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User Topic: Sexual Difficulties While In A Relationship
mkr543
♀ Member
Member # 12867
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, May 24th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even though my H has been such an ass and there are some days I don't even want to LOOK at him, we still have sex. I guess it's about 1-3 times/week.

I've always had a "guy" attitude on just about everything, and perhaps I'm in the minority of women, but I don't view sex as a punishment, nor a reward. Of course, I wouldn't sleep with him if were totally pissed at him.

But it seems society in general views sex as something a woman gives and a man gets or takes. I think my H feels this way as well. So sometimes I feel that he thinks putting one over on me, but I don't feel that way...I feel free to say NO and sometimes I do..we have talked about it a little, but I think he doesn't want to say too much for fear of rocking the boat! Also, my sex drive is somewhat higher than his, and it's always been like that. Actually it's always been that way for me with others, as well.

Maybe I'm fucked up, I don't know. Can anyone else relate to this? Perspectives from both genders are welcome.


Me:BS - 38
Him: FWH - 44
d-day: November 12, 2006

Too long a sacrifice can make stone of the heart. -William Butler Yeats


Posts: 1838 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: New England
Strider75
♂ Member
Member # 13596
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, May 24th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wasfooled -

she has never really told me what she does like. i've asked and she would just say what we do is fine or something along those lines.

we did have one thing right before d-day, she told me sometimes it would be nice to have the clothes pushed out of the way and just have it done to her hard and fast.

basically, i thikn she was saying she wanted more "lustful" sex sometimes. then she went to bed.

i never got the chance as d-day happened a few days later.

and losing libido after having kids, well, that's not something i hold against her. i know there are hordes of hormonal changes, gigantic life changes of becoming a parent, etc.

i've said all along she doesn't have to put out everyday and be wearing crotchless panties for me all the time. it's ok if she just wants to strip, get to it, and then be done and go to sleep, and not make a major production out of it because she's tired from chasing our son around all day. but some sex is a requirement for me.


Sometimes I wish there was a way to have do-overs in life.

Posts: 5033 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Atlanta, GA
wasfooled2
♀ Member
Member # 13783
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, May 24th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she told me sometimes it would be nice to have the clothes pushed out of the way and just have it done to her hard and fast.

Are you guys at a point where you could try this now? Or would that be abad idea?


(Me) BS-39
(Him) WS-41 (serial cheater)
D-Day #7 2/24/07 (lost count)
Married 15 years; together for 23
Reconciled, or so I thought. Separated & divorcing.

Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick


Posts: 5583 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Chicago Suburbs
Strider75
♂ Member
Member # 13596
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, May 24th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you guys at a point where you could try this now? Or would that be abad idea?

dunno, to be honest. i'm more jaded about it all the last few days not sure if i could get it up or not. might need a bit of liquid courage.

we've tried a few times since d-day, FWW was very uncomfortable but agreed to try. she lays there like a slug, turns her head won't look at me, keeps her arms folded in front of her chest, keeps her eyes shut.

she's not willing to consider anything else. and i don't want to do it like that again either.

ya know, laying it all out here like this, i'm really starting to think maybe a trial separation is in order. our state allows for separated but still living in the same house, but sleeping in different rooms. we've got 3 spare bedrooms. one is in the basement, queen sized bed, got it's own bathroom. i slept down there for a while after d-day too. very comfortable.

maybe that would get FWW's attention. i'd still rather our son not be in day care, so FWW wouldn't have to move out and get a job and DS would not have to go into day care that way. she could be my live in babysitter. and i'm not moving out.

[This message edited by Strider75 at 2:42 PM, May 24th (Thursday)]


Sometimes I wish there was a way to have do-overs in life.

Posts: 5033 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Atlanta, GA
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, May 24th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mkr, my sex drive has always been higher than my H's too. AND he has always been the more passive partner. He LIKES it when the female takes the lead. (His OW did too). Now I don't want to at all, so we're having none. Sadly, he seems perfectly happy just to be home, have his family around and his self-love.

I don't know how much longer I can take this.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
wasfooled2
♀ Member
Member # 13783
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, May 24th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWW was very uncomfortable but agreed to try. she lays there like a slug, turns her head won't look at me, keeps her arms folded in front of her chest, keeps her eyes shut.

Does your counselor know this? This sounds like a major red flag for something happening in her past.

If you feel like a separation is in order, it's good that you can stay home. Sounds like you have a good setup for that, if there is a good thing about that. I know how hard it is having a little one at home. I have a 2 yo and a 5 yo.


