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User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, August 5th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you both. I am still struggling a lot. There is a lot going on right now, and we are arguing a lot in general. The betrayal hangs between us like a black cloud.

Here's a question: How much "empathy" am I supposed to have? My husband keeps reminding me how much HE has suffered as a result of what he's done, how HE has beaten himself up thoroughly and suffers because of what he's done. Don't get me wrong-- he's not underestimating MY hurt in all of this. He just feels like HIS hurt is just as legitimate in the recovery process.

Ostensibly, I understand that. I'm an empathetic person by nature. If the tables were turned (and I'm not naive enough to say it would be IMPOSSIBLE for me to cheat on my husband-- I think we are all capable of it on some level) I would be similarly horrified with myself. It would kill me to be in his shoes.

And yet... if I empathize too much, I find myself thinking I'm a silly and weak woman.

(sorry for the inarticulate post-- I'm in a rush :(

Any thoughts?


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, August 6th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's a question: How much "empathy" am I supposed to have?

That's a good question and a tough one to answer. I think you could offer whatever empathy you can muster.

Having said that, I probably have no empathy whatsoever in regards to the the choice he made to have his ONS. Just as your FWH can never truly empathize with you being a BS and all the issues and hurt that has caused. You can certainly try your best to understand each other but I think being truly empathetic is really difficut.

If the tables were turned (and I'm not naive enough to say it would be IMPOSSIBLE for me to cheat on my husband-- I think we are all capable of it on some level)

Although I don't disagree with this, I also believe that to be truly empathetic we must be able to imagine ourselves in that exact same position, with our Ms in the exact same state and all other things being equal. So even if I sit here and say we all have the possibility of having and A, I've never done this to my H so I just cannot relate to him or be empathetic on that same level.

Not being able to have empathy for someone doesn't mean anything negative. It just simply means we do not understand.


I do have alot of empathy for the struggles, work and effort that it has taken to rebuild our M. In other words, I have empathy for him from the first day we were in R. I think it has to do with so much time passing as well as knowing and believing we are a team again. This I feel like we went through together, whereas his choice to have a ONS we did not. Kwim?

[This message edited by ohpuhlease at 7:57 AM, August 6th (Thursday)]


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, August 6th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((1Marley)))))

I don't have any advice, but will second what ohpuhlease said.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, August 6th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ohpuhlease.... so thankful for you.

Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, August 7th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((MARLEY)))))))


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, August 16th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just checking in to see how everyone is doing?


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, August 20th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I keep think that the lack of people posting must have something to do with less people going through this?? That's my hope, anyway.

I am doing okay, but a little rocky lately. I just hate that I think about the ONS every day, multiple times a day. I hate that I still dream about it and still have doubts that it really was just ONE time, as my husband promises. I am almost a year out-- shouldn't I be further along than this by now? We've done so much work, but at my worst I doubt that any amount of work will help me accept and find peace with what happened.

Today my husband and I took driving tests in our new state. He failed the test and I passed it, and he was beating himself up like crazy. It was really funny until he said "this is by far the stupidest thing I've ever done".

I gave him a look that said, "Oh you did NOT just say that."

Thankfully, he let it go and didn't berate me for making him feel like crap again.... but he certainly didn't acknowledge that we both are well aware of the stupidest thing he's ever done. I hate that we have such different ways of handling this.

I wish I could rewind to last year at this time. I wish I could have stopped it from happening. I don't think I'll ever get over that I can't.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
ArialRose
♀ Member
Member # 24735
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, August 24th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1Marley, I so know how you feel. If I had just gone up to our cabin that night instead of waiting until the next day I could have prevented it from happening. We can not beat ourselves up, we didn't prevent it, they did it and now we all live with it. I am trying to live in the here and now because I can't change the past.


ArialRose-BS
in our 40's
M 28 years, together 30 years
3 DSs (adult)
D-Day: 3/23/09, Major TT 2/10/10 5/24/10,10/30/10, & 12/12/10.
Inappropriate online conversations on my part- 10/2011

FOR FUCKS SAKE!


Posts: 2165 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: arialrose
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, August 25th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((1Marley))))

(((((Arial Rose)))))

Neither one of you are responsible for what he did HE is responsible. And, you will get through this on your own time. There is no set timetable. Everyone is different.

I haven't posted here much because I have been dealing with other issues, and kind of put the ONS on the back burner for a bit. Not sweeping, but put on hold.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, August 25th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ohpuhlease... just have to say that every time I view this page and see your signature, "WE ARE RECONCILED" it makes me feel hopeful. I want to write that someday and truly feel it, like you do.

Arial and itspjw... thank you. Feeling like I'm not the only person on the planet struggling like this is so helpful. Hope all is going well with you both.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, August 25th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, 1Marley. I'm so glad that I can help someone else by sharing.

