We've had a good sex life over the years, with a few big dips, but we never really discussed things.
The last 4-5 years, with a short exception around our wedding and our honeymoon, our frequency have dropped to a 2-3 time per month on average, perhaps peaking at once per week.
Instead of talking to her about my very hurt feelings from being rejected several times per week, I withdrew and "handled things myself".
We have very different sex drives, but I'm not just after the physical wham-bam thing. In fact, she normally told me off for spending too much time on pleasing her. I've realised, as have she, that she has some major inhibitions in regards to sex. Sadly she has yet to talk to a therapist about it, and this also seems to be more focused in our relationship, as she didn't seem to have these issues with him.
I'm not quite sure why I'm posting here, as our relationship is at it's end, but perhaps I'd like to know how I approach issues like this if they occur with another partner.
"The term “mistake” infers a level of ignorance, innocence and naivety. And a lack of intent and planning." - Craig Harper
Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick
There was an incident back at the beginning of November where FWW accidently left her email logged on (this almost 3 months before d-day). I was already in snooping mode as her A had been going for about 4 months by then and I knew something was going on, just didn't know what. So I snuck a peak at some things while she was in the shower. i didn't see anything affair related, but i didn't really look a lot either.
i honed in on a message from OM's W and discovered they were having a girl talk on email about sex. in it she wrote that she felt absolutely nothing for me anymore. there was some other stuff in the message, but it rocked me pretty hard. i closed out of it and didn't look at anything else just out of plain shock.
we got in a big fight about it and from then until d-day were looking into sex therapists for her kind of on and off. d-day pretty much ended any looking around for sex therapy for FWW.
she says to this day she always has loved me, that comment was just about her not feeling any physical desire at all. well, i know what i read.
anyway - not sure why i put that whole bit in there, except to illustrate that she just wants to bury her head in the sand and hope the problem will solve itself without her having to do anything.
the only way it's going to solved without her having to do anything is if i decide i'm not going to live like this and leave. then, problem solved, and she didn't have to do anything about the problem.
our MC told me in a 1 on 1 session that FWW probably needs IC for it. But I can't say "FWW, go to IC for it or I'm leaving." because it won't work. FWW has to sincerely want to do it. And right now she doesn't.
she has never been able to face her own problems. that's the biggest thing causing problems for us now. she expects me to just know everything that is a problem for her and to fix it. she doesn't realize it's not going to happen without her participation.
[This message edited by Strider75 at 12:10 PM, May 24th (Thursday)]
Darn. You are really between a rock and a hard place on that one.
When you discuss this with your wife and you tell her how all this makes you feel, what does she say? Does she really expect you'll be okay with a totally sexless marriage?
In thinking about leaving my H just today, I realized that it won't be a wake up call, but a "get out of jail free" card for him. He just won't have to deal with any of this crap anymore, he can go back to being whatever or whoever he feels like being that day.
But like you said, then I won't be affecting us. There's our freedom.
Yeah, it sucks that we have to do this while we still love them, but we have to love ourselves too.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
I would do anything to *feel* physically attracted to my H. I don't know what to do truly because as empty as I feel, he surely must feel the same way.
I reject him, and only do it, to make him feel better.
Please go easy on me, I am really struggling with this. This has been one of the biggest issues in our M, and I don't want to go on living in a sexless M. I want to feel that connection, both emotionally and physically with my H but I don't know how.
Anyhow, I will back out and continue reading.
I think this topic is so appropriate, and seems sent from above as I have spent the last three days obsessing about the lack of intimacy in my M, and more importantly my lack of intimacy with my H, and how it makes BOTH of us feel.
Hugs to you. I can understand that this is so frustrating for you. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts.
Can I ask you a question? What made the physical attraction stop for you? The A? Something else?
she gets very upset when i've tried to talk about it. there is no having a mature conversation about it. i really think there's something else going on. several others on here, and our MC btw, have suggested that perhaps FWW has some sort of abuse in her past that she is not willing to bring up.
i don't know what to think, other than there's nothing i can or not do that will improve things right now. the ball is in her court, and she won't swing at the ball.
she might be expecting me to be ok with a sexless marriage, but i've told her over and over i am not. however, what i say and what she hears are very rarely the same thing regarding this issue.
what am i supposed to do? tell her "ok, well, i won't flaunt it in your face, but jsut be aware that i'm giong to find another avenue for this need (i.e. an OW) since you won't meet it?" would that make me a WS if i told her i was doing it beforehand and she agreed? is it open marriage? i'd rather eat a warm bag shit.
[This message edited by Strider75 at 12:41 PM, May 24th (Thursday)]
I think it's mostly SAb, but there's depression, too, and it doesn't take much to trigger a greater depressive state (about 3 times a year it seems).
I'd like to bring it up, but I hate to feel like kicking someone when they're down, so I have to wait until the few times DW is feeling "normal".
there is no having a mature conversation about it.
