I still worry that he is in some "honeymoon phase" and all his recent, positive changes will disappear.
I'm happy and positive one day and sad and discouraged another - but the good moments are starting to outnumber the bad...
As far as the herpes, well, many folks have it. Only a FEW will have any significant issues to deal with physically.
Have you been tested yet?
But he did tell you. Many WS deny even in the face of proof. He should get some kuddos for that.
Be positive, but aware. I have forgiven my H but still expect hims to stay close. I'm a little afraid of hunting season though. He goes to the cabin with buddies (OW lives nearby). I'm not afraid of what he will do but how I will feel when he's there. He wants me to go (has always made it clear that he wants me there but I have never went). I'm not sure what to do.
I don't know if I am ready for him to go without me or that if I don't go he will feel like I am not respecting his feelings. I think we need to stop being joined at the hip at some point. If we are always together I will never have a chance to establish trust again.
FOR FUCKS SAKE!
He wants me to go (has always made it clear that he wants me there but I have never went). I'm not sure what to do.
Make the effort and go!
Even if it's just for one season, this is obviously something he enjoys (hunting) and he wants you there WITH him.
What I did just turn down was a trip away with my sister in December. I couldn't have money spent on a plane ticket that I couldn't guarantee I would use. The thought of leaving town again scares the hell out of me - but I know I'll have to face it sooner or later. I refuse to turn myself into a prison warden - keeping track of my husband. But this trip would be only 6 months out from DDay and I just can't see it right now.
But - back to ArialRose - I think I would go on the hunting trip too. You could hang out in the cabin during the time they are out hunting - read - watch movies - it might be fun!
It's weird because in my head I really don't see something like this happening again. But I also didn't see it happening BEFORE it happened, and it did. So I guess I don't trust him, and I don't trust any good feelings I might have about it if he does go.
Arial... I completely agree with your statement about how you can't always be joined at the hip if you want to establish trust again. It's also not at all the relationship I want to have with my husband. But it's so much easier said than done. It's so overwhelming, the amount of work it takes (on both sides) to recover from one night of stupidity.
I find myself in a strange position. I still don't appreciate or want affection form WH. He is trying so hard for the most part.
I annoy with specific things and I HATE repeating myself and he is a horrible listener. It drive me nuts and I'm just being so annoyed by him.
I have also found myself revising D-Day. I don't know if I am doing it because I want to go back to the rage and hatred or if I'm going there for another reason.
I also find myself thinking about OW again. That has been gone for at least 5 months and now back. I want to make her life shit because I feel like ours is.
I want love, affection, and sex but not from H. I feel like we are almost friends now but it's just so much work. We are getting closer to the 1 year mark but I feel like I have regressed so much.
HUGGS TO ALL...
DDay - 12/01/2008
I hear you completely about wanting love and affection from someone other than your husband. I have felt that way often in the last year. But there is a difference between wanting it and WANTING it... you know what I mean? I'm sure you know how counter productive those thoughts are.
We are one month away from the anniversary of D-day. Ironically, we are only a few weeks away from our first wedding anniversary. I'm really trying to focus on the happier of the two. I guess that's my advice to you-- find something happier to focus on in this hard time. A vacation sounds like it might be in order? Just a thought.
1Marley- We are actually doing pretty well since I would have already sold the cabin and moved on if not. He met the OW when he was UP THERE. We have been spending almost every weekend up there for the last 6 months together.
3mtnlabbie-I am so sorry you are going throgh this. I have the opposite problem. I expect affection and sex and have some issues with triggering if I don't get it. The biggest problem for me now is with kissing. When WS was caught he was slopily kissing her in a bar in front of everyone. He was drunk and stupid. There was no sex, because he got caught and he can't get it up when he is drunk but....I want passionate kisses...I am obsessing about it.
We went to MC who told me to just get over it with no ideas on how to get over it.
We are finally going to a CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE COUNSELOR who is absolutely wonderful. He is using a program that takes from 12-16 weeks and helps us learn how to communicate better. I wanted my husband to set one woman straight. He had an online "RELATIONSHIP" ... not sure you can call it an affair with this woman and never told her about me. Walked all around me even to the point of mentioning me in an unfavorable light. I also wanted some specific questions about the ONS. I don't want to know what they did. I know what they did. I don't want to know where it happened, I know where. I don't want to know what he said to her, what she said to him, what she did to him or what he did to her. I know how he looks, what he does & how he sounds when he has sex.
I want to know what she was doing there. I want to know WHEN it happened... I want to know if she knew about me. I want to know these things. But he doesn't remember them....
