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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Sexual Difficulties While In A Relationship
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pretty,

I sure know where you're coming from, my DW is switching her anti-psychotics and has had no real libido since the fall. I can't remember the last time she showed any enthusiasm, maybe it was the summer.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
BrokenBadger
♂ Member
Member # 9278
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Prettyingreen,
I know the deal here. paxil can mess with your W's hormaones and other things big time. Probably her emotions and general state of mind are all over the map. Do a little patience and this should all equalize and then she'll be back to more normal. Been there for this fun parade

Posts: 210 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Hell
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, January 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still waiting for our package o medications to come (cialis and viagra). Here's the thing I am having troubel with. He was fine having sex with her, even with ED problems (says he had them with her as well) but wants meds to do anythign with me. I woudl think he woudl be more comfortable with his wife, who has known him all this time.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
Lagata
♀ Member
Member # 18543
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do not know if this belongs in this thread but what do you do when the bs wants to have sex all the time. I am afriad to tell him no right now. But it makes me really nervous all the time. I stay up late hoping he is asleep. Any help or idease would be lots of help.


me - 20 plus 10 also known as 30 just had the worst bday of my life
ws - 29
Married - 11 years
Four Children
DDay - 1/2008
At this point very confused and hurt

Posts: 72 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Texas
angeleyes
♀ New Member
Member # 18697
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, March 28th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've read this whole thread to find some answers. I had my DDay with my WH over a year ago. We separated, but now we are trying to R.

The problem is that I can't have sex with him. He wants to and very willing to do so, but I can't. At first I couldn't stop thinking about his A, the OW, and all the things he said that hurt me.

I am not sure if it's because I lost interest, I still find him attractive, but it's more than sex. Exactly like I've read earlier in this thread. It's hard for me to find that intimacy we had before. I don't know how to get it back :(

I have a strong libido, and this is odd for me. I know his needs are being met, and mine are definitely not being met, but I don't know how to go about this. I told him how I feel, and the problems, but it's like I'm with the "safe" guy. I've realized the stuff we like in bed are different, but he's not even willing to try the stuff I like.

BS: Me 27
WH: Him 25
DDay: 1/16/07
He had EA/PA with friend.
Had DDay but many lies and other stuff surfaced
Trying to R, feeling hopless.

[This message edited by angeleyes at 6:26 PM, March 28th (Friday)]


Posts: 2 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Maryland
disenchanted37
♀ Member
Member # 18897
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In past years I have always tried to get dh to be a liltle bit more aggressive. The month after D day he wanted to all the time and once he did get aggressive to the point it was odd. Now I find out he was still having contact with OW and my mind keeps going to that day and the way he was and the same day he talked with her on the phone . I don't want him sexually anymore at all, I feel sick when I think about it. How could we possibly R when I feel this way.


BS-Me38 WS-He37
Married-18 yrs
DDay-Late Aug. of '07 EA/PA
Current Staus-Roomates


Posts: 349 | Registered: Mar 2008
sleeplessandsick
♀ New Member
Member # 18995
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Disenchanted, I am in the same boat. I don't want my H anymore. I haven't had much libido since having children, but I still would do it to keep him faithful. Didn't work, though. Now, we are trying to R, but I don't know how it is possible when it makes me ill when he simply kisses me. Hope we both find the answers to our problems.


Me 39 WH 47
Married 10 years 3 children s-5, twin d-4
D-Day 4/2/07
Trying to R


James 1:2-4


Posts: 16 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: indianapolis
reallylost
♀ Member
Member # 18185
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H and I are trying to move on from his EA with a co worker and 2 other women....Since dday we have had sex everyday..we always had a great sex life but, this is more frequent...we are 3 months out and for the last 6 weeks he has had trouble keeping an erection...is it guilt, or the frequency? Have any of you experienced this?


Me: 47
WS: 38
D-Day:12-26-07
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: KY
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

really, at his age, I doubt it's frequency. H was having his affairs beginning at his age and according to him he was at it, her, or another thing almost every day, so I'd vote for guilt, with a little "this is weird, not normal" thrown in there.

My H said although he wanted sex, he had a hard time switching gears from OW sex to married sex, especially since he hadn't been with me in nearly 10 years.

There was about 4 months at 6 months out that he couldn't even perform at all. It would NOT cooperate, no matter who was at the "helm".

