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User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread
Devestatedx5
♀ Member
Member # 16557
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, June 22nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

itspjw

why can't it just go away and stay away?
he was drunk and stupid one freaking night and made the worst decision possible.

he chose me. i know this. he wasn't looking for that to happen. i know this. he was drunk and lonely and depressed and stupid. i know this.

how do i let it go?

That's the million dollar question, isn't it. I, too, had a minor relapse over the weekend. It's like a scar, one can go about their business all day, and then have just a quick glance at the scar, and many of those negative feelings just swamp us all over again.

The scar in never going to go away. It's a part of you now. You are GOING to have those moments of negativity - I believe (for myself) probably the rest of my life.

But those moments become less and less intense, further and further apart.

Keeping the intimacy (not just the sex) between you growing and strong will help keep those negative moments further and further apart.

So, too, will talking to your FWH when those feelings last for more than a day or two. He should be able to offer concrete assurances to you during these times.

Run forward instead of pulling back. Over and over and over again until it becomes habit.

[This message edited by Devestatedx5 at 7:41 AM, June 22nd (Monday)]


FBS-me (49)
FWH(57) ONS 8.19.07
Dday: 9.19.07
Married +26 years
RE-MARRIED 4.28.11
----------
Proverbs 31:10-31
Sometimes people are SO open-minded that that their brains fall out.

Posts: 2598 | Registered: Oct 2007
lost2009
♀ Member
Member # 24526
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, June 22nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

New here. Just posted in Just Found Out and was referred here. I've got lots of reading to do.

WH admitted to ONS against the advice of his counselor. (By the way what is IC? Figured some sort of counseling but couldn't find it in the Healing Library.)

His story sounds like some of the others on here. Drunk out of his mind at a bar - I was out of town. He claims not to remember her name or barely what she looked like. He couldn't finish and sent her away. Has been sick with guilt and remorse ever since. it drives me nuts that I can't get the details I want. Every time I go out somewhere I am looking at other women wondering - is that her?

We are trying to R, and we've had lots of heart to hearts since then and discovered a lot of things about us and each other. It's been painful and wonderful at the same time. Until this I thought our relatinship was great but turns out we had lots of communication issues.

I am still a complete basket case, though, but H doesn't really want to talk about ONS anymore. Oh he will if I bring it up, but he obviously avoids the subject. I can't sweep it under the rug, yet, though, if ever. Does it ever get easier? When??


Me BW-32
WH-34
Together 7 years married 3 years
No kids, 2 furbabies
D-Day #1 6/12/09 (ONS 5/5/09)
D-Day #2 8/17/09 discovered him flirting, texting, and emailing OW

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Texas
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, June 22nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

welcome, lost. i'm glad you came and joined us in this thread.

ic is individual counseling. mc is marriage counseling.

sounds like your h is in ic. have you considered it for yourself? have you considered mc?

he needs to talk to you as much as you want to talk about it. sweeping under the rug just hides it while it festers and rots and creates a horrible stink. this is where a good mc can be so helpful.

((((((hugs))))))


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
lost2009
♀ Member
Member # 24526
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, June 22nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. Yes, I told him I wanted to do MC, but I haven't set it up yet. He hasn't mentioned it at all so it will be up to me. Should we go to a different one than he goes to for IC? I am not sure I would want to go to that one anyway since she told him to NOT tell me about the ONS. However, I *guess* that is pretty much SOP? I have heard that advice a lot: "Don't tell, you will just be doing it to make yourself feel better (relieve guilt) but it will just make things worse..."


Me BW-32
WH-34
Together 7 years married 3 years
No kids, 2 furbabies
D-Day #1 6/12/09 (ONS 5/5/09)
D-Day #2 8/17/09 discovered him flirting, texting, and emailing OW

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Texas
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, June 22nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

we used the same c for both. it worked very well for us, but it doesn't work for everyone.

he was my ic first, but once i brought mr. its in, it was all about saving the marriage, which included our individual healing. we did sometimes see him alone, to work on our own issues, but we gave c permission to discuss anything in our individual session with the other or in mc. we don't have anything to hide from each other, it is just sometimes easier to talk things through with the other one not there, then bring it up in the next joint session.

i'm not sure about your h's ic, but you could always try a joint session and see how you feel after that. if you don't feel comfortable with that c, then you can look for another one.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, June 22nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((lost))) sorry you are here.