Right now, the ONS is not at the forefront of what I am dealing with. I do have to say that my H has done everything I have asked and more, and I don't have anything negative to say about his current behavior. And he is very supportive in what I am dealing with now (Sab).

Oh, and I, too, always get a lift when I see ohpuhlease's signature. It gives me hope that it will be worth it!


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, August 26th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ohpuhlease... just have to say that every time I view this page and see your signature, "WE ARE RECONCILED" it makes me feel hopeful. I want to write that someday and truly feel it, like you do.

Well, it took over two years for me to really be able to say it out loud. I felt like we were reconciled some time before that but I didn't want to jinx anything.

It was a tough road. Besides the initial finding out part and the immediate aftermath, I think the hardest part for me was going into year #2. That was really the 'make or break' part of it for me. I either had to accept this was always going to be a part of my M history or not. The amount of learned about myself in this time has been overwhelming but probably much needed.

Oddly enough, I feel much more secure with myself. I feel I've gained strength where there was once weakness. I've been able to be decisive where normally I would have procrastinated.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
ArialRose
♀ Member
Member # 24735
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, August 27th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all...it does help to know that others are experiencing the same struggles and have R.

I do have to admit that my M is better than it has EVER been. I believe that is why I have progressed fairly quickly through the stages because I am happier now.

It's hard to hang on to hurt of betrayal when my life is so much better.

I have also gained more respect for myself and my FWH because I bucked the advice of all of those who said "dump him" (our adult children included). He courageously faced all of the "stink eyes" and proved he is a great H and we are closer than ever.

Sometimes good things do come out of tragedy.

Good luck to you!


ArialRose-BS
in our 40's
M 28 years, together 30 years
3 DSs (adult)
D-Day: 3/23/09, Major TT 2/10/10 5/24/10,10/30/10, & 12/12/10.
Inappropriate online conversations on my part- 10/2011

FOR FUCKS SAKE!


Posts: 2165 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: arialrose
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, August 30th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can honestly say that we are "better" as a result of the work we've done since the ONS. I have had quite a few down moments (really, really down moments), but when the smoke from those moments clears and I look at things objectively I can see that I am stronger, and so is he. I have taken him down from his pedestal, and I have been able to look more objectively at life and love and all that goes into a partnership with another human being. It hurts when I think about what happened, and I still wish I didn't have to. I still hate the choice he made that night. But our lives are happy now, for the most part. Not perfect (no one's is), but happy. And better. I don't want to live in the past anymore. I want to concentrate on the good (why does it make me cry to say that?).

My focus now has to be about finding acceptance and forgiveness, real forgiveness, which is so hard. Like ohpuhlease said... I either have to decide this is part of my marriage history or it isn't. History being the operative word. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, right?

I'm on the way...slowly but surely... thanks in part to you guys. This forum has been such a blessing.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, August 30th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What 1Marley said.

It applies perfectly to me, too.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
ArialRose
♀ Member
Member # 24735
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, August 31st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree 1Marley. We can't change what happened only how we respond. I have given myself permission to "stop beating a dead horse." Once I let go of the anger, guilt, resentment and embraced the R I have less of the down moments and we could focus more on creating the M we want. I can honestly say we have a M to be envied. How did I get here? I know why it happened, was not blindsided, nor truly surprised. We had alot of problems. I did not have to spend a lot of time trying to figure out why?

Best of luck to all of you and thanks for the wonderful support.


ArialRose-BS
in our 40's
M 28 years, together 30 years
3 DSs (adult)
D-Day: 3/23/09, Major TT 2/10/10 5/24/10,10/30/10, & 12/12/10.
Inappropriate online conversations on my part- 10/2011

FOR FUCKS SAKE!


Posts: 2165 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: arialrose
lost.not.alone
♀ New Member
Member # 25167
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, September 3rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband had 3 ONS (3 yrs ago - 2 yrs ago - this year). All while I was out of town with the kids.

I stated in another post that (for me) the absence of any emotional attachment makes this a bit of an easier pill to swallow. I honestly can't say if I would stay with him if there were any emotions (simply because my husband has always shown very little emotions in general). So, coming from him an EA would sting even more.

He is working very hard to create new "habbits" - as he calls them. In the last 7 weeks since DDay he has shown more emotion to me then he had in the last 3 years. He now makes it a point to tell me he loves me and kiss and hug me - on a daily basis. I just hope that his new "habbits" will remain. He is so remorseful - has cried and professed that he will become a better man - a better husband - a better father. I really want to believe him.

I have a hard time with making my mind stay in the present. I picture him with these OW - I know what they look like - through his business - though not in contact with him anymore - even this last one has since moved out of town - hopefully for good because she is a real doozy (taking legal action - long story).

