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User Topic: Sexual Difficulties While In A Relationship
mustlovedogs
♀ Member
Member # 14216
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, October 25th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I just feel like I am doing all these things to make sure that my H feels a certain way, etc. But my needs aren't being met. I don't feel loved like I used to, I am sexually frustrated, and I want to be able to just be like we used to. I just don't get it.

Sorry, I am just struggling today for some reason.


BS: Me 30
FWS: Him 29
D-Day: January 2007
Happy in R.
One Son: 3 Years old
One Daughter: Seven month old!!

Posts: 766 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: NJ
Strider75
♂ Member
Member # 13596
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, October 25th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mustlovedogs -

okay...first question.

have you talked to your WH about your problems w/ the lack of sex? laid out how you feel just like you wrote it here:

I guess I just feel like I am doing all these things to make sure that my H feels a certain way, etc. But my needs aren't being met. I don't feel loved like I used to,...

If you haven't, that's the first step you need to take.


Sometimes I wish there was a way to have do-overs in life.

Posts: 5033 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Atlanta, GA
mustlovedogs
♀ Member
Member # 14216
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, October 25th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I should say, that he is doing ALOT of things to change, I do have to give him credit. He is tryiing much harder with our child, helping around the house, doing things as a couple and as a family. Talking more. These things have all improved. I have been working on my end too. I have been in IC since January working on just me.

It really isn/'t just the sex part, you know it isn't just sex, it is intimacy as a whole. Holding hands, snuggling, etc. That stuff just isn't happening.

During the "fog", he said, I wish you would just "jump" me, meaning just sneak up on him and have sex kind of thing.

I honestly, dont do this in fear that I am going to be turned down. Because I usually get turned down and after a while, it is hard to appraoch the situation in fear of being turned down.

We have talked about it and nothing changes. I don't know what to do.


BS: Me 30
FWS: Him 29
D-Day: January 2007
Happy in R.
One Son: 3 Years old
One Daughter: Seven month old!!

Posts: 766 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: NJ
Strider75
♂ Member
Member # 13596
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, October 25th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It really isn/'t just the sex part, you know it isn't just sex, it is intimacy as a whole. Holding hands, snuggling, etc. That stuff just isn't happening.

i'm sure we all know how you feel.

my own personal opinion is that it's okay if things seem kind of forced when restarting them. like, making a 'date' for sex, or whatever form of intimacy you want. on X night, after the kids are asleep, we're going to do ......

breaking thru the initial barrier is hardest. if just communicating needs hasn't worked, then i'd suggest telling your WH that since it hasn't worked, you want to progress to something else. make a 'date'. set up a schedule, so to speak. get a calendar and carve out time to just sit w/ each other. or have sex. or whatever. but make sure that nothing short of major crises will derail it.

we all lead very busy lives these days, and it's real easy for 'spouse-time' to get lost in the sauce. if you have to, get out a day planner and schedule it. it's one of the most important things to do anyway.


Sometimes I wish there was a way to have do-overs in life.

Posts: 5033 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Atlanta, GA
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, October 25th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

must... does it feel like you're the only female with this problem? I hear on here and at home, at work all the guys who say they wish their wife would be more receptive to sex more often.... where the heck did we get these guys?

I know just what you mean. My H had sex, lots of it with his APs. As he so "sweetly" reminded me the other night, if he wanted sex, he could go pay for it. What he's looking for is the intimacy, the lovemaking kind of sex and he thinks that doing it too often kind of diminishes that. Ok, I'm confused too.

After being turned down 3 times this week, I just stopped. Made up my mind I will never initiate or ask again. That's it. I went a long, long time just one my own and I can do it again. I'm not going to bed, wheedle, cry or complain about my needs not being met. I've had my say. He knows it and I'm sure yours does too. ( Unless you haven't spoken to him. ) In which case, I would say do that.

I on the other hand, am getting the hand holding , the unsolicited hugs, the snuggles at bedtime. The problem is that USED to mean he wanted sex. Now it doesn't necessarily mean that. So since I can't seem to read his "signals" I'm not even going to try.

