Just Breathe... it's been a year for me (almost exactly) and I have to say that I am still figuring out my timeline. The first six months weren't all rage for me. I would say the majority of that time was sadness and living in a fog. I put the ownership on my husband to step up and fix what he'd done, and he has the best he can. But there's no way to completely erase it (which is what he tried to do by keeping it from me).
I still have not spoken the words "I forgive you" to my husband regarding this. I don't, not yet. I still have too many days where I'm haunted by images and feel the rawness of it all over again. I just need more time. But I know that some people are able to come to peach with it much faster than I have.
So I guess the short answer to your question is that the timeline is totally yours, which is both liberating and terrifying at the same time.
I don't remember if I followed a timeline. I can tell you that I was and am still very hurt by his ONS. It's been a little over 3 years and there are still many days that it comes creeping back into my mind. I did tell him that I forgave him but that was more for myself then it was for him. Not really sure if I do really forgive him.
As time goes by, the pain is less but it still lingers. Hopefully it will be different for you.
1Marley - I'm almost at a year out to date too. I believe 24 more days to go and it is 1 year. I haven't said "I forgive you" either and I can't, not yet. I have been hurt so much and what he did does come into my mind on a daily basis still. I don't luckily have the mind movies any more but I too just need more time.
BH does ask how much longer and I have no way of knowing, but I wish I did.
Update - since I have told BH that even one more use of porn would result in divorce, he seems to have a different mindset, in a positive way. It's strange. Like he almost needed my foot put down or it wouldn't go away. We will see where things go.
DDay - 12/01/2008
The last 6 months or so have brought me (us) to a "new" normal. Although I still trigger at times (NOT as viciously as at the beginning), and although I still THINK of his infidelity at LEAST once a day, the "emotional blows" have subsided quite a bit.
I am CONFIDENT that we are well along on the road to recovery and that we will end out days on this Earth together. I have forgiven him, but many times try to "grab back" the forgiveness, especially when I fall into the "poor pity me" state.
I still struggle with "hating" everyone and everything from Brasil - it's a constant, and sometimes daily struggle, to separate the ONS from everything related to Brasil. (Thank goodness I wasn't elected President of the US with the freedom to use the "go button".)
The weekend is upon us, and I wish all of us a peaceful weekend.
I even feel that way when I look at my wedding photos-- taken just two weeks after he did this to us. I look at pictures of us and my heart breaks to know the secret that hangs between us on that day.
What a year it has been.
Hello. I'm new here. To not make this an agonizingly long post, my dday was partly on 10/17/09 and the rest on 10/21/09 (I believe you call this the trickle-truth...trying to use the lingo here.)
I found out that my WH was deeply depressed due to several job losses...so depressed and anxious that he began self-destructive behavior. Including, the solicitation of certain massages on two occassions. The 1st time was just that, a massage. The 2nd time became extra and here we are. I guess I should consider myself lucky that it was not at all emotional but it is hard to feel "lucky" at all.
I am going through all of the crazy emotions including one minute, feeling pretty human and the next being angry and bitter.
My WH is so extremely remorseful, that is probably what saved me from walking out the door.
He is willinging seeing a MC and an IC. He even initiated finding one for us. I felt as if I was a shell of a person for the first week. I am pretty sure the MC thought I was a ghost the first time I walked in the door, I was so pale and drawn.
I suffer from some wierd physical issues like a constant upset stomach and teeth grinding (which gives me headaches.)
He says that he was in such a dark place that it hurts to talk about it but he will if I need to any time.
He considers himself the luckiest man in the world that I didn't up and leave or vice versa.
I guess I just need some hope. Some inkling that it gets better....Our MC is very optimistic. Although by reading the healing library, I have learned that we have been "hysterically bonding"...we thought it was wierd but now reading this, it totally makes sense.
I hate this emotional roller coaster and fear that he will tire of it and want to give up. I am reading about the 180 but don't know if it really applies to me...
I went into protect mode I think at first when I had some hope we could make our way through it but his behavior blame shifting etc made that impossible
it hurts and its becoming on my mind too much I try to be occupied and I was so much stronger a week ago .. as time goes by i guess it becomes more and more real that it happened , hes gone and hes not missing me or us and without a doubt still in contact with the skank.
I am erased
Our husbands made similar stupid mistakes, and mine made one ultimate mistake of taking a prostitute home with him after a night of partying in the foreign country we were living in. When I first found out I was a wreck as well. I didn't think I would ever smile again. I didn't think I would ever trust him again, either.
