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User Topic: Sexual Difficulties While In A Relationship
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Here is the deal. Aside from the fact that my husband:

- has cheated on me twice
- has told me (years ago but while I look the same as now) that Iíd let myself go and that he didnít find me attractive anymore
- has been critical of me in many ways, across multiple areas

Itís also that he seems like he doesnít know what to do.

I imagine this situation must be very difficult because there are multiple issues. Firstly, his cheating probably impacted your sex life. Have there been changes post-A? Did his insulting comments to you dampen your libido for him? Did he act differently sexually in his As (I would see this as a major issue if he did)?

Secondly, did he ever apologize to you for what he said about your body? Did he ever apologize for the criticisms? How do you two communicate? Is he always defensive (you mentioned in terms of sex life he was and didn't want to try to change anything for a long time)? Has communication improved?

Thirdly, it sounds like you guys have different styles in bed. I can relate, and that can make it difficult. What sometimes helped us was trying to go more than once, either in a night or else going again the next day. The second time, my H would last longer. It was something that was still requiring work, though, and it's one of those things that you can't fix by yourself. Your H would have to do the work and want your sex life to be different. From what you say, it sounds like he is not motivated to change.

Thereís just a few options: Stay married and have sex outside the marriage. End the marriage and have sex with someone else. Stay married and have the instant mash potatoes the rest of my life.

Please promise yourself that you won't become a cheater like him in order to meet your sexual wants. That's trying to get the best of both worlds: satisfying sex outside the marriage with a husband and comfortable homelife to come home to. That's cake-eating. That's trying to choose both, two different lifestyles at the same time. Please choose either of the last two options. You could give yourself and him a timeline; say to him that you value your sex life, that you would really like xyz changes, and that you're taking x amount of time to see if you two can make that happen. Try to find each others' empathy. Do you two have empathy for each other sexually and each others' differences?


Now that I'm dealing with new DDays of the Craigslist calls/texts/escorts I have no ability to allow myself to open up to be able to emotionally connect during sex.

That's totally understandable. Talk to him about it. Mourn your feelings and let him see. His actions have consequences. He should know how seriously his indiscretions are affecting you. He gave his sexual energies to others, and it's costing you your sex life with him because you don't feel safe to be intimate. He should face up to this.


Anyone else feel physically self-conscious during sex?

Yes. Has this been something you have always felt, or has it started recently? Can you trace back to when the self-consciousness started? Was it an experience you had, a comment someone made, something else?

How can you feel better about yourself and raise your own self-confidence? Is there an image you can have that makes you feel safe to be sensual, or something physical? For me, sometimes it's a lotion I wear. I'll put something on that makes me feel attractive and happy. It's one of those things that takes a while to build, like a new habit (still working on it myself). It can be harder if your spouse said something that made you feel self-conscious. Not sure how to work through that yet.

The infrequency of sex between us has increased my XH's premature ejaculation issues.

Do you both want greater frequency? If you have sex more frequently, does your H last longer?

Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Posts: 3761 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
♀ Member
Member # 40460
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have there been changes post-A? Did his insulting comments to you dampen your libido for him? Did he act differently sexually in his As (I would see this as a major issue if he did)?

Itís about the same as before the 2nd affair. The first was before we got married. I have a feeling he may have been this way in bed his whole sexual history. Also ,he swears he only slept once with the first woman and not all with the second. I donít know that Iíll ever believe that.

Secondly, did he ever apologize to you for what he said about your body? Did he ever apologize for the criticisms?

Only recently has he apologized for telling me those things. He Ďsaysí he doesnít feel that way any more. He now Ďtellsí me he is attracted to me. But I think he just doesnít show it. I was writing in another thread how he has absolutely freaked in disgust at some things like the veins on my hands and one time about some kind of crust on my ear.

I was just remembering one from about 2 weeks ago. I bought an all natural deodorant that comes in a jar, so it has to be scooped out. I was in the bedroom on the bed. Pajama bottoms on but top off. Back to the doorway. With one arm up putting some on my arm pit. He opened the door to tell me something and goes ďoh, uh, now THATíS not something I need to be seeing!Ē I thought - really, is the sight of me putting on deodorant so repelling?