(((its))) it's been awhile

From its:

we gave c permission to discuss anything in our individual session with the other or in mc. we don't have anything to hide from each other, it is just sometimes easier to talk things through with the other one not there,

It has not worked well for us. We are trying to get an appointment now with a new MC. My old IC became our MC.
Perhaps it's just him. We are very unhappy with him.

Lost, I will say that you are very, very new to this. Didn't I see the the ONS was in May & D-Day in June?

My FWH had his ONS 5 years ago (before we got married) and D-Day was this past August.

Somedays are great. Some are pretty miserable,. Not knowing is making me crazy. WH has forgotten so much that I tell him it's a wonder he even remembers her! (They were friends .... she was married!)

Our MC says I don't need to know. Too many people on SI say WRONG.,, you need what you need... & no one else can tell you what you need.

Devestated: You had great post! Like I've said many times: Two steps forward & one step back.

But our MC makes it like I"m so in the wrong & keeps saying that it's time for me to get over it & move on. Trouble is.... no one tells me how to do that.

I want to have answers so that I know there will be no more trickle truth.

Hang in there all you (us).. I keep thinking my marriage is worth saving as long as he continues to do the right things...


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, June 22nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((db)))

it does sound like you need a new mc, db. good luck with that.

(((((hugs for all)))))


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
3mtnlabbie
♀ Member
Member # 21948
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, June 23rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all.
Sorry you are here Lost 2009 but this has been my lifeline at some points and hopefully our community will serve as a place of insight and a place of learning.

On my end things seems to be going better than usual...

H went to IC today as his IC is also our MC. Our initial MC with him (our original MC which I really liked got an amazing position and pawned us off... not really but we needed somebody else) wasn't exactly want I wanted or was looking for. MC wanted to focus on communication and I wanted to focus on US and what was WRONG with us and the ONS and how it fucked everything up and for H to understand there is no time line for my healing, etc...

So our new MC the second session decides that it would be good to meet with H one-on-one for the next session and to address the Porn habits and dig into him a bit more and then have a joint MC session.

H went to IC today and I just want to pry. I am a nosy lady I guess! I am SO detail oriented (and that sucks because I still have mind movies ALL the time about the ONS) and some of the stuff H is working on is "guy business" which MC warned me about PRIOR to H's IC session...

DAM GUYS!

Needless to say... I am healing but still HATE all of this.

I think I have decided I want a new ring setting and marriage band. I want to move my rings to my right hand. I think I have grown SO much as an individual and the symbolism that was represented by my marriage band has been broken.

Hugggggs for all...


Me: BW 27 (January 1982)
Him: WS: 29 (June 1980)
Together - since 12/10/2002 (almost 7 years)
Married - 09/03/2005 (4 years - and kind of surprised we made it this far...)
Children - 3 (all fur babies)
His ONS - 11/29/2008

DDay - 12/01/2008


Posts: 90 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Rocky Mountains
lost2009
♀ Member
Member # 24526
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, June 23rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost, I will say that you are very, very new to this. Didn't I see the the ONS was in May & D-Day in June?

Yes, I am really new, unfortunately...


Me BW-32
WH-34
Together 7 years married 3 years
No kids, 2 furbabies
D-Day #1 6/12/09 (ONS 5/5/09)
D-Day #2 8/17/09 discovered him flirting, texting, and emailing OW

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Texas
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, June 23rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

good to see you 3m. it sounds like your mc has a plan to use ic with your h this time as a springboard for your next mc. this could be a good thing. we did this some.

i want new rings, too, but not until i am sure i can commit.

lost, i'm glad you are still here. yes, it is unfortunate any of us have to be, but this place kept me, and still keeps me, sane.