I've been STUCK ON THIS. Now I'm learning that when I found out about his ONS, it caused me trauma. TRAUMA! And I am suffering from PTSD! I have now been given EMDR to help de-stress me. There are a lot of FOO's for me and my FWH and I am now going to a CHRISTIAN IC. She's the one who did the EMDR for me and also she's going to do another treatment on me to help de-stress me.
I guess in all these words, I'm just trying to say... don't stop trying to get help. I was too a point I wanted to tear my hair out. I was going to a MC who had been my IC & was getting NOWHERE! Not because of me, but because the counselor wasn't doing enough.
Yes, this is costing a fortune, but it's saving my marriage.
I am learning to forgive him.
I will learn to forgive this woman. (SHE was married) and I'm learning to forgive myself.
I probably won't be back to SI. I met some really good people here. I pray you will all find what you need.
good luck on your journey.
there's just too much that time cannot erase
And the more I know, the less I understand
Because of you...I am afraid...
Things have been SO hard for me and I know that the struggles we go through aren't the easiest. I don't know where my path will lead but I do know that I am here for you all.
Blessings and hope you all hare having a better day than not on this Halloween.
Maybe we should all commit to posting a bit more often?
Hi.. I've been lurking the few weeks since finding out, but I need someone who has been through this to listen and give me some advice.
I am a bit concerned because it seems everyone on here has a spouse that had on-going affairs, while for the most part my H had ONS.
I have been married to what I thought was a wonderful man for 7 years. We've been together for 9. He works aways from home 6 weeks home weeks away. 2 weeks before he was due to come home, he went out (I knew he was going out to a pub with his workmates). His cell phone goes off in his pocket and phones me, & I get to hear him unsuccessfully try to pick a woman up. I can't believe it. If I hadn't heard it myself there was no way I would have ever believed he was capable of such a thing, especially when we were so good.
That night he admitted to sleeping with a 19 y/o student & a mutual friend's friend about 2 1/12 years ago. He insisted that was it. A couple days later he admitted another one when I was 6 months pregnant with our oldest. Then he admitted to going home with another person and being too drunk and passing out in bed without having sex.
I picked him up from the airport last week and when we got home he admitted even more. He admitted:
-Getting a BJ from a prostitute before we were married
-Getting a BJ from a girl ("That one was weird, her boyfriend watched") before we were married
-Trying to unsuccessfully pick up a girl right before our wedding
-Sleeping with a girl when we had only been going out a few weeks (I am not mad about this one)
-Trying to pick up a girl unsuccessfully in Singapore 3 years ago.
-Kissing a girl who was a co-worker of his brother's at a party. She pushed him away because he was married, but I am so furious he let me continue to go into that shop knowing that she (a counter worker) knew I was married to scum.
-Last but certainly not least, it turns out he slept with the mutual friend's friend TWICE ( "really 3 times because it was twice in one night". He also let me go out on girly nights with this girl and she never let on.
-He performed oral sex on the mutual friend's friend and on the student.
There is no doubt in my mind he loves me. He says he will "work forever and a day to make this right & make it up to me". He now is saying he's a sex addict and an alchoholic and that the only reason he did these things is because he was drunk. He has quit drinking cold turkey and I realise that's a big step for him, but I don't know if that's enough. He says he won't go out ever gain when he is away as well. He is trying so hard and I do believe he is sorry, but if I hadn't caught him and that girl had gone to bed with him, can you imagine what I would have had to have heard? Not only that, but he would have come home to me like their was no problem at all.
The things that are making it hard for me to agree to try are that when that girl came in the second time, if he loved me & truly didn't want to do it again, he would have left. Also, the whole oral thing makes me feel that him doing somthing so intimate with me means nothing. Also, when he slept with all those girls a couple years ago, I had had the worst c/section recovery I had ever heard of and remembering how dismissive he was to me that year...he made a bad year unbearable. I had an internal prolapse and it was excruciating for me to have sex, but I did other things to make sure (I thought) he was satisfied. I was faithful and worked so hard to make him happy & it was all a lie.
His excuses have ranged from "I was horny", "I want my wife to be how she used to be" (we have 3 girls-the oldest is 5), "I married my first real girlfriend", "I know I'm crap in bed and wanted to be the best", "It was just a f*ck", & now he sticks with the "I don't know what I was thinking. I wasnt thinking".