It was easier to make my decision to work on our marriage because my husband, like yours, was so completely remorseful. We both did individual and couples counseling for almost a year, until we moved. It helps. You will find comfort and a voice there. Having an MC that is optimistic for your future is huge, too.
I will never say I am happy that this happened, but I will say that my husband has become a better man as a result. He knows how lucky he is to have me and have my willingness to work on our marriage. I'm not sure he would know that if we didn't go through Hell in our first months of marriage. So there can be good that comes from this, but it's hard to see it sometimes.
It seems that your husband needs to get help for his depression immediately. My husband was depressed as well when this happened to us, though neither of us really acknowledged it.
Looks like a duck... I don't know what to say other than I'm so, so sorry. Thinking of you.
My H had a ONS many(9) years ago. He confessed six months ago. Obviously he was drunk with friends at work. He claims he was followed to his office by a co-worker who became aggressive. He claims he engaged in the act for a few seconds before he came to his sense and stopped.No clothes came off, no kissing etc. Claims it was brief, not premeditated not completed and not, ultimately pleasurable.
Do the details matter? Isn't it the choice, drunk or not?
I really love him and want to work it out. We have had a great marriage, he is a wonderful father and I believe he loves me more than almost anyone or anything in life.
For a while, I tried to figure out what I did wrong, he said I did nothing wrong. He was just drunk and selfish and acted on impulse.
Sounds forgivable right? I am in such a funk. I feel flat, empty and lonely.
Sex is and always has been awesome, I know I am really good in bed, sexy, pretty, smart, fit...etc. There was no "reason" it just happened. Why can't I move on??? I am so tired of being hurt and angry. I thought I was a forgiving soul and he is so incredibly remorseful.
together 25 years
I know some people on this thread have insisted on every detail. I have waffled back and forth on it, but in the end we have only had one discussion about the events of the night. I was equal parts horrified and relieved. As much as I'm tempted to know more, I think part of me isn't ready to hear it.
It's also very painful for my husband to talk about, which I know isn't a factor (his discomfort in this is second to mine, obviously) but I do hate to put him through that when he's worked SO hard on our marriage for the last year.
Your question: "Can you ever look at him without thinking 'cheater'?" is a tough one. Honestly, I don't know that I will ever get to that point with my husband. It would kill him to hear me say that, but it's true. I think it's partially self-preservation on my part (I was SO blindsided by this it made me call everything I thought was real about our relationship into question). I know it's pessimistic, and maybe someone on this forum who's more than a year out can provide some hope for us.
I read your profile, our stories are very similar. I have told no one but my IC. My children parents and friends have not a clue. I don't want anyone to pity me or hate him because I WILL make this work. We are both committed to making it. I tried to work through my feelings without a C for 5 months, but I had to unload to a neutral party. My IC warns me to be careful to not let other peoples experiences and feeling negatively influence mine. Every situation is different; every circumstance unique and I am trying to stay positive.
My IC said something very helpful to me on Monday. I asked him if any man, put in a similar situation to my husbands...drunk, caught off guard,horny, caught up in the moment...would do the same thing. He said we are all tempted to do things we shouldn't do. While under the influence our inhibitions are gone; we are totally narcissistic. This could happen to anyone, at any time. No one is "immune to temptation" it is a psychological impossibility.
It happened, nothing is going to change that. The backlash for both of us has been horrific. He is holding onto me with both hands, as tight as possible because I know he senses my feelings for him are different. This is indeed his punishment. I have to deal with what he did to us as he needs to deal with what he did to us. His stupid minute of weakness has changed his formerly wonderful marriage to his soul mate forever. Sometimes I feel sorry for him and wish I could muster up that blind adoration again. My IC believes it will come back in time. I pray to feel something like it again.
Thanks for responding to me. Take good care of yourself.
Well this Thanksgiving weekend is the HORRIBLE 1-year ANTI-VERSARY.
It is this Saturday-Sunday night after Thanksgiving where my WH took our marriage and let it drown.
I have no idea how I feel about this and I'm pretty scared to say the least. I hope he finds it in his head to take us on something special and let us "reclaim" the day together.
We have been doing pretty well. I don't hate him anymore and I think he is starting to work on himself which is a tremendous ease to me. We are starting MC AGAIN with the 3rd MC. Our first one was great but got a new position. Our second one only wanted to focus on communication and that didn't work for me. And now we will be starting with a 3rd in the 2nd week of December. I would have LOVED to have more MC but the insurance is SLOW and it takes from 4 to 6 weeks to get an appointment. I'm almost done with my 2nd masters degree in counseling and I know that for individuals experiencing a crisis - 4 to 6 weeks is a life time.
