New to this thread, but sex is an issue for us too at the moment so i thought I'd join the club :(
My partner of 5 years had a 2-night stand with a co-worker a month ago, and confessed immediately, even though there was no way I would have found out. We want to reconcile, and we're having our ups and downs like everyone else.
I think our sex life before this was great - I know I loved it anyway, and he says he did too. I really want sex now, too... mainly because I really miss that connection and closeness between us.
We have had sex a couple of times since Dday, one of those times was REALLY wild. We both enjoyed it during and I felt really happy afterwards too because I felt so close to him, but he feels incredibly guilty and strange about it afterwards and then doesn't want to make love for a while :( I've stopped initiating, i can't handle the rejections... It's been 12 days now... might not seem like much, but it is by our standards, and I just miss it soooooo much :(
Have other people had the same experience, where the WS guilt is the problem? How do you get past it?
No, I know it's not funny. Mom, we waited 2 weeks, just a week after Dday and I was going crazy. Like you it was right in the middle of HB that I realized it. But we had been having sex pretty regularly for the year prior to Dday, so if I hadn't caught anything then, I probably wouldn't have. But the thought of maybe something DID happen that day he disappeared made me get the tests. My H thought he was so "thoughtful" not having sex with me while in his As or for 2 years after they ended. He said the guilt was troubling him and he wanted to make sure "nothing showed up" like STD symptoms. NEVER thought of that the whole 7 years he was screwing prostitutes and his tramp of a GF. Even had unprotected oral with the GF, (he was that STUPID) because she wasn't a "pro". Yet he said the "pros" were safe because their "handlers" made them get tested all the time. So he didn't think he had to. When I told him that condoms don't prevent the spread of Herpes or HPV, he thought I was lying. Idiot!
Charli, my H had loads of trouble connecting with me through sex because of the guilt, the shame, the worry of how I'd react. Most of the first couple months I cried through the whole thing, not a very pleasant experience for him I guess. But who cares. At least you got the confession immediately. Shows he's got a soul somewhere in there, and that is probably the reason he's struggling now.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
You don't have to tell him that it's you he's set up an appt with, but you can confront him with the written words.
Just remember, this is not about whether or not you two have sex. It's about something he's missing and he can't talk to you about it.
Either confront or open the lines of communication. This can lead no where but to hurt for both of you.
How about counseling?
The other day DW was talking about how odd her friend's husband is, he has to have an ironed tee shirt. DW said she just did not find that sexy.
I suppose I'm glad I didn't say that she finds nothing sexy, based on us having sex once a month, for the last four or five months. I guess I'm glad I didn't say anything about not being able to tell the husband about being sexy, since obviously I don't know how.
I do need to bring this up soon.
Has anyone experienced this? How do I fix this?
Him - Bf (BS) - 39 y.o.
Me - Gf (gf) - 36 y.o.
Years together - 12
D-Day - 12/31/06
unfortunately, about the only thing that came out of this thread is there's no easy answers.
i'd start with trying to improve communication...tell him that the lack of physical intimacy bothers you...and tell him that the "naked" issues bother you. maybe you already have, but the first step is to make sure your partner is aware of your problems.
next, it's up to them to decide to take action to work w/ you to make it better.
sorry you're joining the club.
Boy that really pisses me off.
And yes, she's been shut down completely for two (or more) years. I've lost count.
We have four children still at home, two of them fairly young.
Funny, I always thought I could make a good brother in a monastery. But that's not the contract I signed. I picked the marriage contract.
I know there is a great emotional divide we need to cross -- but to this point we've been so busy with other major stresses, in particular financial, and with the kids, that I've just left it on the back burner.
Curious whether you ever got things moving on a little better on that account, Strider?
FWW and I have been having the "we're not on the same page sexually" talks - I am OK with once every two weeks or so before I start to get pretty antsy - our sex life before the A was about once a week on average. The longest dry spell was about a month which started as soon as HB ended, about two weeks after dday.
I have told her how I feel and she gets defensive, and says "I just dont think about it like you do" and that's the end of the discussion.
Last night, our 3 year anniversary we had a great date and we get in bed and she starts giving the signs of disinterest and we are cuddling. She senses something is up and pressures me to talk about it and I admit to being in the mood, seems like great time, have been doing "foreplay" all day with flowers, notes, flirting, hints, (a lot of which was reciprocated) and she just got mad, rolled over, and said I'm sorry you feel that way, turned out the light and was off to sleep.