Hmm. That makes me wonder myself.
You know, I was raped when I was 16. My WH knows about it and has been very supportive. Even now, at 35, there are flashbacks and things I can't do sexually because they remind me of the attack.
I never thought about that with your wife until you said she can't talk about it maturely.
Can I ask you something? If you KNEW it was something like that, and wasn't something about you, would that make you feel better about the whole thing? (Not that no sex is acceptable, but you would know it's not some inadequacy on your part.)
it could make me feel better about. depends. if she was willing to admit and get treatment and counseling for it. regardless of the cause, i know i don't have it in me to put up with a sexless marriage, especially after she was putting out to someone else while pushing me away. if i felt that progress was being made it would be different.
my biggest problem with it all is the lack of progress, i think.
I have been in shut-down mode for probably the last 10 years at least. I guess on reflection alot has to do with my FWH's LTA I knew what it was even though he didn't recognize it as an affair so in turn I went into shut-down mode. The other EA's were not as hard as that one but it laid the ground work for a sexless marriage basically.
Not that he didn't try he did very hard but I just pushed him away. It was probably a combination of the LTA porn (he worked for a adult store chain in the headoffice) so basically he became callous towards sex and I wanted the romantic I love you so much I am crying at the end sex. Now that he is a remoreful FWH and realizes what initally made me do this I don't know how to not be in shut down I desire him want to be with him but don't really know how to do it. I am also a SAB survivor which probably contributed to it and I am very reserved to things and not sure how to open up in that way I even have a hard time talking about it.
Yes right now being 7 and a half months pregnant sex is kinda difficult to say the least I have really bad sciatic but after I want that close physical relationship I just don't know how to get there.
I am of the "get back on the horse" type. After HB which really flopped because my H was so filled with guilt he couldn't perform, I was initiating with him, feeling sick about it, using it just to "keep him at home", praying (like you) for some cosmic connection to take place, to feel something, anything passionate in my life.
H told me in MC last week that he felt violated by my constant sexual attention (uh, like once a week), that he felt coerced and used. This was after a long dry spell of his not being interested, rejected me and taking care of himself.
I asked him straight out if he felt any desire for me at all since he'd basically shown none for almost 2 years now (even before Dday, but that might have been the OW back in the picture briefly).
He said he doesn't feel sexual at all. Yet, gets into his porn or my catalogs at least 2-3 times a week. If you're not feeling "that" for your H, do you take care of yourself? Are you struggling with staying faithful? Do you think if the "opportunity" came along again, you'd be unfaithful just to see if you could get that "rush" again?
my FWW has basically said the same thing when i've managed to get anything out of her.
is it really just a case of having to do it, and the more you do it, the more you'll find yourself wanting to do it more?
probably not totally. you still have to keep making progress with solving other relationship issues, too.
[This message edited by Strider75 at 1:13 PM, May 24th (Thursday)]
is it really just a case of having to do it, and the more you do it, the more you'll find yourself wanting to do it more?
Not sure about others, but this is exactly what happened with me. I have read in a lot of books and magazines that if you do it, even when you don't want to, you will eventually want to do it more because it feels good and makes your mind and body feel better.
I tried it and it worked. It's almost like you've forgotten how good it can be.
We went to MC and I just could never bring up that I am not physically attracted to him. That would be horrid. What person would want to hear that? I was never physically attracted to him. I married him because I felt we had similar backgrounds and I felt in my comfort zone. Does that make sense?
I want to have sex in a normal loving way, but not with him. I don't mean I want to have it with strangers either!!!
I am so jealous of the couples that HB because in order to that you must want to do it!!!! Hope that makes sense.
If you are then the answer is NO! The mental anguish was insane.
I have grown and I need to sort out this mess I have created in order to find that real love I read about in LTA, either with cosmic intervention with my H or get the courage to end my M. Which terrifies me........
she's had O's probably a number of times i can count on one hand since DS was born (almost 3 years), but gets miffed and won't let me try to do something extra to help her out (toys/oral/etc.) when i've brought it up. it's not that i'm not willing.
she's also very...self inhibited....not sure how else to say it. she's very uncomfortable talking about details of what she likes. she's also never...ermm....touched herself...ever. very uncomfortable with that too.
[This message edited by Strider75 at 1:47 PM, May 24th (Thursday)]
I lost a LOT of libido after having kids. I don't know what it did to me, but it did something.
I know what you mean about the inhibitions. I will do the toys and touching myself thing, but my WH likes to "talk" during sex if you know what I mean. I hate it. I feel sooooo uncomfortable. But at times, I do it anyway, because I know how much he likes it. I guess I look at it as give and take. It can't be all about me in the bedroom, you know?
I'm really sorry you're going through this. Has your wife ever expressed what she DOES like?
Yet the very next statement he said he felt loved and cherished when we did ML.