This is a long, long road and you two have many years ahead of you to work on what's "normal" for you guys. Why not just sit back and let it go for a few days and see if "it" comes back.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
brokendreamz
♀ Member
Member # 18436
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reallylost -

One way to find out - cut him off for a few days - and then see how he performs


Posts: 1077 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: SouthEast
disenchanted37
♀ Member
Member # 18897
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

reallylost
this happened to us once and when he saw I was really freaked out about it (because of the timing w/ the A) he admitted that while in bed he decided he wished he had showered 1st (he is obsessive about being clean)

Anyway point is it could be lots of stuff. I jumped straight to thinking it was something to do w/ the A and it really was not. I got all upset for nothing.


BS-Me38 WS-He37
Married-18 yrs
DDay-Late Aug. of '07 EA/PA
Current Staus-Roomates


Posts: 349 | Registered: Mar 2008
Strider75
♂ Member
Member # 13596
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the starting point is to just ask him to talk about what ever his problem is. you can't work on it together to fix it if you both don't know what the issue is.


Sometimes I wish there was a way to have do-overs in life.

Posts: 5033 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Atlanta, GA
AnotherTry
♀ Member
Member # 19498
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H had difficulties prior to A and certainly still. He says he had problems during A too with OW. I want so badly to believe this. It's still hard for me at times. Lately it's been me having the difficulties. I don't know if it's because my meds are increased but I'm struggly to orgasm. He gets upset thinking I'm not into it. I am but I just can't. I don't know if it's my mind or my body, or both. Anyone have any ideas? Thanks.


BS 41
FWH 40 (4reasonsunknown)
M 15 yrs, together 18
D-day 05/08/08
Finished almost a year of MC and WE are healed!! WE survived infidelity only through God's love and grace!!
3 wonderful girls, 14, 13, 8
With God ALL things are possible

Posts: 522 | Registered: May 2008 | From: NC
CapN
♂ Member
Member # 19063
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, first post in this topic.

We have just started having sex again since D-day 4 mos ago with few encounters the three previous years due to her lack of interest.

I am having issues with PE. I am not sure if it is because of the nagging doubt that she is comparing me and OMM or due to the previous lack of sex. This makes me feal like I will never make her feel as good as OMM because if I finish that quickly how will I ever make her O without a 'helping hand'. UGH!

I assume this is 'normal' in some way but how long can this kind of thing last?

[This message edited by CapN at 4:20 PM, June 19th (Thursday)]


Me BH 39
Her FWW 36
Married 14yrs
D-day 2/15/08
I have Forgiven my FWW and we are in R.

Posts: 461 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Mich
broknhearted
♀ Member
Member # 14806
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my first post as well.
I cannot believe it took me so long to find this Topic!
I find myself reading and reading and I am also having a lot of problems that other posters are having.
I do not understand why my WS is not interested in having sex with me. I thought, being the BS that I would have problems. I read about HB, but I cannot relate to that, as we never had that either.
I have done all I can to encourage my WS, to no avail. I am done with the "begging", as it is demoralizing to me. So they cannot have their OP, they don't want the wife either? I don't get it. We are both in IC and MC. His counselor believes this will return, in time. But, no one can tell me how much time and after three long years, having sex about 10 times in that time period, and only twice since NC, in February, I am pissed, angry, and about to find a play-mate. They have affairs. They do not have sex with you. You catch them. And, they still don't have sex with you. You get counseling, both individual and joint, and still, this huge elephant is in the room, every single day of my life and all I can think about is "I AM FRUSTRATED" with this BS.
My WS knows this was a strong issue with my first husband. Is he using this? I ask him that and he looks at me like I have two heads. "Of course not", he says. I cannot continue to go on like this.
I have another session scheduled with the counselor on Thursday. I will again discuss this with her, but I am tired of talking, if you know what I mean.


Will I ever be the same?

Posts: 164 | Registered: May 2007 | From: by the Falls...
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will never make her feel as good as OMM

This issue still raises it's ugly head almost 3 years out. We have good periods and bad periods, we're in a bad one right now. Haven't had sex in like 2 months.

I think it's because the last time we did, I cried. I kept having thoughts of how inadequate, old, ugly, fat, unresponsive I am compared to his playmates. It didn't help that he wasn't really in the mood and I pushed for it. Like you all said... nothing like actually wanting the stupid Wayward and having them reject you.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
broknhearted
♀ Member
Member # 14806
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Again, the "begging" thing really angers me. I also have the issues with my appearance, etc. But, the OW that I actually saw was the same age as me and really not that good looking, or really thin or anything.
So, what gives? You know, you wait for them to get out of the "fog". You wait to see if they are going to really work on "R". You wait for this, you wait for that. I am tired of waiting. I am really tired of waiting.
I just want my life back. I know that is just a cheap dream at this point, but I feel that if he desired me, I could really move along. But, when you have been told multiple times that he does not have the desire, it crushes you, really crushes you. And, it is really hard to climb back after that.


