Drake

Me - BS
Him - WS thelateghost


Posts: 124 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Massachusetts
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, April 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh thank you ABL

Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, April 22nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((dbjl))))))

i haven't been on much the past few days...been busy with car and motorcycle stuff, cleaning, errands, bills, groceries, laundry, etc.

db, i am sorry you are feeling so down about your son's situation. i really don't have any advice either, since my kids are much younger. but know that i will be thinking about you and praying for you.

and, good for you for still going to curves! just getting out and doing something for yourself and exercising is good for you mood.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, April 23rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like I cratered this thread. Sorry ... didn't mean to do that...

I was so distraught over my son & so tired of hurting. I've been hurting since last August (d-day)--- now this ---- dammit & I'm sick of it.

This week, I have been busting my ass... Took its' challenge on getting fit and working in the yard until I'm ready to pass out...

He's doing his best to "fix" it.

Monday is Hypnosis Day 2... back to the MC... to see if he can remember... if he can answer my questions...

I find that I haven't re-read my journal or even journaled in about 2 weeks. I haven't re-read his emails to the other friend... I have only googled OW once in the last two weeks.

I have not had a panic attack in about 3 weeks. I haven't cried as much about the A over the last 3 weeks.

I did have that really big upheaval last Friday...
I have checked out one other friend several times... that's ok... not a big player in the grand scheme of things.

Do I dare ask it? Am I getting better about this? Am I moving on?


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, April 23rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

db, i think you are making progress...

you are still on that rollercoaster, though, so don't be disheartened if you find yourself going down again...it's all part of the process.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, April 23rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You may be right, its. But I hope not. I'm so tired of this pain.

He has a big weekend planned with going up your way. At first, we were just going up for the day. We have to be back for church Sunday morning because we have the music ministry this week.

But, he's taking off work early tomorrow so we can leave tomorrow.. has a room near the arena.. Last year when we saw Springsteen, we ate at this wonderful little Italian place not too far from the arena.. so he's looked that up so we can go there...

No telling what else he has planned. That's so him... always "treating" me....

And I'm always obsessing.