Other times I have let it go rather than fighting or having a hard conversation. Last night instead, I kept on talking
I kept on pressuring her to talk (ie: You'd rather go to sleep and just ignore this about how I feel than work on it???) and we ended up having a productive conversation.
I said something along the lines of "look, we used to have a passionate relationship that I enjoyed, and it is something that is important to me. You had sex with someone else for close to four months. that is a huge rejection and/or impact on how i feel about our sex life. Our sex life has not been what it was - when you dont tell me why you are not interested, it leads me to think the worst and feel rejected even more" she then proceeded to tell me that her stomach was hurting from our huge anniversary dinner and that she was tired, etc - all of which are legit reasons, but without hearing those I was like "she's just not interested" she admitted that she could see how it felt that way to me and it felt like we made progress for the first time in a long time with that discussion.
Anyway, this is a bit of a ramble but sometimes refusing to accept the end-all "well fine then, goodnight" response can go places. She didnt say much for a little while but was awake and listened. this morning she apologized and thanked me for telling her despite her reaction last night.
we had a nooner at lunch today it was our first time in three or four weeks. (my bday was a month ago, and it happened once about a week later, sort of a mini HB from dday #2)
she admitted to trying to initiate something earlier yesterday but I had been triggering and that made me miss it and kill her mood at the time.
Another issue I have struggled with is that she says my advances made her feel pressured but I feel if I back off then we'll never get there... does that make sense? In response, I just quit trying to make advances and leave it up to her but it is hard to do that and it makes me question everything she does like "is that a hint or sign or???"
TMI warning:: course, this wohle thread is TMI right?
The thing lately is that when we are in positions or doing things that I know she did with OM it pops into my mind... for example, OM had a vasectomy and ejac'd inside - I could not do that and resented that someone else had done that more than I had at least when we were not trying to conceive. She got on BC and we "reclaimed" that recently which was good but at the same time I couldnt help but mini-trigger at that time thinking he was seeing the same thing etc... i hope that goes away. I dont want anything to have been done with OM "the last time"
I feel like she is making some effort (which I greatly appreciate), more now than ever, but alot of her response boils down to "I just dont think about it that much, and I can't help that" I dont feel like I am an over-sexed guy, we are both in our 20s after all. Maybe the second child syndrome is affecting her? Guilt associated with sex? Just our whole ups and downs? I dunno...
Anyone have any suggestions on how to work on that or get past that end-all statement to boost our mutuality? I am trying to do more of things she likes emotionally and otherwise (checked out 5 languages of love and think I know which ones she is)
Sorry this was a bit of a ramble, just re-read it and is more of a vent I guess.
To this day, I'm still not completely on board with casual naked-ness, especially if I'm in the trough of the coaster.
I remember a couple weeks before dday, we saw the Violent Femmes at an outdoor venue, and she had on this skimpy top and low rise jeans...I remember wanting to lay her down in the grass next to the stage right THEN. Now, I think I'd have a heart attack if she came downstairs dressed like that to go somewhere.
It's weird, but when we go out now, the more conservatively she dresses, the better.
FWW used to wear all these LOW V blouses showing her cleavage and wears high heels, skirts, etc - she's very beautiful and sexy in those outfits and would tell me about the flirtatious/sexy jokes resulting from those. she said it made her feel beautiful, and that she deserved to feel that way, to show what she's got.
Pre-A she would get mad if I thought anything said to her was inappropriate, even though I trusted her completely then. It never bothered me much she wore that stuff because she'd never do anything right?
Post-A, she wears more conservative clothes... ie a tank-top under the V blouse to cover more - this came about because during one argument on dday#2 I said "see?? when you dress like that you are practically advertising and what the HELL do you think a guy or OM thinks when he sees your boobs hanging out of your shirt?? or your skirt with the slit up your long legs?? and then when you engage in sexual joking on top of that? those are just steps on the road to where you ended up having sex with him..."
That seemed to be the 2x4 she needed. She still wears something borderline sometimes but nothing like before.
TMI too here...