So his words and behaviors donít match.

How do you two communicate? Is he always defensive (you mentioned in terms of sex life he was and didn't want to try to change anything for a long time)? Has communication improved?

Communication and everything has gotten better since we started MC a year and a half ago. He is less defensive. He is trying harder. He read the book ďShe Comes FirstĒ and that has helped. I just have to be so patient. There were 13 years of crap and him lying and him being defensive and not trying in bed. So now that he is putting in some effort, I need to try too. Iím just a little weary.

Please promise yourself that you won't become a cheater like him in order to meet your sexual wants.

No worries. I just donít have it in me to do that. I donít think Iím susceptible to an affair. I think that the affair partner is inherently flawed anyway. I could never respect someone who would be with me knowing Iím married.

Lastly, we have only once ever done it more that once in a night. He always goes right to sleep. No talking. No after anything. The one time we did it a second time, he made sure to tell me it was just for me, nothing in it for him. He didnít enjoy the second time.

Me (BS) 44, Him 47, kids 13 and 15
DD1 4/99 with an ex, before we got married
DD2 12/04 4mo EA/PA w/OW my age
OW also married w/kids
5 1/2 years of TT, lying, withholding
In R but it's been lame. I think I just stayed for the kids.

Posts: 65 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


The self-consciousness has started relatively recently---within the past couple of years. Nothing specifically happened to create it; there were no comments made or any criticisms from either XH or previous partner (when the issues started).

It started shortly after the dx of medical condition, in spring of 2011, and it's gotten worse since beginning R with XH. I don't ever want it. Seriously. I don't ever feel "horny," I don't ever get physically aroused, I only appreciate my XH's naked body the way I would appreciate a Rembrandt in the museum (XH has a *very* nice body)---"oh, that's beautiful." It doesn't DO anything for me physically. Nothing does.

I used to LOVE sex. But that was when I had a libido, and the internal "want" of it canceled out the rest. Now, it's too messy, takes too long, doesn't feel good, I'd rather surf the web, read a book, watch TV or (my personal favorite) sleep than have sex.

I want to WANT greater frequency. Let's put it that way. XH says he doesn't care either way, but I'm sure he'd like more. He says the PE will improve if we were intimate more often. He doesn't masturbate; I'm sure that would help too.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 6:57 PM, November 28th (Thursday)]

Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

Posts: 1912 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
♀ Member
Member # 41407
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally I have difficulty relaxing enough to enjoy sex because my WH's choice of AP was a 20 year old prostitute. Here's the list: I am 62. Not bad for 62, but still 62. Chosen AP is 20. So, body comparisons I'm not going to win. I will not shave my pubic hair off, will not sunbathe nude to obtain full body tan, don't have flat stomach, don't have clownishly big boobs from boob job, and do not wear sexy slut clothes. Next, I cannot stop's a person who performs sex acts professionally......are there ways to perform better? Stuff I don't know how to do?
Bottom line: the comparisons are not impacting my body image and self esteem positively. And it makes me very very sad.

Me: faithful wife 62.
Him: WH 64 , prostitute 20 yr old
DDay: 8-13-2013
Status: boinging up and down like a yo-yo

Posts: 253 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida
♀ Member
Member # 42276
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been struggling with some sexual issues in my relationship for a while.

My WH is not very giving in bed. He was when we first got together but somewhere along the way it turned into everything being about his pleasure and little of it being about mine. He does not reciprocate much in terms of foreplay. At that, I get little foreplay unless I practically beg for it.

As a result, I have pulled away a bit when it comes to sex because it feels like what I do for him doesn't matter because he isn't going to give it back to me at all.

When I try to talk to him about it, he tends to get defensive and turns it around on me and points out all these things I used to do for him and don't anymore. It turns into a mess and I just end up feeling more frustrated than ever.

In the midst of all this, he had an EA with some physical stuff with his ex. I found graphic conversations about him talking about how good she was at certain things and how he misses them. Doesn't make me feel any better about how I am in bed.

I feel stuck, like we can't move forward on this and staying where we are doesn't seem an answer.