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
rainbowlittle
♀ Member
Member # 22334
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, April 26th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have not posted in sometime but i have been reading of and on....
Dont know what i am asking here but just wanted to share i guess...
It has been eights months now and I seem to be in a state of neutrality...after those agonising months of pain and trauma....now each morning i dont wake up and think about it....its just that i dont feel any joy in the whoel new day thing...dont feel that high but again i dont feel very depressed either.
I seem to feel a heaviness of life and a kind of maturity....as if i have aged a lot and I know life is quite a short one and has its up and downs...
Does it mean i have reached a place where i have accepted life's unfairness and raw deals?
We have not done IC or MC ...at one point i wanted to but then with no childcare etc could manage the time or enthusiasm i guess. Now i dont feel any interest in that anymore. WH has been "normal"....asked for forgiveness in early months and after that has quitely listened to my rants and raves saying there is nothing i can do now to turn things around....
frankyl speaking i also felt that....there is actually notihng he can do to change things for me....even if he showers me with roses and jewelery or undivided attention NOW it wont make any difference to me.
I wont be able to take it in the right spirits.
We have been slowly socialising again with the friends circle which i used to find draining...now i kind of enjoy the distraction in my life....just observing there life...
i have started exercising, reading, looking out for a job etc. i hope these help further.
Actually the ONS thing now seems to me as what happened in the "past" whereas in early months it was what was happening to me THEN. So have i accepted that it was in my past, whatever may i do i can NEVER change it so I am trying to live again right?
The only thing is that we have been behaving like before (a lot of comm problems, ego issues, family issues) so occasional fights etc are all there. But i some how dont rise to the bait anymore much as i see it...like it was always he would say something sarcastic or cynical and i would immediately burst out in anger.
But now i like tell myself whats the point, he is like this only by nature so is there any point in having a fight? so altohugh i do blow up at times mostly its reduced...we used to have ugly fights...
is this personal progress for me? I am ashamed to say i used to tkae out my frustration and anger on my DD too but now i understand the source of my frustration and so i can handle myself with her better and i think she too is having less tantrums becos of it.
I have noticed WH a bit depressed ...i think he has always been that way only thing i used to think he is introverted and quiet maybe thats why. But i think its more of a bit of depression.
Do some non expressive WHs feel remorse even if they dont keep telling/expressing it?
We dont have "ONS talks" anymore....if i am sad and want some soft touch I just call him to come to me...he has never been the hugging kissing kind (i was and still am) but never refuses or shies awy if i do it...and also told me its not that he doesnt like it but he cant do it himself.
Maybe the only thing i can say is that i have lost the sexual drive (i always had it more than him although his was also ok and i used to initiate most of the time although he never refused ever). After DDAy i hated the fact that i want sex but felt disgusted that i loved sex with someone who slept with a prostitute...and so that push and pull from inside was disturbing me a lot....now this month we just had it once and i feel so much relief..i dont know about him becos he probably feels that sex should be on only when i want it....but i feel i dont want to deal with the tension of it and hence avoiding it is best....
the thing is i feel relief and freedom and am not missing action at all!! i cant understand it...i used to be raring to go :)
well WH also told me that probably sex is the biggest problem around the world..in the sense it creates so many disgusting problems...so probably he is better off too....dont know i think we are completely crazy but its worknig for us...
I dont feel a pressure to have sex with him, want sex with him and then feel like shit after it...
instead most times i cuddle and snuggle and feel the warmth....and sometimes give him a bit of hand
Maybe just maybe i might not be feeling "safe" with him....could this be the reason? I maybe thinking that if we dont have sex at least the health issues will not be added to our problems...
(Note: WH confessed becos he was terrified that he may have some STD and pass it on..so he confessed before we were ever physical still i am completely scared about all sorts of things which can happen if he God forbid repeats himself ...we were each others first and hence felt totally secured before).
He keeps saying it will never happen again...on a rational level i think i believe it and thats why probably i am still here ..no maybe am here only for my DD's family...
but on an emotional level its very tough to accept and be open again....
I do feel jealous ..inanely so when i see my friends etc with their spouses or even when i read something....dont know if this is common...i never had a jealous bone in my body before this happened...
I have reached a conclusion that i feel acceptance of the past (dont know if i can forgive but i can stay without forgiving) but i am not secured or safe about the future...so i dont even have the energy to deal with my marriage right now. Now i am concerned about feeling safe.
I havent spoken to WH but i am sure he will not be able to help me with anything simple because i have realised he is not a matured soul at all. His growth has not happened be it FOO or whatever reason.....so am stuck...anyone any ideas to feel safe or is it just a feeling you try to develop out of thin air?
can i have anything concrete..? a post nuptial of sometihng sounds so weird or moneyminded....
So that my story as of now...one thing i am glad to put those eraly months behind and I want to tell the new members here that "it too shall pass" you WILL get thorugh this ....in whatever shape you come out at least you will be out of the spinning machine :)


Bad marriages don't cause infidelity; infidelity causes bad marriages.
-Frank Pittman


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2009
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, April 27th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sry all, i forgot to unjoin this fine group. it seems she made another mistake, just before Christmas. don't we all just love the holidays .

But i am still in the reconciliation club. (patting myself on the back).

tc


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, April 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, the hypnosis is one big freaking joke...

Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
Cila
♀ New Member
Member # 5612
Default  Posted: 5:19 AM, April 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi guys. My FWW's infidelities were all ONS's as well. The thing that hurts me the most is that so much was gambled for so damned little. There was no emotional attachment to the OM, no pining, no fog. Just down and dirty quickie sex. It all seems so pointless.

