I am going to give you some typicals...
Most men, a mental or visual picture of a female body or even just the thought of having sex is all you need and 5 seconds later we have an erection and are ready to go.
It is completely the opposite for women.
A book written called ďLonely Husbands, Lonely WivesĒ, by Dennis Rainey says that ďwomen are stimulated by touch, attitudes, actions, words, and are person-centered. Men are stimulated by sight and smell and are body-centered.Ē
Your man does not "get it".
I will first say this, your man has some characther flaws and has not matured yet.
A masculine man does not get defensive. He is comfortable with himself enough to say what he wants and states his values.
points out all these things I used to do for him and don't anymore
Let's be honest.. what are those things? Oral sex? Anal sex? what? Did you stop doing something? Perhaps you could be a little more giving in those things you once did. It does not have to be everytime.. whatever you are comfortable with. There is a law. It is called the law of reciprocity. If you give, the the people you give to will return the gift. Typically, this works.
And I know, for a woman to want to bless a man with sex beyond missionary, he must be saying things, doing things, to lead you into wanting to do those things. It is most difficult for the typical man. And to say he behaved in an EA certianly did not bring you into a warm,loving, caring intimate mode.
He really needs to learn how to create, lead, and guide a happy, affectionate, intimate, fun, satisfying, fulfilling, and sexual marriage relationship.
What can YOU do?
I am going to state what I believe is a fact.
No matter how much a woman tries...no matter how much she gives and sacrifices...if she does not have a husband who has purposely and consciously developed himself into a relationally-savvy man, then you will suffer perpetual disappointment, misery, heart-ache, and pain.
Is your H the one who is willing to work on creating a good marriage with you? You really need to get this answer.
Most guys aren't very good with a woman trying to teach them to be relationally-savvy...and if you try to do the "teaching", you probably will not get the outcomes or results that you want or expect.
I feel stuck.. Ok go get unstuck. There are books that can help your man, but many won't. Theropy can help him. You can only ask him to read a few or go to IC. It might insult his ego.
Some things I think might help you though.. never beg. Perhaps your man is most qaulity in most areas not just this one.
Be open and direct..
"A woman needs foreplay, I'm not some gitty teenager ya know"
You might try.. "Kiss me for awhile.." "suck on my nipple until I get wet" Break open some oil and rub each other for 5-10 minutes each.. Have that ready.. suck his nibble for a few minutes.. Perhap ask him to give you oral sex and you will do the same.
If he says no to any of the above, Then no argue, no debate.. and no sex unless he gives it to you. (I will give you a conflict method below) If he gets in that needie, whiny mode.. I know it will disgust you. Be calm, be strong, do not say a word unless you are prepared to conflict... conflict the right way.
Here is what works well for me.. controlled pressure.. a good conflict.. a method that works..
And this can work in most all conflicts if you can get real good at it. This might be an example but you put it in your own words.
- State the Misrepresentation.
"Husband, Men are visual, women are not. Men need 5 seconds to get ready, women take longer."
- try and place his mind in your situation so he can relate.
"If I took a broomstick and jammed it up your ass, it would hurt without lube. You would not like that. And I don't like not having foreplay"
- State the value..
"Each one of can make a choice to love each other, meet each others sexual needs or not. I choose to meet yours and you can choose to meet mine which is what I want"
- MOST IMPORTANT.. reset to safety.
"Now, I am going to go down and pour us a glass of wine and when I come back let's both enjoy the evening.."
Do you catch on to what I am saying? Words ARE meaningful. How you say it is meaningful It must come from a point of strenth. Strenght is attractive.
And if he throws a fit and acts like a baby.. Go watch tv. Enjoy the evening yourself.. let him stew a bit.
As a man I know what is attractive..be as girly as you can be. You are sexual and your H does not have a clue how great that is.. His loss. No Nagging. Compliments! LEt me do my work.
Do you think this might help?
Do you have satillite radio? A great show is Dr. Jenn Berman... A few months of listing to that show will teach you a whole bunch.