Before the A sex was ok I have always been able to climax pretty easy. Just did not like a lot of forplay. Has alway been hard for me to let go and just enjoy. We got so we were not doing it much before the A because of me.
Then after I found out about the A we had a few glorious weeks of HB. It was difficult emotionally but I loved the way my body responded to him. Guess In a sick kind of way I got off on knowing some one else wanted him so much. Then because he was in the fog he went back to OW twice before the fog clear and he returned to me for good. Now our sex is kind of like before the A but I'm not willing to settle for that so I'm demanding more from myself.
Now it has been almost exactly a year since last encounter with OP and I want what I had in the HB back but without the emotional BS. (now I know many will say that's not possible......but I believe anything is possible.....especially if it has already happened before so I know the circuit are in my body I just need to find an affairless way to egnite them. I'm very determined to bring back something close to HB. Here is my plan of attach so far.
-I have found a ton of sex type free podcast on itunes and have began down loading them onto my Ipod and listening to them and learning tons and its helping.
-we have decided that once a week he can ask for sex and I have to say yes. Now he controls when but I still controll how. This helps because after that one time is over I don't have to put out for the rest of the week and can just lay back and enjoy cuddling, making out ect and not feel guilty. This seems to be working but it does take time. Its not HB but I have felt some flutters.
- last but not least I have always thought about fantasy but have never asked him to play any out with me. Will the next time we go out dancing we are going to go in seperate and I'm going to pick him up and take him home.....(I get hot just thinking about it......he does not know yet but I know he will do it because I will be doing all the work.)
The free itunes podcast are giving me tons of idea and food for thought and sometimes they even make me kind of in the mood.
Enough for now. Part two after we go dancing when could be a while.
[This message edited by cheshirecat at 11:36 PM, July 1st (Tuesday)]
I will try to keep my posts generic as I can. I know this sharing is helping me I can alread feel it..and maybe my journey will be an inspiration for at least one other???.....its even a push for me to write here about this because there is a part inside me that wants to keep me from getting better in this way.
ok here goes I have told my wh that he needs to be more sensual with me..(ie kind of like back in high school).....and not expect copulation.....hence the once a week rule where I have to put out.
So this morning when he woke up he started caressing me and I was able to enjoy it because I already put out for this week . In fact It even felt kind of good. That part of me that fights me did not rear its ugly head because I knew that even though he would love to go all the way he was not expecting it......I was even able to invite him at the end to give himself a hand. Guess I'm a voyuer because I might have peeked once or twice.
(That part of me that fights intimacy is really rearing it ungly head as I type......its saying you are a bad girl you should not be writing all this nasty stuff)
I'm not a nasty girl I'm just a woman that want to be able to enjoy loving her man.
So, I'm in a similar situation as some of you in that my FWH has pretty much zero libido. I am tired of bringing it up. I am tired of talking about it.
FWH is on AD's (Lexapro) and I know this could be part of the problem but to be honest, he had a very low libido even before the AD's. He has had his testosterone checked and it is fine.
He says that he just can't be bothered with sex. He swears he is attracted to me and that he desires me but that the task itself is just too much work and he'd rather be lazy (sit on the couch and watch tv). Here's the thing, I'm not looking for a big romantic lead up every time. I'd be really great with a quickie once a week and a little more one other time a week. I get nada.
Another issue which he has admitted to is that he eats too much at dinner and then is too full!! Is this normal? He isn't a fat guy either (big, but not fat).
At this point, to be honest, I'm not sure how interested I even am If we both give up, then where will we be? I am so disappointed by our lack of sex life. But you know what? Its not just sex. We lack intimacy on all levels.
I am at a point where I just don't know what to do.
We lack intimacy on all levels.
This is where you have to start. Even if the drugs are inhibiting his sexuality you can still caress, hug and sit close on the couch. Try holding hands more often and just start building the basic connection.
Talk to his DR about the sexual side effects, they can often proscribe something to offset the problem.
Give it time, I understand you may want sex, but will it be as good without the intimacy connection?
Breathed Again!! 07/09/2008
Filed for D 08/01/2008 MY BIRTHDAY!!!!
Back In Control Of My Life...Life's Too SHORT! :)
"He doesn't give you what you
My H had two A's. One was early into our relationship and one was almost 2 years into it. After the 2nd one, I totally lost my mind and decided that the only way I would forgive him is if he married me (yea I know- WTF..). So, we got engaged three weeks later and got married 9 months later. We really never dealt with the second affair. I pretty much forced it out of my mind and threw myself into planning our wedding. We still had sex for a while into our engagement, but I decided that I wanted to not have sex for the last 4 months of our engagement- "to make it more special on our honeymoon". I actually believed myself at the time.
Fast forward to the HM, we have sex a couple of times but I am really not into it. Just don't feel up to it. Since then (9 months ago) we have had sex MAYBE once a month, and I really have to force myself to do it.
I myself started an emotional affair with my ex soon after we were married. I went NC three days ago (and yes it's killing me at the moment).
I have absolutely no interest in sex with my H. None-zip-nada. I go to bed early saying that I am tired almost every single night. Sometimes he comes to bed with me and I get all anxious thinking that he wants sex, which I know he does. I usually don't give in, I pretend to be too tirerd or already asleep.