(Me) BS-39
(Him) WS-41 (serial cheater)
D-Day #7 2/24/07 (lost count)
Married 15 years; together for 23
Reconciled, or so I thought. Separated & divorcing.

Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick


Posts: 5583 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Chicago Suburbs
Strider75
♂ Member
Member # 13596
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, May 24th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i told the MC a general FWW is really sketched out by it. i didn't give MC the full detailed version. i guess i should. FWW won't like it(she'll be there when i do, next session i guess).

i hate to try to be manipulative, but i wonder if there is a way i can get FWW to want to do IC? i'll have to put my thinking cap on.


Sometimes I wish there was a way to have do-overs in life.

Posts: 5033 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Atlanta, GA
wasfooled2
♀ Member
Member # 13783
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, May 24th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes a person needs someone else to step in for help they obviously need but are too afraid to ask for.

Like an intervention!

I am no expert, but I think the MC needs to know. He/she may be able to help her find the right person to talk to.


(Me) BS-39
(Him) WS-41 (serial cheater)
D-Day #7 2/24/07 (lost count)
Married 15 years; together for 23
Reconciled, or so I thought. Separated & divorcing.

Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick


Posts: 5583 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Chicago Suburbs
Strider75
♂ Member
Member # 13596
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, May 24th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i was thinking that i've gotten about as much out of MC'ing as I can at this point. I really feel that way. Been at it since right after d-day now. there are a lot of things that i really feel better about.

what if i say, well, since i've gone as far as i'm going with MC'ing, and since MC'ing is obviously not helping w/ FWW sex issues, I'm quitting. then ask MC'r what are other options to help with this issue. i know her first response will be IC for FWW. maybe hearing it from a professional will carry more weight than me. MC'r is on a bunch of state professional boards, if MC'r says she can do IC fine, if she would rather refer FWW to another counselor, then i'm sure she's got some good recommendations. our MC'r is AAMFT, and i'm sure this isn't the first time she's run into our situation.

if i've learned nothing else about A's, there are always enough similarities to other people's sitch's that someone else has gone thru this too, so there's counselors that have seen it before.


Sometimes I wish there was a way to have do-overs in life.

Posts: 5033 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Atlanta, GA
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, May 24th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strider: My IC says sometimes it takes something to shake up a stalemate, like you said, stopping MC. And stating it's for the exact reason you say, it's not doing any more good.

If my H doesn't agree to work on his problem, that's exactly what I have in mind. Just say right in session, "it's quite obvious that this has all been a waste of time. There may not be a solution to "our" issues to be found in trying to hash them out here."


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Strider75
♂ Member
Member # 13596
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, May 24th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yup - that sounds like what i'll do. in addition to it not helping anymore, i also dont like to waste other peoples time, and i'm not going to waste my time.

then it's up to FWW to decide what she wants to do.


Sometimes I wish there was a way to have do-overs in life.

Posts: 5033 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Atlanta, GA
wasfooled2
♀ Member
Member # 13783
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, May 24th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In all reality, you DO have a right to take care of yourself first, Strider. Do what you need to do for YOU.

Big hugs, my friend. I'm thinking of you.


(Me) BS-39
(Him) WS-41 (serial cheater)
D-Day #7 2/24/07 (lost count)
Married 15 years; together for 23
Reconciled, or so I thought. Separated & divorcing.

Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick


Posts: 5583 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Chicago Suburbs
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, May 24th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

May sound like a weird question, but how do I turn down sex?

With everything that's been going on and the enlightening of H feeling like he's "forced" and my complaining he doesn't initiate.... what if he does? I don't want to and I've never, ever rejected him.

Early on I was afraid to, that he would just go get it somewhere else (justified). I would initiate to keep him "happy". But I'm really worried that he'll have his "basis" for anger if he initiates (like I've asked for months) and I say no.

What if I just ask him to cuddle and kiss for a while... work up to it, that I'm still reeling from his revelations last week. Put it back on him?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Strider75
♂ Member
Member # 13596
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, May 24th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

weepy - head him off at the pass. talk to him - tell him based on his statements you feel he doesn't want sex, and you're interest in it has changed to. tell him you feel you need to take a break from it and layout the boundaries of what your are willing to do (cuddling/etc.)

do this before he gets a chance to initiate.

that way everyone is clear about it before any rejection has to take place.


Sometimes I wish there was a way to have do-overs in life.

Posts: 5033 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Atlanta, GA
pioneerspirit
♀ Member
Member # 14751
Flame  Posted: 11:12 PM, May 24th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear healingal,
I just wanted reach out, because we have so much in common.