Will I ever be the same?

Posts: 164 | Registered: May 2007 | From: by the Falls...
CapN
♂ Member
Member # 19063
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BrokenHearted,

I know I responded to another of your threads where you have mentioned your WH's lack of sex drive. I remember you said he is not in depression or taking meds that would cause reduced sex drive.

Have you gone with him to his regular physician and asked for a testerone level test? I have read that if men have a reduced level of Testerone it will affect their sex drive. This is not something that is normally screened for in a physical or routine check up.

I would suggest that you go with him for his next examination and talk to the Dr. youself. It sounds like your WH has been unwilling to search for the cause of the problem on his own.

Weepy,

I hope the PE dosen't continue as long as the doubt lingers. I just don't know if it is self doubt or fear that is driving it or because of the lack of sexual activity over the past few years and my being overweight and nearly 40. If it is a physical issue then great, I have been loosing weight and getting in shape. If it is psychological in origin I hope MC can tackle it.

[This message edited by CapN at 9:56 AM, June 30th (Monday)]


Me BH 39
Her FWW 36
Married 14yrs
D-day 2/15/08
I have Forgiven my FWW and we are in R.

Posts: 461 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Mich
broknhearted
♀ Member
Member # 14806
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CapN
I thought you had responded before...you see nothing has changed...anyway, I have mentioned the possibility of the Testosterone level with WH...he is not interested in speaking with his MD about it. And, if I went and mentioned it, I am sure he would not be real happy about it. Let's remember that until I brought it up at the MC, the MC had no idea either, at least that is what he said. And, I believed the MC, as he was not surprised when I brought it up and was kind of expecting this..??? I don't know. But, it resulted in a HUGE argument as I was very upset that the WH did not think this was important enough in our marriage to discuss with the MC, (he is my WH's IC as well).

As far as the WH not being willing to search for the answer on his own, again, I state that if I was the reconciling WS, don't you think I would be doing everything I could to convey to my BS that I was committed to R and would do anything to put that message across? It all goes back to the many, many false R's, gaslighting, etc. Because I know for a fact from the OW that this WAS NOT an issue for them. How do you think that makes me feel? It makes me feel denigrated every time I try to initiate and am rebuffed. The MC stated that maybe I was not putting out the right signals! Of course the WH grabbed right onto that, because that puts the ball into my court. He failed to mention to the MC, that I was the one running the MD for the Viagra, etc., I was the one making reservations at romantic locations, using nighties, candles, oil, anything that I could think of, including porn, which is a huge issue for me, as I know it was used with the OW. To no avail. How many more signals can I put out there??? He was told this in IC so when we go for MC, I am going to bring this up, as it pisses me off. THIS IS NOT MY FAULT DAMMIT...AND I AM NOT TAKING ANY RESPONSIBILITY FOR THIS, TODAY, TOMORROW OR EVER. Sorry, if I don't rant here, I get really upset at home....

I'll let you know how I make out, but thanks for responding.


Will I ever be the same?

Posts: 164 | Registered: May 2007 | From: by the Falls...
wannabenormal
♀ Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my first post too - seems to be no interest on WH's behalf.

So far, the feelings I had were: it was me, I repulsed him (crappy self esteem at the time talking), maybe he missed OW and/or felt like he'd be cheating on HER. Then I thought maybe he felt guilty, like it was wrong to engage with me when I'm feeling so hurt and all...but honestly, I think it's just that he's not all that into me. I wish it was him 'taking the high road' and not taking advantage of my vulnerable state. That's the hardest to live with, that he doesn't want to. (And I even look good now!)

He told me that he had been pretending for the last few months before d-day (or year, 2 years, forever; you know how they can rewrite history) since we had been initmate up until now what I realize was around when he started his PA with pig bitch. Maybe we weren't together several times a week or month, but we weren't a couple who hadn't in months or more.

I tried to initiate 1 time since d-day and was so hurt by his refusal that I haven't bothered since. It was only 2 days after d-day, so that probably wasn't such good timing.


BW, divorced: 03/09


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