I came to the revelation just today that I never dealt with his affair, and I think that it's the reason I don't want sex. My EA did have something to do with it- but it was never really about sex with my ex. I have been saying that I love my ex and I want my ex back and I married the wrong man, but now I am thinking that it's because I still have so many issues buried in me from my H's affair.
H thinks the affair is over and done- he does not like to talk about it. He would not like it if I told him that it was the reason I don't want sex- he would likely think I was just saying that to get him off my back and make it his fault...but I think it is his fault.
*This is about to go TMI*
When H had his affair, and I found the written proof, I realized that he had been looking to do anal, which I won't do. Apparently he needed it badly enough to cheat. Now I feel like even if I do have sex, it's not what he really wants. All of his porn involves anal (I snoop through his computer history).
Man am I just f-ed up. I don't even know where to start with this one. :(
As far as his preferences in sex, I can see where that would make you uncomfortable and feeling maybe a little like you can't satisfy him without that so why try...but trust me, even without that, you can satisfy him, and when you are less foggy about OM, you will be more willing to try.
BH and I have had better sex now, 3 months post d-day, than ever.
Filed for divorce, and very mutual and amicable.
Me- WW 26yo, no kids, married @ 24
Him- BH 38yo, I am his second divorce.
More troubling though, I seem to having alot of problems coming. I mean, we had sex sometimes for 3 hours straight the first few days expecially. She was coming over and over, but I would come maybe once or not at all. That is still a problem. It's actually pissing me off, and now I think about it so much that it's probably become harder for me to come because I feel like I really have to concentrate to do it. Sometimes, I sort of wear her out and she's ready to go to sleep and I kind of resent it that she's had 2 or three orgasms and is relaxed and ready to sleep but I'm still all wired and ready to go. Many times she's willing to continue longer for me but sometimes the knowledge that she is just doing it for me, and that she'd rather stop, just makes it that much harder for me to come.
ps: i have lose 40lbs since jan 2008 and still going in a positive direction with taking care of myself and on the other hand my husband has let himself go, stopped exercising, gain 50LBs and is always in the dumps whats with that
[This message edited by lonesomedove at 6:17 PM, September 6th (Saturday)]
we've had many difficulties before A. i have a hip disability which really limits the positions i can do. so instead of it being fun and experimental, it was sort of embarrassing and uncomfortable. i have huge insecurities about myself over this. i'm not able to let go all the way or give up control. i have alot of shame and embarrassment about sex. (i wasn't abused, i think it has more to do with a strict upbringing and my insecurity about my disability). i can only climax with a vibrator. but even with all this, i have a higher sex drive than he does.
we had started having less and less sex probably the 2 years leading up to his A. i'd estimate probably 5 times in that 2 years, if not less. we were both working at a bar and were drinking constantly. for me, i wasn't able to climax at all when drinking. i don't remember the last time we had sex sober. hell, i don't remember the last time we've had sex. its been probably 3 years.
we both have rejection issues, me more so than him. with being so insecure and feeling embarrassed, i hardly every initiate.
its been 2 years since the A. after FR, we're now separated long distance. we're considering trying to R again. i'm really afraid of sex now. i can't imagine touching him or being touched but i miss the intimacy that i've been craving for years. i don't know how to go about it. my insecurity is now at an all time high b/c he wanted some nasty thing that is so beneath me (OW). i don't know what to do even though its pretty premature for me to even be considering this right now. i think i've always been afraid of sex but he made it ok for me to enjoy it. and now he's ruined that.
[This message edited by maddy at 1:17 AM, December 23rd (Tuesday)]
I guess I should preface this post by telling you that I was molested when I was 6 by a friend of my parents'. I tried to tell them what happened, but they never believed me. I told them again a few years ago and it is only then that they believed me (and got angry about it).
My father (whom I don't speak to) is a diagnosed sex addict and has made inappropriate comments to me. I find him physically repulsive because of that.
When my H and I first got together, we were active almost daily however I never could have an orgasm (ever in my life). If you look through my story, you will see that my H and I chipped away at our love banks after the first year of being married and eventually I became disinterested in sex altogether (except when we were trying to get pregnant).
Then came the affairs.....I had my first orgasm with my first AP. Not exactly sure why but maybe it was because I didn't feel like I was with my dad (my H often times "fathers" me).
I have a huge emotional block right now to being passionate with him. I want to, but I can't find the feelings inside in order to be able to do it. I have been extremely open with my IC about this and we're working on it, but I wanted to open up the mic to anyone else here who has been in my shoes and see how they worked through it.
We've been reduced to celebacy and it's killing my H.
[This message edited by no1spaz at 11:14 AM, January 22nd (Thursday)]
"A good marriage takes work but a bad one takes more."
I've seen The Courage to Heal, Sexual Healing Journey and Allies in Healing recommnded (the last for your BH).
I think there are 2 root causes for my issue. #1 is that I don't think I have fully addressed my molestation because it was overlooked by my family. I supressed the hurt and stuffed it so far down inside of me that I talk about it pretty emotionlessly. #2 is that my strong feelings against my father come out against my H (who reminds me of my father at times).