We have a councellers appt tomorrow, but to tell you the truth, whatever reason he has done these things is his problem as far as I'm concerned & the more I think about it the more I refuse to take on responsiblity for the things he has done, & if I go to therapy with him I WILL be taking it on board.
Please help me gain some perspective on this.
I dont understand how he can show so much remorse in the first two days then be the complete bastard...
I am trying to read everyones story but has anyone else had their WS go running to the OW ?? after a ONS
in the aftermath he even has said havent you ever met anyone and had a instant connection DUHHHHH
I pushed him to get out now he is out Im stunned and cant believe he was so eager to go that heading to her was better than helping me with my pain
and yet maybe he didnt really love me and thats why it happened . his drinking was a problem he didnt drink every day but when he did he couldnt stop at one and said stupid things but this was the worse thing he could have done to me and he knows it. he has repeated it but theres been too many I's I 's I"s in his words .
I miss the jerk so much yet he screwed this up
I finally made the decision that although BH had one ONS and has "tried" to address this use of porn, he hasn't stopped.
His use has been much less and we did attend MC but ended up not going anymore because the MC started focusing on something we didn't want to focus on.
H did start to deal with his issue or "habit" with porn with an IC but has failed to follow through. He has used it maybe once or twice a month but he is still doing it and making a choice to do so.
He even went so far to pay for a blocker on his computer and has the NERVE to call up the company to unblock it so he could look at porn. WHAT THE HELL?
It hurts me and it makes me feel as if he will never stop. He pleasures himself to images of other women and I'm convinced that if his mind wasn't poisoned by all the dam porn he may have never put himself in the situation where he chose to cheat on me.
So I gave him the final line tonight. If he EVER uses porn again, I'm DONE. I can't be constantly disappointed by him. He is hurting me and every time he owns up to his use it is like he has had another ONS. It's not fair to me.
Sorry to be the downer all.
I'm sad to say welcome The_dupe, but we are here for each other.
Each situation is different. What is a dealbreaker for one person isn't a big deal for another. But when betrayal happens, the game changes. Mtnlabbie.. I understand where you are coming from completely. I hope your husband makes the right decision about this.
The dupe... all my e-support. Talk about having the legs kicked out from underneath you. Please do give therapy a shot. It's a good place to hold your husband accountable for what he's done and to have an impartial mediator to help you sort out your feelings. My husband was (is) also very apologetic, but having him tell his story to another adult, someone who has the tools to help him make it better, makes a big difference.
I will check in more often. Hang in there, all.
3mtn- porn is out of the question in our marriage anymore. It is a slippery slope. FWH watched porn behind my back when we were first married. He also vistied strip clubs without my knowledge. I joined him in the porn thinking it would cause him not to lie about it. He was still doing it behind my back anyway. After d-day I smashed every DVD. It felt great! Through prayer and IC FWH has been successful.
His "excuse" for the PA: that relationship didn't end well/the way he had wanted so he did this to put a proper end to it. (Most of this is how I remember him saying this and part of the counselor's words, coaxing him on). So who really knows why... I asked him if I was anywhere in his thought process and he said yes but then he did it any way. He even said "I shouldn't do this" and she offered to stop but then they kept going.
So I guess I'm only about 2 months from DDay and there are days that I am fine. But then there are others when I'm not. I guess today is one of those days. I can't seem to be in control of anything anymore.
I suspect that my WH has PTSD from his deployment and I haven't convinced him that he needs IC. We're currently in MC and he's getting used to the idea of IC but hasn't made the jump. It's either PTSD or borderline (or full blown) bi-polar disorder.
His ex isn't worth the space she takes up in this world and I know, intellectually, she isn't worth my time or my effort but by god, I just want to drive there and rail on her and then come back and yell and scream at my WH. I've gotten upset with him (emotional) but I've not gotten loud or angry or railed against him. Maybe I need to find a way to express that anger instead of burying it and minimizing my concerns like I always do.
Not sure where I'm headed with this but here it is anyways...
Good luck to you all...
I will post my story at some point, but I had one earnest question: did those of you in or working on R, did you follow the "typical" timeline talked about here? I keep seeing members post about the "rage phase" at 6 months, and am wondering (and a little concerned) if this occurred with those BS's dealing with ONS?
We're working on our marriage - he confessed with no suspicions from me, we're in MC, he's remorseful and transparent - and I feel that we're making progress. The thought of going through an actual continuous phase (other than the occasional bouts I have now) of full-on rage is disheartening.
[This message edited by just breathe. at 7:18 PM, November 4th (Wednesday)]
Fear less, hope more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Hate less, love more; And all good things are yours.