I sure know where you're coming from, my DW is switching her anti-psychotics and has had no real libido since the fall. I can't remember the last time she showed any enthusiasm, maybe it was the summer.
The problem is that I can't have sex with him. He wants to and very willing to do so, but I can't. At first I couldn't stop thinking about his A, the OW, and all the things he said that hurt me.
I am not sure if it's because I lost interest, I still find him attractive, but it's more than sex. Exactly like I've read earlier in this thread. It's hard for me to find that intimacy we had before. I don't know how to get it back :(
I have a strong libido, and this is odd for me. I know his needs are being met, and mine are definitely not being met, but I don't know how to go about this. I told him how I feel, and the problems, but it's like I'm with the "safe" guy. I've realized the stuff we like in bed are different, but he's not even willing to try the stuff I like.
BS: Me 27
WH: Him 25
He had EA/PA with friend.
Had DDay but many lies and other stuff surfaced
Trying to R, feeling hopless.
[This message edited by angeleyes at 6:26 PM, March 28th (Friday)]
My H said although he wanted sex, he had a hard time switching gears from OW sex to married sex, especially since he hadn't been with me in nearly 10 years.
There was about 4 months at 6 months out that he couldn't even perform at all. It would NOT cooperate, no matter who was at the "helm".
This is a long, long road and you two have many years ahead of you to work on what's "normal" for you guys. Why not just sit back and let it go for a few days and see if "it" comes back.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
One way to find out - cut him off for a few days - and then see how he performs
Anyway point is it could be lots of stuff. I jumped straight to thinking it was something to do w/ the A and it really was not. I got all upset for nothing.
We have just started having sex again since D-day 4 mos ago with few encounters the three previous years due to her lack of interest.
I am having issues with PE. I am not sure if it is because of the nagging doubt that she is comparing me and OMM or due to the previous lack of sex. This makes me feal like I will never make her feel as good as OMM because if I finish that quickly how will I ever make her O without a 'helping hand'. UGH!
I assume this is 'normal' in some way but how long can this kind of thing last?
[This message edited by CapN at 4:20 PM, June 19th (Thursday)]
I will never make her feel as good as OMM
This issue still raises it's ugly head almost 3 years out. We have good periods and bad periods, we're in a bad one right now. Haven't had sex in like 2 months.
I think it's because the last time we did, I cried. I kept having thoughts of how inadequate, old, ugly, fat, unresponsive I am compared to his playmates. It didn't help that he wasn't really in the mood and I pushed for it. Like you all said... nothing like actually wanting the stupid Wayward and having them reject you.
I know I responded to another of your threads where you have mentioned your WH's lack of sex drive. I remember you said he is not in depression or taking meds that would cause reduced sex drive.
Have you gone with him to his regular physician and asked for a testerone level test? I have read that if men have a reduced level of Testerone it will affect their sex drive. This is not something that is normally screened for in a physical or routine check up.
I would suggest that you go with him for his next examination and talk to the Dr. youself. It sounds like your WH has been unwilling to search for the cause of the problem on his own.
I hope the PE dosen't continue as long as the doubt lingers. I just don't know if it is self doubt or fear that is driving it or because of the lack of sexual activity over the past few years and my being overweight and nearly 40. If it is a physical issue then great, I have been loosing weight and getting in shape. If it is psychological in origin I hope MC can tackle it.
[This message edited by CapN at 9:56 AM, June 30th (Monday)]
As far as the WH not being willing to search for the answer on his own, again, I state that if I was the reconciling WS, don't you think I would be doing everything I could to convey to my BS that I was committed to R and would do anything to put that message across? It all goes back to the many, many false R's, gaslighting, etc. Because I know for a fact from the OW that this WAS NOT an issue for them. How do you think that makes me feel? It makes me feel denigrated every time I try to initiate and am rebuffed. The MC stated that maybe I was not putting out the right signals! Of course the WH grabbed right onto that, because that puts the ball into my court. He failed to mention to the MC, that I was the one running the MD for the Viagra, etc., I was the one making reservations at romantic locations, using nighties, candles, oil, anything that I could think of, including porn, which is a huge issue for me, as I know it was used with the OW. To no avail. How many more signals can I put out there??? He was told this in IC so when we go for MC, I am going to bring this up, as it pisses me off. THIS IS NOT MY FAULT DAMMIT...AND I AM NOT TAKING ANY RESPONSIBILITY FOR THIS, TODAY, TOMORROW OR EVER. Sorry, if I don't rant here, I get really upset at home....
I'll let you know how I make out, but thanks for responding.
So far, the feelings I had were: it was me, I repulsed him (crappy self esteem at the time talking), maybe he missed OW and/or felt like he'd be cheating on HER. Then I thought maybe he felt guilty, like it was wrong to engage with me when I'm feeling so hurt and all...but honestly, I think it's just that he's not all that into me. I wish it was him 'taking the high road' and not taking advantage of my vulnerable state. That's the hardest to live with, that he doesn't want to. (And I even look good now!)
He told me that he had been pretending for the last few months before d-day (or year, 2 years, forever; you know how they can rewrite history) since we had been initmate up until now what I realize was around when he started his PA with pig bitch. Maybe we weren't together several times a week or month, but we weren't a couple who hadn't in months or more.
I tried to initiate 1 time since d-day and was so hurt by his refusal that I haven't bothered since. It was only 2 days after d-day, so that probably wasn't such good timing.