H is still into the porn thing. I just don't get it. We were alone all morning. I leave to go to the gym and he's off whacking himself. Asked why, he said because I was cleaning the bathroom when he had the "urge" I guess. Yeah, that took all of an hour. We were in bed snuggling and everything first thing in the morning. And the damn tape shows I was like barely out of the driveway before it went on. His explanation for that? He had to make sure he got finished before I came home... WTF???? Oh, and it's my fault for not boxing the ONE tape up. How he found it in a shoe box in the bottom of my closet under clothes storage I'll never know. His explanation -- the whole mess fell over when he was going for a roll of TP in the closet... (Impossible BTW). Ah fuck, I don't care.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
I have said "Where is my H and what have you done with him?" lots of time this past year or so. H doesn't think it's funny any more, but it is kind of difficult to reconcile "mr cooperation and sweetness" with the angry, arrogant guy I lived with for 10 years.
I told her I can't view it yet. That I'm just not comfortable being in the same room with H watching someone else when I'm there. THat I don't want him thinking about someone else when he's with me. That I want him to choose me instead of them... right now it appears they're more important because he's "blowing" OUR dates by doing it.
Her take... he's so emotionally stunted that it's just easier for him to have "anonymous" sex than to connect with me. That there's just emotional overload with me. Too much baggage right now. She's keenly aware that he's got issues just from me talking for 4 sessions. That I need to look at his MB differently. That the next time I catch him to think "he's broken, he's an emotional wasteland. There's no real desire FOR that woman on screen, just to relieve his own stress." What that stress is, she doesn't know and neither do I. SHe guessed at probably his aging, the relationship right now, his unemployed status and this is a distraction. Nothing as meaningful as I'm making it out to be.
We'll see.... She didn't have an explanation as to what to do when I don't get any because he's already shot his load though.
I made an appt at a local Planned Parenthood for July 3 to get a broad range of STD test ( no insurance trail). That is when I want to draw my line, if they are all clean (lets hope) I plan to never do this again.
Any body else have to sneak an STD test.
PS - My WS stays at my house w the kids during the day, well yesterday He was searching "pussy shots" on my computer.
How the heck do I deal with that ?????
Trying to move on
But I still made him get HIV and STD testing done when I found out. Part of me just wanted him to go through the humiliation. I don't understand why you'd have to "sneak" getting tested.
He's the reason you're dealing with all this. Tell him. Tell him to go too. AS far as the computer goes... if he's using yours, put a block on.
I don't know how old your kids are, but my H stopped with the internet porn when our son accidentally got caught in a pussy shot loop at age 9 or 10. H was really freaked out about that.
I have been very sick for about 6 weeks. I just got dignosed with Graves Disease. So he says that is the reason why we haven't had sex. He says he is starting to get his head right again. So I hope when I start to feel better he will be ready. R is so hard when you feel like there is no intimacy. I hate this, and being so sick makes it worse.
~~I Luv Pie~~
You've told him you're interested? My H would say things like "I'm just f'd up about sex" -- what he meant was he was I don't deserve this with you. I'm a POS, why would you want to be with me after what I've done. Then we progressed to "you're forcing me to perform" -- he questionned my motives and rightly so. I was doing it not to be intimate with him, but to "keep him from straying".
I hate to tell you this went on for over a year. It's only been in the last couple months that I've felt it's more like making love than just sex.
Our C recommended that we just do intimacy exercises -- massage, lots of kisses and hugs outside the bedroom. Just take sex off the table as a goal. It helped for a while
To the poster that said It was not the responsibility of a woman to be sexual with her husband: I remember waht my ex told me. You do have the right to reject my advances and then you must face the responsibility to for your choices. he told me i broke a contract and he was not bound since he had tried years of councilig. i wish he had just left. but I lied. I never was attracted to him sexully and while I knew how demeaned he felt, he never understood that my abuse left me hating this "nice guy" as a whimp.
I only dated assholes and thought this nice guy was safe. And he was so safe it was like being married to a girlfriend, and the more he wanted to talk and share the more i hated him for it. i felt pressured and he made me feel bad for rejecting him. In the end when i sued for divorce, i was devastated he never stopped me, in fact he said i made my bed and put his a at my feet.
I know how unpopular that sentiment is here, but sadly i was never honest with him. i used him as a safe haven and rejected him sexually: I guess he surprised and hurt me that this nice guy could turn on me and not be "safe" after all.
I get what you said, it struck a cord in me. I too married the "funny nice guy" and I too raged at him for putting the A at my feet after really quite frankly not wanting him to touch me for a long, long time. The difference in our stories is that the A did make me finally talk about my SA and be honest with not only my WS but with myself. I was not attracted to my H, but once I got IC for myself weekly, for a long long time I finally saw what my actions were doing not only to my H but to myself. I did not want to be that bitter angry person, I did not want to continue to be mad at the world. I did not want to keep having sleepless nights, weight gain...no joy in life.