This morning he started something with me. No prompting on my part at all. I didn't even react for like 5 minutes because I didn't know if his backrub meant sex or backrub. I told him once we'd established that's where he was going.... that I wanted to be kissed and kissed ALOT during the act. That's something he wasn't doing in his other life... the pros don't kiss and he says his OW only got kissed when she kissed him first... he considered it worse to kiss her than fuck her... go figure.

He seemed to listen. Maybe take it one thing at a time. Don't try and rewrite your entire sex life all at once.

Instead of "jumping his bones" like he told you he liked, why not just plant the idea earlier in the day... like "After the kids are in bed, I'll meet you in the bedroom. Does that work for you?" I've heard some couples just schedule it for a while until they get back in the swing. They try to agree on a particular night and just make sure they stick to the schedule of it. That way there's no chance of rejection. Whoever starts things going one night, gets to be the receiver next. Once the ice is broken, it gets easier.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
mustlovedogs
♀ Member
Member # 14216
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, October 25th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is hard to sit and listen to my girlfriends talk about how there husbands want it all the time and they do it three or four times a week. It just gets me angry, nothing really else.

My parents are coming tomorrow, and leaving Saturday. So I will try the scheduling it for Saturday night, flirt a little more on Saturday and see what happens.

I just really want to be held. It is weird not being touched for so long.

Thanks for the advice. I guess if we can get past his A, then we can get past this.

I am just having a "I want to be selfish day". Never really got one of those before. I am going to the gym tonight, my Inlaws are watching my son. Maybe that will help with my attitude adjustment


BS: Me 30
FWS: Him 29
D-Day: January 2007
Happy in R.
One Son: 3 Years old
One Daughter: Seven month old!!

Posts: 766 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: NJ
JiiminTexas
♂ Member
Member # 7926
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, October 25th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm just bamboozled by the disinterest in sex (with us BS) that so many of our WS or FWS exhibit. It's absolutely amazing.

I've always wanted just a normal, thrilling, fullfilling sexual relationship with my wife, and I can say I don't think I've ever known that in 23 years of marriage -- and now this, a 4-year affair, an absolutely absence of intimacy for 4 years.....if I I believed in the concept, I'd think I was in purgatory....

JiiminTExas


Me, BS, 44; Her, WS, 46
"Though the fig tree should not blossom and there be no fruit on the vines, Though the yield of the olive should fail and the fields produce no food, though the flock should be cut off ... Yet I will exult in the LORD.&#

Posts: 363 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Texas
mustlovedogs
♀ Member
Member # 14216
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, October 26th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't get it either. I thought for sure I would be the one deciding if we could have sex again, not him.

Well I went to Yoga last night so that helped me relax a little bit.


BS: Me 30
FWS: Him 29
D-Day: January 2007
Happy in R.
One Son: 3 Years old
One Daughter: Seven month old!!

Posts: 766 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: NJ
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, October 26th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know how old you guys are... but I was talking to my therapist last night about this exact subject.

Her take was that so many things... including age, familiarity, work stress, and obviously marital stress affect one's sex drive. Ours (BS) is probably out of whack too due to the affairs, while most of us were experiencing a lack of sex or intimacy during that time that we want it more now, kind of like "payback" sex. She said my H is probably starting to experience a drop in his drive and that may be disturbing him too. Another factor, a fear of inadequacy. I mean if you're not sure it's going to work, you might be a little scared of trying. Just like we're afraid of initiating for fear of rejection.

Yeah, I don't have a problem with that concept. I DO feel cheated But if these people had a problem with intimacy then, they aren't going to "get over that",just like we aren't going to "get over" the affairs. It has to be worked at.

But if we don't LET them work at it, then who's at fault? She asked me if I ever asked my H for help around the house, did I ever turn him down for sex, even if I didn't feel like it? The answer is "no". So, he's never had to work for anything and didn't appreciate it.

So, like I said, I'm not going to initiate and I'm going to try, if I don't feel like it, to turn him down. That may be tough if he's only coming at me like once a month.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
mustlovedogs
♀ Member
Member # 14216
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, October 26th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

weepy:

My IC told me that maybe H never really liked sex, and that TV makes us believe that all guys think about is sex, and want it all the time, and that isn't the case in real life.