(((((hugs)))))


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
lost2009
♀ Member
Member # 24526
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, June 23rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had ring issues, too. Not so much with mine (yet), but within hours after finding out my eyes gravitated toward his ring and I told him if we stayed together he needed to get a new one. The old one is a symbol of broken vows not to mention it touched HER...
He asked me if I wanted him to stop wearing it but I said no. Great idea - quit wearing your wedding ring and just invite all the sluts to come chasing after you (as if they didn't already)....


Me BW-32
WH-34
Together 7 years married 3 years
No kids, 2 furbabies
D-Day #1 6/12/09 (ONS 5/5/09)
D-Day #2 8/17/09 discovered him flirting, texting, and emailing OW

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Texas
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, June 23rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost, we all feel your pain right now. I think you will find eventually that some days are good and some days are not so good, and that's the way it will be for awhile.

You have more control over this than you think (at least that has helped me get through the last year). Arrange the marriage counseling yourself. Tell your husband you need to set a time to talk about it and get your questions answered honestly. That was a turning point for me, and wouldn't have happened without my initiation.

You asked when it gets easier. I don't know that it does. The pain gets manageable, I think, but only when the betrayed feels completely heard and the cheating spouse (ugh, yucky phrase) shows true remorse and transparency from here on out.

The only thing that has gotten me through some very dark days has been the idea that our relationship will never be the same, as scary as it sounds. It must be better. That will take BOTH of your commitment to make that happen. He needs to do whatever it takes, for as long as it takes, to make you comfortable and safe with him again.

Best of luck to you, Lost.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, June 24th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

good morning, all!

i just dropped in to share that today i am feeling good, even though he left for a trip this morning. he left me a really sweet note and left the coffee ready to go. (he leaves very early, before i am up)

i am sharing this to let you all know, there are good days. things do get better.

(((((hugs)))))


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
sharonons
♀ Member
Member # 24462
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, June 24th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG as trial as it seems I too am having ring issues. I tell myself its trivial but after reading this im not alone. I stupidly asked him to recommit to me at our 5 year wedding anniversary. April 09.I went to trouble of having at the same bed and breakfast, same restaurante for dinner, same minister. In my mind it was a do-over. He led me to believe that too. I bought him a new ring and put one on layaway for me. A week later in MC he says he went for the food and the sex? Totally not what i thought our meaning for doing this was. Now i dont want my ring on layaway!!! I found out about ONS after this recommittment. I found out he had a ONS a couple weeks before our wedding(first one) when i was pregnant for our son.DDAY End of May 09. Now im just so pissed off. Our MC says well at least he loved you enough to go through with the wedding and hide it from u for 5 years!! Can u believe it? I'm so glad its not just me looking at my rings on my finger in disgust.

Posts: 568 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: NY
lost2009
♀ Member
Member # 24526
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, June 24th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our MC says well at least he loved you enough to go through with the wedding and hide it from u for 5 years!!

That's effed up! What is it with counselors? My WH's IC told him NOT to tell me about the ONS in which he didn't use any protection. Hello??!! I would not have known I had to get STD checked if he hadn't told me! I could have had serious illness, become infertile or died!! WTF??

[This message edited by lost2009 at 4:39 PM, June 24th (Wednesday)]


Me BW-32
WH-34
Together 7 years married 3 years
No kids, 2 furbabies
D-Day #1 6/12/09 (ONS 5/5/09)
D-Day #2 8/17/09 discovered him flirting, texting, and emailing OW

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Texas
3mtnlabbie
♀ Member
Member # 21948
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, June 24th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH's IC told him NOT to tell me about the ONS in which he didn't use any protection.

Are you kidding me!???!!!! I ma actually about 30 weeks away from being a licensed counselor and that is actually grounds for a suit... Not that we don't have more crap on our hands but the questions you raised are just so true, what if you got a disease that killed you???

Its - glad you are having a good day.

I guess my issue with my ring is that he gave me it as a gift and with that came a promise. Well no shit Sherlock - that promise to be FAITHFUL was broken... I want mine but as a reminder of where I have been and where I never want to be again. With that reminder - and a healthy one as I have so much faith that we will be R one day - I want it on my right hand and not my left. I think it would be appropriate to have a new ring with a re-commitment but a heart felt one. Not just the typical marriage vows - but something from the heart.

