Here is the deal. Aside from the fact that my husband:
- has cheated on me twice
- has told me (years ago but while I look the same as now) that Iíd let myself go and that he didnít find me attractive anymore
- has been critical of me in many ways, across multiple areas
Itís also that he seems like he doesnít know what to do.
I imagine this situation must be very difficult because there are multiple issues. Firstly, his cheating probably impacted your sex life. Have there been changes post-A? Did his insulting comments to you dampen your libido for him? Did he act differently sexually in his As (I would see this as a major issue if he did)?
Secondly, did he ever apologize to you for what he said about your body? Did he ever apologize for the criticisms? How do you two communicate? Is he always defensive (you mentioned in terms of sex life he was and didn't want to try to change anything for a long time)? Has communication improved?
Thirdly, it sounds like you guys have different styles in bed. I can relate, and that can make it difficult. What sometimes helped us was trying to go more than once, either in a night or else going again the next day. The second time, my H would last longer. It was something that was still requiring work, though, and it's one of those things that you can't fix by yourself. Your H would have to do the work and want your sex life to be different. From what you say, it sounds like he is not motivated to change.
Thereís just a few options: Stay married and have sex outside the marriage. End the marriage and have sex with someone else. Stay married and have the instant mash potatoes the rest of my life.
Please promise yourself that you won't become a cheater like him in order to meet your sexual wants. That's trying to get the best of both worlds: satisfying sex outside the marriage with a husband and comfortable homelife to come home to. That's cake-eating. That's trying to choose both, two different lifestyles at the same time. Please choose either of the last two options. You could give yourself and him a timeline; say to him that you value your sex life, that you would really like xyz changes, and that you're taking x amount of time to see if you two can make that happen. Try to find each others' empathy. Do you two have empathy for each other sexually and each others' differences?
Now that I'm dealing with new DDays of the Craigslist calls/texts/escorts I have no ability to allow myself to open up to be able to emotionally connect during sex.
That's totally understandable. Talk to him about it. Mourn your feelings and let him see. His actions have consequences. He should know how seriously his indiscretions are affecting you. He gave his sexual energies to others, and it's costing you your sex life with him because you don't feel safe to be intimate. He should face up to this.
Anyone else feel physically self-conscious during sex?
Yes. Has this been something you have always felt, or has it started recently? Can you trace back to when the self-consciousness started? Was it an experience you had, a comment someone made, something else?
How can you feel better about yourself and raise your own self-confidence? Is there an image you can have that makes you feel safe to be sensual, or something physical? For me, sometimes it's a lotion I wear. I'll put something on that makes me feel attractive and happy. It's one of those things that takes a while to build, like a new habit (still working on it myself). It can be harder if your spouse said something that made you feel self-conscious. Not sure how to work through that yet.
The infrequency of sex between us has increased my XH's premature ejaculation issues.
Do you both want greater frequency? If you have sex more frequently, does your H last longer?