We are in our 20's. So he should at least be at his peak....I would think. I have given him plenty of space with this.

Last night I gave the....I will be interested this weekend to try something nudge. He just said ok.


BS: Me 30
FWS: Him 29
D-Day: January 2007
Happy in R.
One Son: 3 Years old
One Daughter: Seven month old!!

Posts: 766 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: NJ
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, October 26th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good. Then set the stage at a time that's good for you, dont "expect" it... lower your expectations, expect to be rejected, but it will be less likely if you've gone to some effort too to make it special... light the candles, get out the wine., spruce yourself up (I know, I know, but guys ARE visual).

You know my H's drive appeared to be lower while we were dating in our early 20s. But then, he was cheating on me then too, but once we got married, we were at it every day.

It could be guilt. My H suffered from that for a long time after Dday, probably close to a year.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
mustlovedogs
♀ Member
Member # 14216
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, October 29th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So still here, and no sex. We "messed around last night", but that is all he wanted to do. He doesn't have a hard time getting there, one touch and he is good to go. I know he hasn't done it in a while....I think you can understand why I understand this.

Had a great time "messing" around, but that was it.

When we talked about it, he just said he didn't feel good about himself, that is why he had a hard time wanting to have sex.


BS: Me 30
FWS: Him 29
D-Day: January 2007
Happy in R.
One Son: 3 Years old
One Daughter: Seven month old!!

Posts: 766 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: NJ
HurtinMan
♂ Member
Member # 15695
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, October 29th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


mustlove...

one step at a time! sounds like you're on the right track and that your H still has some desire in him.

out of curiosity - when was the last time you two had sex? Has he been tested for STDs and has he waited 6 months since last encounter with OW and gotten retested? just checking on that as some people are told to wait to be sure.

If that's not in the picture, sounds like you're one step closer to where you want to be. Did either one of you get your "cookies"?

FWW and I have made it a point to have some late night "dates" with a movie or massages, or something to spend time together in a non-sexual way and to break the ice in that being together like that can sometimes lead to more sex... just a thought. Sometimes just going straight to the act is a bit pressure/intimidating whereas if you are making plans for something non-sexual but can lead to sex, then you're only one step away.

Hang in there!


DDay - 8/2007 BrokenNC -11/07
BH with 2 kids
Committed to R

Posts: 1615 | Registered: Aug 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, October 29th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he doesn't have a problem "messing around", then look up the sensate exercises on the web.

They're gentle massages, etc. and the idea is to NOT have sex.

My H thought the whole thing was stupid because when we were done, he WANTED to have sex., but they're designed to get sensual, but not have intercourse in case one of the parties is uncomfortable.

I loved it. He wanted sex. So if that's where you're trying to go, try them.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
mustlovedogs
♀ Member
Member # 14216
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, October 29th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no idea what Cookies mean? Is that awful or what.

We are 10 months out, so all clear on the STD's part, thank goodness...OW was a skank.

We had sex in May, and again in August...and that is it for this year.

I am going to check out that website and see what they are and maybe that will work.

Granted, I don't mind messing around, it is just the part that he doesn't want to have sex really bothers me.


BS: Me 30
FWS: Him 29
D-Day: January 2007
Happy in R.
One Son: 3 Years old
One Daughter: Seven month old!!

Posts: 766 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: NJ
HurtinMan
♂ Member
Member # 15695
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, October 30th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


sorry, cookies = orgasm or "getting yours" etc...

I forget that slang differs in region to region. I still hear my brother's Boston and then Vancouver slang going way over my head.

I would try what weepy said... no pressure with messing around and it can feel like you're starting over which can be a good thing. Sometimes backing off direct sex and focusing on foreplay, sensuality etc is the back door way into having sex and relieves the pressure. Eventually messing around leads to sex and then more sex...

Just dont give up and don't make H feel guilty, you can tell him how you feel but don't beat it in as I think that just makes pressure worse.

How is your relationship non-sexually? Do you two get along OK? sometimes things outside the sex life greatly influence in the bedroom and I've not heard much on that here... just my $.02


DDay - 8/2007 BrokenNC -11/07
BH with 2 kids
Committed to R

Posts: 1615 | Registered: Aug 2007
Strider75
♂ Member
Member # 13596
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump for the newbies...

mainly just to let you know although we never came up with any answers, we can at least hang out at the same club house and commiserate together...