My WH also gave me genital herpes, and I'm (1) terrified of passing this incurable disease to someone else (condoms don't prevent spread, and not having sores doesn't prevent it either; and (2) because of my chronic illness, the genital herpes has been devastating for my health, I'm in severe pain (from my crotch to the soles of my feet) every time I get sores, which is every month when my period rolls around; and (3) sex is no longer enjoyable because any friction or other attention down there also aggravates symproms and is extremely painful.

I don't even know how to start dealing with the fact that my sex life is over. I used to be a very sexual person, multiple orgasms all the time, etc.

At best, I figure I could start on a monastic life. I'm buddhist and taoist, and very spiritual and this is a serious option, once my kids grow up.

Hang in there healingal, have you tried Valtrex yet? That may help with symptoms and prevention of spreading it to other partners.

Sending virtual healing thoughts and good intentions to you.

* * * * *
Me: BW 39
WH:35
D-day: June 6, 2006
Day he gave me GH: on my birthday last year
Married 8 years-together 13
2 children (5 & 7)
OW: not sure yet, happened across the country, where he has to go regularly for work

[This message edited by pioneerspirit at 11:31 PM, May 24th (Thursday)]


Me: BW 39
WH:35, srryntrying
D-day: June 6, 2006
Day he gave me GH: my birthday, 2006
Married 8 years-together 13
2 children (5 & 7)
OW: not sure yet, happened across the country, where he has to go regularly for work

Posts: 99 | Registered: May 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, May 25th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strider, appreciate the advise, but rejection is rejection in his mind. And he can dredge up the just post-Dday comments of mine about his "anatomy" and my disgust at having to touch it at all.

Anxiety over this morning is over since nothing happened. Except what's weird is when I woke up this morning he wasn't wearing underwear and he ALWAYS wears underwear, he was wearing them when he went to bed. I figure he took care of himself while I was sleeping next to him. Especially since I noticed there was no "morning wood" today when I woke him. That's another ALWAYS.

Fuck!


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Strider75
♂ Member
Member # 13596
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, May 25th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

weepy - he'd probably be rejected no matter what, you're right about that.

no easy answers, huh?

hey, if it didn't suck here on earth, we'd all fall off into space.


Sometimes I wish there was a way to have do-overs in life.

Posts: 5033 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Atlanta, GA
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, May 25th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But the place we have to get to Strider is to not give a fuck about them at all. Do what you want assholes, I'm taking care of myself and if that means doing it without you, fine.

I've made every attempt, done everything I could, tried every damn thing the MC and IC told me, did the books, come here. Nothing's going to blast him off his center except me leaving. And that means the end. Because he's so full of self-loathing and arrogance and anger that he won't be able to see what he's lost. He doesn't know how much he's already lost... he keeps telling MC "I know what I could have lost."


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Strider75
♂ Member
Member # 13596
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, May 25th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

weepy - i guess it's an indication of just how messed up our WS's are. they won't fully get it until we're gone.

i don't know what else to do either.

i've had thoughts that maybe i should hire some hypnotist to come in and drug her, hypotize her, and then implant in her head whatever is needed to fix it. hey, it's ok to dream sometimes.

anyway, enough bitching about FWW for me today. how about a new subject of discussion.

it seems to me that a lot of people don't seem to be interested in sex problems in the relationship. i mean, lack of sex isn't a problem for them. i'm sure they enjoy it, but when problems come and sex goes away, they don't worry about the lack of sex.

why? it bugs the hell out of me.


Sometimes I wish there was a way to have do-overs in life.

Posts: 5033 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Atlanta, GA
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, May 25th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well obviously it bugs the hell out of me too. I know my issues are wrapped up in the ease in which he went to his OW and the prostitutes, but isn't interested in me.

I had an awful time during his A years. The constant trying, rejection, compensating with food, keeping busy. It wasn't until about 4 years into it that I just told myself "this will get better when _______ happens."

I begged him to see a dr. that it wasn't normal for a guy to not want sex. And when he was complaining about his hair loss... his brother went on Propecia, which has sexual side effects, my H said "he certainly didn't want those." All I could think of was, me neither, I can't imagine our sex life getting any worse! Now I know he was afraid it would interfere with OW's "demands".

Our MC has suggested we take sex off the table for now. Just stick to cuddling and chaste demonstrations. He is happy as a clam. It plays right into where he is now.

I'm sorry, I want the whole package. I want a MARRIAGE, not a live-in roommate, cook, housekeeper, babysitter, errand-helper relationship. All that's part of it, but so is sex and emotional intimacy.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
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