It appears that we both have some work to do. I feel very defective and wonder why he picked me and still chooses to be with such a broken woman.
Her IC thinks she was, I think she was, she has inappropriate memories, suspects her mom or uncle, and her big sister has hinted that she (big sister) had issues with their dad, but she still isn't sure.
Her family (aside from big sister) is in pretty much denial about anything like that happening.
FWIW, her OP reminded DW of her father.
I also think he watches porn and masturbates. I don't think he is a sex addict but I resent him wasting himself elsewhere. Am I selfish? We have sex quite regularly but he is often tired due to his work schedule and falls asleep when I want it at night. He wants it in the morning but that's when I am still tired, not ready. I need a lot of mental stimulation and also physical foreplay or affection. We used to make out a lot and stare into each other's eyes when we first met. This changed even before his ONS.
However, sex came to a screaming halt one day two years ago where she said she would rather not have sex anymore but to just stay married. She had said leading up to this that marriage was like "long term prostitution". The last time I had sex with her she just lay there like a dead body, which repulsed me. I never want to have sex with anyone again out of their sense of pity, obligation or self sacrifice.
So, I have stayed away. Even when I hug her she cringes. She had been increasingly over-the-top critical of me over the past few years, and I initially decided that she might have borderline personality disorder. Whatever.
As time went on the dynamics between us bled onto our kids and we went to family counseling to address those last year. Things began to improve, but still no warmth, wife says she wants to be "as a friend".
I started to work on myself and had held out a consolation prize for myself that if she did not restart physical affection with me that I would divorce her in 15 years when the kids are all in college.
Then I discovered the cybersex, how she has been online every other night with guys taking off her clothes while they masturbate. Many, many men.
So, I am gathering the evidence and am planning to confront her in private counseling.
I know she says she no longer desires me and cannot dream of sex with me. I understand that. But I am going to make an ultimatum that she stop the cybersex. I bet she will not stop, actually. She will be angry with me for taking away her pleasure.
I will threaten divorce if she does not stop this, and I'm not sure if she will be able to. She will accuse me of harming our children by not keeping the family together. She loves our children, and wants an intact family, just no sex with me. This is crazy.
Anyway, I will give her the ultimatum. I expect that she will be in total shock, and may break down and agree to stop. However, water's got to flow somewhere, and I don't anticipate her stopping the cybersex will make her feel any warmer towards me. So, she will get all dammed up and frustrated and will not be able to remain faithful I imagine.
Now that I'm wise to her (she was careful in some respects, but I was blind for five years to her antics), I imagine I will catch her second A quicker. Then I will show her the door, and she will hate me for destroying our family.
At least I will be able to move on with my life, and I will still be a father to my children, no one can take that away from me.
I just don't really believe that she has it in her at this point to really change, and to accept intimacy as part of our marriage again.
If by some strange reason she managed to white knuckle it and not have an affair, but had no intimacy with me or anyone (which would damage her), I would still divorce her when the kids are in college, because a sexless marriage is a dealbreaker for me.
I have read all kinds of ways to woo and show attention to your wife. I think I need to cut that out and be less available to her, and move on. I need to both expose her affair and make myself unavailable so she can see the cold shoulder of things to come.
Truth is, if she showed the slightest evidence of trying to work on developing intimacy with me, I would likely let down my guard and rebond with her in two seconds. I just don't see that happening.
I'm getting older, and I was never a hunk like some of her cyber boyfriends, but if she looked in the mirror clearly she would see that she's getting older too. She does not realize that I am one of the few people on earth that carries in my heart the mental picture of her when she was 21, and the full beauty of her. If she were to stay with me and be open to me, I can guarantee that I will be able to look at her at 85 and tell her in all honesty with a straight face how beautiful she is. Her cyberfriends will just see an old hag.
It doesn't sound like much of a marriage anyhow. Good luck, let us know how it works out.
I have to go for it. He does not initiate. He doesn't even walk around with that bulge in his shorts anymore. WTF!? At first he got upset that I wanted to be intimate all the time. Blameshifted and said that he didn't believe that I was being honest about who I am because I never wanted sex before.. why now that he had an A and came back home.??
H says it sucks to be on that end..where nobody wants you. where you feel like ur not attractive. He shifts blame so much and now he's telling me things like "I know you don't want me".. oh, and there's the popular "I was so hurt when you didn't want me then"..
Huh? Is this guy covering something up? Is it that he's not sure about his feelings for me at this time? Guilt? Shame?
Why isn't my H hard for me like he used to be? I 180, lookin good, play games even!!- but nothin. What's ur take? Any WS out there who knows an answer here?
Just wanted to add this:
When I asked about how the A ended he told me that it only ended because other people (me and the other H) made it so difficult. He blames me for the breakup. He blames me for the A (you didn't want me anyway).. any connection between these things and the sex? Think he's giving himself the upper hand in being the victim here?
[This message edited by DoneThat at 8:24 AM, March 26th (Thursday)]
Live your questions now, and perhaps without even knowing it, you will live along some distant day into your answers. Rilke