OM blasted it on her crotch/belly like some porn star. Prior to the affair I always enjoyed doing that from time to time, but now I feel no desire to reclaim it. As a matter of fact, after the affair, I made her cover her entire torso when we had sex so I wouldn't have to imagine it slopped up with his garbage. She no longer has to cover it, but as far as me trying to reclaim that? No thanks. The mind movies of that particular act alone can pretty much turn what was good sex into a handjob in about 10 seconds...lol
I don't know if I'd have reacted better to him getting off inside her or not when it comes right down to it.
I'm confused by the whole how do I indicate I want sex without causing pressure thing to. The last time we discussed this it did work out for us, it looks like talking does help.
Glad to hear things are a little better, though I too would love to get out of the once a month club and back to 2-3 times a month.
Lone - I guess i meant to describe it as more of a breakthrough and description of why I identify with some others who said the discussion "just ends without going anywhere" when brought up. I too had that ending numerosu times and I let it end rather than pushing a tough/sensitive issue. When I sucked it up and admitted it was important to me and explained more how I felt despite her reaction and defensiveness, it seemed to help. Now, whether it makes a difference only time will tell. (this was only the other night mind you) I am hoping for maybe more insight from others on how they got their WS's to see the betrayal/rejection thing and make more of an effort to bolster the affection/sex side of thge relationship to reclaim the passion that has suffered.
I too hope to rejoin the once a week club - that's what I'm used to - 2/3 times a month I can live with. I just, right now, feel like I'm still in HB and she's not... does that make sense?
I feel your pain on feeling rejected. For me, it helped when FWW related why she was uninterested at that particular time rather than just a non-verbal rejection.
I remember once, when FWW left for work, I was thinking "wow, she looks hot.. maybe I'll be waiting for her when she gets home...worked up all morning about it and when she got home it was like a peck and out of my way... felt like rejection at the time right? later found out she had to take a huge crap right then (and I remember her heading to the bathroom, and signs of it) and had a rough morning at work.
Bottom line is, it is easy for us as BS to imagine the worst reason for disinterest. I suspect FWW has been less interested because of guilt and ongoing tough discussions, she has hinted at it but I think it is hard to admit.
If you can, get your WS to talk about why they were uninterested later, or when things are good, or when you are talking about other issues, it may make you feel better and rebuild some confidence knowing that the rejections werent all about you...
just my $.02
Curious whether you ever got things moving on a little better on that account, Strider?
sorry for not responding...i didn't see your post until just now.
basically, eventually it got to the point for me that i just said i'm divorcing if not progress is made on sex front. I didn't sign on for sexless marriage w/ a woman that got to screw other men. I meant it and WW knew it.
So we talked about it, and her big concern, even pre-A, was that she felt that everything had to lead to sex. That all other forms of affection that I exhibited were just to get laid, and it really bothered her.
Basically, we started w/ a deal where I would just ask her if we could have sex. I made an effort to spread requests out on good days, bad days, etc. so that sex was not tied to anything for WW. She didn't want any buildup to it, no foreplay building during the day, etc.
So my approach starting off was to not really try to buildup to it...per WW's request. I'd just ask her "can we have sex?"
The first time it was literally her laying down and me doing it to her. Warm corpse sex. Nothing great, but it was a start.
And we're worked on building it from there. It's still a work in progress, but there's now a sense of love and affection while doing it and it's getting better. Average around once a week, sometimes twice.
I make sure I don't ask too much, and WW has only said no once or twice since we started this new course...
[This message edited by Strider75 at 3:46 PM, October 17th (Wednesday)]
FW is still not initiating, making any first steps, indications, etc. of interest. I'm always the one asking or suggesting or seducing.
OK, let me clarify that... H HAS said once in September "Hey, how about a blow job when we get home?" He never actually ever lets me give him a full job, so I know he meant sex.
But that's it.
But now here's the problem... when we do get started (whoever is the initator aside) it has to be ME who takes the reins. I am extremely uncomfortable with him trying to make love to me. That triggers the hell out of me. If he's "doing me" I'm thinking about him "doing them". If I'm in control, if I'm the one doing TO him, I don't have a problem....
Any ideas of what's going on here?
Same reasoning has irked me from having her on top during sex. I have to be on top...or any other position...but not her on top, at least not more than 30 seconds worth or so.