Sometimes I wish there was a way to have do-overs in life.

Posts: 5033 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Atlanta, GA
Prettyingreen
New Member
Member # 17260
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, January 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am glad I found this. Before the A, the WS and I had a so-so sexual difficulites due to paxil. She had panic attacks and was prescribed paxil to control them. I was told this was a temporary wall and within a few months....it would be no longer an issue. Fast foward to a couple of months. It was true. Our sex life was back in full and well I guess no sex for so long led to her not being totally satisfied with once a day with me. So she had her little A. After finding out, I guess the lack of closeness caused me to look to sex for the ultimate answer. We had sex four times and it wasn't the best. Infact the lack of trust and security was gone killed it for me. Now we are doing better and I can trust her a little more then before. Her paxil amount was raised to a higher dosage and well here goes the waiting period. She says she feels sorry that this is happening but doesn't want to "suck it up" and just have sex. So this is month three. I am so upset, confused and well just plain pissed. I don't feel attractive anymore, even though I am told that everyday. I don't feel like she wants to make the effort, but then again it just sucks. To have someone who you love so much and to know that the bed you lay in is only for cuddling and some making out time to time. I know I shouldn't complain, that others have it worse then me. But I am tired of feeling like shit.

PG.

[This message edited by Prettyingreen at 9:37 AM, January 6th (Sunday)]


Love is love....once you have you have to fight for it or else you will question what happened.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Somewhere in ohio
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, January 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read through a bit here. Unfortunately, it seems like I found found yet another thread where I belong. Happy happy joy joy.

My Wh is a juvenile diabetic who has not alwasy taken the best care of himself. As a result, he has had impotency issues for eyars-right from when we first started having sex. So I often told myself he woudl never have an affair and not be able to get it up. Who would be that bold? He would. He says he had the same ED problems with ehr as well.

So we decded post dday during our HB to get viagra. Got some samples from the doctor and it worked GREAT! We were both really pleased. We had to planbut that was okay. We tried to get a prescription but it is way too expensive. Then more samples, they don't have any. I ordered some generic stuff online and have heard nothing back--so I wonder i we were scammed.

The thing that gets me, h says h never tried viagra or anything else with her. And yet they had sex 1, 2, 3 times a week for 4 1/2 years. I initiate almost every time. And it i just killin gmy ego. It's been a couple weeks now.

I have said stuff./ Mostly during my crying periods and he'll hold me while I'm upset adn I've said you had sex with her three times a week but not even once a week with me adn I could be in the room naked and you woudln't notice. He hasn't really responded. It's so frustrating.

For the two years prior to dday we had not had sex for 2 years. And the ow knew that. I hate her knowing about me. Before that it was every few months (A was going on). Before that a few times a month, but we had little kids).

So I am feeling VERY deprived. I just want to feel connected and close. Of course, my period went form every 4 months for the past 5 years to about 18 day cycles. WTF?? So I have that now and have no interst ingoing there at this point. I'm too insecure about everything else.

Maybe he's not attracted to me? I can't ask. It would hurt too much to hear. And yet he choses to be with me. He kisses me and holds my hand. I think if we had a way to get more pills and decrease that concern maybe things woudl be different. But then the other half of my brian screams at me that he had sex with her all these yars with no problem.

It is just so sad and frstrating for me. I hate t have to always ask adn initiate. My friends talk baout how their husbands won't leave them alone and I am sooo jealous. They have no idea what a wonderful thing that is.

I kow I will have to have a sit down serious conversation about htis at some point with him. i was hoping ordering the meds would make things easier, but I am not getting any response from the company. If any one knows of a reputable, somewhat inexpensive website to get cialis or viagra, please pm me.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, January 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I was finally able to get on and check and it appears they have sent the meds. am hopefully maybe they will take some of the pressure off since he does have a medical reason why he can not always have sex.

I wonder if some of it stems form that. He doesn't want to initiate and then not be able to finish. Or he feels like he is letting me down. I don't know.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
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