I can relate mama! I don't know if the ONS were quickies, My hub admitted to about 6 while were married and happened usually during my pregnancies. So STD and Hiv testing weere constant, after the second d-day that was pretty much it for me.I've left him and am getting a divorce.Waiting for an attorney to contact me.It hurts and sucks, that this stbxh was basically playin russian roulette with me and my babies lives.Believe me i was tempted to commit homicide but prayer and lookin up info on the subject of adulterers and cheaters helped a lot in understandin the mindest of cheaters. They are selfish, screwed up individuals and hey at least you aren't them.
C.


Jesus Rocks!
Me-BS 33
Him-WS 23
2 DDays,1st august of 2005; 2nd i can't remember.
2 beautiful children
No Reconciliation
Looking forward to Divorce

Posts: 49 | Registered: Oct 2004 | From: NY
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, April 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rainbow... thinking of you. Thanks for your post; I think we can all relate.

Dbjl... what happened???


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, April 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

good morning all and hugs.

dbjl, what happened? are you ok?


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, April 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SOS Same old Shit. The MC didn't put him under a 2nd time. Just wanted to know where he was since last meeting & what, if anything he remembers.

A particular date popped into his head, but doesn't make sense.

How can anything so fucking destructive to us be so inconsequential to his memory?

Oh God...fucking two women in the same time frame must have been some ego boost for him... wonder if it was worth it to him for destroying me....

For destroying our relationship.
For destroying our marriage.
For destroying the joy we had in each other.


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Revenge  Posted: 5:14 PM, April 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well, so long. Can't say I ever really got much help here anyway.

Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, April 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

db, i am sorry you feel like you didn't get any help.

i know we all want to help you.

pm me if you want.

i am praying for you.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, April 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow... I just read dbjl's posts and I'm sad. I hope she's okay.

A quick question for those six or so months out-- how often do you guys talk about 'it'? We went for a long time without talking about it (three weeks, maybe?) and had a big, cathartic blowout on Sunday morning.

Is that how it's supposed to work? I don't know-- I just know that I definitely had some pent up feelings/worries/frustrations and felt better after our scream/cry session. Not sure if that's normal-- maybe we should be talking about it more often? Less often?


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, April 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((((DB)))))))
I'm sorry you didn't feel like you got help here... I know YOU helped me several times and I appreciate that so much, thank you.

We're here for you, all you have to do is reach out.


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, April 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1Marley,

I think that is probably common - tomorrow is my 6 month mark... for now I'm staying. I'm giving myself 6 more months to check in and reflect.

We haven't talked about it AT ALL and I specifically mentioned it the other night in MC. I told him HE needs to set a time to talk about us. He went to IC last week too and came back and talked a little... ETA - I think a blow up will be inevitable if we don't have any communication on IT.

We're progressing a little everyday.

We started a workout/eating program together and that has been a good team builder for us.

Our house is coming along and its fulfilling to see the fruits of our hard work. I think that is truly helpful to H too.

Hugs and warm thoughts to all. Sorry I've been 'out' just a really busy time for me and I was finding I was getting a little bogged down by the site. I will continue to lurk a little.

I'm ALWAYS here for all of you, just a PM away.

[This message edited by whathappenedtome at 11:50 AM, April 29th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
AnnabelleLee
♀ Member
Member # 23636
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, April 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 14 months out and I still have blowups. We will go a month or longer without any meltdowns, and then one day I just feel really crappy, and I end up crying all over again.

A lot of people in this forum say that much of the first year is a bit of a daze, trying to survive, and that most of the healing happens after that.


"Time has told me, you're a rare, rare find... A troubled cure for a troubled mind."
- Nick Drake

Me - BS
Him - WS thelateghost


Posts: 124 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Massachusetts
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, April 30th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

we are about 7 months out, and don't talk about it much anymore. we talked about it daily at first, and as we talked more, and worked through more, we talked less often.

we still talk about it when one of us needs to, and while i don't think we are completely done talking about it, i think we are pretty close to putting it behind us.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
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