We are still working on the other stuff, its a journey of "peeling the layers of the onion" and I want to stress that in no way is an A OK or that I thought it was my fault. I am just here to say that I admire you for telling your story and being honest. Its painful, it hurts but it usually is when you are trying to break down long standing emotional walls.
I wish you great strength and peace...hopefully by opening up you will make yourself healthier for another relationship down the road.
However, being in an affair skews perception. My H said he started because I was not interested. No, I was hurting and depressed. Maybe that showed to him as uninterested. I know I berated him for his lack of ambition, his stinginess, how much time he gave to others' rather than us. I probably came off as a bitch. But all of it was true. I never shut him out, never turned him down for sex, ever. One thing I always boasted. I liked sex, just not for a year after my surgery while I adjusted to the "new me". AFter 15 years of marriage, he couldn't wait a few months for me to recover myself.
I think if I sued for divorce, he wouldn't fight me either.
Am I doomed?
i think stress/pressure is the biggest libido killer i've ever observed. i'm wondering if that's what is happening for you?
things will turn around.
sex was all we did the first two years. by fifth year he had his A. With my H it has been down hill since. Only in the last 6 months it has gotten even WORSE. (which is why the first thing I suspect is another OW)
I still 'feel' that way. trigger? or truth? im the queen of snooping, but have found really nothing much. thought i had one lead, but it was nothing.
he says hes tired. hell id LOVE to sleep as much as he does. he says hes not in the mood...which makes me want it more, altho i quit asking long ago, as my ego is fragile.
when we do get together, it is great. but once or twice a month is wayy less than id like.
screw it, im naming my toy and marrying it
Tuesday night... he worked the whole day, dirty , tired. I got off half day, went to the gym, Weight Watchers (down another lb) energetic, envigorated.
Snuggled on the couch. Asked him to shower. He said "maybe". -- He didn't. That's one of his passive aggressive ways of saying no.
Weds am. Wake up before H. Take off nightgown and snuggle up to him. He wakes, we share chit chat. He asks me what my plans are for the day. I say "no plans at all, how about you?" He says "I plan to shower at some point". I say "good, then I might have a plan after all" big kiss and quick fondle.
He takes shower. I bring up tea, still naked (Hey, I know I'm not a prize, but that should be a hint right?) He's drinking tea, I'm massaging his legs, kissing his back, arms, blowing in his ear, touching him everywhere BUT there, for like 10 minutes. I head for THERE and there's nothing. He might as well have just taken an ice bath. (Wow, talk about not interested!) I want to cry and quit touching him. Get my tea, have cigarette. He's just acting like nothing happened. WTF am I supposed to do here? So I go for the kill, right THERE, all mouth, hands and tongue.
FINALLY after what feels like minutes upon minutes I start getting a reaction.
So that explains why Weds was such a fiasco. But the time he turned his attention to me I was already in "I suck at this mode". When I know in my mind that's not true. It still hurts.
After I got sick it forced me to focus on me, getting better. I didn't think nearly as much about the A. I still don't. It has only been 3 mos. since d-day, but I set my mind to move on. Now my health is better and my relationship is thriving again. It feels really good to be us again w/out all the bullshit. I hope it gets better for everyone here as well.
Our sexual difficulties started about 4 years before the A. My WH started spending all his time pleasing himself. We were having sex during this period and before he started M**********. I would be in bed waiting for him for hours sometimes. On a few occasions, I went out to him and brought him back in. (we were also having issues with his oldest son at the time). (should have seen a therapist at this point). Sex for us has never been the same since. It got worse when I had a miscarriage (my third). We have not had sex since.
I gave up on sex when he continued to do things that I had numerous times told him that I do not like. It wasn’t important enough for him to respect my wished so I found it not important to have sex. (should have seen a therapist at this point also).
He did tell me that this was not the main reason for having the A. He felt like I did not care for him anymore. OK go ahead and let me have it! I know it was not fair to hold out for that long.
I did have a moment after the A where I really wanted him bad (it almost hurt). But was on hold until the STD test came back. Now, I have no urges again – probably due to the depression of the A. To quote shwankie “I don't feel like I am withholding intentionally or holding it over his head. I am not sure I can describe it, but I guess I feel like it shouldn't be such a big deal. That I should still want him, need him, that his touch wouldn't make my skin crawl”.
I feel like I should be handling it better, like I should be trying harder. I feel like everything is defiled, and then I feel guilty because it should be special, and it's not anymore. I know, realistically, that is HIS fault. But, I still feel guilty.
(Seeing therapist Monday)
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?