Posts: 82 | Registered: Jan 2014
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I am going to give you some typicals...

Most men, a mental or visual picture of a female body or even just the thought of having sex is all you need and 5 seconds later we have an erection and are ready to go.

It is completely the opposite for women.

A book written called ďLonely Husbands, Lonely WivesĒ, by Dennis Rainey says that ďwomen are stimulated by touch, attitudes, actions, words, and are person-centered. Men are stimulated by sight and smell and are body-centered.Ē

Your man does not "get it".

I will first say this, your man has some characther flaws and has not matured yet.

A masculine man does not get defensive. He is comfortable with himself enough to say what he wants and states his values.

points out all these things I used to do for him and don't anymore

Let's be honest.. what are those things? Oral sex? Anal sex? what? Did you stop doing something? Perhaps you could be a little more giving in those things you once did. It does not have to be everytime.. whatever you are comfortable with. There is a law. It is called the law of reciprocity. If you give, the the people you give to will return the gift. Typically, this works.

And I know, for a woman to want to bless a man with sex beyond missionary, he must be saying things, doing things, to lead you into wanting to do those things. It is most difficult for the typical man. And to say he behaved in an EA certianly did not bring you into a warm,loving, caring intimate mode.

He really needs to learn how to create, lead, and guide a happy, affectionate, intimate, fun, satisfying, fulfilling, and sexual marriage relationship.

What can YOU do?

I am going to state what I believe is a fact.

No matter how much a woman matter how much she gives and sacrifices...if she does not have a husband who has purposely and consciously developed himself into a relationally-savvy man, then you will suffer perpetual disappointment, misery, heart-ache, and pain.

Is your H the one who is willing to work on creating a good marriage with you? You really need to get this answer.

Most guys aren't very good with a woman trying to teach them to be relationally-savvy...and if you try to do the "teaching", you probably will not get the outcomes or results that you want or expect.

I feel stuck.. Ok go get unstuck. There are books that can help your man, but many won't. Theropy can help him. You can only ask him to read a few or go to IC. It might insult his ego.

Some things I think might help you though.. never beg. Perhaps your man is most qaulity in most areas not just this one.

Be open and direct..
"A woman needs foreplay, I'm not some gitty teenager ya know"
You might try.. "Kiss me for awhile.." "suck on my nipple until I get wet" Break open some oil and rub each other for 5-10 minutes each.. Have that ready.. suck his nibble for a few minutes.. Perhap ask him to give you oral sex and you will do the same.

If he says no to any of the above, Then no argue, no debate.. and no sex unless he gives it to you. (I will give you a conflict method below) If he gets in that needie, whiny mode.. I know it will disgust you. Be calm, be strong, do not say a word unless you are prepared to conflict... conflict the right way.

Here is what works well for me.. controlled pressure.. a good conflict.. a method that works..

And this can work in most all conflicts if you can get real good at it. This might be an example but you put it in your own words.

- State the Misrepresentation.
"Husband, Men are visual, women are not. Men need 5 seconds to get ready, women take longer."

- try and place his mind in your situation so he can relate.
"If I took a broomstick and jammed it up your ass, it would hurt without lube. You would not like that. And I don't like not having foreplay"

- State the value..
"Each one of can make a choice to love each other, meet each others sexual needs or not. I choose to meet yours and you can choose to meet mine which is what I want"

- MOST IMPORTANT.. reset to safety.
"Now, I am going to go down and pour us a glass of wine and when I come back let's both enjoy the evening.."

Do you catch on to what I am saying? Words ARE meaningful. How you say it is meaningful It must come from a point of strenth. Strenght is attractive.

And if he throws a fit and acts like a baby.. Go watch tv. Enjoy the evening yourself.. let him stew a bit.

As a man I know what is as girly as you can be. You are sexual and your H does not have a clue how great that is.. His loss. No Nagging. Compliments! LEt me do my work.

Do you think this might help?

Do you have satillite radio? A great show is Dr. Jenn Berman... A few months of listing to that show will teach you a whole bunch.

[This message edited by trynhard at 5:15 PM, March 10th (Monday)]

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
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