If I wake up before the alarm I am screwed because my mind kicks in and I can't get back to sleep. It has lessened some in the past week or so - so I expect that time will run it's course. But, I know they will never EVER go away. I have a crazy good memory and when an image is burned in my brain it stays forever (like the stitches I got when I was 4 - I could give you every detail of that event). That scares me.


BS(me) 38
19 yrs with H / 13+ yrs married
3 kids (12 yrs and under)
DDay 7.13.09 (I was clueless!)
Full disclosure 7.25.09
We Will Get Through This!

Posts: 27 | Registered: Aug 2009
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, September 5th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost... you just articulated one of my greatest fears in the reconciliation process-- that I will always have these images in my head that will keep me from ever truly being happy or trusting my husband again.

I have to agree with you about the lack of emotion involved with a ONS. At first, I was so disgusted with the fact that my husband actually slept with a HOOKER that I thought it would have been easier to swallow if there had been an emotional connection. Now I know otherwise. The reconciliation would be MUCH harder if there was premeditation and feeling.

That being said, the images I come up with in my head (early morning, in the shower, making breakfast-- they're always there, lurking) are horrible. My husband promises that he doesn't even remember what she looks like... but in my mind she is much prettier and better in bed than me. Of course, right? I think that's where we have to take control of our thoughts and say that they are not helping us at all in this healing. At least that's what we're supposed to do.

Can I ask how you found out? I too was absolutely clueless. I could have so easily remained that way... when I think about how one slip on his part meant the difference between truth and deception, it scares the living crap out of me. I get why he would want to protect himself and never want me to find out... but discovering the evidence the way I did has certainly not helped rebuild trust. Aside from NOT DOING IT AT ALL, I think coming clean to me would have been the only thing to make the recovery process easier.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
ArialRose
♀ Member
Member # 24735
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, September 8th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well my H ONS started as an EA. We were seperated and he started talking with a woman about his problems. OW was divorced and XH was trying to get sole custodey of their son due to her alcoholism. My H and OW developed an emotional attachment becase they both were having problems and became an ear to eachother.

As I have said before, I know why, I understand how. I even understand how he got to the point where he told himself it was ok.

My H was outed by a friend of mine and denied, denied, denied. This person had no reason to lie to me. His denial was so believable that I questioned the validity of the informant. I finally said I know you did it. If you can't come clean we are through. He finally admitted it and I kicked him out. I felt completely numb. No anger, sadness, nothing.

We had been having significant problems for so long. I didn't want to be married to him. I didn't even like him let alone love him. The children and I had detached from him. We tolerated his presence but gave him no respect, affection or support. He found it somewhere else. Do I blame him, not really? We all need love and support. He had none. Do I blame myself. No. I blame us for letting our relationship deteriorate to that point.

It was a big wake up call for both of us. After 4 days of seperation I went to bring him home. He was shocked! He was shocked that not only was I asking him to come home but, I would forgive him, we would work it out and that I loved him. I had never really been to forgiving about anything in the past.

He was like a kid in a candy store, he was so happy and excited. I had not seen him happy in so long.

We are truly R. We are best friends, lovers, are eachothers' biggest supporters.

I have sadness, not because he cheated but because I don't think anything less would have woken us up. I wish we could have gotten here another way but really do not think we could have.

Good luck to all of you and thanks for listening.


ArialRose-BS
in our 40's
M 28 years, together 30 years
3 DSs (adult)
D-Day: 3/23/09, Major TT 2/10/10 5/24/10,10/30/10, & 12/12/10.
Inappropriate online conversations on my part- 10/2011

FOR FUCKS SAKE!


Posts: 2165 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: arialrose
lost.not.alone
♀ New Member
Member # 25167
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, September 8th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadly I found out because he told me - he had to - possible herpes (he's going for another test in a week or so to see if an active cold sore could have led to a false "recent contraction" marker - Dr's recommend). That sucks to write that down!

He only told me of the most recent ONS at first - and then two weeks later confessed to the prior two.

We just came back from a long weekend away - it honest went pretty well. I only had one day when the images were suffocating me. I told him - he said all the right things to reassure me. Since we are only 8 weeks out from DDay - I still worry that he is in some "honeymoon phase" and all his recent, positive changes will disappear.

I'm happy and positive one day and sad and discouraged another - but the good moments are starting to outnumber the bad... so I think we are on the right track.


BS(me) 38
19 yrs with H / 13+ yrs married
3 kids (12 yrs and under)
DDay 7.13.09 (I was clueless!)
Full disclosure 7.25.09
We Will Get Through This!

Posts: 27 | Registered: Aug 2009
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