And to top that off - we are doing Thanksgiving TODAY. Just the TWO of us as my little sister is out of country and my parents travel down to another state where one of my older sisters live and we have gone there the three years but we couldn't make it this year. And there is no way in hell we are going to the state where he is from because it is WAY TOO COLD... So it is just us. Should be interesting.
Good wife-- sounds like you have found an excellent counselor. I appreciate the candid talks about it. I do believe that we are all capable of making horrible decisions (especially now). I have never cheated on my husband, but I have done things I would never want him to find out. If nothing else, I have realized that my husband (and I) are human.
Mtnlabbie-- how did your Thanksgiving go? Any ideas for "re-claiming" the day? I like the sound of that.
I have no idea how to articulate how I feel. He made me pancakes after burning a batch of waffles this morning and has been very attentive to me today. So much that he is allowing me to buy new kitchen appliances tomorrow! Yep, and he even likes them.
But - still at hand is where our marriage is. He didn't do anything "special". And he lacks creativity when it comes to doing something on his own and giving me surprises. and I love that. His Christmas present is already purchased and I will officially be the BEST W EVER when he finally gets to open it. I can't tell you all what as he is a lurker here.
So I'm not all the way over it and probably never will be. I wish he was nice like this all the time. And I wish he was spontaneous and creative like he used to be.
I hate this and I can't believe it has been a year since my life was completely unraveled.
I've been sort of absent for a while....
trying to figure things out...
still working on it, but wanted to give my support to everyone else...
((((((((((hugs for all)))))))
there's just too much that time cannot erase
And the more I know, the less I understand
Because of you...I am afraid...
Has anyone heard of the concept "accidental infidelity" As in he was drunk, it was not premeditated, WS simply found themselves in an awkward situation as a result of some poor choices and once they realized what was going on, came to their drunk senses and stopped?
My IC said this is possible; any scenario given the time, place, level of inebriation and circumstances etc. could cause an "accidental" as in not planned nor truly wanted event.
My WS claims this was the case with him. He admits he was the culprit and alcohol was the lubricant that lowered his inhibitions.
His remorse is so profound and he is filled with self-loathing and guilt. I want to believe him, but my faith is so shaken.
At what point do you accept what they say?
"Accidental Infidelity" is a tough term for me to swallow. "Accidental" implies that there was something that could not have been avoided. Slipping and falling is an accident; rear ending a car is an accident. I have been drunk lots of times, I know how inhibitions are lowered, etc. That is not done by accident. My husband's infidelity was a choice. Yes, it was a choice he never would have made if he weren't shit-faced out of his mind and it's something he regrets terribly. It was still a choice.
There is power in that, though. When I first found out about the ONS, I was so shocked because it was so completely out of character that I grasped onto a similar idea-- that the alcohol "did it"; that it was an "accident". What happened when I told myself that was that it meant that it could happen again another time he was out drinking or his judgment was impaired. Accidents happen, right? In that way, every day was a threat to me. It was exhausting.
When we talked at length in MC and my husband refused to blame the alcohol, it honestly upset me at first. I wanted to believe that it wasn't his fault. It was horrible to think that he'd made the choice to cheat, but it also meant that if we were really going to reconcile it meant that it was his choice that it would never happen again. It makes sleeping at night a lot easier putting control on my husband-- entirely-- for making sure that he doesn't get so wasted that he would make a similar choice again.
I realize that your husband came to his senses and stopped what was happening, and I would give anything to be able to say that my husband was strong enough to do the same. Maybe the term applies to your situation and doesn't for mine. All I know that is that, for me, I've found some comfort in knowing that he can choose never to jeopardize our relationship again, and in a similar way I can choose to forgive and be stronger for all this pain.
Thanks so much for your feedback, it is so comforting to know I am not alone in my pain.
My WS takes total responsibility for his actions. He is well aware that this could have been avoided. As he said to me, He chose to get drunk, and he made the poor decisions that led him to a place he never would have otherwise gone.
He swears he has never since, nor will he ever again put himself in a position where this could again happen. Since his event was years ago and there has never been a re-occurrence, I believe him.
Ultimately, he is a better man now than he ever was before. I still wish every day of my life that this had never happened, but I like who he is now because of it.
He is a good man, who is lucky to have me...and he knows it.
Positive thoughts in my mind and heart to you.