I have worn a ring on my right hand that he gave me a long time ago that had a iced blue sapphire in it. I'm on my third band and second sapphire that I still wore. I think my sapphire might be making a journey to my left hand but geesh - tmi. sorry.

It makes me sick that the ring I have him touched OW! He broke the promise that came along with my wedding band. I haven't broken my promise to him...

In a weird way I want to hold on to that hurt just to make him know what he has done to me but at the same time I want to heal and the fact that I'm not constantly hurt all the times is a good sign.

Our assignment from our MC (also H's IC and assigned during his last IC) was for us to define what is:
independent
codependent
and shoot I can't remember the last one... I think he wants to get to the root of where we were BEFORE H's ONS so we don't take a path ever down memory's lane like that again.

(((everybody)))


Me: BW 27 (January 1982)
Him: WS: 29 (June 1980)
Together - since 12/10/2002 (almost 7 years)
Married - 09/03/2005 (4 years - and kind of surprised we made it this far...)
Children - 3 (all fur babies)
His ONS - 11/29/2008

DDay - 12/01/2008


Posts: 90 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Rocky Mountains
sharonons
♀ Member
Member # 24462
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, July 3rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Back to the ring issue. I just called place where my new one is on layaway. If it hasn't been sized. I decided i'm going to return it. I dont want it becasue its another symbol of shattered vows. Damn they have sized it. I have to keep it now. Guess it will look pretty in my jewelry box.

Posts: 568 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: NY
3mtnlabbie
♀ Member
Member # 21948
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, July 4th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sharon -
Maybe you can use this ring for YOU and who YOU are. I have talked to my H about the ring thing as he reads this and is obviously gaining much insight but I told him the ring is a symbol. Maybe you put the new sized ring on your left hand as a commitment to yourself and who you are and when you are confident about your R and your M then you do something the two of you choose.

Sorry I'm a thread killer for some reason.

Huggs to all and happy 4th.


Me: BW 27 (January 1982)
Him: WS: 29 (June 1980)
Together - since 12/10/2002 (almost 7 years)
Married - 09/03/2005 (4 years - and kind of surprised we made it this far...)
Children - 3 (all fur babies)
His ONS - 11/29/2008

DDay - 12/01/2008


Posts: 90 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Rocky Mountains
lost2009
♀ Member
Member # 24526
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, July 6th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question about 180. When I was reading about it in the library at first I did not think it pertained to me. From what I could tell it was for BS's whose WS's were still involved in an A, or maybe recently ended it and were still in the "fog". However if the WS had a ONS and there was no true A, and no fog, is there a point in doing the 180?
I'm just so confused. I disregarded the 180 and I've just been letting my WH see my raw emotional roller coaster, including jealousy (which I never was before). He was really good at first - saying all the right things - but after an incident this weekend, let's say actions speak louder than words, and he did NOT do all the right things.
I talked to a GF of mine and she told me I should stop showing him my emotions and just appear happy and confident all the time, and start taking care of myself - working out, etc. to make myself appear more attractive to him. There was more, but she was basically describing the 180 although she didn't know what that was.
I don't know what to do. I think there is some merit to what she is saying, but then again if I just seem happy all the time - won't he just think I'm "over it" and want to sweep the whole thing under the rug? He has already told me that seeing me crying and hurting is his "punishment" (since I have expressed regret that it seems like I am the one being punished while he just gets to go back to his normal life even though he is the one who had the ONS).


Me BW-32
WH-34
Together 7 years married 3 years
No kids, 2 furbabies
D-Day #1 6/12/09 (ONS 5/5/09)
D-Day #2 8/17/09 discovered him flirting, texting, and emailing OW

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Texas
floridagirl
♀ Member
Member # 24640
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, July 6th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH had MANY ONS and then the last was a full blown A and yes the A hurt me worse because of the E part of it but the recovering of the ONS seems to be just as hard.


BW (me)41
FWH (him)almost 44
Met on Fri married Thur
Married july 2010 for 21 years
4 great boys 23 20 18 15
I THINK WE CAN MAKE IT THROUGH THE WINDS AND THE STORMS OF CHANGE kid rock


Posts: 237 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Guess
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